Lisa Shield

Stop Telling Yourself “There Are No Good Men”

So, you’re on a quest for mind-bending, soul-quenching, life-lasting love.

Sounds like a plan.

And you’ve looked and looked and LOOKED for your guy. You’ve searched online, offline, even in the grocery store line… but he wasn’t there.

Finally, you met someone. You chatted a bit.  You got your hopes up.  You even went out. NOPE. Not only was it not HIM, but it turned out he was the SAME wrong guy you’ve always dated.

DANG IT.  Where is he?!  Why are good men so hard to find?

What’s more, when did your love life become a cliché?

I get what you’re going through. I went through it myself. And here’s what I discovered. It didn’t matter how drop-dead gorgeous and/or successful I was. There WERE good men out there, men I found attractive, but THEY weren’t attracted to ME.

I didn’t know why.  Was I too independent or controlling?  Was it because I was full of anger or triggers?  Or, was it because I was a sucking vortex of need? (Sorry, but I  had to use that last bit. It was too good to cut.) 

Turns out there were several things I was doing to turn men off.  Good men picked up on my negative energy and they stayed away. I tried to explain what was happening by telling myself that there were no good men.  But my friends were finding partners who wanted to commit and marry them.  And in time, I had to admit to myself that these men were out there…they just didn’t find me attractive.

To meet good men, you have to get on their radar. For that to happen, you need to look at what you’re saying and doing to turn them off. 

Many of my clients come to me when they’re ready to give up on love.  But it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to keep struggling to find a warm and tender co-habitant for the house of your heart.

For the answer, let’s turn to Quantum Physics which tells us that everything in existence is made of energy. Energy can vibrate on different frequencies but it’s attracted to its own frequency. So, people who vibrate at the same frequency tend to attract each other.

Negative thoughts and emotions create a very low vibrational frequency. If you are vibrating at this low frequency, you will attract people who are the same. 

Positive thoughts like self-love and gratitude vibrate at a very high frequency. This is the frequency you need to vibrate on if you want to be attractive to ‘good men’.

If you’re not meeting the kind of high-quality men you want, it’s because you are not on their wavelength. You’re giving off bad vibes. You’re not tuned in to each other.

These statements are:

a. Things Hippies Say

b. Overused Cliches

c. Fundamental Laws of the Universe

d. All the Above. 

The answer is d. 

So, how can you identify the patterns that are turning men away?  Here’s one way.  First, accept that there is something you’re doing that’s turning men off.  Then, ask three family members or friends for feedback. Tell them to write down three things you are doing right and three things you are doing wrong  with men.  Circle anything on the negative side of each list that repeats. You have now zeroed some of the things you’re doing to turn men away.

The next step is to replace these behaviors with more attractive ones. This is where I come in. I can show you how to shift these behaviors so you can attract an amazing man.

I have had women find true, lasting love in a matter of weeks. I have seen women in their 60’s and 70’s find true love for the first time. I saw 12 of my clients get married past year.

Join me for a free webinar where I’ll talk about The Five Key Shifts My Successful Female Clients Use to Attract Ideal, Quality Men and Find Lasting Love FAST (Even if They’ve Never Had It Before)

If you’re looking for The One and you’re tired of all the trial and error, watch my free webinar. Let me show you how we can make it happen for you.

I Look Forward to Showing You How to Raise Your Vibration and Connect with the Man of Your Dreams! 

Yours in Nakedness,

How to Actually Attain Unconditional Love

Ladies, I like making LISTS, can I get a hell yeah?!?! Food lists, to-do lists, call lists, goal lists, you know what I’m talking about. Looooove lists. Last week I made a list of all the lists I need to make.

I struggle with follow-through. Don’t judge me.

And yes, like you, I have kept many a list of the things I am looking for in an ideal man. They have varied in length and detail over the years, but most of my dating life, I had the list.

I’m guessing that you have one too. You may not have a literal list, but if you are looking for THE ONE, and you have any preconceived notions of who that man is, you have a list.

Say it out loud, “Yes Lisa, I have a list.”

Excellent. Now that we’ve brought that to light, I want you to burn that list. Tear it up, throw it away, recycle it, choose your method, but get rid of it.

As much as we love the droplet of dopamine we get from ticking boxes, that particular list is holding you back.

To illustrate why, I ask you to consider a different list. Your bucket list.

Let’s say that you are looking for a SOUL MATE. The person that sees, accepts, and loves you on a soul level. And in order to be intentional about what your soul really wants, you need to get a little more ‘big picture’ about it.

One of the best ways to get real about what your soul wants is to look at your life from the perspective of your deathbed.

Jeez, Lisa. Way to bring it down. 

But listen, this is your soulmate we’re talking about. So, let’s be brave and take a deep, gnarly look at what this means. Imagine that you have found the man of your dreams and spent your lives together. At the end of that life, where will your gratitude come from?

Will you look into your love’s eyes and say, My Dearest, I am so grateful that you made $250k a year or more”?

Or, “I’m so grateful that you were always tall.”

No.  You would most likely say, “I am so thankful that you always loved me unconditionally. Thank you for being the Guardian of my Soul,”

Once you know that what your soul really desires is unconditional love, you can begin to be intentional about finding it. And because we know that we don’t really attract what we what we are, we can then swap out our To-Do list with a To-Be list.

Yay! A LIST!

In order to find unconditional love, you must first know got to give it. You need to be kind. Thoughtful. You need to be selfless compassionate and accepting.

And the beautiful part is, this list of things gets to replace another useless list we’ve had for years. The list of things we’ve told ourselves we need to be in order to find love: beautiful, young, thin, wealthy, feminine, etc. 

Isn’t that delicious???

Once you begin to look for love in this way, everything changes. You can use every date as an opportunity to practice becoming a kinder and more compassionate person. The more you do this, the kinder and more compassionate you become. The more you seek to become an unconditionally loving person, the more it seeks you.

This mindset shift is not an easy one. It took a lot of pain and deep introspection before I realized that, to attract an unconditionally loving relationship, I had to first know how to love and accept another person unconditionally.   After I figured this out, it took me 96 first dates to find ‘The One.’  

Don’t worry.  I am not expecting you to go on that many dates.  I did that work so that you don’t have to. 

If you are lost and struggling in love and feel that you are losing hope that it will ever happen for you, let me guide you through this process.

For more about how I do that, you can take a peek at my webinar, and be sure to take me up on a FREE one-hour Breakthrough Session. You can also join my Facebook group ‘Dating Without Drama’ or follow me on Instagram to become a part of the conversation.

I’d love to talk about a plan to find that unconditional love that is waiting for you. That call could change your life. Think about how amazing it will feel to check “Find my Soulmate” off your list. 

I look forward to connecting with you!
Nakedly Yours,

Why You Should Wait to Have Sex

As a woman of a certain age, I can sometimes be found flipping through my “Personal History of Regrets” for a little reflection. I sit in a leather chair smoking a pipe and wistfully flip through chapters “Wasted Time”, “Missed Opportunities” and “Drunken Online Shopping” to get to the real meat of the book, “SEX I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE.” Then I light my early Victorian beef-tallow lamp, and settle in for a niiiiice long read.

Here’s the deal: The world we live in is highly sexualized. Sex is everywhere.

We are injected with a constant stream of overt and covert messages telling us to have sex. Billions of jillions of dollars are made on products that men think will make sex more available to them and women think will make men want to have sex with them. 

The hyper-sexualization of our culture fuels our economy and is part of our psychic makeup, whether we like that thought or not. And with the digital age giving rise to hook-up culture and further normalizing the commodification of sex, it is harder than ever to escape its throbbing undertones. 

As sex becomes more and more over-valued, while at the same time less and less revered, it becomes harder and harder to say NO to it.

WTF?!?! Say NO to SEX Lisa? Why on earth would I do that?!??

Calm down. Let’s unpack this. I’m not suggesting you give up sex as a lifestyle choice. I am pro sex. I have had quite a lot of it. I find it magically delicious. But if you are on my mailing list, you are probably looking for love. In which case, you are dating. If you are dating a MAN, chances are he wants to have sex. Right away. And as your Dating Coach, I am here to tell you: DON’T.

Do I sound like your mother? Listen, I don’t want to be a bad feminist. If you are that rare woman who can have sex like a man and not get attached, more power to you. But the fact is, most of us have made the mistake of having sex too soon. And if you’re looking for a real, deep, connected relationship, this is just a bad idea. There are some solid reasons why. Thankfully, none of them involve platitudes from the 1950’s that about cows or milk. 

There are solid scientific reasons why you should wait. But before I get into them, let’s look at the most common reasons that we have sex too soon:


Okay. Understandable. You like him. He wants to. Society tells him he’s entitled to have it, so he’s expecting it. Maybe you have floppy boundaries and don’t know how to say no in a loving way. Or your self-esteem has a few holes in it, so you feel obligated. Either way, you think if you don’t pony up, he’ll lose interest and go get it somewhere else.


Yup, understandable. You want him to like you. Maybe even love you. What does love lead to? Sex. So, it stands to reason that sex will read to love, right? Nope. Read on.


Good for you! Congratulations, you are a robot. In which case, you probably aren’t interested in love and there are probably some other blogs that are better suited for your interests. Thanks for visiting!

If you’ve tried any of these popular techniques, then you know they rarely achieve the desired result. To understand why, we need to understand what is happening in a man’s brain that drives the interaction.

When a man likes you, is attracted to you, and pursuing you, his brain releases dopamine. Dopamine associated with motivation and reward. It’s called the “feel-good neurotransmitter” for that reason.

It is also associated with the feeling of novelty, so when the relationship is new and exciting, dopamine levels are high. As soon as you have sex though, men literally experience what is called a dopamine drop. When that happens, if you haven’t taken time to build a connection that leads to the higher emotions, he loses interest. His brain wants more dopamine, and it will try to get it by going out and finding more novelty. 

Meanwhile our female brains have released oxytocin, which have caused up to feel bonded to the guy. And we’re left brokenhearted, or at least seriously bummed out. Not to mention still single.

Sometimes the guy is a player and really only wanted sex from you. But sometimes the guy is great and he’s just powerless over his own biology. So are we, which is why having sex too soon is a bad path to love. 

The unfair part of that is we women are usually the ones feeling all of the pain in that equation. And the pain of having a guy lose interest right after we have sex with him is one we all know a little too well.

The longer you wait, the longer you keep his dopamine high and the longer you keep that sense of novelty. Then, when you do have sex, the connection is grounded in higher emotions and becomes a different thing entirely. 

When you start making these decisions for yourself, the amazing thing is that you start attracting men that are in alignment with that value.

When I met Benjamin, we waited a good long time to have sex. Not only did we wait, I didn’t even have to ask him. He told me on our fifth date that he really liked me and wanted to get to know me, and that we didn’t have to rush into anything. Including sex. Can you imagine?

I was gobsmacked. That’s when I knew that I’d found him. I found the one who wanted to get to know my soul. And when we finally did make love, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced.

I want you to find the love that you desire. The deep, connected relationship with that beautiful guy who is 100% the right one for you. And the right one will wait, with respect and without question.

And if my scientific evidence, supported by a substantial amount of thankless shagging on my part, aren’t enough to convince you, why not give me a call. Most of my clients find lasting love within 6 to 12 months and I want to tell you how I can make that happen for you.

Click here to schedule a FREE one-hour Breakthrough Session.

You can also join my Facebook group ‘Dating Without Drama’ or follow me on Instagram to become a part of the conversation.

Meanwhile, I’m going to finish this chapter on all the times I wish I didn’t wait to have sex. Oh-wait. There isn’t one.

I look forward to connecting with you!

Keep it Naked,

The Single Biggest Mistake You’re Making That’s Keeping You Single

You’ve heard the expression, “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince,” right? Like a lot of modern dating advice, this gem comes from a Fairy Tale. The Frog Prince to be exact, written by renowned relationship experts The Brothers Grimm.

Well, I have a few things to say about that. First of all, that is not how the story went. That Princess kissed one frog, one time. It’s not like she had a thing for frogs and went around frog-kissing, thinking to herself, One of these is bound to be a Prince who was cursed by an evil Fairy!

Imagine if someone had actually given that piece of advice to that Princess. How many years do you think she would keep kissing frogs before she said, I don’t think this is how you find a Prince.” 

Do you think she’d keep it up for years? Probably not. And neither should you.

Trial and error is for rearranging your living room, making a soufflé, or developing a vaccine. It’s not for relationships. If you’re just trying at finding love, then you’re probably making the same mistakes over and over again.

The truth is, the more time you spend in trial and error with love, the more you damage yourself. The more you repeat negative relationship patterns, the more negative energy you bring into your life. The more heartbreak you have, the more closed your heart becomes, and the less likely you become to EVER find love at all.

Nobody teaches us how to navigate this stuff. Men and women have completely different biology. We have completely different societal conditioning. Mix that into a cocktail with our own individual emotional baggage, and we are basically designed to fail.

Which is why the biggest mistake that you can make in looking for love is trying to figure it out on your own. 

There is a lot more to dating and finding love than you might know. If you’ve read some books and gone to therapy, you’ve probably grown and learned a few things. But those things only move the needle slightly.

If you decided you wanted to climb Mount Everest, you wouldn’t just read a few books and then try to climb it, would you? If you did, you’d be leaving the outcome up to chance. No, you wouldn’t go up that mountain without a guide.

Somebody who knows the geography of that mountain like the back of their hand. Someone who knows the path to the top and every step along the way. Someone to hold your hand and guide you on the journey. Someone who knows the process intimately, and can answer all of your questions about it. Perhaps over a nice warm cup of Yak milk.

I spent 10 years of my life working, studying, and struggling to crack the codes of the dating process so that you don’t have to. With structure, process, and guidance, most of my clients find love within 6 to 12 months. Investing in a professional dating coach is one of the absolute best things you can do for yourself!

The return on investment is almost too great to measure. But here’s a couple of stats: 

–12 of my clients got married last year
–Millions of frogs went unmolested

I can make this happen for you. If you’d like to know more, get yourself on my schedule and let me take you on a FREE one-hour Breakthrough Session. And seriously, forget about all this frog-kissing business. Most of my clients find true love within 6 months to a year.

You can also join my Facebook group ‘Dating Without Drama’ or follow me on Instagram to become a part of the conversation.

I know where the Princes are. Looking forward to connecting with you!

Nakedly Yours,

Will Online Dating Actually Work to Land You Love?

One of my favorite things is to hear comedians riff about dating online. It seems to be a popular topic in comedy these days and for good reason. After all, it’s almost 2020. I think it’s safe to say that online dating has become an established social norm. Its pros and cons are widely relatable. And if comedy really equals truth plus pain, there is plenty of material.

So many women who are struggling in the dating world tell me, “Lisa, I tried online dating and it just doesn’t work for me.For many of them, online dating is truly painful. I get it. I know why they think it doesn’t work. They open an account,  throw a few random pictures up. They have a girlfriend help them with their profile. They pick a few guys that sound witty and they have some things in common with. Then, they proceed to spend two or five or ten years meeting the wrong men before they finally throw in the towel.

Like I said, I get it. Guilty. Been there. Bought the T-shirt.

If you want to wear a T-Shirt that says, “I am completely over online dating,” be my guest. We might finally know who Banksy is. But for those of us who are less avant-garde, here’s a truth bomb:

Telling yourself that online dating “just doesn’t work for you” is bullshit. And I mean that in the most elegant and loving way: Bull. Shit.

If something doesn’t work for you, you can’t blame the thing. You have to take a look at how you’re doing the thing.

Just because you’re an amazing catch, you’re a wicked, smart, successful, badass, AND a bag o’chips, it doesn’t necessarily mean that after a lifetime of struggling to find a good man, you are going to post a dating profile and instantly meet your prince. That would be nice but…

Let’s think this through together.  Whatever it is you’re awesome at, you had to study how to do it. You invested time and money learning how to do that thing and do it well. If you’re a doctor, lawyer, a director of HR, an investment banker, a hair stylist, a life coach, a therapist… you didn’t just wake up one day and say, “Hum, I think I will be a (fill in the blank).” There was a learning curve in there somewhere.

It’s the same thing with dating. Some of you have a terrible history of relationships. Others have never had one. Still, so many people approach online dating like it is some instant, magical portal to The One. More often than not, it doesn’t work that way. You have to be patient and know what you’re doing.

So, here are just a few of the more common mistakes I see people make when dating online:


When I say this to people, they’ll laugh and say, “Yeah but I want to look like who I really am.” The truth of the matter is, if your pictures aren’t captivating, men will scroll right past you.  You have to stand out. A good professional photographer will know how to light you and get your most flattering angles.  She will also know how to bring out your personality and make you shine. You want to look like your best self, but you also want to show a little bit of your soul. And for that, you need a pro. Next to hiring a love coach, getting professional photos is the best investment you can make for dating.


Most of you were having your girlfriends help you write profiles, right? Because they know you, and they love you, and that’s great. But they’re not professionals… and they are not men. You want your profile to speak to the heart of the kind of man you want. In order to do that, you need to be able to think like that man.

If you’re not working with a dating coach, at least spend some time researching online. There are tons of discussions, templates, and even professional profile writers that you can hire. However you do it, keep your target audience in mind and write it to him.


There’s an art to being able to read other people’s profiles. You need to be able to read the text beneath the text to know whether somebody is right for you. Maybe you can tell that he’s funny and you have a lot in common. But can you tell if he’s a player, a narcissist, or a liar? You have to know how to analyze these profiles. Knowing how to do this will help save you tremendous time and heartache.

There is a method to every aspect of dating. Sure, some people get lucky. But why would you leave something so important to chance? You invested in yourself to get where you are in your professional life, why wouldn’t you do the same for your love life? Why would you spend more precious years of your life spinning your wheels when there are experts who can help you?

If you’re struggling, feeling like nothing you’ve been doing is working, and don’t know what else to try, I can help. You don’t want to miss out on the most beautiful part of life. I help people navigate all of the painful, difficult, messy aspects of dating and walk them through every step of the process. Most of my clients find love in 6 to 12 months.

Do something amazing for yourself and let me show you how I can do this for you. There’s a FREE one-hour Breakthrough Session with your name on it, all you have to do is click here. You can also join my Facebook group ‘Dating Without Drama’ or follow me on Instagram to become a part of the conversation.

In the meantime, go watch some comedy. You’re beautiful when you laugh.

I look forward to connecting with you!

Stop Getting Attached to Men Too Fast!

Hey Ladies, any of you ever been on a diet? Anyone?? Really? You too? Maybe you’re on one right now and want to punch your screen that I would even ask such an asinine question.

Well, here’s another one: have you ever been on a diet and lasted less than a week, only to collapse into a box of cupcakes?

Me too. It’s a natural thing to do. After all, you’ve spent an entire week eating quinoa. While you were fantasizing about cupcakes. And while that sugar may feel good at the moment, we know that it’s about to be followed by a big, fat CRASH.

Sound familiar? If you’re nodding, you’ve probably done the exact same thing with dating. You go for so long without finding a guy that you really click with, and you’re starving. Then you meet someone who makes you feel good, and you fall HARD, FAST.

There are ONE of TWO outcomes:

1. Things get weird, he gets spooked, runs away. You are devastated.

2. When you actually DO get to know him, you find that he’s totally wrong. You are devastated.

Okay, actually there’s ONE outcome. You are devastated!

That’s what happened to a woman in my Facebook group this week. After looking online for a long time, she met someone she really clicked with. They texted for a couple of weeks. On the second date, he started acting weird. Then he told her that he wasn’t ready for intimacy or a relationship. She was completely crushed, beyond proportion to the length of time that she had actually known this guy. So many of us do this!

The hard truth is, attaching to someone before you actually know them is a huge danger zone.

When we want something badly, we store up energy and emotion around it, especially if that desire goes unfulfilled for a long time. Then, you finally meet somebody and you WANT them to be the one, so all that stored up energy and emotion takes over.

The minute he starts saying the right things, you begin to project your fantasy onto him. The truth is that you don’t actually know who he is yet, but you’re already attached because you want that sugar.

This is called an anxious attachment, and it’s an extremely unhealthy way to start a relationship. Take time, in the beginning, to go slow, get to know a guy and enjoy the process! This is crucial, despite what your brain and body are telling you to do.

It’s a fine balance. But even when you’ve waited for love for a long time, it’s important not to give your heart away too fast. It deserves better. Those who rush into relationships too fast tend to do it over and over again.

Unfortunately, most of our attachment issues start in childhood and they can run deep. Even if you try to tell yourself to slow down, it can feel impossible to stop yourself when your mind and body are telling you, “Go for it! It’s been ages since you’ve felt this way about anyone.”

Working with an expert love coach is the best way to get a handle on your anxiety and stop attracting the wrong men and sabotaging your chances at love.

If this sounds like you, and you’d like to talk through it, click here. If you’re finding yourself heartbroken again and again, I can help you break the cycle. I offer a FREE one-hour Breakthrough Session. These are exactly the things that I help people work through. Most of my clients find true love within 6 months to a year.

You can also join my Facebook group ‘Dating Without Drama’ or follow me on Instagram to become a part of the conversation.

I look forward to connecting with you!

Slow and Sensual

My friend Simone is a man magnet. She is one of the most sensual women I know. She’s one of those women that you look at and think, “What is it about her??” It’s something about the way she owns her body. She moves across a room with this incredible, grounded energy that is so beautiful and playful and alive. 

One of the things my husband has said to me is that men love women who move slowly-who are sensual. That is Simone. You probably know a Simone yourself, and you think she’s just born with it. But you can learn to be sensual and present in your body in a way that is crazy attractive to men, without having to shrink your personality.

Let’s get a little nerdy about it:

If you are a human female, you’re no stranger to unsolicited advice about your body. What it should look like, what size it should be, what you should put on it, in it, around it. This has likely had a profound effect on how you feel about your body, and in your body. 

This is not news, but it is 90% of advertising. Okay, there’s a perfect body type and 90% of us aren’t it. You want us to buy stuff. We’re onto it. What we don’t think about is how these negative messages can internalize, and cause us to disconnect from our bodies. 

Verbal communication is only one of the ways that we express ourselves. Our bodies give off a wealth of information all the time. Our mouths communicate what we want people to know, but our bodies show how we relate to the world.

Your body is giving off messages to men at all times. Do you know what your body is saying? If you’ve lost that connection, you probably don’t. When you’re in your head, and you’re multitasking, and you’re doing and doing and doing, how does that show up in your body?

When you’re on your phone and in your purse and doing all those things that make you competent and successful, your body may be telling men, “I’m busy, all these things need my attention, and I’m unavailable.”

And here’s the vicious circle: you may be keeping yourself busy with all these things to distract you from the fact that you are alone. You are multitasking the pain away. You don’t have to think about the fact that you don’t have a man in your life to spend your free time playing, exploring, and making passionate love with. You don’t have to be honest about how much it really sucks. I’ve been there.

Part of being Emotionally Naked is reclaiming your relationship to your body. 

When you are connected to your body, you can start being in your body instead of doing in your body. You can stop sending those unconscious messages that push men away.

Your body is the primary director of your energy. Even if you have a huge personality, you want to be able to use that energy in a focused, magnetic way.

One of the ways to tap into emotional nakedness is to be intentional about being present in your body. When you are present in your body, the message that sends to men is, “I’m here, I’m available, and I’m listening.” And that kind of energy is irresistible. 

Being a sensual woman is all about living life with all five senses. You can practice this by using some “Slow and Sensual” awareness.

Find some time in your day to be fully in your body. You can be on a walk, refilling coffee at the office or pulling warm laundry out of the dryer. It doesn’t matter too much what you are doing, as long as you are using all of your body.

Take a moment to slow down and take everything in. Feel the texture of what’s in your hand. Feel the warmth of the coffee cup. Notice the wind and all the smells and sounds around you. Smell a flower and let it tickle your nose a little.

Take it in and seek it out, let your body respond. 

When you connect with your body in this way you become magnetic. It’s a present, energetic, ageless kind of beauty that draws men to you. When you relate to the world as if it is delicious, exquisite, warm, soft, and sensual, men cannot help but see you that way. 

If you want to learn more about how you can tap into these beautiful, magnetically attractive qualities that are inside all of us, click here to schedule a breakthrough call.

In the meantime, take the time to stop and smell the roses. Or the chocolate. Or the Prosecco. Or whatever else turns you on.


The Nature of the Bridge

We all have underlying fears that keep us from getting what we want in life. These fears are deep and they are usually related to past hurts. You have issues. I have issues. We all have enough to fill a magazine rack.

But in order to get what we want, we need to grow. We need to make changes. We need to go outside of our comfort zone. I know you’ve heard that phrase a million times, but I’d like to look at what it really means.

When you choose to stay with what feels comfortable and familiar, you get to avoid having to face anything that may require you to confront your issues. Doing this may feel like it is keeping you safe, but it is really keeping you stuck.

Something that’s important to know is that the anxiety you have about facing your fears is almost always much worse than just doing the thing you’re so afraid to do.

When I was dating, I had enough emotional blocks for a wicked game of Tetris. I was scared.  I was stuck. But then something happened that changed my life.

Here’s how it went down:

Let me begin by saying that I am not a thrill-seeker, at least not in the physical sense. You won’t find me bungee jumping or skydiving or anything else with the words “jump” or “dive” in it.

Part of the reason is that I fell off a horse when I was 15 and very nearly killed myself. It was deeply traumatic, so you can also cross off things with the word “ride” in it too.

So, there I was at a leadership training in the woods. I had neglected to read the fine print on the contract when I signed up for the course.   If I’d paid better attention, I would have known that we were going to be doing a series of death-defying challenges known as a ropes course.

I found myself standing underneath a 10-story suspension bridge strung between two redwood trees. They were expecting me to walk across this thing.

But it gets better. I need to tell you about the construction: two ropes with some slats laid across them. That’s it. No handrails. Just a safety harness tethered to your groin that you trust other people to hoist you up with if you fall. Good thing I don’t have any trust issues. None at all.

I’m not done. The slats were spaced far apart so you had to stretch to get from one to the other and the whole thing shakes. It is specifically designed to throw you off balance and make you feel like you’re going to fall to your death at any moment.

As I was standing on the ground watching the other women go, I began to freak out. The first one shimmied up the pole and stepped out on the plank. It started to shake. She froze. I froze.

The first one shimmied up the pole, stepped out onto the plank. It started to shake. She froze. I froze.

A few more go. Some of them freeze, some of them fall. They get up. The bridge shook. I shook. It was almost my turn. What was I going to do? I was so paralyzed with fear that I literally left my body.

Then, a voice that is not my own, said, “Go sit under a tree and meditate.”

I didn’t have a better plan, so I sat down on the ground and propped my back up against one of the Redwood trees. I closed my eyes. “Breathe,” I told myself.  “Just breathe.”

I breathed.

Eventually, I began to calm down a little and feel the blood come back into my limbs. Then, I heard the voice again.

The nature of the bridge is to shake. Expect it to shake. It will shake.”

I opened my eyes. That’s it?? That’s all you got for me, Jedi voice? Expect it to shake? What was I supposed to do with that?

I sat with it and, after a few moments, it miraculously began to make sense! There was nothing I could do to stop the bridge from shaking. That is its true nature. If I got angry at it for shaking and I fought it, I would lose. I had to embrace the nature of the bridge. I had to work with it, instead of against it. And that’s exactly what I did.

I climbed the pole, I stepped onto the first plank and, true to its nature, the bridge shook.

I waited for it to stop. When I felt confident and safe, I took the next step. The bridge shook again. I kept my knees soft and waited for the shaking to stop. Then, I took another step. And just like that, step-by-step, I got across the bridge.

So, just as the nature of the bridge is to shake, the nature of dating is to face your fears and insecurities. Dating forces you to look at the ways you hold back and doubt yourself. As you go on dates and are searching for love, your fears are bound to come up.  

Just like most people panicked when the bridge started shaking, most people freeze, go into victim mode and retreat to their comfort zone when dating gets real. But what if, instead of freezing, you could embrace the nature of dating?

It is only when you have accepted the true nature of something that you will see what it has to teach you.

Dating shows you what your fears and blocks are so you can pause, breathe and accept them. Maybe you are afraid of rejection.  Maybe you’re afraid to open up and show someone the real you. Maybe you are afraid to ask for what you want from a man because you’re afraid you will seem needy or insecure. Whatever your fears are, dating is designed to show you where they are so you can move past them and get across the bridge to your true love who is waiting for you on the other side.

And here’s the great news: the other side is glorious. Facing my fears and getting to the other side of that bridge was the best feeling in the world. I wouldn’t want to do it again, nor would I want to look for another Benjamin, but I am closer to my true self for having done it.

If you would like some help in getting to your other side, click here to schedule a breakthrough session with me. Take a step towards finding the guardian of your soul. Trust me. It will be worth it.

Nakedly Yours,

Are You Drowning in the Dating World?

When I talk with women about how they’re feeling in their love lives, a word that come up repeatedly is “drowning.”

Some feel that they are drowning in the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not they will ever find love. Some are drowning in worry about what their lives will be like if they don’t.

Others are drowning in the frustration of feeling like they are doing everything they can, and still getting nowhere.

And some of them tell me they are drowning their pain in alcohol or food to cover up the negative self-feeling, which of course, creates more negative self-feeling.

The word “drowning” has particular resonance for me. The fear, the overwhelm, the helplessness. But for the sake of analogy and an offering of hope, I’d like to share with you a personal story about the time I DID NOT DIE in a drowning incident:

Bali. Honeymoon of my first marriage. Monsoon Season. Suspiciously Empty Beach.

Then-Hub and I walk out on a sandbar. He goes in, I get carried off the sandbar.

I try to swim to shore, but the tide is going out. I can’t get in.

I’m getting pulled further and further out. I’m yelling.

I get pulled further. The waves are crashing. I’m kicking. He can’t hear me.

I try to get back in. He can’t hear me from the shore. I’m kicking. No matter what I do, can’t get anywhere. And I am a strong swimmer.

I’m strong. He doesn’t even know that something is wrong.

As fate would have it, out of literally nowhere, since the beach had been deserted, a strange man swims up to me.

He asks, “are you OK? “ “Yes,“ I say, “but I can’t get in.“

“Just put your arms around me and swim with me.“ He says.

“I will get you in.“

When we got to the shore, I looked at him – well over 6 feet tall, Australian, rippling muscles, tan with sandy blond hair – these are just details. Very. Important. Details.

I looked at him and asked “am I crazy, or was I going to drown out there?”

He said, “you weren’t getting in the way you were going.” 

“What do you mean?“ I asked him?

He said, “well you can’t swim against the tide, you have to swim diagonally. “

Contact me for movie rights.

Let’s be clear, the analogy here isn’t: if you feel like you’re drowning, keep doing what you’ve been doing and a ridiculously hot Australian guy will come along and save you. That doesn’t happen in real life. Well, actually it does. But the odds are low.

My point is, if I had panicked and gotten scared I could’ve drowned before he got to me. But more importantly, even though I felt the tide pushing against me, I could easily have swum to shore had I had that one important piece of information.

Deep in my heart, I want nothing more than for women to know that if you feel like you were drowning in the dating world, it is not because you lack. You may, however, be lacking the right information

So many people don’t understand is that there is help out there. There are experts and coaches who can help you navigate these waters by taking your hand and showing you how it’s done. This is one of the most important areas of your life and you can literally take years off the journey by learning how to stop swimming against the tide.

It is so easy to feel like you are drowning in the dating world, and waste years of precious time doing so.

And it’s also pretty easy not to. It is important for you to know that you are not alone. There are people on the beach and there are plenty of floating objects around you.

Get started by scheduling your free one hour breakthrough call. I want to tell you how coaching can literally make this journey joyful, playful, exciting, and positive. I want to help you learn how to swim diagonally, and into the arms of the Guardian of your Soul. 

I look forward to connecting with you!