Asking for What You Want in Relationships

Asking for What You Want in Relationships

Asking for what you want in relationships is the only way to get what you need!

Asking for What You Want in Relationships

Do you have trouble asking for what you want in relationships? Lots of women do. Part of what makes asking for what you want in relationships so hard is that well-meaning friends, Hollywood gossip columns, blogs by other disillusioned daters, etc. tell us not to speak up for ourselves and to wait for men to make all the moves.

Are you being needy if you ask a man about the future of your relationship?

Maybe you’ve read that asking for what you want in relationships will make a man think you’re pushy or needy. I’ve coached many women who wasted months or even years in the wrong relationships because they took this advice to heart. They really believed that asking a man to discuss the future of their relationship would push him away. It saddens me to think that we’ve made such amazing progress as women in so many ways, but that we’re still allowing ourselves to be cast in a passive role when it comes to pursuing relationships with men.

Rachel’s Story

Perhaps you can relate to what my client Rachel is going through. She’s been dating a man named Evan for three months, but she still doesn’t know where their relationship is going… and it’s driving her crazy. Like Rachel, you might have trouble asking for what you want in relationships. The more time that goes by without her talking to Evan about his intentions, the more anxious she feels. Sometimes a week or two passes where she doesn’t see him. During that time she agonizes over whether or not the relationship is really going anywhere. When they finally get together, she feels momentarily better, but it isn’t long before her anxiety sets in again.

When I asked why she hadn’t asked Evan where their relationship is going, she had many seemingly good excuses: he had a big presentation at work, his crazy ex was harassing him, his daughter was going off to college, he moved into a new place, his Chia pet died… there was always something.

I told her that she was 50% of the relationship and she had every right to ask if Evan was thinking about a future with her, but Rachel protested. She said she’d been listening to an audio book by a well-known male dating expert who said, “You have to be careful about asking for what you want in relationships because it makes men feel pressured and pushes them away. Men are hunters by nature. They are hardwired to go out and find what they want. If a real man wants you, he will pursue you.” In other words, she should act like a helpless bystander and let Evan have all the control.

Why it’s dangerous not to speak up

Here’s the deal: many men will take sex and companionship when and where they can get it, especially if a woman is good company and she isn’t asking for more. So, if you don’t speak up, many men will make the assumption that you’re fine with the current arrangement.

Not asking for what you want in relationships can have serious consequences. Rachel is falling in love with Evan and it’s agonizing for her because she doesn’t have a clue if he feels the same way. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Rachel told me that her obsession with the relationship was starting to take over her life and causing her to act out:

  •                             She was becoming snarky with him
  •                             She wasn’t returning his phone calls
  •                             She was withholding sex
  •                             She was starting to drink—a lot
  •                             She was over-sharing with her friends

 

To make matters worse, Rachel was concerned that her behavior would sabotage the relationship. Rachel was embarrassed to admit to me that she was feeling so lost and desperate for answers she had contacted three online psychics. Hundreds of dollars later they all told her not to say anything to Evan and that he would come around on his own within a few months. If you look hard enough, like Rachel, you will keep finding ways to justify not asking for what you want in relationships.

No one wants to face rejection

To be fair, Rachel’s hesitation about talking to Evan wasn’t irrational. It’s easy to buy into the idea that you shouldn’t be asking for what you want in relationships because then you can live on hope and you don’t have to face possible rejection. Rejection is a scary thing. The truth is that many men will stay in a relationship for sex and companionship, especially with a woman who seems uncomplicated and easygoing. Smart women know they need to get clear about what a guy is after early in a relationship, and that means asking the right questions in the right way.

Understanding men is the key to asking for what you want in relationships

There is a way of asking for what you want in relationships without appearing aggressive or demanding. It starts with understanding how men work. Consider these four insights into how most men operate:

  1. Men don’t like being told what to do; they want to come to their own conclusions.
  2. Men don’t like being given ultimatums; they want to have dialogues where they can also express their wants and needs.
  3. Men don’t want women who are doormats; they are looking for women who aren’t afraid to be themselves and ask for what they want.
  4. Men don’t like to be asked how they feel; they want to be asked what they think.

I encourage you to try the following approach when asking for what you want in relationships:

  1. Tell him how you feel
  2. Tell him what you need
  3. Ask what he thinks about what you said

For example, Rachel might say:

  1. “I feel like I’m developing feelings for you and I would like to move forward with our relationship.”
  2. “I would like to spend more time together. I was thinking we could see each other on Tuesdays as well as on Saturdays.”
  3. “What do you think about that?”

I know this may sound easier said than done. Often times we avoid conversations like this because we’re afraid of the answer we’ll receive, but answers can be telling. If Evan doesn’t want to get closer to Rachel, he might respond with something like, “I feel like we’re already spending enough time together.” In this case, Rachel would have to consider whether Evan is really interested in getting closer to her. On the other hand, if Evan wants to get close to Rachel, he will welcome a chance to spend more time with her and be happy she brought it up.

Asking for what you want in relationships can be challenging, but you need to find out if a man is really interested in a future with you or if he’s just getting his needs met. If you follow this simple formula it should open up a dialogue where a man will be able to tell you what he’s really thinking. You might not get the answer you want, but you will get the answer you need.

If you’re having trouble asking for what you want in relationships book a consultation to see if I am the right coach for you.

CLICK HERE to book now:

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BAD DATING ADVICE: Won’t get you the man you want

Following Bad Dating Advice Won’t Attract the Man You Really Want

 

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Recently, I’ve been receiving calls from several highly intelligent, attractive, and independent women who had been following some bad dating advice they’d been reading online and in some popular dating books. They told me they were afraid to initiate contact online, return texts or calls from men, or ask a guy if he wants a relationship. They’d read that such behaviors would be perceived as aggressive and chase men away. These women had been advised to “let the man be the man” and trust that he would pursue them if he was interested. (As a funny aside: I was once putting away the many bags of groceries we had gotten from Whole Foods, my husband call out from the other room: “Babe, I’d help you put the groceries away, but I’m letting you be the woman!”)

Following bad dating advice will make you feel worse!

I could see that this bad dating advice was causing these women to suppress their true emotions and making them feel more anxious and insecure. In fact, they seemed so inhibited and confused that it would be very difficult for them to relax on a date. I can’t imagine the kind of emotionally available men they want to attract being emotionally attracted to them in the state they’re in. What I find troubling is that these women had really bought into this bad dating advice and it wasn’t easy for me to convince them that it wasn’t true.

Are women being encouraged to go backwards?

So, here’s the deal: not only is much of this information antiquated, it is also wrong. The last thing women need is to be told that we should revert to acting helpless to get a man’s attention. It is ludicrous to wait for a man to call or ask us out online. If you want to contact a man, contact him. You have every right to reach out once or twice to let someone know you’re interested. If he doesn’t respond, you need to let it go and move on. No one likes to feel rejected, but men have to deal with it all the time.

Another piece of really bad dating advice is the idea that, if a woman asks a man what he’s looking for in a relationship, he will think she’s being pushy and it will scare him off. Sure, if he’s the wrong guy, he’s only after sex, or the timing is bad, it might scare him away. But if he is a mature man and he’s genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will be open to having a conversation about your relationship so he can get closer to you.

You need to let a man know you’re interested

I never applied any of this bad dating advice when I met my husband. It never even occurred to me that it would chase him away if I showed interest. In fact, after our first date, he went home and took his online dating profile down. He’s told me that that, if I had been following this kind of bad dating advice, he would have be turned off. The truth is that, if a man wants to get to know you, he will be grateful if you meet him halfway. A man wants a woman who is receptive, responsive, and appreciative of what he has to offer. This is the kind of woman a man will marry.

If you listen to bad dating advice and you play hard to get, it will make you seem like you’re unavailable and you’ll actually attract the wrong kind of men; men who are attracted to unavailable women are also unavailable—players, relationship avoidants, commitmentphobes—call them what you will… they will chase you, but they won’t want you when they get you because they really don’t want a relationship. The minute you show interest in having a relationship, they will run for the hills. Been there?

A real man knows what he wants. If he is attracted to you and wants to date you, he will want you to be available and he won’t get scared if you ask to spend more time with him. If you turn him on, he will be excited to spend more time with you. But if you play hard to get and you sit around and wait for a guy to call, he might think you aren’t interested and he will give up.

The Bad Dating Epidemic: A Cautionary Tale

I once met a happily married couple that told me that, because of some bad dating advice, their relationship almost didn’t get off the ground. She had been told not to return a man’s calls. So, when her husband originally left a message asking her out, she never phoned back. Believe it or not, this happens all the time. Months later, they ran into each other at a party. She joked with him about not getting together, and he told her that he thought she wasn’t interested because she never returned his call.

She suddenly became serious, and said, “But I didn’t want you to think I was too aggressive.”

“Huh?” he asked, looking at her like she was speaking a strange foreign language. “You thought I would think you were too aggressive because you returned my call?”

“Well, yeah. I mean men like a chase, right?” she said.

“But you would have been returning my call,” he replied, looking even more confused.

At that moment, this woman realized she had been suffering from a serious case of bad dating advice. Luckily, she got a another chance to set the record straight. Not everyone does. So watch out, bad dating advice is becoming something of an epidemic, and it could kill your chances at a relationship if you’re not careful.

If you want to attract a man who is honest and upfront, you need to be honest and upfront. If you want to date the kind of men you’re attracted to, you need to start initiating contact. If you want to find a man who communicates and isn’t afraid of emotional intimacy, you need to start having emotionally intimate conversations with men.

I am sure many of you cringed when you read that last paragraph, but I will say it again: If you want to find your guy, you need to stop following all this bad dating advice and start going for what you want. A man is either interested in getting to know you or he isn’t. Playing games will only chase the right men away!

Naked Dating and learn how to attract the love of your life!

Book a consultation with me, Lisa Shield, by clicking here:

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PILLOW TALK SUMMIT: Can We Talk-SEX?

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Listen to an Interview with Lisa Shield
at the 2015 Pillow TalkSummit

 

21 “Intimacy Experts” Reveal Their Hidden
Secrets To A Better Love Life… FREE!

Dear Clients,

While I typically don’t send out these emails, I am excited to have been invited to be a guest speaker at the 2015 Pillow Talk Summit: Groundreaking Communications Techniques. Have the Sex You Want Now! Starting June 22nd, this 21 speaker, 11-day event is poised to be the sexual transformational event of the year.

Here’s just a small sampling of what some of these expert speakers will be covering:

• You’ll discover why these 21 experts in sexuality and sexual communication all agree that talking about sex with your partner is the key to fulfilling your own sexual needs and desires

• Learn how to “debunk” the common myths, anxieties, and embarrassment that nearly all modern sexual partnerships suffer through… And… Discover how to use these “awkward moments” to build deeper and more powerful intimacy with your partner

• If you feel sexually “stuck” then you’ll absolutely love the exercises around unpacking your history, connecting with your true desires, and preparing for “the talk” that will help you overcome embarrassment, shame, and anxiety you may feel because of your past, really bring your true self to the conversation, and feel prepared!

This incredible transformational event is being help completely free of charge. That means you will get address to all 21 experts including:

•  Lisa Shield
•  Bryan Reeves
•  Veronica Monet
•  Jonathon Aslay
•  Marni Kynris
•  Dr. John Gray
•  Yalila Espinosa
•  Allena Gabosch
•  Ben Buckingham
•  Jim and Jori Manske
•  Kelly Bryson
•  Michaela Boehm
•  Diana Daffner
•  Dr. Ray Doktor
•  Vena Ramphal
•  Keri Newell
•  Jared Sais
•  Cyndi Olin
•  Dr. Pat Allen
•  Dr. Patti Britton

This incredible transformational event is being offered completely free of charge. That means you will gain access to all 21 experts in sexuality and sexual communication over the course of the 11-day event and you won’t have to spend a dime. As a matter of fact, you won’t even have to get out of your PJs if you don’t want to. (It’s an online summit after all… no dress code required.)

All you have to do is claim your “seat” by clicking on the link below:
http://thepillowtalksummit.com/LisaShield
That’s it! Do that, and you’re in.

Don’t pass up this incredible opportunity to connect with 21 of the world’s leading experts on improving your sex and your life.

I’ll see you there!

Lisa Shield

Online Dating: Getting Back in the Groove

Online Dating: Getting Back Into the Groove

Are you in a slump and need some help getting back into the online dating groove? Here’s the first thing you need to know: after a few months of online dating, it is inevitable to go through a slump and for feelings of futility and frustration to set in. This can feel especially discouraging if you’re doing everything can at your end to meet someone. It’s hard not to feel disheartened when the initial rush of emails you got when you first signed up dies down, your searches for a partner net fewer and fewer prospects, and you start to see the same boring profiles over and over again. But almost everyone goes through this! Even though the novelty of online dating has worn off and you’re no longer the ‘new kid on the block,’ you can’t let it get you down.

Here’s what one client said when her online dating began to slow down: “I really did not know that ‘a slump was inevitable,’ so this is important information. Now that I know this, I can feel more at ease with the process.” She went on to say that, after 25 years away from men, all the attention she got through online dating was intoxicating, and “it was almost a feeling of withdrawal when it all came to a halt!”

The truth is, you might be doing everything right and it’s just be a matter of time—and timing—before you meet someone. It’s entirely possible that, at this very moment, the future love of your life is getting out of a relationship and is planning on posting an online dating profile in the days or weeks to come. You never know. What you need to remember is that, for a romantic connection to happen, two people’s lives have to align. So even if you’re ready to meet your life partner, your future life partner might not be ready to meet you.

It’s also important to remember that, just because it seems like there’s little movement on the online dating front, it doesn’t mean there’s nothing happening. Even if you’re not getting as many emails responses or dates as you’d like, you are always evolving and getting clearer about what you want in a partner and in a relationship.

I have many clients who went on very few dates and still found someone special through online dating. Remember, it only takes one date to change your life forever. If you feel like you should be doing more, I would encourage you to read relationship-related books, work with a coach, or spend time meditating and envisioning the kind of relationship you want. You can also write love letters to your future mate. This isn’t as far-fetched as it sounds. The more real you can make this person seem, the more connected you will stay to your online dating journey.

Something I often suggest to my clients is that they practice becoming more comfortable with all members of the opposite sex, even if they aren’t people you would ever date. As crazy as this sounds, spend time connecting at a deeper level with members of the opposite sex in your immediate world. If you’re a guy, spend time with your mother, sister, or aunt. If you’re a woman, spend time with your father, brother, or uncle. It’s also nice to make a few friends of the opposite sex. Learning to flatter them, have playful banter, and understand what lights them up will bring these relationships alive in a whole new way. It will also help you feel more at ease when it comes to online dating.

Something else to consider is that, no matter how open and ready you are to meeting your partner, you may be resisting the process in ways you haven’t considered. It helps to keep reminding yourself to let go and surrender to the online dating process. Pay attention to any resistance you have to what’s happening and listen for any judgments that you might have about yourself, other people, and online dating in general. Here are some things you might be telling yourself that are causing your resistance:

  • I should be getting more dates.
  • Online dating works for other people but not for me.
  • There’s no one I’m interested in dating online.
  • I’m too old to meet someone.
  • I should have started this process much sooner.
  • This is never going to happen.
  • I’m wasting my time.
  • All the good ones are taken.
  • I can’t write flirty emails.
  • The people I’m interested in aren’t contacting me.
  • I’m not attracted to any of the people who contact me.
  • I’m too boring for anyone to date me.
  • I don’t know how to date.
  • _____________________________________________________
  • _____________________________________________________
  • _____________________________________________________

 

The number one way that people hinder the online dating process is by not being open to enough matches. Online dating makes it way too easy to eliminate people for superficial reasons. Many people today say they want a partner, but they aren’t willing to compromise on anything. I have even had female clients who are 5’4” who insist on only dating men who are 6’ or taller and male clients who are of average good looks who would only email the prettiest women. Odds are your ideal match is not going to come in the exact package you would like. When my husband and I met, he was about 3 inches taller than me. The other day, when he walked over to kiss me, I was towering over him. We both burst out laughing. I kicked off my shoes, but I was still quite a bit taller. So, even if you do get what you want in the beginning, you have no idea what’s in store for you. Please, please, PLEASE, give more people a chance. I promise you, people will surprise you if you let them.

The bottom line is that it takes patience and perseverance to find the right partner online. Two people’s lives have to line up for that to happen, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Sometimes you will get a surge of new interest from potential matches, other times it will feel as slow as molasses. The key is to stick in there and do your best to go with the flow. The more you can get out of your own way and not take it personally, the easier—and faster—your online dating journey will seem!

 To book a consultation with Lisa Shield and find out if coaching is for you, click here:

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