Taking Radical Responsibility for Your Relationships
By Lisa Shield
One of the things I talk about quite a lot is taking personal responsibility—radical responsibility for your part in relationships and what’s going on. Many therapists, especially couples therapists, talk about how couples are supposed to work through all these issues and problems together. Our issues line up, and we mirror each other.
When I was out in the dating world after my divorce, I realized that I tried that approach with my ex-husband. We struggled constantly, trying to work through our issues together, but it was a constant struggle. We didn’t go to therapy, but I honestly don’t know how much it would have helped.
Taking Control of Emotional Upsets
As I was dating, I started taking responsibility for myself and my emotional upsets. I thought, why not start working through these issues on my own so I wouldn’t have to put that on a partner? I wanted to get rid of as much of my baggage as possible before entering a new relationship. I wanted to walk in free and clear and have fun.
I decided that if someone said or did something that upset me, I wouldn’t react to them. Instead, I would say thank you or thank you for that information, but I wouldn’t get defensive or angry. I started owning my reactions and taking responsibility for my reactivity. I practiced this with everyone, including my dad and brother, who were huge triggers for me.
Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean
In 12-step programs, there’s a concept of keeping your own side of the street clean. It’s not our business to tell other people what to do, but it is up to us to keep our side of the street clean. I decided that I was not going to react and would instead process my feelings privately.
When I got upset, I would go into a room, allow myself to feel my feelings, and then ask myself, “Lisa, what is this triggering in you? What is the belief or feeling? What kind of story are you creating about what this other person might have meant?”
Practicing Emotional Intelligence
At that time, I was also doing a lot of work with Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements,” particularly focusing on not taking things personally and not making assumptions. I practiced these principles vigilantly because I had been such a victim in my life—super codependent and afraid of people. I had little trust and couldn’t have intimacy because I was so frightened of being attacked by people.
By keeping my side of the street clean and not taking things personally or making assumptions, I started gaining control over my emotions and reactions. I would ask myself, “Lisa, how do you want to handle this situation right here, right now?” This question helped me step back and become proactive instead of reactive.
Meeting My Husband
When I met my husband, I knew that I had healed much of my reactivity. I had honed skills that allowed me not to lash out or take things out on him. I vowed that I would not make my husband my therapist. If I had a serious issue or problem, I would seek professional help rather than burden him with it.
My husband has beautiful boundaries and communicates them kindly, which helps maintain a healthy relationship. This approach allowed me to handle my emotions responsibly and independently.
If you’re single, start cleaning up your side of the street. Handle your emotions independently, and don’t expect your partner to fix you. It’s your responsibility to manage your personal growth. Ask yourself, “How do I want to handle this situation?” Avoid making assumptions and taking things personally. Mastering these skills will set you on the path to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Taking responsibility for your emotions and actions is the key to transforming your romantic relationships. Start today, right now, and you will experience the difference it makes in finding and keeping true love.