Anyone who’s ever dated knows how much it takes to put yourself out there. You really thought about what to say in that email. You crafted precisely-worded texts with extra attention to tone. You likely spent an hour minimum getting ready, and showed up, an uncomfortable mix of vulnerability and Spanx, ready to take a chance.
Given the effort involved, one would hope, out of respect for our shared humanity, that if the other person decides it’s not going anywhere before you do, that they would communicate that in a kind and respectful way.
This is not, as we know, the way it always happens. Sometimes they just stop responding, and slow realization that you have been ghosted pours over you like a thick, bitter ectoplasm.
If this has happened to you, I don’t need to tell you how terrible it feels. But as much as nobody wants to be left holding the smartphone when somebody pulls a drift, the truth is-these things will drag you down into a deep, dark hole if you don’t learn to spin them in a positive way.
I’m here to tell you that GHOSTING, as fun as it isn’t, IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING.
If you think I sound like a Pollyanna for is asking you to see something that sucks that bad in a positive way, may I remind you that this view is also held by the Dalai Lama, the Buddha, and Willie Nelson, but without the backlash. What I am telling you is that if somebody ghosts you, it is ultimately for the best.
Here are a few reasons why:
1) HE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU
If somebody isn’t right for you, he’s done you a favor to let you go. If he’s not meant for you, it’s okay if he disappears. We may continue to wish that people would do it in a more honest and compassionate way, but ultimately-if they are going to make an exit, they may as well make it fast. At the end of the day, they are giving you the gift of not wasting your time, and leaving you open for the right person to come in.
2) IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN
Getting ghosted is an opportunity to practice some of the essential principles of Emotionally Naked Dating. You can use this as an opportunity to speak up, and ask for what you want in a kind and loving way.
Rather than walk away with hurt feelings, reach out to him, and speak your truth. You could say, “I was really enjoying getting to know you, and I thought we had made a connection. I’m sorry that you don’t feel the same. I wish you all the best in your journey. It was lovely getting to meet you.”
When people I’m coaching send these emails, 9 out of 10 times, they get a message back that says, “I’m so sorry, my bad. I should have contacted you. I don’t think we’re a match.”
If the interaction ends this way, then he will have taken responsibility for his actions, and you have taken responsibility for your feelings. It ends with an exchange of human kindness, and you don’t end up carrying around another bag of resentment you don’t need. You may not have changed the outcome, but you have taken control of how the situation ends for you.
You want to date according to your values, and by sending a message in the right way, you create a virtuous cycle by becoming the change you want to see in the dating world.
Another possibility is that he is disarmed by your emotional intelligence, honest and direct, yet generous and loving, that he realizes- “Hey, maybe I’m running away from something here. Maybe we really are a match.”
If you send him that message, and he doesn’t respond at all, he isn’t what you are looking for. The point is that you have the opportunity to hone your own Emotionally Naked voice. This is the voice of love and compassion, and it takes practice and awareness to develop.
One of the biggest problems I see for many couples is that they don’t know how to talk to each other in a way that isn’t painful, attacking, or judgemental. I struggled with this a lot myself, until I realized that what I thought was helping the relationship was actually pushing men away because they didn’t feel safe.
In order to be Emotionally Naked, you need to be able to tell the truth in a way that strengthens, rather than damages the relationship. Once you do this, it creates a safe space where real intimacy can grow.
3) IT MAKES SPACE FOR THE RIGHT ONE
If you’re a really wonderful person with a kind heart, and you handle things in the best possible way- including the occasional ghost, then not only will you be rid of the wrong person faster to make space for the right one, you will have developed your Naked Dating voice to guide you through these experiences, and you will generate a positive, radiant energy around you as you date.
When you feel good about how you’re showing up, and you generate this loving energy, it becomes natural that you will draw that loving energy to you.
If you want to find out more about how to create a playful, loving rapport with a man in a way that is inviting, welcoming, and safe, let’s jump on a call. Click here to schedule a free one-hour breakthrough session.
And in the meantime, lay off Pollyanna. She never really got the credit she deserves. In fact, if you haven’t, go watch the movie. It’s beautiful.