You wouldn’t believe some of the silly mistakes I see my clients make when online dating. Or, maybe you would. Maybe you’re making some of these same errors yourself. Most single women are scared that they’ll never find true love and that they’ll wind up alone. My biggest fear was that I would find myself single with chin hairs and a houseful of cats at 80. The thing I don’t get is that, despite their fear of winding up alone, when I sit down at the computer to review online profiles with most clients I see them reject one good man after another for what believe are silly reasons. Below are some of the key mistakes I see my female clients are making.
1. Eliminating men on unreasonable height requirements: I understand that we all have our preferences, but if you are a 5’4″ tall woman who likes to date super tall men: good luck. No matter how physically attractive you are, you are shooting yourself in the foot because you are competing for the same men that every other woman is going for. There are tons of wonderful shorter men who get overlooked because so many women are fixated on height. My husband was 2 1/2 inches taller than me. With age that difference is growing smaller. Who cares? I’m married to a wonderful man who adores me. I will always look up to him. In my eyes he is every inch a man. Next time you are searching through profiles, set the minimum requirement at your height plus 2 inches. You can search as high as you want, just start lower. You need to get over the height thing or you might wind up alone.
2. Basing too much on the photos: Tattoo this on your brain: You cannot put too much weight on the photos. Some will look better in person than they do in their photos and some will look worse. You need to keep an open mind. Also, while you don’t want to go into a relationship thinking you will change someone, many have never had the influence of a good woman to help them create a sense of style and they would welcome some input. You have to feel them out. I had a girlfriend who did a makeover on her boyfriend (who she later married). When they met I thought he was a bit of a slob, but by the time she was done with him, she had transformed him into a good looking man.
3. Failing to be generous with men when they reach out: Very often a man will send an email that says, “Hey!” or “What’s up?” Or, they might write “Hi. I read your profile and think we might have a lot in common. Email me if you like my profile.” Many of my clients won’t respond to these emails because they are so generic unless they find a guy really cute. Then all bets are off. It’s sad, but, the more attractive someone is, the more we let them get away with. While these emails aren’t very inventive, you need to look at it from a man’s point-of-view. It’s intimidating to be the one to break the ice with a beautiful woman. And who isn’t afraid of rejection? It doesn’t hurt to be a little more compassionate with these men and cut them some slack. Next time a man writes a simple “Hi!” in an email to you, try being more playful and generous in return. He took a risk and got the ball rolling. You can throw it back. You might write something like, “Hey, you gotta do better than that to get my attention!” Or, you could say, “Thanks for reaching out…” and then mention a couple of things from his profile that you have in common. One of my clients simply wrote, “Type,” in response to a generic email she’d received. It worked.
4. Not responding to a man’s email if he fails to ask a question in his email: I had three clients come in one day who had all stopped emailing with men who had responded to their emails without asking them a question about themselves. It was a shame because the men had actually taken the time to write very thoughtful responses to each of these women. When I thought about why they’d given these guys the ax, I realized that the women wanted the guys to ask questions so they would know what to write back. The thing is that men often don’t ask questions. It’s not how men communicate with each other. Women think that asking questions is the way to get to know someone. Men usually don’t ask questions with each other because they don’t want to pry. So, the next time a man doesn’t ask a question in his email to you, you can simply write back and say “Ask me some questions and I’ll tell you no lies J” or you can play off something they said in their email and apply it to yourself. “You mentioned you went hiking this weekend; I take dogs hiking every Saturday. Care to join us?”
5. Not initiating correspondence to the men you find attractive: Think of online dating as a virtual singles party. At a party, you would never know who was checking whom out first. You might spot some cute guy across the room and, the minute he looks at you, you look away. You’ll know who was checking out whom first. In 2014, it is perfectly acceptable in the online dating world for a woman to let a man know that she noticed him. And it’s a mistake not to. I was at a party a few years ago where I met two different couples who had both met online—and both of the husbands bragged that their wives were the ones that made the first contact! These were all people in their 40s. So, get over old-fashioned idea it’s not okay to let a man know you’re interested, and start emailing some guys that you’re attracted to. If you go for what you really want, you will have a much better chance of getting it!