Molly, a petit blonde in her early thirties, likes to talk in fake accents, is easily amused, and gives everyone in her life nicknames. She’s also one of the most endearing clients I’ve ever coached. We’ve been working together for over two years. In that time, we’ve developed a deep bond. I feel so fortunate to be coaching with her and to have witnessed her remarkable transformation.
When Molly first started seeing me, she had shortage of dates, but she wasn’t able to turn any of those connections into the kind of relationship she really wanted. Whenever she started dating someone, she would freak out the minute she sensed the slightest change in their connection. Maybe he would stop texting as frequently or fail to make plans in advance for the weekend. The smallest shift in the relationship would kick up her defenses and cause her to become passive-aggressive and play games. It didn’t help that all of her friends egged her on, telling her to “not answer his texts” and to “let him come to her.”
Through a process I developed called Naked Dating®, I showed Molly a different way to date, one where she could stop playing mind games and be honest and real instead. With my help, she learned to use the dating process to practice getting emotionally naked and speaking up for herself without coming across as needy, desperate, angry, or insecure. Molly admits that it was hard to stop running away and face her fear of rejection, but her willingness to do whatever it took to break this pattern has totally changed her dating and her life.
Here’s what Molly had to say about her experience…
What prompted you to call me?
I had been in a relationship for 7 years, so when I found myself back in the dating world again it was different and scary. I noticed that I was making mistakes, but I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and no one was able to tell me. You’re the only one who said, “Molly, you’re not being vulnerable.” No one had ever said that to me before. You told me that I had this whole wall built up. I never knew that. I just knew that, at first, the guys were so into me. They really liked me, but then it always ended the same way. They would pull away and then I would pull away, too. They never even knew I liked them or needed anything from them. I always played it cool so they wouldn’t see that I was hurt. I would just walk away and never talk to them again. I would be falling apart on the inside, but I would never let them know. I did this for years. I wanted to stop it, but until I met you, I didn’t know how.
What is like to coach with me?
It feels like I have someone on my side, someone who knows me and doesn’t just agree with me to make me feel better. You tell it like it is and you make me think outside of my own ways. You come from a place of love and compassion and not many people do. The advice I get from everyone else is harsh and black-and-white and self-serving. My girlfriends tell me that, if someone doesn’t call, to just screw it and move on. It’s always, “Play the game, don’t be available, and get your game face on.”
How’s that working for them?
Well, they’re very single. I have this one friend. She is the most defensive person I know. She always tells me that I overthink things and worry too much, but now I see that she is the one who’s playing it cool, just like I used to do. She’s so guarded and I can see that she doesn’t let people in. She always tries to make me feel like a fool and like I being overly emotional about things.
If were going to tell this friend about coaching what would you say to her?
I would say that Lisa’s an angel. She’s honest, insightful, and very compassionate so I feel very comfortable being open and honest with her and I don’t have to hide my truth from her like I do with other people. I can honestly say that she knows me better than people who’ve known me for ten years. It’s been life changing for me. It’s helped me tap into a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. Coaching with Lisa is like working muscles I didn’t know I had. It’s helped me become more self-aware, more peaceful, and more spiritual. I feel like I have a safe place to go where I don’t feel as lost. When I can’t relate to anyone else and I feel like I can always relate to her. She never embarrasses me or makes me feel judged.
How has coaching with me affected your life in general?
I have made so many changes over the last year: I’ve moved cities and I have a brand new career. I also have a better view of myself and I am more careful about who I let into my life. Another thing you’ve helped me discover is my spiritual side and you’ve shown me how important it is to keep improving myself. I am now able express myself more honestly and I have a better handle on my emotions. The coaching has helped me have better relationships with everyone in my life.
How has the coaching directly affected your dating?
I used to attract men who were very egotistical and self-serving. They really weren’t interested in getting to know me. They liked the idea of who I was better than who I actually am. Instead of looking for someone who was loving and gentle and showed up for me, I also got caught up in appearances. One thing you told me that always sticks out in my mind is to look for someone kind. So, now I always ask myself, would this man be good and kind to me.
You’ve also encouraged me to put myself far outside my comfort zone in other ways. You’ve encouraged me to say things I never thought humanly possible to say. You’ve made me ask the hard questions. It’s been challenging, but I needed somebody to get me out of my own way and not just tell me what I wanted hear.
You’ve continued coaching with me even now that you’re in a new relationship. Why?
The coaching has been indispensible. You’ve been there for me every step of the way. I know that I can call you anytime I get scared and want to run away. You encourage me to do the complete opposite of what I normally do and it works every time. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and I am not pushing him away. Lately we’ve been hitting a few hurdles and it’s been really hard because this is the point where I usually shut down. This time, instead of running, I thought of you and I just texted him and let him know how I was feeling. When you told me that it was a perfect text, I felt so proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I couldn’t have done this without you.
How does this relationship compare to others you’ve been in?
It’s a lot deeper. He’s said things to me and I’ve said things to him that I’ve never said to anyone in a relationship. I am still very scared and I am still not sure. I wish I could say that everything has fallen in to place, but I am learning to deal with real life issues by being loving and undemanding and seeing someone else’s perspective. You keep reminding me to be compassionate and act like a grown woman and not a little girl. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do this without your help. Before this, I didn’t have a clue how to relate to a man at a deeper level.
I know you had a lot of resistance to online dating but you met your current boyfriend online. Can you share a little bit about what that process was like for you?
Going online was way out of my comfort zone. I never had any trouble getting dates, so I didn’t see the point, but you kept insisting that I do it so I finally agreed. It was a very humbling experience. People I know saw my profile. I got messages from my cousin and from friends of my uncle and sister. What made me stick in there was that I didn’t want to look back ten years from now and think that maybe I missed out on a lifetime of happiness because I was too concerned with what other people thought of me.
Internet dating has allowed me to meet people I would never have crossed paths with before. It also saved me from having to go prospecting at bars and restaurants. Really young guys would hit me on and, after awhile, going out just felt like a complete waste of time. Being online is a lot more efficient because you can see what the guys are like and it cuts out a lot of the BS. I also feel like being online put me ahead of my friends who are still looking for men in clubs and bars.
What would you say to people who are hesitant about working with a coach?
I would say that Lisa can help guide you and show you a different way when you’re caught up in your own perspective. When you’re struggling, it’s invaluable to have someone who can offer you the answer. I’ve found that Lisa has gone out of her way to answer my emails and calls. I feel that, in addition to being my coach, she’s become my friend and she’s personally vested in my success. I love her. She’s the best. She has such a good heart and she’s such a loving person. I respect her and value her opinion. She’s added so much to my life. I don’t know if I would be where I am today if Lisa wasn’t a part of it.
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