#personalempowerment

Anyone who’s ever dated knows how much it takes to put yourself out there. You really thought about what to say in that email. You crafted precisely-worded texts with extra attention to tone. You likely spent an hour minimum getting ready, and showed up, an uncomfortable mix of vulnerability and Spanx, ready to take a chance.

Given the effort involved, one would hope, out of respect for our shared humanity, that if the other person decides it’s not going anywhere before you do, that they would communicate that in a kind and respectful way.

This is not, as we know, the way it always happens. Sometimes they just stop responding, and slow realization that you have been ghosted pours over you like a thick, bitter ectoplasm.

If this has happened to you, I don’t need to tell you how terrible it feels. But as much as nobody wants to be left holding the smartphone when somebody pulls a drift, the truth is-these things will drag you down into a deep, dark hole if you don’t learn to spin them in a positive way.

I’m here to tell you that GHOSTING, as fun as it isn’t, IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING.

If you think I sound like a Pollyanna for is asking you to see something that sucks that bad in a positive way, may I remind you that this view is also held by the Dalai Lama, the Buddha, and Willie Nelson, but without the backlash. What I am telling you is that if somebody ghosts you, it is ultimately for the best.

Here are a few reasons why:

1) HE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU

If somebody isn’t right for you, he’s done you a favor to let you go. If he’s not meant for you, it’s okay if he disappears. We may continue to wish that people would do it in a more honest and compassionate way, but ultimately-if they are going to make an exit, they may as well make it fast. At the end of the day, they are giving you the gift of not wasting your time, and leaving you open for the right person to come in.

2) IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN

Getting ghosted is an opportunity to practice some of the essential principles of Emotionally Naked Dating. You can use this as an opportunity to speak up, and ask for what you want in a kind and loving way.

Rather than walk away with hurt feelings, reach out to him, and speak your truth. You could say, “I was really enjoying getting to know you, and I thought we had made a connection. I’m sorry that you don’t feel the same. I wish you all the best in your journey. It was lovely getting to meet you.”

When people I’m coaching send these emails, 9 out of 10 times, they get a message back that says, “I’m so sorry, my bad. I should have contacted you. I don’t think we’re a match.”

If the interaction ends this way, then he will have taken responsibility for his actions, and you have taken responsibility for your feelings. It ends with an exchange of human kindness, and you don’t end up carrying around another bag of resentment you don’t need. You may not have changed the outcome, but you have taken control of how the situation ends for you.

You want to date according to your values, and by sending a message in the right way, you create a virtuous cycle by becoming the change you want to see in the dating world.

Another possibility is that he is disarmed by your emotional intelligence, honest and direct, yet generous and loving, that he realizes- “Hey, maybe I’m running away from something here. Maybe we really are a match.”

If you send him that message, and he doesn’t respond at all, he isn’t what you are looking for. The point is that you have the opportunity to hone your own Emotionally Naked voice. This is the voice of love and compassion, and it takes practice and awareness to develop.

One of the biggest problems I see for many couples is that they don’t know how to talk to each other in a way that isn’t painful, attacking, or judgemental. I struggled with this a lot myself, until I realized that what I thought was helping the relationship was actually pushing men away because they didn’t feel safe.

In order to be Emotionally Naked, you need to be able to tell the truth in a way that strengthens, rather than damages the relationship. Once you do this, it creates a safe space where real intimacy can grow.

3) IT MAKES SPACE FOR THE RIGHT ONE

If you’re a really wonderful person with a kind heart, and you handle things in the best possible way- including the occasional ghost, then not only will you be rid of the wrong person faster to make space for the right one, you will have developed your Naked Dating voice to guide you through these experiences, and you will generate a positive, radiant energy around you as you date.

When you feel good about how you’re showing up, and you generate this loving energy, it becomes natural that you will draw that loving energy to you.

If you want to find out more about how to create a playful, loving rapport with a man in a way that is inviting, welcoming, and safe, let’s jump on a call. Click here to schedule a free one-hour breakthrough session.

And in the meantime, lay off Pollyanna. She never really got the credit she deserves. In fact, if you haven’t, go watch the movie. It’s beautiful.

XO,

Today, I am going to share three dating profile hacks that I stole from my husband, Benjamin.  He is kind enough to help me write the profiles for the women in my private coaching group. To do this, I first interview the client.  Then, Benjamin reads through my notes. And finally, we write the profile together.

We must be doing something right because our profiles get rave reviews. My clients tell me all the time how much the men love them… and why wouldn’t they?  They’re written with the help of a quality man who knows what he’s talking about!

I’m excited to share these tips with you today.  This is the kind of stuff most people don’t know about.  And these three tips alone can catapult your profile from average to exceptional.  

Okay… are you ready?  Then, let’s do this thing!

Dating Profile Hack #1: Show that you have room in your life for a man

When Benjamin reads over my notes from the client interview, he will often make a comment like,

“She seems like a lovely woman, but she doesn’t appear to have room in her life for a man.  Or, at least her desire for a partner isn’t coming across in the way she talks.”

Now, Benjamin isn’t saying that the woman doesn’t WANT to share her life with a man.  She wouldn’t be coaching with me if that were true. What he’s saying is that, from what she’s saying, it doesn’t SOUND like she has room in her life for a man.

When you write your profile, you want to talk about the wonderful things you have going on in your life.  You want to talk about your fabulous friends, your kids, your job and your trips to the four corners of the earth.  But you don’t want to sound like your life is so full a man would to have to fit between all the things you have going on.  

In your profile, you should have a line that says something like, “Hey, I have this incredible life. I built it this way. And now the one missing piece is the right guy to share it with.”

You also need to consider that the kind of man you want to date already has a full and rich life of HIS own.  Like you, he has a wonderful job, kids, friends, hobbies, responsibilities… and he’s going to want you to be willing to fit into HIS world.  He’ll want you to go to business dinners with him and become a part of his life, as well.

Maybe you’re gonna have to go camping or pick up a sport or take up yoga, if that’s what he’s into. One of my girlfriends was not very athletic but she got into Bikram yoga with her guy because that’s what he was into. Now she loves it!

You’ve got to also show that you’re open to a man. One of my clients put the following into her profile with great success.  She wrote, “If you have hobbies, I would love to explore them with you!” At 60 years old it didn’t take her long to meet a great guy online, and it was all because she was so open.

Dating Profile Hack #2:  Show that you have an edge

After reading my notes, Benjamin often says, “It seems like this woman lacks an edge.” What he means by that is she’s too perfect. She’s nice and sweet and kind… but there’s nothing spontaneous or unpredictable about her. She never lets her guard down. She’s so nice, she’s boring.  

What does an edge sound like?  Here’s what one client said in her profile interview:

“I’ve been trying lots of new foods that I have never tried before. I’m learning to like seafood. I tried my first oyster last week. I like lobster and crab, but an oyster was the most advanced in this field. I tried it!  It was pretty brave. I had to text everybody. People were like, “No way. You tried an oyster?”

Here’s another example of an edge:

“I’m fully capable of being an adult when the situation calls for it, but there is a childlike quality to me that I hope will never die. The beauty of this is that I not only can I dish it out; I can take it… so bring it. I’m a prankster at heart, but I know just how far to take it!”

You want a man to know that you’re not too perfect.  You do this by saying something fun and quirky and out-of-the-box in your profile. This will make you seem a little playful and spontaneous. We’re all looking for a playmate to have fun with.

Remember, the saying isn’t “girls are made of sugar and everything nice.”  It’s “girls are made of sugar and SPICE and everything nice.” So, don’t be afraid to add a little spice to your profile if you want to attract the attention of the best guys!

Dating Profile Hack #3:  Make your profile an invitation, not a presentation

Many women write profiles that read like a resume. “I’ve got this and I’ve got that and I’ve been here and there and everywhere.  I am fluent in 12 languages. I have this degree and that one and another one on the way…”

I get it.  You are an accomplished woman, and you SHOULD be proud of your accomplishments.  But here’s what you need to know. When a man is reading your profile, he’s tuned into one radio station: WIFM, What’s in it For Me?  

You won’t impress him by trying to sell yourself with a list of your accomplishments.  He wants to know what you’re going to do for HIM. He wants to know what it will be like for HIM to be in a relationship with YOU.

So, you can talk about the wonderful things that are going on in your life.  But then you want to say something like, “I’ve been to 20 countries and there’s five more I can’t wait to explore. Care to join me? Or maybe you could pick a place.  I’m open!”

When a man reads an invitation like that, it sounds enticing and adventurous!  

You could also say, “I am very accepting. I would like to be with someone who accepts me the way I am and who I can accept the way he is.”  Something like this would be very attractive to a man.  

Writing a great dating profile is key if you want to attract the right man. This is the first impression he’s gonna have of you, and you only get one chance to make a first impression.

If you don’t sound like you have room for a man in your life, you’re not inviting and your dating profile sounds like a resume, you won’t be interesting to men.  It won’t matter how beautiful you are or how wonderful your life is, they will pass you by. But now you have 3 dating hacks you can use to stop that from happening!

XOXO,