Archives

Tagged ‘rejection‘

Naked Truth: Protect Your Marriage at All Costs

Naked Truth: Protect Your Marriage at All Costs

Naked Truth: Protect Your Marriage at All Costs

Hi Lisa. I am happily married to an incredible woman. Recently, several women from my past decided to walk back into my life after 20 years. How do I get them to back off before they jeopardize my marriage? The ring and paper don’t seem to be enough, and they don’t seem to be respecting traditional boundaries.

-Will

 

Hi Will,

Thanks for reaching out! The single most important person in your life should be your wife, and you need to do everything you can to protect the sacred bond the two of you share. You say these women “walked back into your life,” but I don’t think they just walked in. You had to have let them in. My guess is that you haven’t been clear enough with these women or that you are still trying to be nice and polite so you don’t hurt their feelings. I see this a lot with my male clients. The problem is, if you don’t take care of this, someone else is going to get hurt… and that someone is probably going to be your incredible wife. If these women aren’t respecting your boundaries, I would dispense with any niceties and tell them—in no uncertain terms—that you are flattered they are thinking of you, but that you are happily married and won’t respond to any further attempts on their part to contact you. Hope that helps!

Warmly,

Lisa

Is someone threatening your relationship? Book a consultation with me and see how I can help!

Naked Truth: Protect Your Marriage at All Costs

 

The guy I’m seeing told me he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, but I really like him. Should I back off or just quit seeing him altogether?


The guy I'm seeing told me he doesn't have strong feelings for me. Should I put some distance between us of just stop seeing him altogether?

The guy I’m seeing told me he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, but I really like him. Should I back off or just quit seeing him altogether?

Hey Lisa,

I need some advice. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and a half and things are going well. We’ve gone on three dinner dates, have been to trivia and dinner several times and even won trivia twice. He made me dinner and we spend time together watching shows we like. I even helped him find a new puppy. BUT…he is in the navy and will be gone for a few months in a few weeks and then when he gets back he is moving in November.  Also, he was married before and told me he knew he would marry his ex wife the week he met her and married her 4 months later. When I asked him how he feels about me he said he likes me, and thinks we are compatible but doesn’t have strong feelings like that for me. I really like him, but ever since he told me that my self worth has been ruined. What should I do? Quit seeing him? Back off? I don’t know what to do and need your help.

Tamara

Hi Tamara,

First, I want to commend you for having the courage to get emotionally naked and ask your navy man how he really feels about you. Many women would have gone along in the relationship without finding out the truth. I am sure it was really hard to hear that he doesn’t have strong feelings for you, but I think it was pretty thoughtless of him to compare his feelings for you to the way he felt about his ex-wife. You even wrote that your self-esteem has been ruined because of what he said. It might help you keep things in perspective to know that, for all of his enthusiasm and certainty about his former wife, she’s his ex. So much for knowing he was going to marry her after the first week. I’m wondering how long it took him to realize he’d made a mistake and that e was headed for a divorce!

Considering he’s leaving and he told you he doesn’t have strong feelings for you, I don’t think the relationship is going to turn into something long term. While you might not want to hear this, you need to know that many men stay in a relationship with a woman they have no intention of committing to because she is sweet and she’s meeting their sexual needs.

You asked if you should take a step back or end it altogether. My question for you is: do you want to wait until he leaves or finds someone new, or do you want to act from a place of power and be the one to break it off?  If you the initiative to end it, you  might just get some of your self-esteem back. And more importantly, you deserve to be with a man who adores you and feels lucky to be with you.

On another note: why did he get a puppy if he’s planning on leaving?

Much love,

Lisa

 

If you or anyone you know is having trouble dating or finding the right relationship, hiring a coach might be the answer you need. Click here to book a sample consult to find out how I can help:

The guy I'm dating told me he doesn't have strong feelings for me...

 

Ghosting… Don’t let it Happen to You

Ghosting... Don't let it Happen to you
Ghosting… Don’t let it Happen to You

So, you finally find someone online who you’re psyched about dating. You send a flurry of flirty texts back and forth and then go out on a couple of amazing dates. Your imagination starts to run wild! You even make an offhand comment to your best friend about how you think you might have met The One.

Then, as suddenly as it started, it stops. There’s complete radio silence.  No more, “Good morning, Sunshine!” texts to start the day. No more dreamy plans for the weekend. Nothing. It feels like you’ve been punched in the gut. How could you have been so naive? You wonder, “Did I just dream this person up?” But when you read through all your old texts, you’re still convinced that the chemistry was real. So, what went wrong?

In a word: you were ghosted.

My husband, Benjamin, and I met in the early days of online dating. Back then, we responded to each and every message we received, whether we were interested in meeting the other person or not. Being the ethical guy that he is, Benjamin was appalled when I told him that, today, many people just disappear in the middle of a correspondence or a courtship. He actually asked me to stop telling him stories because it was bumming him out so much.

There are more dating sites and apps in existence than ever before, which makes it easier than ever to find dates, but the downside is that they also create the illusion (for some) that people are expendable. It can seem easier for some people to simply disappear when they don’t want to pursue things further with a date than to tell it like it is. If you’ve been out in the dating world for awhile, chances are you’ve even disappeared on someone yourself.

With Naked Dating®, I urge people to be honest and upfront with their dates. A simple phone call (or, if you’re in the very early stages of dating, a text) letting the person know you simply don’t feel that you’re a match and wish them well is a much kinder and more respectful alternative to ghosting.

Rejection is an inherent part of dating. To date successfully, you have to learn how to reject people kindly, and on the same token, to accept a certain amount of rejection on your end. That said, if people are repeatedly disappearing on you, you might want to take a deeper look at what’s going on. The following four scenarios might help explain what’s happening:

  1. You get ahead of yourself: When you find someone you’re excited about dating, it’s easy to start building up romantic fantasies and imagining what the relationship will be like before you even know the other person. Especially when it comes to online dating, it’s easy to develop a false sense of intimacy through emails and texts. Many people start developing expectations before they’ve even met the other person face-to-face. The reality is this: if you’re still in the emailing stage, you’re just a photo and a profile to other people. Until you go out on an actual date, you can’t expect much. You need to assume that most people online are corresponding with several people at once. When someone stops writing, you have one chance to write or text and say, “Hey where’d you go?” but if you don’t get a response, you need to take it as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be and move on.
  2.  The chemistry wasn’t mutual: If you’ve gone out with someone a few times and the communication suddenly stops, it’s very likely that the other person just didn’t feel a spark—or met someone with whom they felt a stronger connection. In the early stages of dating, it can seem easier to just cut your losses and move on when you know you don’t feel a connection than to verbalize your reasons for not wanting to take things further. We all know how it feels to be rejected, so we often try to avoid having these uncomfortable conversations, even if we hurt the other person in the long run by saying nothing. I don’t believe this is the right thing to do, but it often seems like what’s easiest for the person who wants out.
  3.  You might not be coming off as well as you think: It’s hard to know what you might have done that turned the other person off. It’s hard to be objective about yourself and to know how others perceive you. One of the exercises I recommend to help you get clear on what might be going on is to ask three people—family, co-workers, close friends—to write down three traits they love about you and three traits they think could be getting in the way of your dating. Have them write their responses down so you can really take the time to process their feedback. Notice any patterns? The negative feedback can be a hard pill to swallow, but it can be truly eye opening and it might help you realize things about yourself that you were totally unaware of—and that you might want to avoid doing next time!
  4.  You seem too eager to find someone. When it comes to dating, desperation is a huge turn off. It’s one thing to be excited about meeting someone, but if you appear too anxious to jump into a relationship—or too obsessive right from the get-go—you will push people away. It’s almost instinctive for people to put up their guard when someone displays too much interest too soon. Because you haven’t had the time to get to know one another, your dates can feel suspicious of your motives. If you have a tendency to be overanxious about finding a partner, I encourage you to date several people at once until you are in a committed relationship. I also highly recommend reading my last blog post, “Slow and Steady Wins the Race” and the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

Learning how to have authentic communication that leads to a lifelong connection is what Naked Dating® is all about. If you’ve had the disappearing act pulled on you one too many times and don’t understand why, maybe you could benefit from some one-on-one coaching. There could be a deeper issue at hand, and I can help!

To set up a complimentary coaching consult click here:

Ghosting... Don't let it Happen to You

Asking for What You Want in Relationships

Asking for what you want in relationships is the only way to get what you need!

Asking for What You Want in Relationships

Do you have trouble asking for what you want in relationships? Lots of women do. Part of what makes asking for what you want in relationships so hard is that well-meaning friends, Hollywood gossip columns, blogs by other disillusioned daters, etc. tell us not to speak up for ourselves and to wait for men to make all the moves.

Are you being needy if you ask a man about the future of your relationship?

Maybe you’ve read that asking for what you want in relationships will make a man think you’re pushy or needy. I’ve coached many women who wasted months or even years in the wrong relationships because they took this advice to heart. They really believed that asking a man to discuss the future of their relationship would push him away. It saddens me to think that we’ve made such amazing progress as women in so many ways, but that we’re still allowing ourselves to be cast in a passive role when it comes to pursuing relationships with men.

Rachel’s Story

Perhaps you can relate to what my client Rachel is going through. She’s been dating a man named Evan for three months, but she still doesn’t know where their relationship is going… and it’s driving her crazy. Like Rachel, you might have trouble asking for what you want in relationships. The more time that goes by without her talking to Evan about his intentions, the more anxious she feels. Sometimes a week or two passes where she doesn’t see him. During that time she agonizes over whether or not the relationship is really going anywhere. When they finally get together, she feels momentarily better, but it isn’t long before her anxiety sets in again.

When I asked why she hadn’t asked Evan where their relationship is going, she had many seemingly good excuses: he had a big presentation at work, his crazy ex was harassing him, his daughter was going off to college, he moved into a new place, his Chia pet died… there was always something.

I told her that she was 50% of the relationship and she had every right to ask if Evan was thinking about a future with her, but Rachel protested. She said she’d been listening to an audio book by a well-known male dating expert who said, “You have to be careful about asking for what you want in relationships because it makes men feel pressured and pushes them away. Men are hunters by nature. They are hardwired to go out and find what they want. If a real man wants you, he will pursue you.” In other words, she should act like a helpless bystander and let Evan have all the control.

Why it’s dangerous not to speak up

Here’s the deal: many men will take sex and companionship when and where they can get it, especially if a woman is good company and she isn’t asking for more. So, if you don’t speak up, many men will make the assumption that you’re fine with the current arrangement.

Not asking for what you want in relationships can have serious consequences. Rachel is falling in love with Evan and it’s agonizing for her because she doesn’t have a clue if he feels the same way. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Rachel told me that her obsession with the relationship was starting to take over her life and causing her to act out:

  •                             She was becoming snarky with him
  •                             She wasn’t returning his phone calls
  •                             She was withholding sex
  •                             She was starting to drink—a lot
  •                             She was over-sharing with her friends

 

To make matters worse, Rachel was concerned that her behavior would sabotage the relationship. Rachel was embarrassed to admit to me that she was feeling so lost and desperate for answers she had contacted three online psychics. Hundreds of dollars later they all told her not to say anything to Evan and that he would come around on his own within a few months. If you look hard enough, like Rachel, you will keep finding ways to justify not asking for what you want in relationships.

No one wants to face rejection

To be fair, Rachel’s hesitation about talking to Evan wasn’t irrational. It’s easy to buy into the idea that you shouldn’t be asking for what you want in relationships because then you can live on hope and you don’t have to face possible rejection. Rejection is a scary thing. The truth is that many men will stay in a relationship for sex and companionship, especially with a woman who seems uncomplicated and easygoing. Smart women know they need to get clear about what a guy is after early in a relationship, and that means asking the right questions in the right way.

Understanding men is the key to asking for what you want in relationships

There is a way of asking for what you want in relationships without appearing aggressive or demanding. It starts with understanding how men work. Consider these four insights into how most men operate:

  1. Men don’t like being told what to do; they want to come to their own conclusions.
  2. Men don’t like being given ultimatums; they want to have dialogues where they can also express their wants and needs.
  3. Men don’t want women who are doormats; they are looking for women who aren’t afraid to be themselves and ask for what they want.
  4. Men don’t like to be asked how they feel; they want to be asked what they think.

I encourage you to try the following approach when asking for what you want in relationships:

  1. Tell him how you feel
  2. Tell him what you need
  3. Ask what he thinks about what you said

For example, Rachel might say:

  1. “I feel like I’m developing feelings for you and I would like to move forward with our relationship.”
  2. “I would like to spend more time together. I was thinking we could see each other on Tuesdays as well as on Saturdays.”
  3. “What do you think about that?”

I know this may sound easier said than done. Often times we avoid conversations like this because we’re afraid of the answer we’ll receive, but answers can be telling. If Evan doesn’t want to get closer to Rachel, he might respond with something like, “I feel like we’re already spending enough time together.” In this case, Rachel would have to consider whether Evan is really interested in getting closer to her. On the other hand, if Evan wants to get close to Rachel, he will welcome a chance to spend more time with her and be happy she brought it up.

Asking for what you want in relationships can be challenging, but you need to find out if a man is really interested in a future with you or if he’s just getting his needs met. If you follow this simple formula it should open up a dialogue where a man will be able to tell you what he’s really thinking. You might not get the answer you want, but you will get the answer you need.

If you’re having trouble asking for what you want in relationships book a consultation to see if I am the right coach for you.

CLICK HERE to book now:

booknow-button-large

 

 

Blogarama - The Blog Directory