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Loving Yourself on Valentine’s Day

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As we enter the last few weeks of deep winter, some of us will be battening down our hatches for a different type of storm that will soon be rolling in. You know the one. The one that barricades all the poor minions of Singledom into a psychic deprivation tank and then bombards them with images of other people in love.

I’m talking, of course, about Valentine’s Day.

Now, if you are a person who is in any way satisfied with being single, and you can comfortably opt out of the occasion altogether, I applaud you. But I also know that there are so many women out there, including myself in some of my single years, for whom February 14 is a big, heart-shaped box of pain and misery.

If that particular day on your calendar happens to be marked with a skull and crossbones, here are three things you can do to go from survive to thrive during Hurricane Val:

1. PLANT YOUR SEEDS

Let’s begin from a historical perspective. Valentine’s Day as we now know it evolved out of an ancient Roman fertility festival where men would sacrifice a goat, cut its’ hide into strips, dip them in the sacrificial blood, and then run around naked slapping the women and the crops with them. 

Soooo, even if you spend V-Day on your couch crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching ‘Love, Actually’, you’re still waaay better off than our Foremothers. So, there’s that.

The deep midwinter is also a time in the natural cycle of life where things begin to grow underground that will come to fruit in the spring harvest. Make a day for yourself to plant the seeds of your clear intentions and desires, and then send them out into the universe.

Make a vision board with quotes and images of your ideal love relationship.Be specific. What does the guardian of your soul look like? What does his voice sound like? Where is he from? Do a visualization where you see him, and ask him to come to you. Write him a letter. The more you can make that love manifest in your mind and heart, the more you will draw those energies to you. 

2. LOVE YOUR DAMN SELF

Seriously. This is an important practice to cultivate. In order for our bodies to be healthy and thrive, it is essential that we learn to shower them with positive loving energy. 

Take the day to thank your body for everything it does for you. Go to a spa. Get a massage. Buy yourself a pair of cashmere pants. Seriously, buy yourself a pair of cashmere pants. Go for a hike or a long walk in nature and saturate yourself with oxygen. Honor your body’s intelligence and beauty.You are the universe expressing itself.

3. LOVE THE ONES YOU’RE WITH

We cannot underestimate the power of friend-love. Our friends keep us going, our friends except us, our friends make us more truly ourselves. There is no reason not to also be emotionally naked with your friends, in fact, it’s really good practice.

Make a Valentine date with a friend or three. Go somewhere nice. When the first round of drinks comes, go around the table and tell each friend what you love about them. Thank them.

Even the laws of physics now show us that gratitude vibrates at a higher frequency than most other emotions, and increases our bodies energy field. Cultivate the love of your friends and that positive energy will attract more love to you.

Whether you do one, all, or even some small measure of these things, some simple shifts in perception can keep your Valentine’s Day from becoming the dreaded Lovepocalypse it may have been in the past, and instead be a meaningful day of reflection and gratitude.

If you’d like to schedule a free one-hour breakthrough call with me, click this link so I can show you how to make sure that, next year, you will be celebrating V-Day with the man of your dreams!

Until then, sending you a heart shaped box of Nakedness.

XO,

Your Career Is NOT Your Most Attractive Asset

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A big question for many single women today is, “Does my career intimidate men?” Most men aren’t intimidated by a successful woman, but they aren’t going to be attracted to you because of your career either. A man will respect your accomplishments, but that isn’t going to make him want to date you. I am not saying you should dumb yourself down or feel ashamed because you’re successful, but your success won’t make you more dateable.

In contrast, women see men as protectors and providers which makes a man’s career part of what attracts us to him. Especially if you are going to have a family, it’s important to find a man you can count on financially. While you might be happy to contribute to the overall economic well being of your relationship, I am pretty sure you don’t want a man to see you as HIS provider because, if he does, chances are he will want to YOU to support HIM.

Role Reversal

In theory, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with a woman supporting a man, but it rarely works out in the long run. Why? Because it feels emasculating to most men. A large part of why men work to make money and climb the ladder of success —  so that THEY can attract the hottest women. THEY want to be able to impress US with what they can offer.

Just as women know that their beauty and femininity play a huge role in attracting a man, men know that their success plays a major part in attracting a woman. So, when a woman is super successful, a man feels like he has nothing to offer her that she doesn’t already have. He won’t  feel like he has anything to give you that you can’t give to yourself, he won’t feel like he has anything of value to contribute to your life or to the relationship.

Wanting vs. Needing Someone

In order to feel like a man in your eyes, he needs to feel like you need him. A lot of women say, “But I WANT a man, even if I don’t need one.” Wanting and needing someone are very different. You might want a chocolate chip cookie, but you don’t need it. You could take it or leave it. It’s not the end of the world. But love, food, oxygen… those are things you need. When you need a man, he feels like he’s an essential part of your life.

Romantic relationships are all about getting our mutual needs met.  A man will protect and provide for you and, in return, he will want you to nurture and comfort him. This might sound very old-fashioned, but when all is said and done, in a romantic relationship, there needs to be some sort of trade-off. The beauty of a relationship between a man and woman is that, each sex brings a unique kind of love and support to our partner. When we think of feminine qualities, empathy, compassion, and nurturance come to mind. When we think of masculine qualities, we think of protectiveness, integrity, strength, and courage.

What men and women offer each other is different but valuable. In the same way you need to feel that you offer something unique to your partner that he can’t easily get elsewhere, he needs to feel the same way.

Men Want to Be Our Superheros

Being too self-sufficient as a woman isn’t attractive to most men. Why do you think they make all those superhero movies? Because most men fantasize about being the hero and rescue the beautiful damsel in distress.  That is EVERY man’s fantasy. They want to be our hero, and they do that by impressing us with how strong, capable, and successful they are. Men live to see the smile on our faces and how we light up because of all the amazing things they do for us.

Right now you are probably thinking, “So, Lisa, what I hear you saying is that I am suppose to give up my career so I can be more attractive to a man?” No. That’s not what I am saying at all. There are lots of successful women who have fabulous husbands — myself included — but these women understand how to not be intimidating or emasculating to their man.

How can you be one of them?

Be Vulnerable

You need to show a man that you need him. If you’re having a hard day at work, come home and say, “Babe, could you just cuddle with me on the sofa? I just need you to put your arms around me.” Or, “I just want you to hold me.”

Ask For His Advice

Don’t pretend like you have it all figured out. Even if you do, there are things that men offer women in relationships that we can’t get from other women or even give ourselves. Male perspective is very different than female perspective. Ask for his input on things and give him a chance to impress you with who he is and how he looks at life.

Be in Touch With Your Femininity

Don’t come home with that corporate attitude. When you walk in the door and your guy comes home, leave your job behind. Walk in the house with a “Hey babe,” put on your sexy, and be feminine.

Make Him Feel Like Top Dog

You have to understand how men think and operate. You’ve got to mirror his masculinity back to him and let him feel like he’s top dog. As women, we tend to talk more than the average man. We love to share about what’s going on in our world, which means we can share a lot about what’s happening at work. You want to be sure to ask about what HIS work and be genuinely interested and impressed with what he’s doing.

Be Happy and Passionate

There’s nothing worse than a woman who’s stressed out and constantly complains about her job. That can be a real turnoff to a guy. But if you LOVE your job, it can be a real turn on. Men appreciate happy women who are passionate about their work.

While your career is certainly something to be proud of, it’s not a selling point when it comes to romance. You don’t want to be supporting a man as much as he doesn’t want to be supported by you. Leave your career at the door and make him feel like top dog in your relationship, and you’ll be able to able to find a relationship that is worth way more than a title and a paycheck.

If you need help stepping into your feminine or if you’d like to learn more about men, let’s jump on a free breakthrough call!

Yours in Nakedness,

3 Things You Should Never Say To A Man

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You’re dating someone. It’s going great. Then, he forgets to call you when he said you would to firm up plans for your Friday night date. When calls and apologizes, you tell him, “I was disappointed when you didn’t call when you said you would, and I went ahead and made other plans.” You both agree to do something the following week, but you never hear from him again. Not a call. Not a text. Nothing. You feel confused. You can’t figure out what went wrong. All you did was express your feelings. Should you have just buried them and said nothing at all?

Of course, you shouldn’t bury your feelings. You had every right to say how you felt, you just needed to say it in a way that a MAN could hear it. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, men and women communicate differently, VERY differently. And there are certain things you should NEVER, ever say to a man. Here are my top three:

#1. “I’m Disappointed”

Men hate hearing this word. Why? Because the LAST thing they want to do is “disappoint” women. Men want to make us HAPPY, and they feel emasculated when you tell them they’ve disappointed you.

I had heard this information before, but I was still surprised when I talked to my husband one day about what a client should say to a guy who had let her down. I was running some things by him, and I used the word disappointed. He had a very strong reaction and said, “Oh, no. Do not use THAT word. Whatever you do, don’t tell a man he’s disappointed you.”

If a man lets you down or he doesn’t call you when he said he would, you need to let him know that it’s not okay, but you need to phrase it carefully. You could say,

“I would have loved it if you’d called me sooner. I was really looking forward to seeing you. But when I didn’t hear from you, I went ahead and made other plans.”

If you say it this way, he will will be impressed by how kindly you expressed your feelings. He will also get the message that you aren’t going to wait around for him 😉

#2. “How Do You Feel About Me?”

Men are not as in touch with their feelings as women are. (Duh!) Therefore, when you ask a man, “How do you feel about me?” it feels like a trick question. When asked how he “feels,” the typical man will get a blank look on his face and struggle for words.

Most women would take this personally. After all, it was a vulnerable thing to ask. And then he just looks at you with this dumb look. Not good.

You need to know that he isn’t intentionally being rude or evasive. He REALLY doesn’t know how to answer this “feeling” question.

If you want to hear how a man “feels” about you, you need to say, “What do you THINK about me?” THAT he can answer. It will get him to tell you a WHOLE BUNCH of stuff like…

“I think you’re great!”

“I think are so cool!”

“I think you’re awesome to hang out with!”

“I think that you’re so smart.”

“I think you’re so talented!”

“I think you’re really beautiful!”

“I think you’re hot!”

“Thinking” is something he does. “Feeling”? Not so much.

#3. “We Need to Talk”

Do not EVER tell a man, ‘We need to talk.”

You know what happens in his brain when he hears this? “Oh, my god. I’m going to get a lecture. I did something wrong. What did I do? How do I get out of this?” That statement is really, really, REALLY off putting to men. They will do everything they can to avoid that conversation because they’re afraid they did something wrong. They think they’re going to get lectured. And again, it’s going to feel emasculating to them.

If you really do need to talk to a guy about something, here’s the best trick. You should say, “Hey, you know what? There’s something you could really help me with.” Say this, and his ears will prick up. He will be so excited. Why? Because a man who likes you will want to help you because he wants to do what he can to make you happy.

I know I said I would give you three tips, but here’s a fourth one I just thought. The difference is that, rather than being something you shouldn’t SAY to a man, this is something you shouldn’t DO:

#4. Never get angry with a man.

And this is why. When two men get angry at each other, what do they do? They fight. But when a woman gets angry at a man, it puts him in a bad position. Here’s what happens:

Men are hardwired to be protectors. When they feel they’re in danger, their testosterone level shoots up and this makes them feel aggressive.

So, even if you’re right about what you’re saying, he can’t respond because his testosterone level skyrockets, leaving him with only two choices. He can either suppress his anger or get angry in return. Either way, he can’t hear anything you’re saying.

Getting angry with a man, no matter how angry you feel, isn’t going to work. It’s just not effective because, again, it’s emasculating to a man. There’s literally nothing productive he can do in that situation.

So, the next time you’re upset, try taking a timeout. You can do some self-soothing – take a walk or a bath, go to the gym – and then when you’re calm, you can go to him and say, “Hey, there’s something you could really help me with. When you didn’t call me the other night to set up our date, I felt like you really didn’t care and that you really weren’t into me, and so I made other plans.”

Getting angry, telling a man he’s inconsiderate or a jerk, none of that is going bring the two of you closer. In order for you to remain close, you need to stop saying: I’m disappointed, how do you feel about me, and we need to talk. And don’t get angry with him!

I know this might just sound like MORE stuff YOU need to change. It might even seem you’re giving something up, but, truthfully, you’re not – you’re GAINING something. You want your relationships, your communication, and your interactions with men to be effective. That’s why following this advice is crucial.

Great communication is about bringing two people closer together. If changing a word here and there or taking a timeout until your anger subsides and you can express your feelings rationally is going to help matters, why wouldn’t you do it? Your man will feel more respected, and you’ll feel more in control of your emotions. Trust me, this advice will work wonders on your relationship and your connection will only deepen.

XO,

3 DATING HACKS I STOLE FROM MY HUSBAND

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Today, I am going to share three dating profile hacks that I stole from my husband, Benjamin.  He is kind enough to help me write the profiles for the women in my private coaching group. To do this, I first interview the client.  Then, Benjamin reads through my notes. And finally, we write the profile together.

We must be doing something right because our profiles get rave reviews. My clients tell me all the time how much the men love them… and why wouldn’t they?  They’re written with the help of a quality man who knows what he’s talking about!

I’m excited to share these tips with you today.  This is the kind of stuff most people don’t know about.  And these three tips alone can catapult your profile from average to exceptional.  

Okay… are you ready?  Then, let’s do this thing!

Dating Profile Hack #1: Show that you have room in your life for a man

When Benjamin reads over my notes from the client interview, he will often make a comment like,

“She seems like a lovely woman, but she doesn’t appear to have room in her life for a man.  Or, at least her desire for a partner isn’t coming across in the way she talks.”

Now, Benjamin isn’t saying that the woman doesn’t WANT to share her life with a man.  She wouldn’t be coaching with me if that were true. What he’s saying is that, from what she’s saying, it doesn’t SOUND like she has room in her life for a man.

When you write your profile, you want to talk about the wonderful things you have going on in your life.  You want to talk about your fabulous friends, your kids, your job and your trips to the four corners of the earth.  But you don’t want to sound like your life is so full a man would to have to fit between all the things you have going on.  

In your profile, you should have a line that says something like, “Hey, I have this incredible life. I built it this way. And now the one missing piece is the right guy to share it with.”

You also need to consider that the kind of man you want to date already has a full and rich life of HIS own.  Like you, he has a wonderful job, kids, friends, hobbies, responsibilities… and he’s going to want you to be willing to fit into HIS world.  He’ll want you to go to business dinners with him and become a part of his life, as well.

Maybe you’re gonna have to go camping or pick up a sport or take up yoga, if that’s what he’s into. One of my girlfriends was not very athletic but she got into Bikram yoga with her guy because that’s what he was into. Now she loves it!

You’ve got to also show that you’re open to a man. One of my clients put the following into her profile with great success.  She wrote, “If you have hobbies, I would love to explore them with you!” At 60 years old it didn’t take her long to meet a great guy online, and it was all because she was so open.

Dating Profile Hack #2:  Show that you have an edge

After reading my notes, Benjamin often says, “It seems like this woman lacks an edge.” What he means by that is she’s too perfect. She’s nice and sweet and kind… but there’s nothing spontaneous or unpredictable about her. She never lets her guard down. She’s so nice, she’s boring.  

What does an edge sound like?  Here’s what one client said in her profile interview:

“I’ve been trying lots of new foods that I have never tried before. I’m learning to like seafood. I tried my first oyster last week. I like lobster and crab, but an oyster was the most advanced in this field. I tried it!  It was pretty brave. I had to text everybody. People were like, “No way. You tried an oyster?”

Here’s another example of an edge:

“I’m fully capable of being an adult when the situation calls for it, but there is a childlike quality to me that I hope will never die. The beauty of this is that I not only can I dish it out; I can take it… so bring it. I’m a prankster at heart, but I know just how far to take it!”

You want a man to know that you’re not too perfect.  You do this by saying something fun and quirky and out-of-the-box in your profile. This will make you seem a little playful and spontaneous. We’re all looking for a playmate to have fun with.

Remember, the saying isn’t “girls are made of sugar and everything nice.”  It’s “girls are made of sugar and SPICE and everything nice.” So, don’t be afraid to add a little spice to your profile if you want to attract the attention of the best guys!

Dating Profile Hack #3:  Make your profile an invitation, not a presentation

Many women write profiles that read like a resume. “I’ve got this and I’ve got that and I’ve been here and there and everywhere.  I am fluent in 12 languages. I have this degree and that one and another one on the way…”

I get it.  You are an accomplished woman, and you SHOULD be proud of your accomplishments.  But here’s what you need to know. When a man is reading your profile, he’s tuned into one radio station: WIFM, What’s in it For Me?  

You won’t impress him by trying to sell yourself with a list of your accomplishments.  He wants to know what you’re going to do for HIM. He wants to know what it will be like for HIM to be in a relationship with YOU.

So, you can talk about the wonderful things that are going on in your life.  But then you want to say something like, “I’ve been to 20 countries and there’s five more I can’t wait to explore. Care to join me? Or maybe you could pick a place.  I’m open!”

When a man reads an invitation like that, it sounds enticing and adventurous!  

You could also say, “I am very accepting. I would like to be with someone who accepts me the way I am and who I can accept the way he is.”  Something like this would be very attractive to a man.  

Writing a great dating profile is key if you want to attract the right man. This is the first impression he’s gonna have of you, and you only get one chance to make a first impression.

If you don’t sound like you have room for a man in your life, you’re not inviting and your dating profile sounds like a resume, you won’t be interesting to men.  It won’t matter how beautiful you are or how wonderful your life is, they will pass you by. But now you have 3 dating hacks you can use to stop that from happening!

XOXO,

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