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I Finally Figured it Out

I Finally Figured it Out

I Finally Figured it Out

When I posted my first dating profile online fifteen years ago, one of a handful of qualities I was looking for in my future partner was that I wanted him to be “a man in a man’s body.” I finally figured it out, but it wasn’t easy to find him. Most of my previous partners looked like men on the outside, but they were just boys on the inside. This time I wanted to attract a man who looked and acted like a grownup.

Don’t get me wrong. Most of my exes would have said the same thing about me. I’m sure they felt I had some growing up to do, too… and they would have been right. When it comes to relationships, we attract people who are at our same level of consciousness. So, I knew that if I was going to attract the kind of man I wanted, I needed to stop behaving like a needy, controlling, insecure girl and become a level-headed, self-assured, grown-ass woman.

Change is not a dirty word

I know. We all want to be loved and accepted just the way we are. Yet, it stands to reason that if the men you want to attract don’t find you attractive, then you have to ask yourself what you need to change in order to be attractive to them.

Had I met my current husband two years earlier, when I first started dating, I know he wouldn’t have been attracted to me. But by going out on dates with almost 100 different men, I was able to gain a better understanding of how the opposite sex thinks and I grew into the woman I am today—strong and capable, but also kind, caring, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, forgiving, and playful. I also attracted the “man in a man’s body” of my dreams.

How I emasculated men

Through dating I discovered that much of my behavior with men was counterproductive. A real turning point for me was when I finally realized that if I wanted a man to take the lead, I had to let him. When I was younger, I would encourage a man to take charge and then tell him how he did it wrong. Wasn’t that nice of me? Or, I would get frustrated when I didn’t think he was doing something right and take things into my own hands. I can only begin to imagine how emasculating this would have felt to a man who was trying to get close to me.

Many of my female clients tell me that they would love to find a “take charge” kind of guy, an alpha male who just knows how to assume the lead. The problem is that many women are so busy trying to run the show that, even if some man wanted to take charge with them, he wouldn’t be able to. Like me, they say they want a man who knows how to lead, but they won’t relinquish control. And here’s the real issue: when a man has feelings for a woman, he tries to make her happy. If a woman seems frustrated and displeased when he does something to try and impress her, he will give up control and let her take over, thinking that’s what she wants. It’s a catch-22, ladies.

I didn’t figure all this out until I was 40 years old. This was sad because I longed to find a man who was safe and would take the lead. I never realized that, until I let go and let a man take the lead, this wasn’t possible. My need to control situations and have it my way made it impossible for the men around me to take charge.

Appreciation is everything

So how did I fix this? I shifted my perspective. I decided that I wanted to empower the men around me and treat them with respect. So, I went on my dates and began to look for what I liked about each of them. I started to value men and appreciate their efforts. I stopped expecting them to treat me a certain way and started to see everything they did for me as a gift. Even if it wasn’t right for me, I appreciated the efforts they made. One man took me to dinner at Marie Calendar’s. That’s so not my style, but he bought me dinner and I thought it was kind for him to do that. The younger me would have felt insulted. Just because I began to look for the good and be thankful for what a man did for me, it didn’t mean that I was willing to go for any guy who bought me dinner. I was still looking for my guy, for the one who bought me dinner at a place where I felt comfortable. Still, the more appreciation I showed, the more inspired men were to take the lead and treat me well. It was a win-win for everyone.

 

If you want to stop sabotaging your dating, learn how to get emotionally naked, and find the man of your dreams click here to book a complimentary consult and find out how I can help:

I Finally Figured it Out

“Ten Important Things to Know About Dating” by Dating & Relationship Expert, Lisa Shield

1) Dating will sometimes feel like work.  Like anything worth having, finding a partner requires action, a clear intention, sustained focus, and time.

2) Be yourself.  What we see people doing on reality dating shows or much of what is written in books like The Rules is manipulative.  If it doesn’t feel authentic, it probably isn’t.  Get advice from a reliable relationship coach or from friends that are in solid, drama-free relationships.

3) Only talk to friends that are positive and supportive.  Refrain from speaking to anyone who makes negative generalizations about men, women, or the dating process in general.

4) Water seeks its own level.  No matter you say you want in a partner, you can only relate to other people from the level that you are at.  As Marianne Williamson says: It’s not that you attract unavailable people, it’s that you give them your number.

5) Be honest with your dates about what’s up with you.  This doesn’t mean blaming them for your stuff or complaining about your life.  It does mean taking responsibility for what’s going on with you and focusing on what you are learning.  If you talk about an issue in your life with a date, end that story by sharing read more

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Dating & Relationship Expert, Lisa Shield.  pricing & scheduling

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

A big issue with online dating is that people often stop communicating abruptly and for no apparent reason.  Most of my clients just figure that the other person lost interest or that they must of done something to turn the other person off, and they give up.  As hard as it is not to take this stuff personally, you can’t let it get to you.  People stop writing for all kinds of reasons, none of them having to do with you.  Maybe they lost a job, are dealing with family issues, or just got bored .  Let’s be real.  Most of us don’t finish everything we start, especially when it comes to online dating.  When pressed, the same clients who complain about how other people dropped the ball on them admit that they have emails in their inbox that they haven’t answered.

So, let’s say that you started communicating with you were really excited about, and he or she stopped writing.  What can you do.  You can blow them off and just move on which is what a lot of people do, or you can say something.  If you felt like there was potential why wouldn’t you give it a try?  I wouldn’t suggest sending a second email, but one is worth a try.  The thing is that I want  you to stop playing it so safe and take some risks.  The fun in dating is being able to play and not be perfect all the time.  What better place to practice than in emails.  You have nothing to lost on a dating site with someone you’ve never met.  So get online, go through your inbox, and start emailing all those hot men and women who fell by the wayside.

Here are two examples of email threads from clients.  Hope they give you some inspiration.  They worked because they are provocative and playful.  That kind of energy is irresistable!

WonderWoman:

Since I haven’t heard from you, I thought you might have gotten kidnapped by pygmies and might need some help planning your escape.

SuperDude:

Hey!  I was just thinking about you last week, while bound and gagged!  How are you?  Can I give you a call on Monday?

WonderWoman:

LOL!  Just the way I like my men!  😉 You can reach me after 9pm.  I want to hear the whole story!

BeachGirl97
Hi, in case you hit your head and have temporary amnesia, I thought I would remind you of the cute, funny girl you were messaging…that would be ME!
rockclimberla
OMG, I did have amnesia.  Thanks for reminding me.  Can you ever forgive me?
BeachGirl97
If you take me to a nice dinner or buy me gifts, I am sure I can forgive anything.  But you have to hurry up and ask me out.  This email has an expiration date and will self-destruct within one week.  :-)

PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

 

 

 

GRATITUDE LISTS

GRATITUDE LISTS

In her last coaching session with me, my client, Alexis, asked me if I knew which of the exercises I had given her to do over the years had made the biggest difference in her life.  I could think of many assignments I had given her, but none stood out.  “It was when you told me to start writing gratitude lists,” she said.  “I realized that I had a horrible habit of complaining and saying that nothing was ever good enough for me.  When I started writing those lists, it helped me see how many little and big things I take for granted in life.  I realized how fortunate I am and started to become more positive and grateful.  My fiancé actually told me the other day that two of the qualities he finds most attractive about me are that I have such a positive outlook on life and am always appreciative of the things he does for me.”

One of the simplest ways to begin to appreciate who you are and what you have to offer a partner is to start making gratitude lists.  Each day for the next 30 days write a list of 30 different things you’re grateful for.  You cannot repeat anything on the lists.  You can say, “My friend, Tiffany” on one day and “Going shopping with Tiffany” another.  You can include something as deep as “I have loving parents” or as simple as “I love the new color of my toenail polish.”  If you cannot come up with 30 things each day, write as many as you can.

My Gratitude List for Today

I am grateful for/that…

  1. My husband, Benjamin, who is the finest man I have ever known
  2. My two adorable dogs, Cosmo and Milo
  3. My dear friend, Peggy, who agreed on a sort of a whim, to help me finish my book, Naked Dating, and opened up her heart and her life to me
  4. Ted, Peggy’s husband, who has been so wonderful in allowing me and Naked Dating to invade his life
  5. The acupuncture is working and Cosmo can walk again
  6. I work in a career I love
  7. The little cabin I have rented in Guerneville and the time I have spent there writing my book, Naked Dating
  8. All my clients
  9. My beautiful home
  10. My wedding ring and the diamond “love” pendant my husband gave to me
  11. The 13 in. MacBook Air that fits in my purse
  12. Second chances
  13. My friends
  14. Having found true love
  15. Turning my life around
  16. Colors
  17. All the trips I took with my grandmother to Mexico as a kid
  18. My Aunt Ruth and Uncle Sid who are the mother and father I never had
  19. Mechanical pencils
  20. All the teachers I’ve had along the way
  21. The Shins
  22.  Sitting in the hot tub in Guerneville staring up at the towering redwood trees
  23. My beautiful office in my home where I spend most of my time
  24. Fall
  25. Who I am today
  26. Anthropologie
  27. Online shopping
  28. The Internet and my website
  29. Creating my dream
  30. Popcorn with real butter

 

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