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Naked Truth: Is Someone You Love Pushing You Away?

Naked Truth: Is Someone You Love Pushing You Away?

Naked Truth: Is Someone You Love Pushing You Away?

Hi Lisa. I just lost a great woman I’ve been dating for the past year. It was going really well, but then she started nitpicking about things about me that never seemed to bother her before—my dog, where I live—and said she needed space to find herself again. I’m happy to give her that, but it’s been almost three weeks now and I haven’t heard from her. Her family says she’s confused and hurting. It’s painful knowing she’s suffering and there’s nothing I can do to help. I love her and her six-year-old daughter, and I was ready to ask for her hand in marriage… but I can’t wait forever. My question is, do I give her space and see what happens or just let her go?

Thanks,

Rick

 

Hi Rick,

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can tell you really care about this woman. From everything you wrote, it sounds like she has an “avoidant” intimacy style that is causing her to push you away. She’s afraid of getting close and needing someone. The closer the two of you become, the more uncomfortable it gets for her. This fear is so powerful that it causes her to nitpick and push you away. What’s tricky is that she doesn’t know that her fear is what’s causing her to feel uncomfortable. She thinks the reason she starts to feel uncomfortable around you is because you’re not the right person for her.

There are some excellent relationship books that could help you understand attachment styles better. I would start with one called “Attached.” Ninety-nine out of a 100 of my clients who read it say they love it! Two other excellent books about adult attachment theory are “Hold Me Tight” and “Wired for Love.” Another option to consider—if she’s willing—is to see a therapist with her. If she is, in fact, avoidant, she will need the help of a therapist understand where her urge to run away is really coming from and how to stop it. You might also want to take a quick compatibility quiz on the “Attached” website. Here’s the link: www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz You can see what both of your attachment styles are. This information can be crucial to understand what’s happening. From what you’ve written, you seem to have a secure attachment style. When a secure person is in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, it can cause the secure person to become anxious.

My last word of advice: don’t get defensive and block her. I know she broke up with you and it’s really painful, but women are funny. Sometimes, we push men away when we really want them to come back. If you truly adore her like you say you do, I suggest you read these books (or listen to them on audio) and then give her copies. It will be a revelation for both of you. I would love to know how it goes. If you see a therapist, try to find someone who”s done some trainings with John and Julie Gotman or Sue Johnson.

I wish you the very best. I hope this helps, Rick. You sound like a good man.

Warmly,

Lisa

 

Are you struggling in a relationship or trying to figure out how to move forward? Book a consultation with me and see how I can help!

2016 Sexy Life Summit

2016 Sexy Life Summit

2016 Sexy Life Summit

We all have stress in our lives. But when the hard times hit, what’s the first thing that takes a backseat? If you guessed intimacy and sex, you’re right! When we’re stressed out, the best parts of our lives suffer. But what if you could find a way to take the challenges life throws at you and use them to create more passion and more intimacy in your life? How cool would that be?

Tune into the 2016 Sexy Life Summit to hear me and 20 other relationship and self-help experts tell our stories of how we triumphed over trauma and were able to lead sexier and more emotionally intimate lives.

As you know, I love connecting with other cutting edge thinkers in the world of intimacy and sexuality. If you’ve coached with me or read my blog, you might already be familiar with my concept of getting “Naked.” Whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship, getting Naked is about stripping away the protective walls that are keeping you safe and having the guts to expose the real YOU—both in love and in life. And, it’s the subject of my forthcoming book, Naked Dating®.

In my 2016 Sexy Life Summit interview, I share how my life was turned upside down a year ago when my precious husband nearly died from a fleabite! Talk about a horrifying turn of events. Let’s just say that I’ve never felt more naked and vulnerable than when I was facing the real possibility of losing the love of my life.

This 21+ day, free online event is like a “master class” in creating a thriving and sexually connecting life. Here are some of the topics that will be discussed:

  • Dealing with stress and reigniting your desire for intimacy
  • Learning how to enjoy sex again after Menopause or child birth
  • Discovering how to heal from trauma and deal with triggering emotions
  • And much, much more!

If you want start getting Naked and break through the walls that are blocking you from true love and intimacy, you don’t want to miss this.

 

Claim your “seat” by clicking on the link below:

SexyLifeSummit.com/LisaShield

 

XOXO,

 

Lisa

 

Older Women Are More Beautiful

Older Women Are More BeautifulOlder Women Are More Beautiful

Five Things You Should Know About Couples Coaching

Five Things You Should Know About Couples Coaching

Five Things You Should Know About Couples Coaching

As a relationship coach, I know all too well the pain and heartache that can come when two people who were once so deeply in love are struggling to connect. It saddens me to think that so many couples suffer through their problems alone, only to call it quits because they don’t have the tools they need to break through bad patterns and emotional blocks. I’ve made it my life’s work to help struggling couples revitalize their relationships. More couples are seeing me now than ever before, but I’ve realized that most people entering into or considering couples coaching don’t know what to expect from the process, and many are hesitant to give it a try. Here are five things you should know about couples coaching:

  1. Coaching Isn’t Just for Couples in Crisis

I’ve met couples that have suffered through months or even years of hurt but avoided coaching because they weren’t married or thought their problems just weren’t serious enough for them to seek help. Couples coaching is a little like taking care of a house. You wouldn’t wait until your roof was on the verge of collapse before you made the necessary repairs, so why treat your relationship any differently? I coach many couples who have experienced major setbacks and are struggling to “save” their relationships, but I see an equal number who seek out coaching because they want to prevent certain issues from becoming more serious. These couples are crazy about each other, but they’re also human. They hit a bump in the road every so often and want to learn how to stop a negative pattern before it spirals out of control. According to John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” the majority of couples wait until six years after they admit they need help to actually seek it. By then, it’s often too late. You don’t need to wait until you’re on the brink of catastrophe to seek the help of a coach. If you recognize bad patterns or communication blocks in your relationship, do something about it today.

  1. Miracles Happen, but They Take Time

You can’t undo years of negative patterns or stunted communication in one or two coaching sessions. I wish it were that easy. The key to success in coaching is consistency. Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to see a coach at least five times if you want to reap lasting benefits. Food for thought: if half of all marriages end in divorce and the majority of couples seeking therapy quit before they reach the five session mark, maybe it’s a sign that people are giving up a little too soon. I suggest couples commit to seeing me a minimum of three times a month for three months. Most couples see some changes after the first couple of sessions, but they don’t see lasting change until around the three-month mark.

  1. A Good Coach Takes the Side of the Relationship

A good coach isn’t going to side with either member of a couple; she’s going to side with the relationship. At times it may seem like everyone’s against you—when your ego feels threatened or your coach won’t allow you to throw in that little jab at your partner you so badly want to get out—but at the end of the day, your relationship will usually win. Remember that, and learn to be okay with it. 

  1. At First, Things May Seem like They’re Getting Worse

I had a client email me recently in a panic. She and her husband had seen me for a couple sessions and she told me she felt like things were getting worse. She didn’t know what to do. This may sound surprising, but her reaction isn’t uncommon. Coaching brings a lot of stuff to the surface… stuff you haven’t been talking about and would probably rather not look at. Your partner may bring up a disagreement you thought was ancient history, or you may discover some new truths about yourself or your partner. A coach’s job is to listen to each member of the partnership, recognize patterns that might be contributing to problems in the relationship, and help facilitate discussion. It can be painful to rehash past arguments and disappointments in the moment—and even more difficult to take responsibility, but the long-term results can be transformative.

  1. Things will Get Better

Couples coaching is about building trust—trust in your partner and trust in the coaching process. As you delve deeper into the process and start understanding the patterns that drive your behavior, you will start to feel more in tune with your partner and with the relationship itself. You’ll learn how to effectively communicate your wants and needs, support your partner with love and compassion, and start seeing your relationship as a vehicle for your own growth and learning. Instead of feeling like you need to pull away from your partner when things get tough, you’ll start leaning in, and as you get closer, love and romance flourish.

The Right Fight

Many years ago, I realized that if I could just figure out how to have a peaceful, loving relationship then everything else in my life would fall into place. I was right. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now and I believe more than ever that having a secure, committed, harmonious relationship is the foundation for a happy life. When I realized how many other people were struggling in their relationships I was compelled to help. In the 13 years I’ve been coaching I have seen how transformative these sessions can be. Couples who were ready to write off their relationships for good are often amazed when they realize how effective the coaching process can be. Don’t get me wrong; for some couples, the first few sessions can get a little dicey. But hang in there. Commit to the process and let go of the idea of instant gratification. It may take time, but I promise you it’s worth it. There is nothing more beautiful than sharing your life with the person you love; if you’re going to fight for anything, don’t fight with your partner—fight for your relationship!

If you and your partner are struggling to connect, set up a coaching consult today!

 

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How to Spot a Cheater

 

How to Spot a Cheater

How to Spot a Cheater

When I was in my thirties, I had a relationship with a ridiculously handsome guy from Oaxaca named Juan Carlos. I was crazy about him— his boyish smile, his tan skin, his big, chestnut eyes. And don’t even get me started on his accent… I never knew my name could sound so exotic… until I heard it leave his lips. Needless to say, I was totally hooked. My gut told me it was all a little too good to be true, but when I listened to the way he rolled his Rs… all reason went out the window. If I had only know then how to spot a cheater!

Of all places, Juan Carlos and I met in a cemetery in Oaxaca on the Day of the Dead. I was there buying folk art for my Mexican import company. When he smiled at me from among the candle lit graves, I was hit by one of those thunderbolts you only read about in romance novels. Six months later, he moved to New Mexico to live and work with me.

Now, he was planning a trip back to Mexico to visit family—or so I thought. As he packed, a greeting card fell out of his knapsack and landed on the floor in front of me. I couldn’t help but see it and ask who it was from. He snatched the card up, told me it was nothing, and then shoved it back in his bag. I asked him again who had written it and he shouted, “¡Dejalo!” Leave it alone. His tone was cold and I knew something was wrong. That night I waited until he was asleep and found the card in his bag.

The card was from Margarita, a female friend he’d been hanging out with from his English class. Clearly, she was in love with him. In her note, she went on and one about how wonderful he was, how he’d changed her life, and how she’d miss him while he was away. This shocked me, but not half as much as what came next. Margarita wrote that she was sorry she hadn’t met Juan Carlos before he’d met his girlfriend—Carmen. Carmen?! Wasn’t she Juan Carlos’ ex back in Mexico? I thought I was his girlfriend!

Alarm bells sounded in my head. It seemed that Carmen and Juan Carlos weren’t such ancient history, after all. Then, the floor fell out from under me. He wasn’t going back to Mexico to see his family, he was going back to see her. When I got my phone bill the next month, I saw that I had been paying for his long distance affair all along.

Not only did I feel totally destroyed inside, I felt completely taken advantage of. Looking back, there were warning signs all along—I just didn’t want to face up to them. Remember, this was 1990 BC (before cell phones). That letter from Margarita was the prehistoric version of a scandalous text. When friends warned me that they had a rotten feeling about JC, I had chalked it up to jealousy. After all, he was hot. When JC wanted to stay home at night (so he could whisper sweet nothings to Carmen!) I thought it was weird, but I reasoned it away. I told myself he was tired and that he just needed a little break. I made all the excuses in the world for him. Why? Well… he was gorgeous and he was every bit the Latin lover! But in all seriousness, I just couldn’t believe that I was the kind of girl who would get cheated on. If I had read the signs—and listened to my intuition—I would have saved myself a whole lot of hurt… and a whole lot of dough. What can I say? When you love someone and put all your trust and faith in the relationship, you don’t want to believe that the other person could turn around and betray you. After all, he was living in my house, working in my company, sleeping in my bed, using my phone… which might have been part of the problem.

Do you suspect your partner is cheating? You might not find written proof like I did with Juan Carlos, but you can take advantage of one of the most powerful tools of all… your gut instinct.

Research shows that when it comes to matters of love, your intuition just might be the best judge of all. In a study conducted at Brigham Young University, psychologists observed 35 women and 16 men who were involved in romantic relationships. The psychologists videotaped interactions between the participants and their significant others and showed the tapes to third party observers. The observers were able to detect who among the participants were cheating with stunning accuracy.

The moral of the story? If a perfect stranger can glean cheaters just by watching the way they interact with their partners on film, I’d wager to guess your intuition might be worth more than you’re giving it credit for. If you sense something is wrong in your relationship, you need to pay attention. I knew in my gut that Juan Carlos was spending way too much time with Margarita and he wasn’t inviting me to join them. That alone should have told me something. I had even asked him a couple of times to introduce me to her and he had refused. Now I know why. He had told her we were just friends and that he worked for me. Looking back, I had an uneasy feeling about JC all along… and it wasn’t just all the Mexican food he was cooking for dinner.

IF YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING AND NEED SOME ADVICE, SET UP A FREE CONSULTATION TODAY:

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You Might Need to Shape Up Before You Shack Up

Couple Taking A Break During House Move

You Might Need to Shape Up Before You Shack Up

When two people are totally crazy about each other, the idea of living together can seem wildly romantic. I mean, how could you not want to wake up next to the person you love every morning and fall asleep in his arms every night? But a lot of my couples tell me that they moved in together before really thinking it through—and my assistant, Sara, is no exception. If you’re anything like Sara, you might need to shape up before you shack up!

It seems like yesterday Sara couldn’t stop talking about moving in with her boyfriend. She thought she was ready to make this big move, but she quickly found out she had a lot to learn. The first couple of weeks were amazing. She told me about how they cooked yummy meals together, bought plants for every room, and left sweet notes for one another around the house. It all seemed perfect.

But a couple of weeks later, when she showed up to work, the happy glow was gone… and I mean it had disappeared. Apparently, she and her boyfriend, Luke, had their first big fight the night before—and things had gotten pretty ugly. Luke had become jealous over one of her exes who was in town and wanted to get together with her. Sara couldn’t believe that Luke was making such a big deal over this guy. Their relationship had barely been a blip on her radar and it had happened years ago. Luke was being ridiculous and acting like a baby all week. Sara was sick of tiptoeing around him. One night after they’d had a few drinks, she confronted Luke and he exploded. They wound up arguing late into the night. Sara said that her first instinct was to grab her things and leave, but then she realized that she had nowhere to go. She was already home.

“I feel gutted,” she told me the day after it happened, sounding confused and defeated. “I love him so much, but I wonder if we rushed into things. Neither of us wound up sleeping on the couch that night, but now I’m wondering if we were really prepared to move in together.”

With time—and a few coaching tips from me—Sara and Luke were able to talk through their differences and create an even stronger bond. Sara realized that living in close proximity with someone she loves requires a lot more maturity than she’d originally thought. Here are her four takeaways for those of you who are thinking about shacking up with your significant other:

  1. Step away from the Chardonnay…

“Contrary to popular belief, the best time to talk about an issue or problem is not after you’ve a had a few drinks. I don’t know if you’re like me, but that’s when I tend to want to talk about things the most. My inhibitions are lowered and I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind… which is the exactly the problem. Looking back on that night, I said some pretty awful things to Luke, things I wished I could have taken back in the light of day. In Luke’s defense, he had asked me to wait until the morning when we were sober and could talk about things more rationally. What I learned from that night is that I need to be smart about conflict—I can’t always avoid it, but I can avoid making matters worse by adding alcohol (or anything else that might impair my judgment) to the mix.” 

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff…

“My boyfriend can’t stand it when I leave little toothpaste globs in the sink. I, on the other hand, feel like murdering him when he leaves his stinky gym shoes smack in the middle of the living room floor—I mean, is he trying to kill me, or what!? Pesky as these habits are, they aren’t deal breakers. If something is truly bothering me, I need to mention it, but I am also learning that, both Luke and I have to accept each other’s foibles. Now, when I see his sneakers lying on the floor, I laugh and chuck them in the closet. I’ve also begun to notice that someone other than me is keeping the sink cleaner. The moral of this story is that, when you move in with your partner, you’re going to see it all: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the just plain annoying—and you are going to have to learn to live with a lot of it.”

  1. It’s not all about you… anymore

“When I was on my own, I didn’t have tell anyone my whereabouts or check in before making plans. I was on my own schedule. If I came home at 3:00 am, it didn’t matter. No one was waiting up for me. If a friend said, “Let’s grab dinner,” I would just go. When I moved in with Luke, I started feeling resentful when he made comments about how much time I spent with friends. At first, I thought he was being controlling, but then I realized he just wanted to be with me. I had never lived with a guy before and I’d never had to consider someone else’s feelings in this way. The truth is that he loves how social I am and that I have close friends. He just wants to be my #1 and that’s what I want, too.”

  1. Curb your inner bitch…

“This wasn’t the first fight Luke and I had, it was just the first one we had as roommates. While recovering from a big fight can take time, it didn’t feel right to keep holding on to my anger and resentment towards Luke. The next day we sat down and talked honestly and calmly about what happened. With clearer heads, we were able to listen to what the other had to say and realize that there was truth to both sides. The sting of the fight didn’t go away immediately, but we both saw that our relationship is more important than our need to be right. I wish that argument hadn’t happened, but I’m proud of the way we worked through the conflict and used it to bring us closer together.”

 

Moving in together is an important step in any relationship, and not one to be taken lightly. As much as you might want to prepare for what lies ahead, there are always going to be surprises. Any two people moving in together have to learn how compromise and make adjustments so both people feel comfortable. As for Sara, she and Luke are still figuring each other out and learning as they go along. It’s equal parts scary and exciting, but that’s the beauty of building intimacy in a relationship… and Sara says she wouldn’t have it any other way.

If you would like help with any of your dating and relationship issues, book a consultation today!

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The Lost Love Language

SILENCE

Men and women have so much to learn from each other about love & relationships.

 

All this time we’ve been thinking that there are only five love languages. I mean, isn’t that what Gary Chapman writes in his book, The Five Love Languages? According to Chapman, the five love languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. I don’t like to be the one to differ with Mr. Chapman, but I think I might have discovered a missing language. The other day, I was talking about his book with my husband. I told him that I thought his own love language was acts of service. (As I often say, “Benjamin just about has an orgasm when I clean the closet or make him a bowl of egg salad.”)

 

“Oh my God! Oh my God! You cleaned the closet! You are the best wife!” he exclaims. It really doesn’t take much to get him excited. Without question, my love language is quality time. Nothing makes me feel more loved than when Benjamin spends time with me. Benjamin could be watching me fold laundry, as long as we’re doing it together.

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To book a sample session with Naked Dating and Relationship Coach Lisa Shield, click here.

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Your Girlfriend’s Advice

Girlfriends2

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Your Girlfriend’s Advice

My client, Lily, came extremely close to ruining her relationship with Jasper when she listened to the advice of a well-intentioned friend. One night Lily was lamenting to Sophia that she didn’t know for sure if Jasper was attracted to her. It was way past midnight and Sophia prodded her sweet friend to text Jasper and say she was coming right over. “I dare you,” Sophia said, egging her on. Lily had always felt shy and reserved when it came to men. Maybe Sophia was right—it wouldn’t hurt to be more forthright. Playing the good girl hadn’t gotten her anywhere.  Lily picked up her phone, hesitated for a moment, then wrote the text and hit the send button before she got cold feet again. In a matter of second her phone buzzed. “Don’t come over. In bed. Early day tomorrow.” It seemed that Jasper was a gentleman. The next day he told Lily that he felt she was sending him mixed messages, playing a good girl one minute and a tease the next.

 

At our session the following day, she sat in one of my big brown leather chairs as tears streamed down her cheeks. She felt humiliated and stupid for what she’d done. She really cared about Jasper and didn’t know what to say to make things okay. When her tears stopped and she was able to laugh a little, I showed her how to clean up the mess. We wrote Jasper a text where she took complete responsibility for what she’d done without making excuses for what she’d done.

 

Have you ever had a friend like Sophia who encouraged you to do something you later regretted when it came to men?  Our girlfriends love and support us unconditionally, but often their advice is the exact opposite of what we need to do if you are going to have an emotionally naked relationship with a man.  Let’s look at 5 reasons why listening to your girlfriend’s advice might be hazardous to health of your romantic relationship.

1.     Your girlfriends will support your insanity no matter what. 

Girlfriends are valuable because they love you unconditionally; however, that also means they might support your bad decisions.  Your best friend might accompany you to drive-by your crushes house to see if he’s alone, or sit with you while you stalk his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.  They’re your friends for a reason: because they support you no matter what. As a Naked Dater, when your crazy begins to show, you need to find friends who will tell you, “No!”

 2.    Your girlfriends probably aren’t in solid relationships themselves.  

People love to give advice, but it’s almost impossible to get good relationship advice from girlfriends who are not in healthy, emotionally naked relationships themselves, or in relationships at all. If you are going to take advice from a girlfriend, look at her relationship or lack of one and ask yourself if this is someone who is really in a position to be giving advice. If not, speak to a friend who is in a solid relationship you admire. The only people who are truly qualified to give others advice on relationships are those who are living breathing examples of what do.

3.    Your girlfriends might encourage you to play games.  This never works.

I always say that if you play games, you’ll attract a game player.  The point of Naked Dating® is to become more open, honest, and ready for love so you can attract a partner who is in a similar place. Every time you play hard to get, pretend you don’t care, or try to make someone jealous, you are not being emotionally naked and you will push love away. As a Naked Dater you want to look for female role models who encourage you to be real and let down your guard.

 4.    Your single girlfriends might be jealous of your new relationship.

Have you ever had a friend who was jealous of your new relationship? Sometimes girlfriends become envious of the time you’re spending with your partner, especially if they haven’t been in a relationship in awhile. This jealousy might affect their ability to be objective and give advice that is genuinely supportive. They might make you feel guilty for spending too much time with your new guy or say that they don’t think he’s good for you. You want to have compassion for your single friends while they adjust to your new schedule, but you also don’t want to hook in to their fear and negativity.

5.    Your girlfriends can only tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes. 

When most people give advice, they tell you what they would do if they were in your situation, but they’re not you. Only you know the dynamic between you and someone you’re seeing.  Trust your gut, be open and honest, and when you do need outside help, try seeking the advice of a dating and relationship coach. A coach has the tools and skills to help you get clear about what you need in a relationship. Your best friend might want to date a rocket scientist, while you might be perfectly happy dating a zookeeper. The important thing is to find someone who understands what matters most to you and can support you in creating your dream.

 

After taking my advice, I got the following email from Lily: Thanks so much! You brought me back to earth for sure! My friends literally give me the WORST possible advice… I think their tricks are what has gotten me into this situation in the first place:/. They are all about games, and Jasper isn’t that guy!

 

You can make an appointment with Lisa Shield at: http://www.genbook.com/bookings/slot/reservation/30105083?bookingSourceId=1000

LOVING COSMO

LOVING COSMO

It’s hard to believe that there was ever a time when I didn’t love Cosmo, but it’s true.  When he was a puppy, he was annoying because he kept trying to push his way in between Bobo, my 80-lb. Sharpei, and me.  Next to my husband, Benjamin, Bobo was the love of my life, and nothing was going to come between us, not even the world’s goofiest, floppiest, most adorable 8-wk-old Bernese Mountain Dog puppy.

I felt guilty, of course.  It wasn’t fair to the little guy for me to reject him.  I knew that.  I’m not a bad person.  But he was just too cute and perfect for my taste.  I would never have gotten a Bernese Mountain Dog.  I tend to like strange beauty; the stranger the better.  I am still trying to convince my husband to get me a hairless cat of my own who I will name Harry…but I digress…

That guilt I was talking about, well, it started to grow.  I knew I needed to bond with Cosmo but why did he have to eat the fingers off the beautiful, giant, antique Quan Yen sitting in the living room or when he chew the edges of the silk carpet my mother-in-law had bought us for our anniversary.  Still, he was part of the family now, and he deserved to be cherished by me as much as Bobo and Benjamin did.  So, I set an intention to fall in love with him.  I told myself, “You will find a place in your heart for this dog.”  

Maybe a dog isn’t the same as a person.  I don’t believe that, but some of you might.  I’ve loved some dogs better than many people.  Anyway, it’s easy to discount people or dogs or anything that doesn’t fit our preconceived idea of what’s attractive.  I did it with Cosmo and see my clients doing it all the time when I look through online profiles with them.  I find that very few clients, women or men, are willing to read the profile of someone they don’t immediately find physically attractive.  What each person finds physically attractive varies from client to client, but most of them won’t even look at the profile of someone they don’t find attractive.  There are several problems with this.

  1. Pictures can be deceiving.  Some people look way better in their profile photos than they do in person.  Others don’t look as good.  If you like someone’s profile, meet them for coffee.  It only take half an hour and it can change your life.

  2. People often become more attractive once we get to know them.  Once you see that devilish glint in someone’s eye, hear the music in someone’s laughter, or see the kindness someone’s heart, the illusion can shift and that person can become more physically attractive to you.

  3. You might not be seeing clearly.  It is easy to be blinded by physical attraction.  Most clients automatically project positive qualities on people they find attractive and negative qualities on people they don’t find attractive.  They also cut physically attractive people way more slack in general on things like their height, job, age, proximity, the depth and length of the profile, etc.  For example, they might write to someone they find attractive, even if he or she lives far away, but not to someone with a great profile who is not attractive.  In the end, what matters is who someone is on the inside.

  4. You will keep repeating the same patterns.  Without question, dating is the best way to break repeated relationship patterns.  If you keep going for the same “type,” that won’t happen.  You need to open yourself up to different types of situations and people to get a different result.  I had a client who liked blond, Barbie dolls.  He was physically attracted to them, but none of them could engage with him in deeper conversations.   I am not saying that all beautiful blonds are unintelligent.  It was just that he was just picking the same woman over and over again.  When he started to broaden his range, he met a wonderful woman with depth AND beauty who he has been seeing for the past year.

So, I am sure you are wondering if I was able to get over my prejudices and open my heart to Cosmo.  I did!  In fact, it’s hard to imagine a time when I didn’t think he was the sweetest and handsomest dog alive.  I don’t know what I would have done without Cosmo when Bobo died six years ago.  Recently, he’s taken to hanging out in my office with me all day long, while I write and see clients.  All day everyday, he lies by my feet and waits patiently for me (and sometimes not so patiently) for me to lean over and scratch his belly.  (He’s lying here right now, as I write this!)  Last year when he had a herniated disk in back, I was the one who took him to the vet and cried while I waited to find out if he’d ever walk again.  (Thanks to Dr. Farber at the VCA on Sepulveda and several rounds of acupuncture and vitamin B shots, Cosmo is better than ever!)  I love this dog with all my heart and I couldn’t imagine life without him. 

So, the next time someone writes you a great email but doesn’t look like your type, see if you can set an intention to get past the physical illusion and meet for coffee with an open mind and heart.  Life is full of surprises if open to receiving them.

 

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