Do Younger Men Find Older Women Sexy? The Answer Will Surprise You!

Do Younger Men Find Older Women Sexy? The Answer Will Surprise You!

Closeup of a happy relaxed mature woman smiling
“She’s just the sexiest woman alive,” said my male client, a guy in his early 30′s who was fit, kind, and looking to date a woman like the one he was talking about. You’re probably rolling your eyes right now, thinking that he’s referring to Megan Fox or Jennifer Lawrence. Maybe you’d be pleasantly surprised, or even shocked, to know that he was talking about Diane Lane, who is 19 years his senior at 49 years old! Why did my client find this older woman so irresistible?

“It’s less about age and more about…the way some women make you forget that age exists, I think,” said another guy in his 20′s at a bar. My friend had asked him whether or not he’d consider dating a 40, or even 50-year-old woman. “Of course! It just depends. Just like it depends with anyone.” But could he really considering being with a woman twenty years older than him? His friend weighed in: “some older women are even sexier than the hottest girls our age you could meet, because they aren’t like…girls. They’re women, they already know who they are. It’s like George Clooney, right?”

My young girl friend told me she had to agree. There were several older men who she said gave her a “hot dad vibe,” including Clooney! We all know Clooney, the eternal bachelor he is, doesn’t have any children, but it’s the confidence in his gravelly voice, strong hands, and mischievous smile that make him the sexy, worldly man he is.

Read the rest here at YourTango!

How I Celebrated the Happiest 10 Years of My Life

Wedding 320 Last night at 8:30pm marked 12 years since my first date with my husband, Benjamin, and 10 years since we were married. We met in the early days of Internet dating, at a time when few people would have even admitted to posting a profile online. For me it was just the opposite. All my life, I had felt incredibly shy around men, and I never liked having go out in public and trawl for them.  So, I thought Internet dating was a godsend, and I told everyone. I knew that I needed lots of practice dating. For the first time I could get as many dates as I wanted and meet a lot of different men.  I had no delusions about how badly I needed to date.  I knew I had some work to do on myself before the kind of man I wanted would be attracted to me.

Wedding 316

So, I posted a profile and I went out on as many dates as possible. I wanted to learn how to feel comfortable with men and understand them, not from a female perspective, but in the way men would want a woman to understand them.  All in all, I went on nearly 100 first dates in two years. I had done a lot of therapy and self-help work going into dating, so I knew quickly when someone wasn’t a match. I also wasn’t in a hurry. I was willing to take my time to find the right man. The journey wasn’t an easy one. There were plenty of times when I felt so lonely I curled up in a little ball and sobbed. After a good, long cry, I would pull myself together in the mirror, wipe the mascara streaks from my cheeks, and then go and email five more guys. But no matter how discouraged I felt, I refused to give up. There was nothing I wanted more than to create a life with a lover, playmate, and best friend, and I was willing to do whatever it took to find him. I think I have a pretty wild imagination, but these past twelve years have surpassed even my wildest dreams. Without exaggeration, they have been nearly perfect. My husband and I have only come to love and adore each other more. Our sex has become more passionate with time. We have also developed an uncanny ability to get emotionally naked with one another and create a profound connection. Last week when we were in Costa Rica reading in our room, our eyes met and we just stared at one another until I noticed that tears were falling from the corners of my husband’s eyes. Wedding 348 When I meet people who are on the fence about finding a partner, my heart hurts for them because I know what they’re missing. Doing the work to have the right man to share my life with has been the greatest gift I could ever have given myself. It was worth everything I went through to find him. I became a dating and relationship coach because I want everyone to have this. IMG_0416 On a sadder note: this last year has been a tough one. We lost my great uncle, Sid, and my father. My little sister has also been struggling emotionally since my father died and my brother and I have had some challenges with our relationship. On top of this, my mother-in-law is 96 and we know that every moment we have with her is precious. Last night she was admitted to the hospital and we are still waiting for a diagnosis. And finally, our beloved Bernese Mountain Dog, Cosmo, was diagnosed three weeks ago with terminal lung cancer. Right now he is lying under my desk at my feet in his favorite spot. My heart is breaking. I literally don’t know the last time I felt such pain. I can’t bear the thought that very soon I will look down and I won’t find him there. But for now, we are plying him with all the McDonald’s Cheeseburgers and KFC he can eat and he’s still a happy boy. DSCN8528Img3289[1]               Last night Benjamin and I got dressed and headed to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Melisse. He looked as handsome as I have ever seen him. As we were leaving the house, I noticed him tucking something into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. I was hoping it wasn’t a card, since I hadn’t written him one and he’d written me something beautiful for my birthday a few weeks ago. At dinner, he said, “I want to read you something. You wrote it to me 10 years ago…” My mouth fell open. He began reading aloud: “It’s been two days since I became Mrs. Benjamin Shield….” Then it went on to describe in great detail our 3-day honeymoon in Big Sur. There were so many detail that I would have forgotten—the cream puffs we ate in Solvang on the ride there, the lunch we had at the Nepente gift shop, the gorgeous redwoods outside our cabin at Ventana, and the flawless meal we had at Post Ranch where I fell in love with Sticky Toffee Pudding for the first time.  I barely remembered writing it, but was even more shocked that he had found it.  What a beautiful walk down memory lane. IMG_1777 We came home and gave Cosmo the steak bone and Milo the leftover meat from dinner. Everyone was elated. Then I called “everyone on the bed” and we all curled up together among the pillows and the fluffy down comforters—our favorite thing to do. Copy of Img4866 Cosmo’s passing is coming soon and I am extremely sad. Of any dog we’ve had, he seems most bonded to me.  The thing is that I didn’t even like him at first. I like ugly dogs—Shar-peis or Chinese Cresteds. I dream of having to have a hairless cat because I love that they look so surreal. Cosmo is just… beautiful. He’s almost too beautiful. It doesn’t seem fair that anything should be that pretty. It’s like having Brad Pitt walking around the house all the time, but in dog form. Yet he is also the sweetest animal I have ever known, and he has this uncanny way of looking straight into my eyes like he knows everything I’m thinking. How does a dog know how to make eye contact like that? Actually, I know someone else who looks into my eyes like that: Benjamin. He just stared into my eyes like that through our entire first date. 00000032 I don’t know how I would have gotten through this year without my husband. I don’t know how anyone gets through periods like this without a partner by her side. I am a very strong woman, but I wouldn’t want to have to do this alone. If ever there was one thing I did right, it was to find a partner to share my life. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Literally. He’s very generous. But more than that, going through life together makes even the hardest parts seem beautiful.

5 Ways to Stop Being A Dazed and Confused Dater

Naughty young girl making funny face on white

It’s happening again: you find yourself staring at your phone, waiting for a text back from someone you thought you had a particularly good date with. “But the night went so well!” you tell a friend, perplexed by the abrupt end to the previously steady flow of communication. As the negative thoughts begin to flood your mind, you start to make a mental list all the things you might have done wrong: a joke that fell flat, that shirt you were unsure about, a kiss that was good for you…but was it good for him?

No matter how hard you try to reassure yourself, you can’t stop wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” If you were in my coaching office having a session, here’s what I would say: “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just your own worst Frenemy.”

“My own worst, what?” you’d exclaim, rolling your eyes for effect.

I would explain it like this: your Frenemy is the voice in your head that feeds you all of those nagging questions. At first, it might sound like a well-meaning friend helping you figure out what you did wrong, But if you listen closely, you will realize that it is really your own self-doubt taking the wheel. If you aren’t careful, your inner Frenemy can totally steer you away from the road to true love.

So, how can you get back in the driver’s seat and stop those negative thoughts from distorting your perception? One tool that has worked for my clients and myself is the Five Clarifying Questions, a simple process that I developed while I was dating to stop my Frenemy from spiraling out of control. Here’s what you do: Define the issue first. Then ask yourself the following questions. Let’s take a deeper look at how each question can help you through the lens of an example issue: I get lots of first dates but I can’t seem to get a second date.

  1. How is this experience making me feel? Some situations will cause us to have an emotional reaction. When we’re dating, it stirs up a lot of emotion. In the case of our example, the honest feelings there might sound something like: “I feel stuck, frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed, and unlovable.”

 

  1. Why am I feeling this way? This question is about really trying to dig deeper and connect with the reason inside yourself that you’re upset. It isn’t about judging or blaming the other person. Here, you should write down your thoughts and feelings about what’s causing you to feel this pain. For example, instead of saying “I feel this way because guys are jerks and never talk to me after the first date,” we would instead try to look inward and say something like: “Because I really am trying. I am putting myself out there, doing the best I can and it doesn’t feel fair. Sometimes it feels like everyone is in a relationship but me. I don’t understand why dating is so hard for me.”

 

  1. What is true about what I’m feeling? Some of what you are feeling is justified. In order to see the truth and stop listening to the lies your frenemy is feeding you, you have to separate what is genuinely true from all of your fear and negativity. Here are some examples of truthful statements in our scenario:
  • I am trying.
  • I am doing the best I can.
  • Dating genuinely feels hard to me.

 

  1. What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?

 

This is where you can let that nagging Frenemy have it! List all the negative thoughts you’re having that are holding you back. They might sound like:

  • This isn’t fair.
  • Everyone is in a relationship but me
  • I will never find someone.
  • I’m boring, so no one wants to see me again.
  • I take everything too seriously.
  • I’m too needy.

 

  1. What is the truth about each of these negative statements?

Now you’ll need to be honest with yourself about where this negativity is coming from and turn it into constructive truth. You might find that you’ve found some pills that are hard to swallow. Maybe you’re not playful enough or you’re too quick to judge. Maybe you aren’t a good listener or you’re not very compassionate. Whatever the case, if you’ve found something that you can improve upon, then you’re doing it right! You should be proud of yourself. Knowing yourself and your weaknesses will help you get better about what’s holding you back instead of simply making yourself feel better. The truth about our above statements, and probably many of your own, might go something like this:

 

  • My experience isn’t fair or unfair; it just is.
  • Everyone isn’t in a relationship. There are lots of other single people.
  • If I keep opening my heart and getting emotionally naked, I can meet someone.
  • I can learn to become a more interesting conversationalist if I choose to do so.
  • I have a tendency to take things seriously, but when I feel comfortable, I can also be very playful.
  • Just because I have needs, it doesn’t make me needy.

The good and bad news is that the dating process will bring up anything you’re doing to prevent yourself from attracting the right partner. It isn’t an easy process, but it is worthwhile. The rewards far exceed the difficulties you might experience along the way. With this five step process, you will be able to kick your Frenemy to the curb and practice learning from your dates and disappointments. And the more you practice, the easier it gets!

 

31 Ways You Might Be Blocking Love

Block

If you’re not in a relationship and you really want to be in one, chances are that you’re somehow blocking love from coming into your life. The first step to getting out of your own way is to recognize it! Here are 31 ways that you could be blocking love:

1. Telling yourself that there is no one out here for you

2. Not putting yourself out in the dating world where you can meet people

3. Focusing on work at the expense of finding a relationship

4. Choosing the wrong people to date

5. Staying in the wrong relationship long after you know it’s not going to work

6. Telling yourself that you like being single and you don’t want to give up your freedom

7. Waiting for a relationship to just happen

8. Being overly picky and critical of other people

9. Not dealing with issues that you know are getting in your way and making you feel unattractive

10. Always waiting for a better time or the “right” time to date

11. Blaming the powers that be or other people for why you’re single

12. Sheer laziness

13. Feeling entitled and angry because you have to work for it

14. Not being playful enough

15. Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results

16. Playing games and thinking that you can manipulate people into giving you what you want

17. Pushing people away when they want to get close out of fear

18. Running away

19. Finding fault with everyone you date

20. Finding fault with yourself

21. Not being willing to just get out and practice

22. Thinking that the opposite sex thinks or should think like you

23. Having too many rules for how your dates should treat you and then eliminating them on technicalities

24. Looking for things to find wrong about people rather than things to find right

25. Failing to get emotionally naked and tell people when they do something that upsets you, even if it’s on a first date

26. Thinking that you can find another person to meet your needs

27. Being overly anxious

28. Getting easily disappointed and giving up when things don’t go your way

29. Taking everything personally

30. Failing to ask the right questions and establish, up front, whether or not the other person wants the same things as you do

31. Rushing into sex or into relationships too quickly

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