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FREE TRAINING

Lisa Shield

Your Career Is NOT Your Most Attractive Asset

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A big question for many single women today is, “Does my career intimidate men?” Most men aren’t intimidated by a successful woman, but they aren’t going to be attracted to you because of your career either. A man will respect your accomplishments, but that isn’t going to make him want to date you. I am not saying you should dumb yourself down or feel ashamed because you’re successful, but your success won’t make you more dateable.

In contrast, women see men as protectors and providers which makes a man’s career part of what attracts us to him. Especially if you are going to have a family, it’s important to find a man you can count on financially. While you might be happy to contribute to the overall economic well being of your relationship, I am pretty sure you don’t want a man to see you as HIS provider because, if he does, chances are he will want to YOU to support HIM.

Role Reversal

In theory, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with a woman supporting a man, but it rarely works out in the long run. Why? Because it feels emasculating to most men. A large part of why men work to make money and climb the ladder of success —  so that THEY can attract the hottest women. THEY want to be able to impress US with what they can offer.

Just as women know that their beauty and femininity play a huge role in attracting a man, men know that their success plays a major part in attracting a woman. So, when a woman is super successful, a man feels like he has nothing to offer her that she doesn’t already have. He won’t  feel like he has anything to give you that you can’t give to yourself, he won’t feel like he has anything of value to contribute to your life or to the relationship.

Wanting vs. Needing Someone

In order to feel like a man in your eyes, he needs to feel like you need him. A lot of women say, “But I WANT a man, even if I don’t need one.” Wanting and needing someone are very different. You might want a chocolate chip cookie, but you don’t need it. You could take it or leave it. It’s not the end of the world. But love, food, oxygen… those are things you need. When you need a man, he feels like he’s an essential part of your life.

Romantic relationships are all about getting our mutual needs met.  A man will protect and provide for you and, in return, he will want you to nurture and comfort him. This might sound very old-fashioned, but when all is said and done, in a romantic relationship, there needs to be some sort of trade-off. The beauty of a relationship between a man and woman is that, each sex brings a unique kind of love and support to our partner. When we think of feminine qualities, empathy, compassion, and nurturance come to mind. When we think of masculine qualities, we think of protectiveness, integrity, strength, and courage.

What men and women offer each other is different but valuable. In the same way you need to feel that you offer something unique to your partner that he can’t easily get elsewhere, he needs to feel the same way.

Men Want to Be Our Superheros

Being too self-sufficient as a woman isn’t attractive to most men. Why do you think they make all those superhero movies? Because most men fantasize about being the hero and rescue the beautiful damsel in distress.  That is EVERY man’s fantasy. They want to be our hero, and they do that by impressing us with how strong, capable, and successful they are. Men live to see the smile on our faces and how we light up because of all the amazing things they do for us.

Right now you are probably thinking, “So, Lisa, what I hear you saying is that I am suppose to give up my career so I can be more attractive to a man?” No. That’s not what I am saying at all. There are lots of successful women who have fabulous husbands — myself included — but these women understand how to not be intimidating or emasculating to their man.

How can you be one of them?

Be Vulnerable

You need to show a man that you need him. If you’re having a hard day at work, come home and say, “Babe, could you just cuddle with me on the sofa? I just need you to put your arms around me.” Or, “I just want you to hold me.”

Ask For His Advice

Don’t pretend like you have it all figured out. Even if you do, there are things that men offer women in relationships that we can’t get from other women or even give ourselves. Male perspective is very different than female perspective. Ask for his input on things and give him a chance to impress you with who he is and how he looks at life.

Be in Touch With Your Femininity

Don’t come home with that corporate attitude. When you walk in the door and your guy comes home, leave your job behind. Walk in the house with a “Hey babe,” put on your sexy, and be feminine.

Make Him Feel Like Top Dog

You have to understand how men think and operate. You’ve got to mirror his masculinity back to him and let him feel like he’s top dog. As women, we tend to talk more than the average man. We love to share about what’s going on in our world, which means we can share a lot about what’s happening at work. You want to be sure to ask about what HIS work and be genuinely interested and impressed with what he’s doing.

Be Happy and Passionate

There’s nothing worse than a woman who’s stressed out and constantly complains about her job. That can be a real turnoff to a guy. But if you LOVE your job, it can be a real turn on. Men appreciate happy women who are passionate about their work.

While your career is certainly something to be proud of, it’s not a selling point when it comes to romance. You don’t want to be supporting a man as much as he doesn’t want to be supported by you. Leave your career at the door and make him feel like top dog in your relationship, and you’ll be able to able to find a relationship that is worth way more than a title and a paycheck.

If you need help stepping into your feminine or if you’d like to learn more about men, let’s jump on a free breakthrough call!

Yours in Nakedness,

THE WIDENING ROAD

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With my 40th birthday on the horizon, I knew I needed to start dating again if I wanted to find a soulmate. I looked around at other women who were also dating. Many of them, especially the older ones, had suffered so many disappointments that they had become bitter and angry and closed off to men. To protect themselves, they created long lists of requirements for their next partner. These lists were so long that no one man could possibly fit the bill. For those women, the road ahead seemed to be getting narrower and narrower and so were their chances at finding love.

I didn’t want to be want to be like them. I didn’t want to become more closed off and difficult as I dated. I wanted to become kinder and more understanding. I wanted the road ahead of me to widen with each date.

So, I started dating, and I decided to see each date as a stepping-stone to love. Instead of focusing on the negatives, I looked for lessons and discovered that every date was teaching me something new about love, men relationships and myself. As I did this, instead of feeling like every date was a disappointment or a dead end, I felt like each date was bringing me closer and closer to The One.

I chose to see more possibilities, not less. As I did this, I felt myself become kinder, and softer, and sweeter, and more feminine, and gentler with men. I developed more compassion and understanding as I dated. Where other women became less open and more shut off to men, I became more open and playful.

I didn’t want my road to be narrow; I wanted to widen the road.

The Hurt Goes Both Ways

When dating, it’s easy to shut your hearts and close off a little more each time things don’t go your way. I know it’s not right for someone to ghost another person or to lie or cheat, but I’m not a saint… are you? I know that despite my best intentions, I have hurt other people in my search for love. I have let others down, broken other people’s hearts, I’ve been selfish and self-centered, and I’ve made some very poor choices that I regret. To date successfully and find a Guardian of Your Soul, you need to accept that we are all hurt each other while trying to figure out how to love and be loved.

Permission to Fail

Sometimes, we have to get it wrong before we get it right. In order to grow and learn, we need to have compassion and give others and ourselves permission to fail.

One of the hardest things for most of my clients is to ask for something from a man. They are afraid that they will sound needy, weak or insecure if they do. Have you ever felt that way?  

Your Playfulness Is a Gift

When I first started dating, I was not the woman I was two years later when I met my husband, Benjamin. I know that he wouldn’t have fallen in love with the woman I was at 39. It was the woman I became after two years of dating and 96 first dates; two of years of being open, understanding and playful with 96 different men, that made him realize on our very first date that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me

It was my openness, my joy, and my passion that were so attractive to him. And here’s what’s truly fascinating. Many women think it is a man’s job to make them happy, but I love Benjamin so much that I feel he deserves to be with a woman who is happy, joyful, playful, and open-minded, and who isn’t petty and doesn’t hold onto things. A woman who doesn’t take things personally. That is my gift to my husband. I realized when I met him, when we fell in love, I looked at him and I thought, “It is not your job to make me happy. It is my gift to you to be happy and whole.”

Being Open and Joyful Makes Love Easy

I couldn’t imagine a relationship that is more joyful, and more playful, and more silly and fun and safe, and compassionate than the one I have with Benjamin. We have so much compassion for each other, and we’re both quick to forgive. Recently, we were talking about how easy it is to be in our relationship because we make it so safe for each other, and we can talk about anything without getting upset, and we let go quickly and easily. Benjamin has told me that he feels much of our playful dynamic comes from my end, because I am so forgiving and I don’t take things personally. But I know it’s because I didn’t want to be that bitter woman with a laundry list of things that I was looking for in a partner, a list that nobody could ever measure up to because I had been jilted, and lied to, and cheated on, and God knows what.

Make the More Beautiful Choice

I could have carried that bitterness with me. My first husband, who I was with for thirteen years, was a pathological liar. But he didn’t make me stay in the relationship. I chose to stay there. When I started dating again I had to look at my choices and take responsibility for what I was doing out there, and by doing that, by taking responsibility for my part and for the way I showed up and who I was being; by learning to forgive myself and my exes and learning to let things go, I was able to step into a world of possibility. The road got wider, and wider, and wider, and as I dated, I became more open-minded, kinder, more loving, more compassionate. I made the choice not to carry the bitterness, but to become more sweeter. I made the more beautiful choice.

When you make the more beautiful choice, you will attract a man who can do the same. This is what I want you to know. I am not talking about being permissive or a doormat and not having boundaries. You need to learn how to say no, and have boundaries, and be able to stand up for yourself, but you can do it with kindness, and compassion, and love in your heart. That’s how you make the road get wider, not narrower.

My greatest intention would be for you to say, “I want my road to get wider. I want to let go. I want to be joyful and playful because if I can do that, I can bring that to my relationship, and that will be the kind of relationship I will have.”

And it will be.

Love,

Are You 100% Committed to Dating?

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From the rejections to the dud dates to the number of dating apps, it’s not easy to be out there in the dating world today. I hear it from my clients all the time. They tell me how dating works for “others” but not for them. When I press a little harder, I often find out their dating experience has been nothing more than sporadic. For example, one client shared with me she had two dates in one month, and had been off and on dating apps over the course of a month, and then wondered why it was working for everyone else but her.

Well, I have news for you. If you’re going to commit to finding love, you’re going to have be all in. You cannot stop and start, stop and start, when it comes to dating. You have to be 100% committed to it in order for it to work for you.

You Have to Be Willing to Face the Challenges

There are plenty of reasons why you are not where you want to be in your love life. Dating is going to throw all of that stuff up. You are going to get challenged. But here’s the thing: if you stop and start every time it gets difficult, all you keep doing is set yourself up to go to square one. Every time you say, “I’m out of here, I’m done,” you don’t do yourself any favors. You have to be willing to stick this out. You’ve got to be willing to face those challenges and see them through because, guess what? It does easier. And the thing is, once your stuff comes up through dating – and it will – you learn how to navigate through it. You learn what your patterns are.

When I first started dating, I sat back and I took a good, hard look at myself and said, “Lisa, you have never really committed to 100% to almost anything you’ve done in your life.” There were very few things in my life where I had given it my all and stuck it out and not gave up on it when it got tough or when it was boring. I had a terrible habit of quitting when I didn’t get fast results.

But this time, when it came to finding the love of my life, I knew the stakes were too high. I knew if I didn’t stick through with it, I wasn’t going to get anywhere.  I stood at a crossroad in my life and I realized that either I was going to commit 100% to finding love or I was going to wind up 80-years-old and single with chin hairs and a house full of dogs.  I like cats, but I’m more of a dog person.

So, for the first time in my life, I made a commitment to myself that quitting wasn’t an option. Even if things weren’t going well with a date, even if I faced challenge after challenge, I got right back on that horse and kept going.

Fine, You’ve Got High Standards. But How Will You Find Him?

I hear over and over again from my female clients how picky they are. They want a man who’s exceptional, on their level, who makes a good living, who’s evolved, etc. The thing is, if you have high standards, you better be willing to go out on a lot of dates in order to find him. You are not going to find an exceptional man going on and off the dating sites because you can’t just find a good one. It doesn’t work that way. If you have high standards, then you have to be willing to stay out there until you meet him. Staying committed to your dating journey and kissing those frogs is the only way you’re going to find who you’re looking for. Otherwise, you’ll lose momentum and return to square one.

Being Committed Means It’ll Happen Faster

I know in my heart of hearts that, by staying out there, by not quitting and seeing this thing through the end, I know I made it work faster for me. I sent a message to the universe that I meant business. Because if you are spiritual and you believe that the Universe is working on your behalf to help you attract the things you really want in your life, you will get them, but you have to take action at your end and be willing to do whatever it takes to show the Universe and the powers-that-be that you are in it to win it.

See Each Challenge As a Gift

You can’t stop dating every time it gets hard. You have to see the challenges as gifts. Every time you get challenged, know that there’s something else you need to learn and the lesson is always ‘How can I open my heart a little wider? How can I be kinder and more compassionate? Both to myself and to the men out there?’ If a man ghosts you, it’s not just because he’s a jerk. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he’s afraid of disappointing you. Maybe he just doesn’t have the words to let you know that you’re not a match. When a challenge comes up, face it, get through it, get to the other side, and be thankful for it.

As you do this more and more, your love life will start to gain momentum and you will get there. You will find the love of your life faster because you’re sending a message to the Universe and the powers-that-be that you mean business. That you are 100% committed to this journey of finding love no matter what life throws at you because you can handle it. Because it’s all a gift.

Then, before you know it, one day, you will be sitting across from the guardian of your soul.

XO,

3 Things You Should Never Say To A Man

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You’re dating someone. It’s going great. Then, he forgets to call you when he said you would to firm up plans for your Friday night date. When calls and apologizes, you tell him, “I was disappointed when you didn’t call when you said you would, and I went ahead and made other plans.” You both agree to do something the following week, but you never hear from him again. Not a call. Not a text. Nothing. You feel confused. You can’t figure out what went wrong. All you did was express your feelings. Should you have just buried them and said nothing at all?

Of course, you shouldn’t bury your feelings. You had every right to say how you felt, you just needed to say it in a way that a MAN could hear it. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, men and women communicate differently, VERY differently. And there are certain things you should NEVER, ever say to a man. Here are my top three:

#1. “I’m Disappointed”

Men hate hearing this word. Why? Because the LAST thing they want to do is “disappoint” women. Men want to make us HAPPY, and they feel emasculated when you tell them they’ve disappointed you.

I had heard this information before, but I was still surprised when I talked to my husband one day about what a client should say to a guy who had let her down. I was running some things by him, and I used the word disappointed. He had a very strong reaction and said, “Oh, no. Do not use THAT word. Whatever you do, don’t tell a man he’s disappointed you.”

If a man lets you down or he doesn’t call you when he said he would, you need to let him know that it’s not okay, but you need to phrase it carefully. You could say,

“I would have loved it if you’d called me sooner. I was really looking forward to seeing you. But when I didn’t hear from you, I went ahead and made other plans.”

If you say it this way, he will will be impressed by how kindly you expressed your feelings. He will also get the message that you aren’t going to wait around for him 😉

#2. “How Do You Feel About Me?”

Men are not as in touch with their feelings as women are. (Duh!) Therefore, when you ask a man, “How do you feel about me?” it feels like a trick question. When asked how he “feels,” the typical man will get a blank look on his face and struggle for words.

Most women would take this personally. After all, it was a vulnerable thing to ask. And then he just looks at you with this dumb look. Not good.

You need to know that he isn’t intentionally being rude or evasive. He REALLY doesn’t know how to answer this “feeling” question.

If you want to hear how a man “feels” about you, you need to say, “What do you THINK about me?” THAT he can answer. It will get him to tell you a WHOLE BUNCH of stuff like…

“I think you’re great!”

“I think are so cool!”

“I think you’re awesome to hang out with!”

“I think that you’re so smart.”

“I think you’re so talented!”

“I think you’re really beautiful!”

“I think you’re hot!”

“Thinking” is something he does. “Feeling”? Not so much.

#3. “We Need to Talk”

Do not EVER tell a man, ‘We need to talk.”

You know what happens in his brain when he hears this? “Oh, my god. I’m going to get a lecture. I did something wrong. What did I do? How do I get out of this?” That statement is really, really, REALLY off putting to men. They will do everything they can to avoid that conversation because they’re afraid they did something wrong. They think they’re going to get lectured. And again, it’s going to feel emasculating to them.

If you really do need to talk to a guy about something, here’s the best trick. You should say, “Hey, you know what? There’s something you could really help me with.” Say this, and his ears will prick up. He will be so excited. Why? Because a man who likes you will want to help you because he wants to do what he can to make you happy.

I know I said I would give you three tips, but here’s a fourth one I just thought. The difference is that, rather than being something you shouldn’t SAY to a man, this is something you shouldn’t DO:

#4. Never get angry with a man.

And this is why. When two men get angry at each other, what do they do? They fight. But when a woman gets angry at a man, it puts him in a bad position. Here’s what happens:

Men are hardwired to be protectors. When they feel they’re in danger, their testosterone level shoots up and this makes them feel aggressive.

So, even if you’re right about what you’re saying, he can’t respond because his testosterone level skyrockets, leaving him with only two choices. He can either suppress his anger or get angry in return. Either way, he can’t hear anything you’re saying.

Getting angry with a man, no matter how angry you feel, isn’t going to work. It’s just not effective because, again, it’s emasculating to a man. There’s literally nothing productive he can do in that situation.

So, the next time you’re upset, try taking a timeout. You can do some self-soothing – take a walk or a bath, go to the gym – and then when you’re calm, you can go to him and say, “Hey, there’s something you could really help me with. When you didn’t call me the other night to set up our date, I felt like you really didn’t care and that you really weren’t into me, and so I made other plans.”

Getting angry, telling a man he’s inconsiderate or a jerk, none of that is going bring the two of you closer. In order for you to remain close, you need to stop saying: I’m disappointed, how do you feel about me, and we need to talk. And don’t get angry with him!

I know this might just sound like MORE stuff YOU need to change. It might even seem you’re giving something up, but, truthfully, you’re not – you’re GAINING something. You want your relationships, your communication, and your interactions with men to be effective. That’s why following this advice is crucial.

Great communication is about bringing two people closer together. If changing a word here and there or taking a timeout until your anger subsides and you can express your feelings rationally is going to help matters, why wouldn’t you do it? Your man will feel more respected, and you’ll feel more in control of your emotions. Trust me, this advice will work wonders on your relationship and your connection will only deepen.

XO,

How to Find Unconditional Love

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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. -Robert Frost. “

You’ve read the books, listened to a number of podcasts, and attended workshops, all in the name of searching for true love. And not just true love but unconditional love. The love you’ve been waiting for your whole life.  But for some reason you can’t find it.

Maybe you don’t think finding unconditional love is possible. Maybe you think it doesn’t really exist.

The “Less-Traveled” Road

Well, let me tell you: it does. And I know this to be true because I have it. I’m married to a man who gives me unconditional love everyday. But it wasn’t something that fell into my life. Like the quote above, in order to find my unconditional love, I had to go on the road less traveled.

The road less traveled meant that in order for me to find someone who was going to love me unconditionally, I would have to first learn how to love him unconditionally. So off I went on my untraveled road, which had me going on nearly 100 first dates. I went on 96 dates with 96 different men, and at the end of each date, I would sit back and I would ask myself, “Can I love this man unconditionally? Can I accept him exactly the way he is?” And if the answer that came back to me was no, then I knew it wasn’t a match, and I moved on.

Finding a True ‘Hell Yes!’  

They weren’t horrible dates. Many of those men were lovely people. But I wanted, as one of my client says, a true hell yes. I didn’t want an okay or a maybe. And so, I was willing to go on as many dates as I had to. I was willing to go down that road less traveled and keep saying no, and no, and no, until I felt that one true hell yes. Until I met my true and unconditional love.

So when Benjamin sat down in front of me, I got that feeling. I knew that this man was different, that this man was extraordinary. I didn’t know how our lives were going to fit together, I had no roadmap for this —  it was the road less traveled. There was nothing about it that felt familiar. There was nothing about him that felt familiar. I was wise enough by then to know that that was a really good thing. Because what had been familiar to me in the past hadn’t worked. It hadn’t been the right person. It hadn’t been Benjamin.

I looked at him and I knew. I just knew in my heart of hearts, in the depths of my soul, that this man was extraordinary, and that I could trust him. That there was something special here. That this was the road I wanted to go down, even though I didn’t have a precedent or a map for it.

Sixteen years later I’m happier and more fulfilled than when we first met. I love him more. The sex is better, our conversations are even deeper, the connection is profound. I trusted my gut, and the untraveled road led me to him.

Do You Have the Courage to Travel an Unfamiliar Path?

This is what I want for you. I want you to go down that road less traveled. I want you to listen to yourself and to your inner wisdom. I want you to give yourself permission to pass on some people who may not be right for you, and not agonize over this. It’s okay if you pass on a few really good men. You can still date and meet some wonderful people. And if they’re not right, they’re not right. That’s okay. You’ll meet somebody, he’s out there. You have to trust your inner knowing. You want that Hell Yes! And when I say hell yes, I don’t mean that it’s going to be fireworks and butterflies. It’s a different kind of feeling. I want you to know that it’s not over the top. It’s not some, “Oh, my God, I met him.” It’s a knowing inside of you that this is right, that we’re meant to be together. That there’s something different here. It won’t feel like anything you’ve ever felt before.

Because you deserve to experience that, and I know that it’s out there for you. I know it because I’m living it everyday. I see how much Benjamin loves me and how much he sees who I am as a person. That all came from me being willing to love and accept him exactly the way he is. It’s been an extraordinary journey going down that road less traveled. And when I did, I found Benjamin and I found unconditional love. This is what I want for you.

That’s why I’ve created a beautiful webinar called “How to Conquer the Dating world in Five Simple Steps and Attract a Man who will Cherish You, Adore you and Love You Forever… even if you’ve never been in a successful relationship.” This is my gift to you. Please sign up. Your unconditional love is out there waiting for him to find you.

XO,

3 Questions to Ask Before a Date

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In a recent coaching session, my client, Alexa, asked a question that I’m sure every woman who’s dating has contemplated at one time or another.  Alexa is a young mother with a beautiful baby boy. Here’s what she said: “Lisa, I’m really having a real dilemma because I realized that I don’t want to take time away from my son if it’s not for a really good reason. If I go on a bad date, I get bummed out. I’d much rather stay at home with my little guy. It’s making me feel burned out with dating.  Is there a way to vet these guys before I go out with them?”

I’m sure most of you can relate to her dilemma. Whether you’re a single mother yourself or a busy professional, your time is precious. I mean, who wants to go out on a bunch of dates that wind up going nowhere, especially if you could have prevented it. You need to be able to suss them out first, right?

A few things emerged from that coaching session that I thought you… and, really, any woman in the dating world should know.

#1 Get Him On the Phone and REALLY Listen to His Tone of Voice  

So first things first.  You know that thing you hold in your hand much of the day?  It’s called a smartPHONE for a reason. I know a lot of you don’t like actually using it to talk to people, but when it comes to dating, you are making a HUGE mistake by not speaking to a man before you meet him, even if it’s just for a few minutes.  

Why do you want to do this? Because you need to hear his tone of voice. Does he sound up or down? Happy or depressed? It is extremely important that you listen to the way he ends his sentences. When someone is depressed or negative, his voice will go down at the end of a sentence.  If someone is happy and positive, his voice will go up at the end of a sentence. When you hear a man’s voice, you are able to get a sense of his energy and vibe right away, and if you don’t like it?  Don’t go out with him.

I decided not to go out with several guys because I didn’t like the tone of their voice and I thought they sounded negative. I remember one guy who asked me how my dating was going and then proceeded to tell me HIS bad dating stories.  I finally interrupted him using my favorite line, “Can I pause you for a second?”  And then I said, “I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time, but you just don’t sound very optimistic about dating and I don’t think it would work with us.”  

He was shocked and said, “So you’re not going to go out with me?”  

I kept my tone light, but I said, “No.  I’m not, but I wish you all the best.” Another bullet dodged!

#2 Vetting Questions

Okay, so you talked to him. His voice and his energy didn’t turn you off. Now what? I suggested to Alexa that she come up with three questions she could use to sum up a man quickly.  These questions should be based on her interests or values.

Part 1:  Interests  

You an your future partner will be spending much of your free time together, so you want this person to be your ultimate playmate.  After all, you are going to be spending a lot of playing together. I’ve coached many couples who didn’t have shared interests and struggled to find fun things to do together.  This created a lot of stress on their relationship.

With that in mind, I asked Alexa to think about her personal likes and dislikes, the things she loves and hates to do so she could quickly determine whether their interests line up.    

For example, you might say to a guy, “Hey, if we were going to go away for a weekend, would you rather just throw some stuff together, pack up our car and go camping or would you like to go wine tasting in Los Olivos?” You want to chose something you love to do and something you could never see yourself doing.  So, if you like doing things like going wine tasting for the weekend and he picked that option, you might go on a date with him. But if he jumped on that camping idea, no way.

Personally, I’m not into sports.  I would not be interested in going on a date with a guy to watch a football game or a baseball game. It will never be and has never been how I want to spend my time.  So, I would say to a guy, “Hey, imagine it’s Sunday afternoon. Would you prefer to catch a Clippers game or go out and have cocktails by the beach?” I’m more of a “cocktails by the beach kind of gal” than the type of person who goes to watch a sporting event of any kind. It’s just not going to happen.  

If a guy is into sports, he can go do that with his friends.  If he is into sports AND camping, I would feel safe saying we’re not a match.  And it’s not just about the activities themselves. 

Part 2: Values

Another important thing to consider in your vetting process are your core values or fundamental belief.  These are issues or topics or values that define who you are. Maybe it’s something political. A good question would be about choosing church over Sunday brunch. So you might ask him, “Hey, on a Sunday, would you rather go to church or go for brunch?”

If the guy picks brunch and you’re a regular church-goer, you may think, “Well, this guy doesn’t share my same priorities.” And you just saved yourself time from going out on a date with someone who doesn’t share you same values.   

These should all be either/or questions.  Do you prefer option A or option B?

Separating the Studs from the Duds

Alright, it’s your turn.  Go grab a pen and paper or a seat at your computer and create three either/or question based on your interests or core values that you can use to vet your dates.  There’s a reason why you want to have three questions. If a guy is into sports, he can go do that with his friends. If he is into sports AND camping, you would feel safe saying we’re not a match. You are looking for at least two out of three.  Two “yes’s” and you give the guy a chance. Two “no’s” and he’s out!

Now with your three questions, you no longer have to worry about wasting time on another date again!

Warmest regards,

3 DATING HACKS I STOLE FROM MY HUSBAND

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Today, I am going to share three dating profile hacks that I stole from my husband, Benjamin.  He is kind enough to help me write the profiles for the women in my private coaching group. To do this, I first interview the client.  Then, Benjamin reads through my notes. And finally, we write the profile together.

We must be doing something right because our profiles get rave reviews. My clients tell me all the time how much the men love them… and why wouldn’t they?  They’re written with the help of a quality man who knows what he’s talking about!

I’m excited to share these tips with you today.  This is the kind of stuff most people don’t know about.  And these three tips alone can catapult your profile from average to exceptional.  

Okay… are you ready?  Then, let’s do this thing!

Dating Profile Hack #1: Show that you have room in your life for a man

When Benjamin reads over my notes from the client interview, he will often make a comment like,

“She seems like a lovely woman, but she doesn’t appear to have room in her life for a man.  Or, at least her desire for a partner isn’t coming across in the way she talks.”

Now, Benjamin isn’t saying that the woman doesn’t WANT to share her life with a man.  She wouldn’t be coaching with me if that were true. What he’s saying is that, from what she’s saying, it doesn’t SOUND like she has room in her life for a man.

When you write your profile, you want to talk about the wonderful things you have going on in your life.  You want to talk about your fabulous friends, your kids, your job and your trips to the four corners of the earth.  But you don’t want to sound like your life is so full a man would to have to fit between all the things you have going on.  

In your profile, you should have a line that says something like, “Hey, I have this incredible life. I built it this way. And now the one missing piece is the right guy to share it with.”

You also need to consider that the kind of man you want to date already has a full and rich life of HIS own.  Like you, he has a wonderful job, kids, friends, hobbies, responsibilities… and he’s going to want you to be willing to fit into HIS world.  He’ll want you to go to business dinners with him and become a part of his life, as well.

Maybe you’re gonna have to go camping or pick up a sport or take up yoga, if that’s what he’s into. One of my girlfriends was not very athletic but she got into Bikram yoga with her guy because that’s what he was into. Now she loves it!

You’ve got to also show that you’re open to a man. One of my clients put the following into her profile with great success.  She wrote, “If you have hobbies, I would love to explore them with you!” At 60 years old it didn’t take her long to meet a great guy online, and it was all because she was so open.

Dating Profile Hack #2:  Show that you have an edge

After reading my notes, Benjamin often says, “It seems like this woman lacks an edge.” What he means by that is she’s too perfect. She’s nice and sweet and kind… but there’s nothing spontaneous or unpredictable about her. She never lets her guard down. She’s so nice, she’s boring.  

What does an edge sound like?  Here’s what one client said in her profile interview:

“I’ve been trying lots of new foods that I have never tried before. I’m learning to like seafood. I tried my first oyster last week. I like lobster and crab, but an oyster was the most advanced in this field. I tried it!  It was pretty brave. I had to text everybody. People were like, “No way. You tried an oyster?”

Here’s another example of an edge:

“I’m fully capable of being an adult when the situation calls for it, but there is a childlike quality to me that I hope will never die. The beauty of this is that I not only can I dish it out; I can take it… so bring it. I’m a prankster at heart, but I know just how far to take it!”

You want a man to know that you’re not too perfect.  You do this by saying something fun and quirky and out-of-the-box in your profile. This will make you seem a little playful and spontaneous. We’re all looking for a playmate to have fun with.

Remember, the saying isn’t “girls are made of sugar and everything nice.”  It’s “girls are made of sugar and SPICE and everything nice.” So, don’t be afraid to add a little spice to your profile if you want to attract the attention of the best guys!

Dating Profile Hack #3:  Make your profile an invitation, not a presentation

Many women write profiles that read like a resume. “I’ve got this and I’ve got that and I’ve been here and there and everywhere.  I am fluent in 12 languages. I have this degree and that one and another one on the way…”

I get it.  You are an accomplished woman, and you SHOULD be proud of your accomplishments.  But here’s what you need to know. When a man is reading your profile, he’s tuned into one radio station: WIFM, What’s in it For Me?  

You won’t impress him by trying to sell yourself with a list of your accomplishments.  He wants to know what you’re going to do for HIM. He wants to know what it will be like for HIM to be in a relationship with YOU.

So, you can talk about the wonderful things that are going on in your life.  But then you want to say something like, “I’ve been to 20 countries and there’s five more I can’t wait to explore. Care to join me? Or maybe you could pick a place.  I’m open!”

When a man reads an invitation like that, it sounds enticing and adventurous!  

You could also say, “I am very accepting. I would like to be with someone who accepts me the way I am and who I can accept the way he is.”  Something like this would be very attractive to a man.  

Writing a great dating profile is key if you want to attract the right man. This is the first impression he’s gonna have of you, and you only get one chance to make a first impression.

If you don’t sound like you have room for a man in your life, you’re not inviting and your dating profile sounds like a resume, you won’t be interesting to men.  It won’t matter how beautiful you are or how wonderful your life is, they will pass you by. But now you have 3 dating hacks you can use to stop that from happening!

XOXO,

Why You Need to Ask for What You Want In a Relationship

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If You’re Too Afraid to Speak Up for Yourself… you will keep pushing men away

Has a guy ever hurt or disappointed you, but you were too afraid to say something for fear of sounding weak, needy or insecure?  Instead, you pull back, act a little aloof and then wait to see if he senses something is wrong and asks you what’s up.

If you don’t learn how express your feelings, this kind of passive-aggressive behavior will keep pushing good men away.

Here’s what happened to my client, Melanie.  She flew home to spend time with her family in New York after ending a 5-year relationship with a man who was never willing to commit to her.  While she was there, she figured she’d give Bumble a try. She quickly booked two dates for the same day!

The first guy she went out with was so hot that she didn’t think there was any way the second one could compare… but she was wrong!  Jack strode across the restaurant in his faded jeans, cowboy boots, and beat-up leather jacket, and Melanie couldn’t believe her eyes.

She told me that they had the kind of instantaneous connection everyone dreams of having.  Sparks were flying everywhere. It wasn’t long before he was holding her hand, staring into her eyes and they felt like they were the only two people in the room.  Their second date was even more magical.

When Mel flew back to LA, she expected things to fizzle… but they DIDN’T.  Jack texted her every day. He told her he had spoken about her to several of his friends.  They planned a 4-day road trip in December when she was planning to be back in New York for the holidays.  Things couldn’t be going better… or could they?

A couple of her female friends made comments about how they thought it was weird how Jack only texted and never called.  Mel said it didn’t bother her, but a few days later, she mentioned in a text that she would “love to hear his voice.” He never called.   

Mel was really ticked her off because she felt like Jack wasn’t listening to her.  She said it didn’t REALLY matter, but it mattered enough that she brought it up in her coaching session.

This was the point where she first started building up feelings of resentment towards Jack.

It wasn’t long before Jack disappointed her again. He forgot her birthday.  All day long they texted back and forth, but he NEVER MENTIONED it once. When she posted something about it on Instagram, he texted her immediately, but by then the damage was done.  

“He knew” she told me.  “We’d joked about what a coincidence it was that his mother’s birthday was the day after mine.”

Mel thanked him for the birthday wishes over text but said she was exhausted and would reach out the next day.  She was hoping he would notice something was off.

Mel never told Jack she felt hurt because he’d forgotten her birthday, and her resentment deepened.

Then, came the third blow, the one that landed her in my office.  Mel went on Bumble and saw that Jack was still active on the site.  To say that she was devastated is an understatement. But because they’d never talked about being exclusive, she didn’t feel she had a right to say something.

“You have to talk about it at some point,”  I said. I suggested she tell Jack she was on the site and, when she saw that he was active, she realized that she felt uncomfortable knowing he was still seeing other people.   

Mel agreed that she needed to say something, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it. She said she preferred to say something when she went home in January, but that wasn’t for another month. I urged her to discuss it now before more damage was done, but she kept making up excuses for why the timing wasn’t right.  

“Mel, here’s what’s going to happen if you don’t talk about it,” I said. “The longer you let this go on, the more you will shut down and distance yourself from Jack.  He won’t know why, but he’ll sense that something’s up. Maybe he’ll bring it up, maybe he won’t. But this is the kind of passive-aggressive behavior that pushes men away.  I’ve seen it happen many times.”

“You’re right,” she said. “That’s already happening.  Intellectually I understand that he’s done nothing wrong, but I still feel hurt and angry and I am pulling away.”

When Mel left my office, she said that she would book another appointment so I could help her write a text to Jack, but I haven’t heard from her since.  

I don’t know for sure what happened.  What I do know is that, if Mel doesn’t start to express her feelings and ask for what she wants, she is never going to have a safe, loving, connected relationship with a man.  Even if Jack did stick around and play into her behavior, which I hope he didn’t, Mel would eventually lose respect him because she would know she could manipulate him into giving her what she wants.  

You don’t want to be like Mel.  You can’t make a big deal out of every little thing that goes wrong, you do want to start to find opportunities to express your feelings and needs to a man you’re dating. There is an art to doing this in a way that can bring the two of you closer.  You want to speak from love and with the intention of bringing the two of you closer together. You need to make requests and not give ultimatums.

In Mel’s case, instead of saying, “I need you to get off Bumble.  I’m not comfortable with you seeing other women.” She needs to say, “Would you be willing to getting off Bumble and stop seeing other women?”  This way, she will open up a dialogue, instead a monologue. Also, by making her request in the form of a question, she’s not telling Jack what to do she’s asking him what he would like to do.

Melanie is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and my guess is that Jack would agree to her request.  But if he doesn’t, he’s not the right guy. And you know what? She already invested 5 years in the last one. So, it would be better to find that out sooner than later.

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

XO,

To All the Strong Women

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I had many TURNING POINTS in my dating. One of the most significant was when I started to look at my STRENGTH.

Like many women today, I PRIDED myself on being a “STRONG AND INDEPENDENT,” too strong for many if not MOST men.

When I was 8 years old, I saw my father CRUSH my mother’s spirit when he left her for another woman.

Five years later, when my mother was DYING of breast cancer, she tried to share as much of her WISDOM with me as possible. The one thing I remember most was when she WARNED ME: “Never let a man do to you what your father did to me.” I was only 13 at the time and I STRUGGLED to put her advice in perspective.

For many years after that, I SWORE I wouldn’t wind up like my mother—left to fend for herself with two small children.

To me, it seemed like MOST women were WEAK and insipid, and I refused to DUMB myself down or PANDER to a man. I told myself anything a man could do I could do.

Since the BIRTH CONTROL PILL had been approved the year before I was born and ABORTION was legalized by the Supreme Court in 1973, I was among the first generation of women who had FULL CONTROL over their own bodies. I felt like I was free to do whatever I wanted without apology or SHAME, including act like a man.

When I set out to date again at 39, I admitted TO MYSELF that something wasn’t working with men and me. They still didn’t find me attractive, even though I had reduced myself from a size 14 to a shapely size 8. I also had done a GREAT DEAL of inner personal work. I liked myself. I had developed a POSITIVE MINDSET. I had wonderful friends and an AWESOME Dog. I thought I was PRETTY COOL… but men weren’t buying it.

At the time, I was part of an amazing SPIRITUAL GROUP spearheaded by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of ‘The Four Agreements.’ One day, Miguel brought me in front of the group and said, “This is a WOMAN OF POWER.” He didn’t say, “This is a powerful woman.” He said, “This is a woman of power.”

Miguel’s words rang in my ear for a long time. He’s a shaman, and he sees people’s TRUE NATURE. At the time, I didn’t know what to make of what he said, but I knew it was IMPORTANT.

On another occasion, he told me privately, “You are a woman of power and you FRIGHTEN MEN.” I was stunned. I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “Thanks, Miguel. What I am supposed to do with THAT?”

I could have used his words to feed my ego, but I didn’t because the last thing I wanted to do was frighten men. I wanted them to feel SAFE and be ATTRACTED to me.

Miguel’s words led me to question many of my beliefs about who I was. I realized that being powerful meant nothing if I was allowing that power to WORK AGAINST me and PUSH men away.

I’ve come to realize that we all have SUPERPOWERS. One of mine IS strength. I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried. It’s who I am at my CORE.

But just like all those kids in the Marvel movies, the ones they send to that school run by Patrick Stewart if I didn’t learn how to harness that power and use it wisely and judiciously, I was going to keep BLOWING things up and PUSHING men away.

I knew the time had come for me to ACCEPT the fact that I am, in fact, woman. This was a HUGE SHIFT in my consciousness, it opened up a whole new world of DISCOVERY and POSSIBILITY. I was finally able to see that I wasn’t attracting the kind of man I wanted because THAT MAN would have been attracted to a WOMAN, not a man in a woman’s body.

Ironically, the more I embraced this ESSENTIAL part of myself, the more attractive I became and the more GENUINELY EMPOWERED I felt with men.

I realized that I had never wanted to be HARD on or GUARDED with them. When I was honest with myself, I admitted that all my life I had longed for a man to PROTECT and take care of me. I guess I just hadn’t been ready to let down my guard so a man could do that for me.  I was finally learning to be emotionally naked, and I can show YOU how I started this process in my free online workshop.

Of course, I can do those things for myself, but I can feel that I am most BEAUTIFUL when my GUARD is completely down and I can be that sweet, innocent little girl who never felt SAFE enough to come out and play… until now.

For so much of my life, I’d used my STRENGTH and independence as a way of staying SAFE because I really didn’t understand what it meant to be a woman OR a man.

I now know that EVERY woman and EVERY man has to find his or her NATURAL frequency. If you’re heterosexual, bisexual, transgendered or gay, you have to be willing to EMBRACE who you truly are. You can’t go against your TRUE NATURE.

I AM a woman of power, but it doesn’t serve me to use that power to frighten men.

I still don’t suffer fools lightly. I never have and I never will. Players and misogynists INSTINCTIVELY know to leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if I wear some kind of an invisible sign that reads, “Don’t even bother…”

But now, I can honestly say that I am VERY PROUD to be a woman and I know how to use my STRENGTH in a feminine way to make a man feel SAFE and like he’s my KING. Just ask my husband if you don’t believe me.

XO,

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