As a woman of a certain age, I can sometimes be found flipping through my “Personal History of Regrets” for a little reflection. I sit in a leather chair smoking a pipe and wistfully flip through chapters “Wasted Time”, “Missed Opportunities” and “Drunken Online Shopping” to get to the real meat of the book, “SEX I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE.” Then I light my early Victorian beef-tallow lamp, and settle in for a niiiiice long read.
Here’s the deal: The world we live in is highly sexualized. Sex is everywhere.
We are injected with a constant stream of overt and covert messages telling us to have sex. Billions of jillions of dollars are made on products that men think will make sex more available to them and women think will make men want to have sex with them.
The hyper-sexualization of our culture fuels our economy and is part of our psychic makeup, whether we like that thought or not. And with the digital age giving rise to hook-up culture and further normalizing the commodification of sex, it is harder than ever to escape its throbbing undertones.
As sex becomes more and more over-valued, while at the same time less and less revered, it becomes harder and harder to say NO to it.
WTF?!?! Say NO to SEX Lisa? Why on earth would I do that?!??
Calm down. Let’s unpack this. I’m not suggesting you give up sex as a lifestyle choice. I am pro sex. I have had quite a lot of it. I find it magically delicious. But if you are on my mailing list, you are probably looking for love. In which case, you are dating. If you are dating a MAN, chances are he wants to have sex. Right away. And as your Dating Coach, I am here to tell you: DON’T.
Do I sound like your mother? Listen, I don’t want to be a bad feminist. If you are that rare woman who can have sex like a man and not get attached, more power to you. But the fact is, most of us have made the mistake of having sex too soon. And if you’re looking for a real, deep, connected relationship, this is just a bad idea. There are some solid reasons why. Thankfully, none of them involve platitudes from the 1950’s that about cows or milk.
There are solid scientific reasons why you should wait. But before I get into them, let’s look at the most common reasons that we have sex too soon:
1. WE LIKE HIM.
Okay. Understandable. You like him. He wants to. Society tells him he’s entitled to have it, so he’s expecting it. Maybe you have floppy boundaries and don’t know how to say no in a loving way. Or your self-esteem has a few holes in it, so you feel obligated. Either way, you think if you don’t pony up, he’ll lose interest and go get it somewhere else.
2. WE WANT HIM TO LIKE US.
Yup, understandable. You want him to like you. Maybe even love you. What does love lead to? Sex. So, it stands to reason that sex will read to love, right? Nope. Read on.
3. YOU JUST WANT SEX.
Good for you! Congratulations, you are a robot. In which case, you probably aren’t interested in love and there are probably some other blogs that are better suited for your interests. Thanks for visiting!
If you’ve tried any of these popular techniques, then you know they rarely achieve the desired result. To understand why, we need to understand what is happening in a man’s brain that drives the interaction.
When a man likes you, is attracted to you, and pursuing you, his brain releases dopamine. Dopamine associated with motivation and reward. It’s called the “feel-good neurotransmitter” for that reason.
It is also associated with the feeling of novelty, so when the relationship is new and exciting, dopamine levels are high. As soon as you have sex though, men literally experience what is called a dopamine drop. When that happens, if you haven’t taken time to build a connection that leads to the higher emotions, he loses interest. His brain wants more dopamine, and it will try to get it by going out and finding more novelty.
Meanwhile our female brains have released oxytocin, which have caused up to feel bonded to the guy. And we’re left brokenhearted, or at least seriously bummed out. Not to mention still single.
Sometimes the guy is a player and really only wanted sex from you. But sometimes the guy is great and he’s just powerless over his own biology. So are we, which is why having sex too soon is a bad path to love.
The unfair part of that is we women are usually the ones feeling all of the pain in that equation. And the pain of having a guy lose interest right after we have sex with him is one we all know a little too well.
The longer you wait, the longer you keep his dopamine high and the longer you keep that sense of novelty. Then, when you do have sex, the connection is grounded in higher emotions and becomes a different thing entirely.
When you start making these decisions for yourself, the amazing thing is that you start attracting men that are in alignment with that value.
When I met Benjamin, we waited a good long time to have sex. Not only did we wait, I didn’t even have to ask him. He told me on our fifth date that he really liked me and wanted to get to know me, and that we didn’t have to rush into anything. Including sex. Can you imagine?
I was gobsmacked. That’s when I knew that I’d found him. I found the one who wanted to get to know my soul. And when we finally did make love, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced.
I want you to find the love that you desire. The deep, connected relationship with that beautiful guy who is 100% the right one for you. And the right one will wait, with respect and without question.
And if my scientific evidence, supported by a substantial amount of thankless shagging on my part, aren’t enough to convince you, why not give me a call. Most of my clients find lasting love within 6 to 12 months and I want to tell you how I can make that happen for you.
Click here to schedule a FREE one-hour Breakthrough Session.
You can also join my Facebook group ‘Dating Without Drama’ or follow me on Instagram to become a part of the conversation.
Meanwhile, I’m going to finish this chapter on all the times I wish I didn’t wait to have sex. Oh-wait. There isn’t one.
I look forward to connecting with you!
Keep it Naked,