Do I Really Have to Look for Love?
Is it possible to meet someone in the course of your life, fall in love, and live happily after? Sure! It’s also possible to win the lottery, but I wouldn’t bet my retirement on it Many people choose to leave their love lives to chance, but especially if having a family is important to you, I would do whatever it takes to make finding love a priority.
In the thirteen years I’ve been a dating and relationship coach, I’ve seen hundreds of attractive, successful clients who went about their lives, focused on their careers, believed that love would find them when the time was right. Then, in their late 30’s or early 40’s, they wake up and think, “WTF am I doing with my life? I’m almost 40, I have a cool career and a condo, but I’m not married and I don’t have kids, so what’s it all for?” I am not telling you that having a family is the end all be all, but I also don’t think that being alone is a life goal for most people either. The majority of the people I’ve met want marriage and children and lasting love.. and if that’s what you want, you need to get out there and make it happen.
I know some of you have read tons of stuff and heard lot of people say that love finds you when you stop looking for it. This isn’t exactly true. Love doesn’t find you when you stop looking looking for it. It finds you when you’re no longer anxious and desperate and you stop thinking that someone else can fill you up and make you whole. Love comes to you when you stop trying to get someone to love you and you start receiving the love that surrounds you. The antidote to trying too hard is not to stop trying. These are opposite sides of the same coin. The antidote to chasing love is to stop and draw it to you, to attract
My client, Jenny, is a perfect example of what can happen if you leave love to chance. She’s gorgeous—tall and slim with turquoise eyes and thick auburn hair that falls to the middle of her back. She’s also got a wicked sense of humor and an infectious laugh that drive men wild. You’d think that she’d have an endless supply of dates… and for most of her life she did. But between long hours at work, occasional dinners with friends, and her yoga and fitness classes, she began accepting fewer and fewer dates. Now she’s close to 40, and she’s not getting nearly as many offers, and she’s certainly not getting offers from the kind of men she would interested in. Most of the guys who ask her out now are at least eight to ten years older. She also gets hit on by much younger guys. She even dated one, but just like Ashton Kutcher, he left her for a younger woman who could have his babies.
When I asked her to tell me about her past relationships, she became very introspective: “I knew at the time I was with most of those guys that none of them were husband material, but I wasn’t in a hurry to get married. I guess I just figured that one of them would eventually turn out to be my soul mate. I just don’t get it.”
Jenny told me that she was worried that something was wrong with her. When she reflected on her past relationships, she remembered being jealous and insecure. “I thought I’d outgrow these behaviors,” she sighed. “but last year I dated a man I really liked for two months ended the relationship when I started getting jealous over one of his female friends from law school. He told me that he was too old to play games and he refused to break off a valuable friendship. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew he was right. I was behaving like a spoiled brat.”
You might think that with time and age you will know yourself better and you will eventually attract the right person. As logical as this sounds, it isn’t always true. If you want to identify and break the emotional patterns that are preventing you from getting close to someone in a relationship, you might need to do some work on yourself. If you don’t deal with your fears and insecurities, they will keep following you from relationship to relationship. This is what is referred to as baggage—and we all have it!
We’re all afraid to fall in love for fear of getting rejected. Dating affords us an opportunity to meet a lot of different people so that we can work through the fears that are blocking us from having true intimacy.
I know dating isn’t always fun, but with the help of these emails and my one-on-one coaching sessions, I can show you how to use the dating process to break through your emotional blocks and find true love. Having a coach can help give you the tools and skills to date differently. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If you want something to change you have to make changes. Let me help you stop spinning your wheels and start moving toward the love and relationship of your dreams!