Do I Really Have to Look for Love?

Do I Really Have to Look for Love?

Do I Really Have to Look for Love?

Do I Really Have to Look for Love?

Is it possible to meet someone in the course of your life, fall in love, and live happily after? Sure! It’s also possible to win the lottery, but I wouldn’t bet my retirement on it :-) Many people choose to leave their love lives to chance, but especially if having a family is important to you, I would do whatever it takes to make finding love a priority.

In the thirteen years I’ve been a dating and relationship coach, I’ve seen hundreds of attractive, successful clients who went about their lives, focused on their careers, believed that love would find them when the time was right. Then, in their late 30’s or early 40’s, they wake up and think, “WTF am I doing with my life? I’m almost 40, I have a cool career and a condo, but I’m not married and I don’t have kids, so what’s it all for?” I am not telling you that having a family is the end all be all, but I also don’t think that being alone is a life goal for most people either. The majority of the people I’ve met want marriage and children and lasting love.. and if that’s what you want, you need to get out there and make it happen.

I know some of you have read tons of stuff and heard lot of people say that love finds you when you stop looking for it. This isn’t exactly true. Love doesn’t find you when you stop looking looking for it. It finds you when you’re no longer anxious and desperate and you stop thinking that someone else can fill you up and make you whole. Love comes to you when you stop trying to get someone to love you and you start receiving the love that surrounds you. The antidote to trying too hard is not to stop trying. These are opposite sides of the same coin. The antidote to chasing love is to stop and draw it to you, to attract

My client, Jenny, is a perfect example of what can happen if you leave love to chance. She’s gorgeous—tall and slim with turquoise eyes and thick auburn hair that falls to the middle of her back. She’s also got a wicked sense of humor and an infectious laugh that drive men wild. You’d think that she’d have an endless supply of dates… and for most of her life she did. But between long hours at work, occasional dinners with friends, and her yoga and fitness classes, she began accepting fewer and fewer dates. Now she’s close to 40, and she’s not getting nearly as many offers, and she’s certainly not getting offers from the kind of men she would interested in. Most of the guys who ask her out now are at least eight to ten years older. She also gets hit on by much younger guys. She even dated one, but just like Ashton Kutcher, he left her for a younger woman who could have his babies.






When I asked her to tell me about her past relationships, she became very introspective: “I knew at the time I was with most of those guys that none of them were husband material, but I wasn’t in a hurry to get married. I guess I just figured that one of them would eventually turn out to be my soul mate. I just don’t get it.”

Jenny told me that she was worried that something was wrong with her. When she reflected on her past relationships, she remembered being jealous and insecure. “I thought I’d outgrow these behaviors,” she sighed.  “but last year I dated a man I really liked for two months ended the relationship when I started getting jealous over one of his female friends from law school. He told me that he was too old to play games and he refused to break off a valuable friendship. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew he was right. I was behaving like a spoiled brat.”

You might think that with time and age you will know yourself better and you will eventually attract the right person. As logical as this sounds, it isn’t always true. If you want to identify and break the emotional patterns that are preventing you from getting close to someone in a relationship, you might need to do some work on yourself. If you don’t deal with your fears and insecurities, they will keep following you from relationship to relationship. This is what is referred to as baggage—and we all have it!

We’re all afraid to fall in love for fear of getting rejected. Dating affords us an opportunity to meet a lot of different people so that we can work through the fears that are blocking us from having true intimacy.

I know dating isn’t always fun, but with the help of these emails and my one-on-one coaching sessions, I can show you how to use the dating process to break through your emotional blocks and find true love. Having a coach can help give you the tools and skills to date differently. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If you want something to change you have to make changes. Let me help you stop spinning your wheels and start moving toward the love and relationship of your dreams!


How You Could Be Turning Internet Dating from a Blessing into a Curse

How You Could be Turning Internet Dating from a Blessing into a Curse How You Could Be Turning Internet Dating from a Blessing into a Curse

Have you ever thought about how you could be turning Internet dating from a blessing into a curse? Last night at Thanksgiving dinner, I found myself engaged in several frustrating conversations about Internet dating. Not one person I spoke to had much of anything positive to say about their experience with it. While I didn’t hear anything I haven’t heard hundreds of times before, I left the party feeling sad about what a bad rap Internet dating gets.

Before I go any further, I need to confess that I am a HUGE fan of Internet dating. This isn’t just because I met the love of my life on JDate thirteen years ago. There are many reasons why I think it’s a blessing. Before I elaborate on the positives, I need to say that I am exasperated when I hear people moan about being single one minute and then berate Internet dating the next.

When I found myself single at 39, I was willing to do anything to get dates. So, for me, Internet dating was the best thing that ever happened. For the first time in my life, I was able to get lots of dates with all different kinds of men. I went out with a doctor, a lawyer, a yoga instructor, a writer, etc. Nothing about this journey was easy for me… but didn’t expect it to be. It took two years and I went out on nearly 100 first dates before I finally found Benjamin, but it was worth everything I did to find him!

Let’s face it: most people aren’t very mature when it comes to matters of the heart. For some reason, we want finding the right partner to be effortless, like it is in the movies. I am glad I figured out that this was a bunch of hooey. I realized that finding the right partner takes time, effort, and a willingness to face disappointments and heartbreak along the way. Unfortunately, most of the heartache we experience while dating is because take so much of it personally. We get upset at the tiniest hint of rejection. To make matters worse, the Internet dating puts us in touch with so many people that it’s like dating on steroids. Online dating isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s very provocative and, if you give up too easily, it ain’t gonna work. To date online you need to be resilient and you have to really be committed to doing whatever it takes to find true love.

When I posted my first online dating profile, I told myself that I was going to give my all and that quitting wasn’t an option. I truly believed that there was someone out there for me and I swore that I would not quit until I found him.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that the Internet is the only way to meet someone. I think you should use every possible avenue you can find to connect with other available singles. Having said that, if you’re serious about finding a partner sooner than later, I think it’s a huge mistake not to include Internet dating as part of your plan.

Last night I was in with a new crowd, so when people went off on Internet dating, I had to bite my tongue pretty hard to stop from saying something I would regret. Here are a few of the comments they made along with the responses I would have wanted to give.

Guest: I didn’t have one good experience with online dating!

What I would like to have said: People can be disappointing, whether you meet them online or offline. But there are good people out there, too. You just have to know how to spot them. I don’t know if you’re choosing the wrong ones or if there’s something else you’re doing that isn’t working, but you’re the common denominator in all the dates you went on. You might need to work with a dating coach to find out what’s really going on. Look, blaming Internet dating is not the answer and it isn’t going to solve the real problem.

Guest: I know it works for other people, but Internet dating didn’t work for me!

What I would like to have said: So, how long were you online and how many dates did you go out on? I ask this because, normally, when people tell me that online dating didn’t work for them, I find out that they didn’t really give it a chance. If you try one of those free weekends, or even if you’re on for a few months but don’t go on many dates, you aren’t really giving it chance. You might not want to hear this, but I know people who dated online for years before meeting the right partner. It can take time, but if you hang in there, it works. In fact, online dating is now the third most popular way people meet today. I would think anyone who really wants a partner and hears that statistic would get online and stay online.

Maybe online dating didn’t work for you because you didn’t have an engaging profile or pretty pictures. You need to have someone, preferably a professional dating coach, look at them and give you feedback. Most people can’t write their own profiles. When I write a profile, I spend an hour interviewing a client and then it takes me a good two hours to write something engaging and unique in the client’s own voice. I also do their pictures. I was a professional fashion photographer for fifteen years so I know how to make people look natural and not posed in front of the camera. This kind of photography is called lifestyle photography. I get people moving and laughing for the camera. I make them look beautiful, but I also capture their personality. If you seriously want to be successful at online dating, you must get good professional photos done. It’s the best investment you will ever make!

Guest: I got lots of responses, but I could never get people to go from emailing to a date so I gave up.

What I would like to have said: There are lots of reasons why this happens. You can’t get caught up in trying to make sense of it. There are so many people online and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with emails and forget about someone you’re communicating with. I’m sure you’ve done the same thing. If there’s someone you’re really interested in meeting, you need to put it out there that you’d like to meet, and you need to do this quickly—strike while the iron’s hot!

Let’s say you’ve been emailing for a couple of days with someone you really like. Just write this person and say, “Would you be open to taking this connection off-line and talking on the phone or even meeting for coffee or a drink?” If you’ve been emailing with someone and they drop off your radar, don’t be afraid to reach out and see if he still wants to meet. You get one chance to poke someone. So, send a light, playful message: “Hey, what happened? Abducted by aliens? Kidnapped by pigmies? Joined the circus? Inquiring minds want to know!” See if you can get them back in the conversation, then, when you get a response, suggest meeting.

I know a lot of people say that, as a woman, you’re not supposed to suggest a date. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. I assure you, if a guy is interested in getting to know you, he will be happy you took the initiative. If Charlize Theron asked some guy to go get a drink, I don’t think there’s a man on the planet who would say, “You know, Charlize, I was going to ask you out, but now I can’t go out with you because, when a woman asks me out, it’s a real turn-off.”

Guest: All the men who contacted me were in their seventies!

What I would have like to have said: One of the hardest things about waiting too long to seriously search for a partner is that, as we age, we become less attractive to one another. When you’re in your 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s, people who are up to 10 years older still look pretty good. But when you’re 50 and you’re getting messages from 60 or 70-year-olds, it’s a whole different ballgame. The problem is that many men want to date women who are at least 10 years younger. Women today also want to date younger men. But here’s the rub: technically, a woman can have sex with anyone, but a man needs to get an erection to have sex. There are younger men who are completely content being with older women. I am very good friends with a couple where the woman is ten years older than the man, and they adore each other… but they’re not the norm. The truth is that, as men age, they have a harder time getting hard, and they are drawn to the younger women who can turn them on. This isn’t because they’re immature. It’s biological. My best advice to women who are dating online is to increase their age range to at least ten year older then they are. Benjamin is nine years older than me, and at 64, I think he’s as hot as the day I met him.

Whether you’re dating online or offline, it’s tough. Dating brings up all kinds of challenges that we don’t want to face. If nothing else, online dating affords people the opportunity to meet many more prospective partners than they ever would have met socially. I know it is easy to see Internet dating as a curse, but I for me, it was one of life’s greatest blessings.

You don’t need to struggle with online dating. I have helped hundreds of clients navigate the cyber dating world and I can help you, too. To book a complimentary consult and see if coaching works for you, click here:

How You Could be Turning Internet Dating from a Blessing into a Curse

The One Thing You Must Know to Make Your Marriage Last

The One Thing You Must Know to Make Your Marriage Last

The One Thing You Must Know to Make Your Marriage Last

The one thing you must know to make your marriage last is how to stop fighting over petty things and take the higher road. It’s so painful when I sit and listen to the couples I coach going round in circles, fighting over the smallest things. I can see this takes a tremendous emotional toll on their individual self esteem and on the relationship.

Couples who are able to choose their battles wisely and frequently take the higher road experience what psychiatrists call Positive Sentiment Override. Even when they have a misunderstanding, these couples are quick to override their negative thoughts with positive ones and give their partner the benefit of the doubt. Most couples are in a state of Positive Sentiment Override when they first meet. But when disappointments mount and issues don’t get resolved, many couples find themselves falling into a state of Negative Sentiment Override. This is where everything their partner says or does—whether negative or positive—seems suspicious.

Some people have a hard time believing what I am about to say, but for the past thirteen years, my husband and I have been in an almost perpetual state of Positive Sentiment Override. This isn’t blind luck. Both Benjamin and I had been in very difficult marriages in the past and we wanted to learn from our mistakes. So, we each did a great deal of therapy and other self-improvement courses before we met.

Some of the most powerful work I did was when I participated for several years in an intimate, transformational group with Don Miguel Ruiz, author of “The Four Agreements.” (If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it.) When I first met Miguel, I was a member of the walking wounded—guarded, sensitive, and hyper-vigilant. While I resonated with all four agreements, the one that changed my life was “Don’t take anything personally.” This agreement was my e-ticket to a killer relationship. For months on end, I focused on mastering this one skill. Every time someone said or did something that upset me, I would remind myself not to take it personally. If I found that I couldn’t just let an issue go, I would ask myself the following series of questions:


1. What is getting triggered in me?

(fear, insecurity, anger, feeling helpless…)

2. How am I using this situation against myself to make myself a victim?

(When my husband came home and went straight over to pet the dog before kissing me, I told myself that I don’t mater to him.) 

3. What fears or insecurities are coming up for me?

(I have been struggling to take off the 10 lbs. I put on over the holidays.  I am afraid he won’t be attracted to me if I don’t lose it.)  

4. What is it that I want from this person?

(I want my husband to tell me it’s okay, that he loves me no matter what. I want him to make me feel safe and secure.) 

5. Can I do something for myself instead?

(I can make sure I look my best. I haven’t been taking care of myself because I’ve been feeling so down. I could get some new clothes, have my hair done…)

I asked myself these questions whenever something someone else said or did upset me. Eventually, I was able to manage my own reactivity and stop making everything about me. The next time your partner “makes” you mad, try asking yourself these five questions. This simple process can help you start taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions so that you can stop taking things personally.   Try it! It really works! These days, my husband teases me and says, “You do ‘Don’t take things personally’ better than Don Miguel!” I don’t know if this is true, but I like the sound of it :-) What I do know is that Benjamin and I cut each other a lot of slack and we almost never fight over petty details. When it seems like he’s annoyed or frustrated with me, I remind myself not to take it personally.

I tell myself that Benjamin loves me and he’s just tired or hungry or anxious about something at work… which is usually the truth. I also trust that, if he’s really upset with me about something, he’ll tell me.

You might think you’re doing everything in your power to take the higher road and let things go, but your partner is continuing to pick fights. If this is the case, you might need to seek out the help of a professional coach to help you communicate better. When I coach couples, I often find that one partner thinks she’s giving the other partner kind and loving feedback, but I can hear the subtle—or not so subtle—ways in which she’s being condescending or critical. Recognizing these behaviors in ourselves can be challenging because we’re too close to the situation.

It’s a given that, when two people live in close proximity, they are bound to get on each other’s nerves from time to time. So, if you want a harmonious, everlasting relationship you need to become a positive spin-doctor, let the small things roll off your shoulders, and take responsibility for your own emotional reactions. If you can choose your battles wisely and take the higher road whenever possible, you will be taking a huge step towards making your love last a lifetime!


If you are struggling with a partner please feel free to set up a complimentary couples consultation to see how I can help you. There no reason for you to keep hurting each other. I can give you tried and true techniques to help you listen and communicate in a whole new way! Click here to schedule an appointment:

One This You must Know to Make Your Marriage Last

Adventure, Mission & Romance Interview Series

Adventure. Mission, & Romance

Adventure, Mission & Romance Interview Series

In my latest interview for an online summit called Adventure, Mission & Romance, interviewer and summit organizer, Julie Landi, talks with me about my own dating journey and the philosophy behind my upcoming book, Naked Dating®.  I discuss the many challenges I had to overcome and the 100 first dates I had to endure before finding the love of my life. Julie did an excellent job interviewing me!  You won’t want to miss this!

If you’d like to join me, click here to access your free spot:

As my personal gift to those who participate in the summit, I have created a free PDF called “Naked Dating’s® 6 Secrets for Everlasting Love”


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