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Men, Want More Hanky Panky & a Happier Partner?

Men, Want More Hanky Panky & a Happier Partner?

Men, Want More Hanky Panky & a Happier Partner?

Read On!

According to John Gottman, renowned psychologist and relationship expert, women have two major complaints about men:

  1. He’s never there for me
  2. There isn’t enough intimacy and connection in the relationship

I’ve heard the same thing from many of my female clients struggling in their own relationships. It’s hard to have a naked relationship when they don’t feel like their male counterparts are truly there for them. It isn’t simply that they aren’t around enough or that they’re cheating, it’s that they aren’t there for them emotionally. They don’t feel like their men hear or understand them. Left unchecked, these disappointments can be the downfall of a relationship. When I talk about a having naked relationship, I am talking about one that’s emotionally open, but in this case, I am also talking about getting physically naked, too. If a woman doesn’t feel emotionally connected to her partner, odds are she isn’t going to want to have sex with him.

When my husband and I got married, one of his vows was that he would be a guardian of my soul. He promised to be there for me in every way—to listen to me, care for me, and safeguard my heart. For the 14 years we’ve been married, he’s stayed true to his word.

I’ll admit, he’s a rare breed, but one of the things that keeps our relationship so strong is our willingness to practice a simple skill everyday that Gottman refers to as attunement. It doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but when cultivated over time, it can truly transform a relationship.

Attunement essentially means you’re listening to your partner without judgment or pretense.

A – Awareness

T – Turning Toward

T – Tolerance

U – Understanding

N – Non-defensive Responding

E – Empathy

“When men ‘attune’ to their women,” Gottman explains, “there is less fighting, more frequent (and better) sex, and both men and women no longer feel so alone. The fights of many couples result from men dismissing women’s emotions instead of attuning to them. You dismiss woman’s emotions every time you try to fix them, distract her from them, minimize them, mock them, or ignore them altogether.”

Here are 10 ways to start attuning to your partner and strengthening your relationship today!

  1. Give your undivided attention when your partner is sharing with you. Put away your iPhone, turn off the TV.
  2. Make eye contact.
  3. Show genuine interest in trying to understand why she’s talking about a particular issue.
  4. Ask open-ended questions. For example, rather than simply asking “are you upset?” you might say, “You seem upset, is anything going on?”
  5. Listen without giving advice or immediately trying to fix the problem.
  6. Try to feel how she is feeling whether or not you agree.
  7. Validate how she’s feeling. “The emotional part of the brain calms down when it feels connected to another person and not alone. Show empathy,” Gottman suggests. How cool is that?
  8. Create opportunities for connection in small ways every day. For example, set aside 10 minutes every evening to share your day with no interruptions, or take turns giving each other a short massage.
  9. Identify shared goals. For example, maybe you both want to exercise more or plan a dream vacation together in the next 12 months.
  10. When you experience conflict, genuinely ask yourself: “Am I turning toward my partner, or am I turning away?”

When you’re in a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into bad habits and start to disregard your partner’s feelings. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) talks about how many couples today are so isolated that they become each other’s sole emotional support system. So, if you’re not tuning into your partner’s needs, she can start to feel incredibly alone and alienated from the person she loves most.

It only takes a few small steps to reignite the connection between the two of you and bring back the spark that attracted you to each other in the first place. And remember, when she gets more of she wants from the relationship, you’ll get more of what you want—a happy partner and more sex!

If you are having trouble attuning to your partner book a consult with me to see how I can help.

Men, Want More Hanky Panky & a Happier Partner?

 

The guy I’m seeing told me he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, but I really like him. Should I back off or just quit seeing him altogether?


The guy I'm seeing told me he doesn't have strong feelings for me. Should I put some distance between us of just stop seeing him altogether?

The guy I’m seeing told me he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, but I really like him. Should I back off or just quit seeing him altogether?

Hey Lisa,

I need some advice. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and a half and things are going well. We’ve gone on three dinner dates, have been to trivia and dinner several times and even won trivia twice. He made me dinner and we spend time together watching shows we like. I even helped him find a new puppy. BUT…he is in the navy and will be gone for a few months in a few weeks and then when he gets back he is moving in November.  Also, he was married before and told me he knew he would marry his ex wife the week he met her and married her 4 months later. When I asked him how he feels about me he said he likes me, and thinks we are compatible but doesn’t have strong feelings like that for me. I really like him, but ever since he told me that my self worth has been ruined. What should I do? Quit seeing him? Back off? I don’t know what to do and need your help.

Tamara

Hi Tamara,

First, I want to commend you for having the courage to get emotionally naked and ask your navy man how he really feels about you. Many women would have gone along in the relationship without finding out the truth. I am sure it was really hard to hear that he doesn’t have strong feelings for you, but I think it was pretty thoughtless of him to compare his feelings for you to the way he felt about his ex-wife. You even wrote that your self-esteem has been ruined because of what he said. It might help you keep things in perspective to know that, for all of his enthusiasm and certainty about his former wife, she’s his ex. So much for knowing he was going to marry her after the first week. I’m wondering how long it took him to realize he’d made a mistake and that e was headed for a divorce!

Considering he’s leaving and he told you he doesn’t have strong feelings for you, I don’t think the relationship is going to turn into something long term. While you might not want to hear this, you need to know that many men stay in a relationship with a woman they have no intention of committing to because she is sweet and she’s meeting their sexual needs.

You asked if you should take a step back or end it altogether. My question for you is: do you want to wait until he leaves or finds someone new, or do you want to act from a place of power and be the one to break it off?  If you the initiative to end it, you  might just get some of your self-esteem back. And more importantly, you deserve to be with a man who adores you and feels lucky to be with you.

On another note: why did he get a puppy if he’s planning on leaving?

Much love,

Lisa

 

If you or anyone you know is having trouble dating or finding the right relationship, hiring a coach might be the answer you need. Click here to book a sample consult to find out how I can help:

The guy I'm dating told me he doesn't have strong feelings for me...

 

The Worst Dating Advice Ever

My friend, Justin Stenstrom, over at Elite Man Magazine is today’s guest blogger.  He wrote a fascinating piece about bad dating advice. While I don’t agree with everything Justin says–like I do think two people who are seriously seeking a lasting relationship should wait to have sex– I always find it intriguing to hear the perspective of my fellow coaches. Hope you enjoy!

The Worst Dating Advice Ever: 15 Things To Avoid

The Worst Dating Advice Ever

We’ve all gotten advice at some point or another in our lives. People love giving their two cents to others when it concerns something they presume themselves to be an expert in. They want nothing more than to help. But a lot of the time they don’t!

Not only do these self-described “experts” oftentimes have no real clue about what works and what doesn’t, the advice they dish out can frequently make things worse.

Take dating advice for example. People spew out dating advice to friends like Mt. Vesuvius spews out hot lava to Pompeians. Horrible advice after more horrible advice is lent onto unsuspecting and vulnerable men and women each and every day. The collateral damage of these poor recommendations can only be hypothesized. But rest assured, it’s not pretty!

Here are 15 examples of the absolute worst dating advice out there.

To read the rest of the article, click this link: http://elitemanmagazine.com/the-worst-dating-advice-ever-15-things-to-avoid/

 

Being Too Strong Won’t Attract The Right Man

being too strong

Right before my 40th birthday it hit me: being too strong wasn’t attracting the right man. It had been eight years since I divorced my first husband. I’d spent most of this time working on myself. Now it was time to put myself back on the dating circuit. As I started going out on dates, I began to question some of my long held beliefs about men, women, and relationships. Because I was a strong and independent woman, I had always thought that my ideal man would have to be stronger than me so that he would “challenge me” and “take the lead.” Now I began to wonder if there was a flaw in my thinking. Was the fact that I was being too strong and independent inadvertently attracting the wrong men and pushing the right ones away?

It occurred to me that, if I wanted a man to take the lead, I needed to stop being too strong and independent. If I wanted a man to be stronger than me, I needed to stop competing with him. And if I wanted a man to be the man, I needed to start thinking and behaving more like the woman.

But what did it mean to “be the woman?” I honestly didn’t know. When I was nine, my father jilted my mother, leaving her heartbroken and humiliated. One wintery afternoon when I was fifteen, my mother and I were walking around a Midwestern shopping mall when she told me never to rely on men. “Don’t ever let a man do to you what your father did to me,” she said, trying to protect me from men like my father. Then, lifting a line from a seedy Sidney Sheldon novel, she said something I will never forget. “Remember: when they’re hard they’re soft and when they’re soft they’re hard.” Thanks Mom! Words to live by!

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You have to laugh. I mean, who quotes Sidney Sheldon to her 15-year-old daughter? But I was young and impressionable, and I took my mother’s advice to heart. I decided right then and there that I would never need a man for anything, and for many years, I didn’t.

As I got older, I pushed men away to test them and see if they were “man enough” for me. Or, if I felt an immediate attraction, I would pursue them and sleep with them right away. It never occurred to me to question my behavior. I just assumed that one day the right man would come along—one who would “get me” and know how to “handle” me.

It wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I realized there is a word for men who know how to “handle” women: They’re called players! Because I couldn’t push these men around or push them away, I made the mistake of thinking that they were “real men” and that they were interested in getting to know me. Men who were “too available” bored me to tears, but the players I met were tenacious. They knew what they wanted and they went for it. I loved the feeling of being pursued by a man who seemed to know what he wanted—especially when what he wanted was me.

I didn’t understand at the time that players are really only after the thrill of the chase. They aren’t interested in getting to know us at all. They just want sex. To them, it’s all a game. The harder we make them work, the more fun it is for them. Ultimately, if it doesn’t work out with one woman, they’ll just try again with someone else. That’s a comforting thought.

This all makes perfect sense to me now. Think about it: when a man is attracted to a woman and she rejects him, he feels hurt and he figures she isn’t interested. It’s ridiculous to think that he should keep coming back for more rejection. If a man rejected me, I wouldn’t keep pursuing him—would you? There are many unflattering words in the English language for people who keep coming back and don’t get the hint: needy, anxious, clueless, masochistic…

Once I realized how flawed my thinking had been, it changed my entire approach to dating. I began to have more respect for men. I stopped being too strong and independent and I started looking for ways to empower men so that they felt that they could take the lead. I also stopped looking for some immediate chemical rush and started looking for a connection that felt grounded and real. I stopped thinking that relationships should be complicated and challenging and started believing that they could be open, honest, and easy. I stopped finding unavailable men attractive and started opening up to the men who were attracted to me. But most of all, I admitted to myself that I wanted a man in my life, and in order to have that, I had to start trusting them. When I accepted this, I softened and became more open and vulnerable. It wasn’t long before I attracted a real man—one who knows how to take care of a woman and who loves taking care of me.

If you want to discover Naked Dating and learn how to attract the love of your life, feel free to book a free consultation with me, Lisa Shield, by clicking here:

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ASK LISA: Can I trust my boyfriend again?

My boyfriend posted a profile on Match.com looking for “friends.” Can I trust him again if he takes it down?

bigstock-A-worried-and-afraid-young-wom-13032743Lisa,

I don’t know what to do. Five months ago Adam and I started dating. When we met, he was the sweetest guy and I thought I had found someone I could spend my life with. He’s from a small town and he seemed to have old-fashioned values and know how to treat a girl. But then the most awful thing happened. I found out through friends that he had posted a profile on Match.com and that he actually emailed a couple of my girlfriends. He hasn’t met all of my friends, so he didn’t know that they were friends of mine, but my friends had seen his picture. When I confronted him, he said that he had put on his profile that he was only looking for friends. I don’t know what to do. All of my friends think that I should break up with him. The problem is that I lost my virginity to him and I still have feelings for him. I also don’t understand why he still wants me to be his girlfriend if he is looking for more than just friends on Match.com. Do you think if I ask him to take down the profile and he does that I can trust him? And what if he really was just looking for friends?

Thanks for your help,

Alana

 

Hi Alana,

While I think your friends are right, ideally you should break up with Adam, I know that, on a physical level, this won’t be easy to do. You lost your virginity to him and the two of you have a sexual bond. Whenever you are sexually involved with someone, your body produces hormones that cause you to feel connected to that person. (Scientists are not positive, but they think that the hormone in women that causes us to bond is called Oxytocin.) So, even if your mind tells you to break up with him, as long as you keep seeing him, your body will keep telling you not to break up with him. Every time you see and smell him—yes, smell him—you will feel aroused. As harsh as this sounds: the best and fastest way to break that bond is by and not having any further contact with him.

So why should you break up with Adam? Here’s the deal: There isn’t a woman on this planet who would be okay with her boyfriend going on Match.com to look for “friends.” So, either Adam is incredibly naïve or he thinks you’re stupid enough to believe his ridiculous story. Either way, it’s not good. A guy with a girlfriend doesn’t go on a dating site to look for friends. Everyone knows that, if you want to find friends, you go on Facebook—that’s what it’s for. You can ask him to take the profile down, but in my experience, you are going to be paranoid and have a hard time trusting anything he says from now on. Relationships are built on one thing: trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Can trust be rebuilt in relationships? Absolutely, but it takes two mature adults who are willing to really work on themselves and the relationship to make that happen. I don’t get the feeling that Adam is very mature. Alana, if you stay in this, you will only lose respect for yourself. Get out before you get hurt anymore.

With love,

Lisa

 

 

 

Want A Relationship? Why You Shouldn’t Have Casual Sex [EXPERT]

 

It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the overwhelming majority of women can’t have a hot, casual, sexual relationship with a man and not get hooked in. It simply doesn’t work.

Without fail, every one of my clients who says that she is just going to have a casual, sexual relationship with a guy until the right one comes along, gets attached and hurt in the end. For women, sex is both an emotional and a physical experience, so most eventually wind up having feelings for the guy and hoping that he will fall in love with them. 4 Reasons Why Women Should Masturbate More Often [EXPERT]

For men, sex can be purely physical. I am not saying that men can never connect the physical and the emotional when it comes to sex, but unlike women, they can separate the emotional and physical, allowing them to have recreational sex without getting attached.

What further complicates matters is that men and women don’t seem to understand each other. Women get angry with men for remaining emotionless and unattached, and men get angry with women for developing feelings for them when read more

Will you be disappointed if he doesn't call?

MUSINGS IN THE SHOWER 1

Musings in the Shower 1

I don’t know about you, but I do some of my best thinking in the shower.  Today was especially interesting.

Sundays are the day I spend with my hubby, and you know what happens on the days you spend with your mate.  Needless to say, sex was in the forefront of my mind.

As my thoughts wandered, I began to think about how we simply aren’t meant to be monogamous.  I understand why monogamy is a good idea, but it’s not what Mother Nature ever had in store for us.  You don’t have to be a sociologist to understand why the only thing Mamma Nature cares about is procreation.  Think about it.  Way back when, there was no birth control, and there probably wasn’t any self-control, either.  Do you remember what it was like to go through puberty?  I am certain that the first humans did not try to suppress their natural urges and find out first if their partner was interested in a long term, committed relationship.  They didn’t check each other’s pedigrees or get their parent’s permission.  They were in hormonal overdrive, and they went for it.  A man saw a woman he wanted and he probably took her, dragged her into the bushes, and had her right then and there.

I can only assume that, once she gave birth, a woman was fair game and became impregnated again almost immediately.  It just makes sense.  There is safety in numbers and, larger tribes could defend themselves better against attacks.  Which leads me to rape and pillage, but I don’t need to get into that. 

It’s humbling to think about all of this.   I don’t even have children.  I never wanted them.  Luckily, I had choice in the matter.  I don’t want to ever take that for granted.  For me, it was a great blessing to be able choose whether or not I wanted to be a mother.  All things considered, I find this remarkable.

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