What I heard you saying is…

What I heard you saying is…

What I heard

In a previous post, I discussed that you want to be able to REALLY hear what your date is saying WITHOUT your inner Frenemy judging or putting its negative spin on what’s being said.

Frenemies like to do that. They like to jump in and ruin your dates by telling you all sorts of NASTY things. They do this to keep you SAFE. If you don’t like someone, then you won’t catch feelings and get HURT if they don’t like you back.

But you REALLY do want a partner, so you can’t keep finding fault with EVERYONE.

For that to happen, you need to STOP dismissing what your dates say just because you don’t agree with them. You need to stop jumping to conclusions, dig deeper and get CURIOUS about what’s being said.

Imagine that your date tells you he had to put his DOG up for adoption last year because he started traveling too much for work. If the thought of giving up your own dog is inconceivable to you, you might find yourself JUDGING your date. If, however, you were able to keep an open mind and set your judgment aside, you might ask some questions to get to a DEEPER truth.

What if he was doing this out of LOVE for his dog?

What if he wanted to find a new home where it would get CONSTANT attention and care, something he couldn’t provide at that time.

This EXACT scenario happened to a client of mine. She told me that she went on a date with a guy that she really fancied, but when he told her he put his dog up for adoption, that was the END. She had NO desire to see him again.

Because she said she liked him up to that point, I challenged her to ask him about why he put the dog up for adoption. He told her it was really HARD for HIM, but he knew it was the BEST thing for the DOG. He found the dog a really good home with kids and a yard.

So many potentially GREAT connections are lost at this point. We write someone off without getting to the truth. We make ASSUMPTIONS and then dismiss the other person out of hand without finding out their TRUTH.

A date can be a HIGHLY charged environment. It is easy for one person to say something and the other person to hear something VERY different. For this reason, you NEED to check in with your date from time to time to make sure you heard them correctly. You do this by paraphrasing what they said. “This is what I heard you say? Did I hear you correctly?”

In the STORY of the dog, you might say, “What I heard you say is that giving up your dog was really hard for you, but you thought it was best for the dog.” By checking your perception of what was said, your date will FEEL respected and might even feel inspired to share more.

You can ALSO say things like, “Let me see if I understood you correctly…” “What I gathered from what you said was…” or, “Are you saying that…”

Try these tips on your next date. When YOU check YOUR perception of what is being said, it shows that you are interested and your date will be BLOWN AWAY.

XO,

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Can casual SEX turn into LOVE?

26239298_10214246766099374_8123099800106665882_nIt doesn’t take a scientist to know that the overwhelming majority of women can’t have a hot, casual, sexual relationship with a man and NOT GET HOOKED.

Almost without fail, my female clients who say they are just going to have a casual, sexual relationship with a guy until the right one comes along, get ATTACHED and even BURNED in the end.

Women have a hormone called OXYTOCIN that causes them to bond when they have sex with a man. For that reason, sex is BOTH an emotional and a physical experience for most women. Even if they go into the hookup situation thinking they WON’T get attached, women run the risk of developing feelings for the guy they are hooking up with and hoping that he will also develop feelings for them.

I am not saying that men never connect the physical and the emotional when it comes to sex. Of course, they do. But because they are not under the influence of oxytocin, men can SEPARATE the emotional and physical more easily, allowing them to have recreational sex without getting easily attached.

To further complicate things, men and women don’t seem to UNDERSTAND each other. Women get angry with men for remaining emotionless and unattached.  Men get angry with women for developing feelings when they told their sexual partner from the START that the relationship was not going anywhere.

Many women make the mistake of thinking that, just because they can develop feelings for a man over time, a man will EVENTUALLY develop feelings for them. I am NOT saying hookups never turn into committed relationships, but most of the men I have coached in the past 15 years have told me that they know RIGHT AWAY if they have deeper feelings for a particular woman and want MORE than just sex with her.

My male clients rarely talk about falling SLOWLY in love with a woman. Men from my Facebook Group, Dating without Drama, echo this sentiment.

Many men have even told me that, if they really like a woman, they DON’T want to sleep with her right away. On my third date with my future husband, he said to me, “I really like you and I want to get to know you, and I don’t want to RUSH INTO ANYTHING, including sex.”

This was music to my ears.

Let’s be clear. There is nothing wrong with a woman having casual sex. But if you participate in it, you need to know that you run the very REAL risk of getting attached to someone you never intended to develop feelings for. Women need to tattoo this on their brains. If you engage in casual sex with men, DO NOT expect it to go anywhere. It can turn into something more, but this is the EXCEPTION rather than the rule.

Men and women are wired DIFFERENTLY. If a man tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship, you MUST believe him.  Even if he is spending every night cuddling with you, giving you gifts, and making wild, passionate love to you; if he told you he isn’t interested in a relationship, you probably won’t EVER be anything more than a hookup for him.

Do not spin it into some kind of PERSONAL CHALLENGE thinking that you will be the one to REFORM him. Do not tell yourself that his actions are showing you that he really cares about you. Do not think that this is anything more for him than what it really is: SEX FOR SEX SAKE.

If you do not want your love life to be one long string of hookups and one-night stands, HOLD OUT for someone who tells you he is looking for love and open to exploring a relationship with YOU.  Learn more about this in my Free Online Workshop!

If you have a tendency to jump into sex quickly, like before you have gone out on at least 8-10 actual dates with someone, make a vow to STOP doing that. If drinking lowers your resolve or makes you horny and leads you to do things you know you will regret, LIMIT YOURSELF to a single glass of wine when you start dating someone new or, better yet, refrain from drinking altogether.

You deserve to have it all—wild, passionate sex AND a lifelong commitment—but to have it, YOU have to be willing to raise YOUR bar and keep it there until you find a man who measures up.

XO,
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The Quick and Easy Way to Escape a Bad Date

How to politely end a bad date

Well, the holidays are over and maybe in an attempt to feel less lonely, you went on a few dates with the hope of finding someone for a LTR. But unfortunately the dates didn’t go well, and you couldn’t wait to get out of there.
 
So when you had your last bad date, how did you end it?
 
Did you get up and walk out? Or did you sit there and suffer silently, stealing GLANCES at your watch and thinking what a big waste of time it all is.
 
Unfortunately, BAD dates happen to everyone. If you’re out there dating, you’re bound to have a clunker once in awhile.
 
The NUMBER ONE complaint I hear in my Facebook groups is about how much time dating takes up. They also say that one of the BIGGEST wastes of time is feeling trapped on a date with someone they have absolutely no interest in seeing again. They don’t want to sit there leading the other person on, but they don’t know how to politely END the date.
 
Do you?
 
Your time is the most precious commodity you have. It is also the MOST precious commodity your date has. So, even though it might FEEL awkward, by ending the date sooner than later, you will be doing both of you a favor.
 
How long is an appropriate amount of time to spend on a date with someone you’re absolutely not attracted to? If you feel comfortable, end it right away, ESPECIALLY if your date has misrepresented his or her weight, height, or age in an online dating profile. Say something simple but polite, like, “Thanks for meeting me. You look VERY different from your pictures (or, from the way you described yourself in your profile) and I don’t want to waste your time or mine.”
 
If you don’t feel comfortable being this UPFRONT, then 20 or 30 minutes should be a sufficient amount of time to spend with someone before making your exit.
 
When ending the encounter, be considerate of your date’s feelings. Say something like, “It has been really nice to meet you. I don’t think we’re a MATCH and I just want to be respectful of your time. I wish you all the best and I really appreciate you coming out to meet me.”
 
Most people don’t want to seem rude, but WHEN phrased like this, your dates will admire–and even envy–your tact.
XO
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Fall in LOVE this New Year!

Heartbreak-Social-Banner----LisaShieldWhen you were a little girl, do you remember how free you felt and how you dreamed of falling in love and having a perfect relationship?

Then as you grew up, you went through a series of heartbreaking relationships that each left you feeling a little more hopeless and alone.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. We’ve all been there, and we’re in this TOGETHER!

I vividly remember going through some awful relationships in my life. But fast forward to today, and things are VERY different. However, it did take time and I had to discover the RIGHT tools to get me through.

Oh, what I would have given for a HELPING hand during those times!

That’s why, when my good friend and colleague, Rebecca Boatman, invited me to speak on her free web series, I gave a resounding “YES!!!”. I know how hard it can be to heal from bad relationships and I felt compelled to SHARE my experience, strength, and hope with YOU.

This is our hand reaching out to you because we know that YOU are worthy of YOUR dream relationship, and we want to help you find it.

I’ve kindly asked for Rebecca to save you a seat and she gave a resounding “YESSS!!!” right back at me.

Click here to grab your FREE seat!

Rebecca, the founder and CEO of The Brave Lady, has brought together an amazing team of experts (including yours truly) to discuss healing your broken heart so you can love AGAIN!

Come watch leading experts, authors, coaches, doctors, biologists, and more and find out how you can attract your dream partner!

Click here to grab your FREE seat!

This series is FILLED with golden nuggets to help you shift into a powerful life filled with love and joy. Let’s start 2018 with a BANG and make it the year you’ll never forget!

In this free series you’ll learn how to:

  • Break free from heartache so that you can love again!

  • Start dating again to attract the RIGHT guys!

  • Move through a breakup feeling empowered and confident.

  • Start attracting an abundance of men that are a match for you!

You’ll also receive 21 gifts valued at over $5,000 from all of the speakers (including myself)!

These interviews are designed specifically to be content-rich and easy-listening to make this easy, fun, and educational for YOU!

If your heart is calling you to experience the relationship of your dreams, then this event is perfect for you!

See you there!

XO,


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P.S. My talk is on January 5, 2018 and I’d love for you to be there, but be sure to watch as many of these INCREDIBLE interviews as you can (did I mention there are gifts?). You never know what’s the one nugget that will completely change your life!

Click here to grab your FREE seat!

 

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