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Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Slow and Stead Wins the Race

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

The other day, my client Tracy came in for a session. We had been working together for a few months. She was getting a great response online, going on lots of dates, but she hadn’t met anyone that she was excited about… until Charlie.

“Lisa, we had the most amazing date,” she exclaimed, her eyes practically rolling back in her head as she sunk into the chair. “He isn’t like other men I’ve met. He’s so sweet… and handsome… and successful… and the chemistry is OFF. THE. CHARTS.”

“Oh boy,” I thought to myself, “here we go again.”

There was no denying it: Tracy was drunk on lust, and she certainly wasn’t the first client of mine who’d taken that drink. It killed me to have to be the one to put a damper on her enthusiasm and remind her to slow down, but that’s what she was paying me for: to be the ultimate buzz kill. But seriously, I like to think of myself as the voice of reason.

So, let’s be reasonable. When you go on a first date with someone who makes your body tingle from head to toe and your brain run in endless little circles of excitement, you need to remind yourself to s l o w down, breathe, and proceed with caution. Think about this: It’s a big leap from, “Oh my God, we have so much in common and the chemistry is so intense!” to “Let’s get married, make babies, and spend the rest of our lives together.”

When I was younger, I would completely spin out when I met someone I liked. He would be all I could think about. Fourteen years ago, when I posted my profile and pictures on an online dating site for the first time, I had a little talk with myself. “Lisa,” I said, “you are done rushing into relationships. It doesn’t work. No matter how much chemistry and connection you feel with someone, you cannot truly know a man on a first date or a second date or, even, a third.” At the end of every date with someone I found attractive, I would remind myself, “Lisa’s, he’s a nice guy AND you don’t know him.”

When I met my future husband, I spent two hours staring into the kindest eyes I had ever seen. I could tell that he was someone very special and he seemed to be enamored with me, as well. Still, as I drove the few blocks from the restaurant back home to my apartment, I reminded myself, “That was one of the kindest men you’ve ever met AND you don’t know him.” I had been on dates with men who seemed wonderful in the moment, only to never hear from them again and I’d learned not to get ahead of myself.

It takes time for two people to really get to know each other, to know each other’s hopes, dreams, and fears. Most importantly, it takes time to discover the places where you both clash and draw your lines. Some people say that you don’t really start to know someone until you’ve had your first argument. I agree that the first fight is usually the turning point where most relationships start to get real. I am not a big believer in fireworks and love at first sight. In my 12 years as a dating coach I have seen almost all of these magic encounters burn out as quickly as they started.

Most people want to feel wowed when they meet their soul mate, but there are no shortcuts to creating a real love that will last. Slow and steady wins the race. I know this sounds boring, but take it from a woman who will be celebrating her twelfth wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. Think about it: if you’re really going to spend the rest of your life with someone, what’s the hurry?

 

Are you having trouble taking your time during the dating process and need some advice? Book a free consultation and see how I can help!

Adventure, Mission, & Romance

Adventure. Mission, & Romance

Adventure, Mission, & Romance

How to Fall in Love & Stay in Love

 

I am excited to let you know that I have been invited to speak on a panel for a free online event called Adventure, Mission & Romance: How to Fall in Love & Stay in Love. I will be joined by other leading experts in the field of dating and relationships—PhD’s, Coaches, Authors, Award-winning Travel Bloggers & Agents, Motivational Speakers, Adventurers, Spiritual Thought Leaders, Entertainment Professionals and even Grammy Award Winners.

What makes this online summit so unique is that it brings together many diverse and interesting voices, many that you don’t often hear speaking about love and relationships. Together we all share a wealth of knowledge with you about how to create loving, lasting, lifelong relationships.

Here are some of the topics we discuss: 

  • Finding true love at any age so that you can have the life you always wanted
  • Moving past betrayals and setbacks so that you can open your heart to a new relationship
  • Resolving conflicts with your partner so you stop arguing about the same things over and over again
  • Keeping your relationship passionate and lively so you can’t wait to see you partner walk through the door… even after you’ve been married 20+ years
  • Finding and achieving romantic relationship of your dreams so that you never have to go on another bad date

In my segment, interviewer and summit organizer, Julie Landi, and I talk about my own dating journey and the philosophy behind my upcoming book, Naked Dating®. I talk about the challenges I had to overcome and the 100 first dates I endured before finding the love of my life. Julie did an excellent job interviewing me! You won’t want to miss it!

If you’re interested in joining me, click here to access your free spot: http://theperformancegroup.us/LisaShield

Warmest Wishes for this Holiday Season,

Lisa Shield

 

 

Online Dating: Getting Back in the Groove

Online Dating: Getting Back Into the Groove

Are you in a slump and need some help getting back into the online dating groove? Here’s the first thing you need to know: after a few months of online dating, it is inevitable to go through a slump and for feelings of futility and frustration to set in. This can feel especially discouraging if you’re doing everything can at your end to meet someone. It’s hard not to feel disheartened when the initial rush of emails you got when you first signed up dies down, your searches for a partner net fewer and fewer prospects, and you start to see the same boring profiles over and over again. But almost everyone goes through this! Even though the novelty of online dating has worn off and you’re no longer the ‘new kid on the block,’ you can’t let it get you down.

Here’s what one client said when her online dating began to slow down: “I really did not know that ‘a slump was inevitable,’ so this is important information. Now that I know this, I can feel more at ease with the process.” She went on to say that, after 25 years away from men, all the attention she got through online dating was intoxicating, and “it was almost a feeling of withdrawal when it all came to a halt!”

The truth is, you might be doing everything right and it’s just be a matter of time—and timing—before you meet someone. It’s entirely possible that, at this very moment, the future love of your life is getting out of a relationship and is planning on posting an online dating profile in the days or weeks to come. You never know. What you need to remember is that, for a romantic connection to happen, two people’s lives have to align. So even if you’re ready to meet your life partner, your future life partner might not be ready to meet you.

It’s also important to remember that, just because it seems like there’s little movement on the online dating front, it doesn’t mean there’s nothing happening. Even if you’re not getting as many emails responses or dates as you’d like, you are always evolving and getting clearer about what you want in a partner and in a relationship.

I have many clients who went on very few dates and still found someone special through online dating. Remember, it only takes one date to change your life forever. If you feel like you should be doing more, I would encourage you to read relationship-related books, work with a coach, or spend time meditating and envisioning the kind of relationship you want. You can also write love letters to your future mate. This isn’t as far-fetched as it sounds. The more real you can make this person seem, the more connected you will stay to your online dating journey.

Something I often suggest to my clients is that they practice becoming more comfortable with all members of the opposite sex, even if they aren’t people you would ever date. As crazy as this sounds, spend time connecting at a deeper level with members of the opposite sex in your immediate world. If you’re a guy, spend time with your mother, sister, or aunt. If you’re a woman, spend time with your father, brother, or uncle. It’s also nice to make a few friends of the opposite sex. Learning to flatter them, have playful banter, and understand what lights them up will bring these relationships alive in a whole new way. It will also help you feel more at ease when it comes to online dating.

Something else to consider is that, no matter how open and ready you are to meeting your partner, you may be resisting the process in ways you haven’t considered. It helps to keep reminding yourself to let go and surrender to the online dating process. Pay attention to any resistance you have to what’s happening and listen for any judgments that you might have about yourself, other people, and online dating in general. Here are some things you might be telling yourself that are causing your resistance:

  • I should be getting more dates.
  • Online dating works for other people but not for me.
  • There’s no one I’m interested in dating online.
  • I’m too old to meet someone.
  • I should have started this process much sooner.
  • This is never going to happen.
  • I’m wasting my time.
  • All the good ones are taken.
  • I can’t write flirty emails.
  • The people I’m interested in aren’t contacting me.
  • I’m not attracted to any of the people who contact me.
  • I’m too boring for anyone to date me.
  • I don’t know how to date.
  • _____________________________________________________
  • _____________________________________________________
  • _____________________________________________________

 

The number one way that people hinder the online dating process is by not being open to enough matches. Online dating makes it way too easy to eliminate people for superficial reasons. Many people today say they want a partner, but they aren’t willing to compromise on anything. I have even had female clients who are 5’4” who insist on only dating men who are 6’ or taller and male clients who are of average good looks who would only email the prettiest women. Odds are your ideal match is not going to come in the exact package you would like. When my husband and I met, he was about 3 inches taller than me. The other day, when he walked over to kiss me, I was towering over him. We both burst out laughing. I kicked off my shoes, but I was still quite a bit taller. So, even if you do get what you want in the beginning, you have no idea what’s in store for you. Please, please, PLEASE, give more people a chance. I promise you, people will surprise you if you let them.

The bottom line is that it takes patience and perseverance to find the right partner online. Two people’s lives have to line up for that to happen, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Sometimes you will get a surge of new interest from potential matches, other times it will feel as slow as molasses. The key is to stick in there and do your best to go with the flow. The more you can get out of your own way and not take it personally, the easier—and faster—your online dating journey will seem!

 To book a consultation with Lisa Shield and find out if coaching is for you, click here:

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Ask Lisa: Can We Survive a Long Distance Relationship?

Long Distance 2

Hi Lisa!

I have been going out with my boyfriend for two years. It’s semi-long distance–he lives a 4-hour drive away. We both won’t move to where the other one lives even though we say we will. I love this guy and think he is the one, but I need to live in the same city with him to be sure. What should I do?

Deborah

You can make an appointment with Lisa Shield by clicking here.

Hi Deborah,

If only you had a crystal ball and knew for certain that he’s The One, it would all be so easy. Unfortunately, if you want a great relationship, you have to be willing to take great risks. So, if you love each other and you both agree that you have a chance at a wonderful future together, one of you will have to make the move.

So how do you figure out who moves? My guess is that, right now, you’re both worried about what will happen if you take a risk and things don’t work out. But you can’t keep focusing on your individual needs if you’re going to take this relationship to the next level. The only way to solve this dilemma is to stop asking, What would be best for me?” and start asking, What would be best for our relationship?” You need to decide if the relationship would be better off if you moved to where he is or if he moved to where you are.

For any relationship to succeed, both people need to change their mindsets and start thinking like a couple. This means that both of you need to be willing to sacrifice your individual needs for the greater good of the relationship. One thing that might help is to make a list of what you would each gain and lose by being the one to move, but this time look at it from the perspective of the relationship. Ask yourselves, “What is best for our relationship,” not, “What is best for me.” To become a couple, you need to start thinking and acting like one.

Keep in mind that, no matter who moves, both of you will be taking a great risk. I felt a tremendous sense of responsibility when my former boyfriend gave up his job and moved from Mexico to live with me. Trust me, there was pressure on both sides.

In the end, if neither of you are willing to move, you will have answered your own question. You will have proven that you aren’t ready to let go of your individual needs and take the risk to see if you can become a real couple.

Let me know how it works out!

Kindly,

Lisa

For a complimentary session with Lisa Shield, click here.   

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

A big issue with online dating is that people often stop communicating abruptly and for no apparent reason.  Most of my clients just figure that the other person lost interest or that they must of done something to turn the other person off, and they give up.  As hard as it is not to take this stuff personally, you can’t let it get to you.  People stop writing for all kinds of reasons, none of them having to do with you.  Maybe they lost a job, are dealing with family issues, or just got bored .  Let’s be real.  Most of us don’t finish everything we start, especially when it comes to online dating.  When pressed, the same clients who complain about how other people dropped the ball on them admit that they have emails in their inbox that they haven’t answered.

So, let’s say that you started communicating with you were really excited about, and he or she stopped writing.  What can you do.  You can blow them off and just move on which is what a lot of people do, or you can say something.  If you felt like there was potential why wouldn’t you give it a try?  I wouldn’t suggest sending a second email, but one is worth a try.  The thing is that I want  you to stop playing it so safe and take some risks.  The fun in dating is being able to play and not be perfect all the time.  What better place to practice than in emails.  You have nothing to lost on a dating site with someone you’ve never met.  So get online, go through your inbox, and start emailing all those hot men and women who fell by the wayside.

Here are two examples of email threads from clients.  Hope they give you some inspiration.  They worked because they are provocative and playful.  That kind of energy is irresistable!

WonderWoman:

Since I haven’t heard from you, I thought you might have gotten kidnapped by pygmies and might need some help planning your escape.

SuperDude:

Hey!  I was just thinking about you last week, while bound and gagged!  How are you?  Can I give you a call on Monday?

WonderWoman:

LOL!  Just the way I like my men!  😉 You can reach me after 9pm.  I want to hear the whole story!

BeachGirl97
Hi, in case you hit your head and have temporary amnesia, I thought I would remind you of the cute, funny girl you were messaging…that would be ME!
rockclimberla
OMG, I did have amnesia.  Thanks for reminding me.  Can you ever forgive me?
BeachGirl97
If you take me to a nice dinner or buy me gifts, I am sure I can forgive anything.  But you have to hurry up and ask me out.  This email has an expiration date and will self-destruct within one week.  :-)

PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

 

 

 

Does Online Dating Work?

Does Online Dating Work?

According to an article that ran In Discovery News, it definitely does!

“In fact, the Internet has become one of the most popular places for people to meet, according to the 2010 large-scale survey How Couples Meet and Stay Together.  (Online dating) definitely works,” said Reuben J. Thomas, an assistant professor of sociology at the City University of New York, who collaborated on the survey. “We estimate that 23 percent of the couples in the U.S. who met in the two years from 2007 to 2009 met online. More people meet online now than meet through school, work, church, bars, parties, et cetera.”

“Online dating sites are all about bringing people together, and sometimes it forms this illusion that with a few clicks of the mouse you can find your soul mate,” Rutgers communications assistant professor Jennifer Gibbs said. “But really, that’s just the first step, and to get to know the person there’s a process of developing a relationship.”

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

Online dating isn’t the answer to all our dating problems.  It only gets the ball rolling by helping you connect with a wider range of other available singles.  You get to email, IM, and flirt with people all from the comfort  of your own home.  No more need to scour single’s parties, gyms, or bars to meet people.

Internet dating can seem dry and impersonal to some of you, but it is here to stay.  I wouldn’t knock it.  Almost every client I’ve had has complained about Internet dating, only to eventually meet someone online.  It takes time and energy like anything else you do in life.  Don’t expect miracles.  Don’t expect  to put your profile up and get slammed with emails, especially if you are over 45.  Unless you post overtly sexual photos, you might won’t get many emails.  This happens with a lot of my clients.  But these are the clients who eventually meet someone.

Don’t give up.  Slow and steady wins the race.  But while you are out there, don’t keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  Keep trying new things.  If you aren’t getting hits, hire a professional photographer.  If you are struggling to write your profile, hire a professional writer or have a friend come over and help you write it.  Also, practice making your emails funny and playful.  Humor is very attractive.  You don’t have to be haha funny; try being witty or silly.  What you put out is what you will attract.  If you want a someone to play and laugh with, you need to use the right bait.

As the article says, getting a date is just the beginning.  Once you meet someone, you have to know how to turn that initial connection into a relationship.  This is where the real work begins.  Many people are getting dates online but they don’t know how to create a connection on a date.  If you are struggling to get to the next level, hire a professional coach to help you.  When many of my clients come to me, they can’t get past a first date.  I show my clients all kinds of ways to connect in an emotionally intimate way with their dates and create a connection that can, and often does, turn into a lasting relationship.  I teach my clients Naked Dating.  They learn how to open their hearts and share in a vulnerable and emotionally intimate way.  Almost every single client who works with me comes back and says that the coaching isn’t just helping them with dating, it helps them improve every relationship in their lives.

If you are single and struggling to meet someone, call me today for a sample session and see what Naked Dating can do for you!  And look for my upcoming book:  Naked Dating: Finding True Love with Nothing to Hide

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

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