Like most of the women I coach, you probably have a wonderful life — friends who adore you, a career that you love, and a beautiful home. And you have every right to feel damned proud of your accomplishments. But still, despite everything you’ve done, you can’t seem to attract a quality man. Not only doesn’t this make sense, but it must also feel horribly unfair. Especially when you watch other women who are not nearly as attractive or accomplished as you are living the life of YOUR dreams — getting engaged and married, traveling to exotic places with their guys, and having babies. How is it possible that you can’t find just one guy that you’re crazy about and who wants to share his life with you?
I feel your pain and frustration, and I know you want answers. So let me tell you what’s really going on. The issue here is that you are not owning your self-worth… at least not when it comes to men. You are perfectly fine believing in yourself when it comes to the rest of your life, but you haven’t been able to channel that same level self-confidence into your love life… yet.
You’re probably thinking, “But I don’t have a problem with my self-worth. I really like who I am and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.” Most of my clients say the same thing.
But here’s the deal, if you are blaming the dating sites, bad timing, or whatever, for your lack of success on men, then you are in victim mode. I know. I just used the “v” word, but it’s true. If you are playing the blame game, you are in victim mode which means you are not operating from a place of self-confidence. I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re in victim mode. It’s because, right now, there’s a mean, critical voice in your head that I call your Frenemy and it’s running the show.
Here’s the deal, a truly self-confident woman who knows she’s all that AND a bag of chips doesn’t blame anyone or anything for where she is in her life. Why? Because she’s tuned in to a different inner voice, the one I call your Naked Dater. This is confident, encouraging voice tells her she’s capable of creating ANYTHING she puts her mind to, whether it’s a gorgeous home, a dinner party that people are still talking about, a new business that will make a difference in the world, or charming that dreamy man sitting across from her on a date. It’s supportive and it helps her gets things done. And, if she can’t figure something out herself, it tells her it’s okay to ask for help. The one thing it doesn’t do is encourage her to sit around and play the blame game.
No one knows how hard dating can be more than me. For most of my life, I was a disaster when it came to dating, relationships, and men. And like many of you, I spent a lot of time letting my Frenemy run wild and get me to blame the outside world for my problems. No matter how amazing I tried to tell myself I was, my Frenemy kept stopping me from doing the one thing that mattered most to me: attract an amazing man. Anytime I sat in front of a man I found attractive, my Frenemy ripped me to shreds and caused my inflated sense of self-confidence to fall flat.
Finally, right before my 40th birthday, I figured it out that I needed to get a handle on that voice. I decided to make up my own inner guide, one who was the opposite of my Frenemy. I gave my Frenemy a name, Hudy, after my grandmother, Helen, and my mother, Judy. I named my inner guide my Naked Dater.
My Naked Dater is wise and compassionate and kind. I told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it’s only a part of what attracts men, and it encouraged me to study these self-confident women. I asked myself, “What do they have that I don’t have? Where does their self-confidence come from? What is it about them that is so captivating to men?” Listening to this new voice led me to a whole new way of being on dates with men.
So, now it’s time for you to start listen to your Naked Dater and start showing up as the woman you are in the rest of your life. Let’s explore into the mindset of a truly confident woman who is letting her Naked Dater be her guide and see how she truly thinks about men and finding love.
She Doesn’t Date Half-Assed
I hear this scenario all the time, “Oh, I just went on Bumble, and I just wanted to see…” So you threw up a picture and you didn’t really put much time into your profile. You had a few conversations, but nothing major. Basically, you were dabbling. And, so, of course, the results you got weren’t that great, and now you’ve sworn off online dating because it didn’t work for you. Most importantly, you don’t have to feel like you failed because you never really tried.
A confident woman isn’t tentative. She doesn’t just dip her toe in the water. Whether she’s meeting people online or offline, she plays full out. She walks out of the house dressed for success… meaning she doesn’t run around in athleisurewear 24/7. She dresses the part of a sensual, successful, single to make sure she stands out in a crowd and gets male attention! She also puts real effort into dating the apps and websites and doesn’t play games. She checks the sites regularly, initiates with the guys who grab her attention, she writes back immediately. She goes for what she wants.
She Let’s Things Roll off Her Back and Keeps Going
Right now, if I were to ask you how your dating is going, there is a good chance you would launch into a whole story about how awful it is out there. You might illustrate your point by sharing about the last couple of guys who ghosted you online or how you get hit on by all these much younger and older men. You would tell me how you just want to meet someone in the real world, organically, like you did when you were in college. Look, it can be rough out there, but I don’t care who you are, everyone has to deal with the same s*#t. That’s just the way it is.
I go to a popular gym in LA. One day I heard a very handsome man next to me talking to his trainer about how some woman ghosted him. I started to laugh and told the guy I am a dating coach and that my clients would find it funny to know that someone like him had been ghosted. Later my trainer said to me, “Do you know what that was?” I didn’t. He said, “You know Grey’s Anatomy?” Never watch the show. “Well, THAT was McSteamy.” Case in point. This kind of thing happens to EVERYONE. Get over it.
A confident woman doesn’t try to use male attention to prove who she is. She knows who she is. If a guy ghosts her, she may sit back and say, “Damn. He was hot. I was really liking this one. I wonder what happened.” But she doesn’t say, “This keeps happening. Why can’t I find a good guy? There must be something wrong with me? ” She doesn’t blame external factors when things don’t work out and she doesn’t take rejection personally. She sees disappointment as an inherent part of the dating process and keeps going because she knows that it’s only a matter of time before she finds love.
She Believes It Will Work Out for Her
Women who lack confidence and are victim mode are always on the verge of giving. With every mounting disappointment, their shame around being single increases, their fire diminishes, and they become less attractive. It’s a vicious cycle.
Perhaps the biggest tell-tale sign of a confident woman is that she knows that she will find what she’s looking for. It might take a little time for that to happen. It could be six months or a year, but she believes that it will happen to her. Why? Because she knows she’s worthy of finding that true love. She realizes that her self-confidence is a reflection of her belief that she is loveable.
And that’s the whole thing, right? If you’re radiating that confident, easy energy then that’s only going to expedite the whole dating process for you. When you truly embrace who you are and know you’re worthy of having that beautiful relationship you want, then men will naturally be attracted to you… and a self-confident woman understands that this is how it works.
She Seeks Out a Professional
Women who are in victim mode and see the world as against them don’t see a way out of their situation. They feel that they are just one of the unlucky ones and, after a while, they decide that love and partnership just weren’t in the cards for them and they let the most important part of life slip through their hands.
A woman who knows her self-worth is the kind of woman doesn’t have time to waste playing games or figuring things out on her own. She’d rather just hire professionals to write her a stellar profile and take professional pictures so she gets it right from the start. She’s determined to get results. She sees nothing weak or wrong in asking for help. She’s able to see that she’s not perfect, there are gaps and blind spots in her knowledge, so she wants to make herself even more confident by going after what she wants with the best information and advice possible.
Don’t let that fear — or what I call the Frenemy — stop you from having the love you seek. You’ve got to switch that fearful voice into the empowering and confident voice of your Naked Dater. If you want to find out how to stop playing the victim, start dating like the kick-ass woman you really are, and meet the man of your dreams in 2019, let’s jump on a call. Book a breakthrough coaching session with me.