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Finally, the Answer to All Your Bad Dates!

Finally, the Answer to all Your Bad Dates!

Finally, the Answer to All Your Bad Dates!

This is everyone’s dating nightmare: You’re sitting across the table from someone and the conversation is as stale as a week old Trader Joe’s baguette. He’s been ranting about his bitchy ex-girlfriend for nearly an hour, and every time you try to change the subject, he somehow manages to bring it back to her. You have visions of “accidentally” spilling your martini in his lap, but you can’t because your drink is the only thing that’s keeping you from completely losing your mind.

We’ve all been there. Bad dates, especially a string of bad ones, can be agonizing. After enough disappointments, it’s easy to feel like throwing in the towel and giving up on love completely.

But before you delete your online dating profile and resign yourself to being single forever, consider this: what if all of those dates—even the disastrous ones—are actually opportunities for you to practice becoming the person you need to be when the love of your life arrives?

Take it from someone who went out on almost 100 first dates in two years before I found my soul mate: If you want to find an incredible partner, you have to first know how to be an incredible partner—and that’s something most people don’t know how to do. Most of us don’t know how create a successful relationship with ourselves, let alone with another person.

Let me back up a minute. When I first started dating, I was a mess. I knew I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I really wanted, but I knew that I could use the dating process to help me get there. By going out on lots of dates with many different men, I was able to work through much of the anxiety I had about getting close to a man. I practiced speaking up for myself, I learned how to talk to men and ask for what I needed, and I learned how to face rejection and hear the word “no” without overreacting or taking it personally. I also became more honest, open, vulnerable, and playful. I exercised restraint and stopped having sex without a commitment. In the end, I realized that as long as I was challenging myself to grow and learn, there was no such thing as a bad date. Two years later, when I met my future husband, I was a very different woman than when I first started dating.

We all have some growing to do. So, the next time you’re on a less-than-exciting date, don’t just sit there feeling like you’re wasting your time. Ask yourself: how can I use this experience to become a more loving, openhearted person? How can I be a better listener? Is there more of myself that I need to share? What can I do to be more playful, inquisitive, and engaged?

It might seem like you’re just being faced with one disappointment after another, but the truth is you might not even be ready for the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Dating can offer lessons and challenges that you won’t get anywhere else. Going back to the example of the date with that guy who won’t stop talking about his ex, the challenge there would be to find a diplomatic way to tell him what you’re really thinking. You might say something like, “It doesn’t seem like you’re ready to date. It feels like you’re still working through your last relationship.” If you say something, you’ll walk away feeling good about speaking up, and your date will have gained a little insight into what he’s doing wrong.

In the end, dating is what you make of it. You don’t know how many dates stand between you and the love of your life, so why not use the ones in between to become the best version of yourself you can be? Take it from someone who’s been there: no matter how long the wait—and how rough the dating waters—it will all be worth it in the end.

 

Dating doesn’t have to be a drag. Click here to schedule a free consult and find out how Naked Dating® is a path that can lead to real love.

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The Rules are for Fools


Mimi9
The Rules are for Fools

In my grandmother’s era, there were lots of “rules” about dating. Her brother, my Great Uncle Sid, loves to tell the story of the first time a certain gentleman called to ask her out. Uncle Sid said that this man was handsomer than Gregory Peck and equally as charming. All the young women at the Jewish Community Center in St. Louis, MO had their eye on him, but he only had eyes for my granny.

One Thursday evening, the gentleman in question gave my grandmother a call. They chatted easily and effortlessly for a few minutes, but when she hung up the hallway phone, she collapsed in the corner and burst into tears. The family came running to see what happened. “Helen, darling,” my great grandmother said, crouching down to wipe her daughter’s tear-stained face with the hem of her apron. “Tell us what’s wrong!”

“Al Gelfand asked me on a date… b-b-but,” she replied, choking on her words, “I told him No.” My poor grandmother. Prince Charming had just asked her out and she turned him down. But why!?

“What are you talking about, Helen?” my uncle Sid said, questioning his older sister. “All you’ve been doing is blabbering about Al Gelfand for months, and now he calls, asks you on a date, and you say no?” He cocked his head to one side and raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

“You dont understand,” my grandmother lectured. “It’s Thursday and he asked me out for tomorrow night. No self-respecting girl would ever accept such an invitation! He needs to give me some advance notice. Doesn’t he think I have a social life?”

“But this morning you told me you didn’t have any plans tomorrow,” my uncle retorted.

My grandma eyed her little brother curiously. “That’s not the point,” she said, feigning an air of superiority. “Albert Gelfand needs to know that I’m in high demand and that I’m not just sitting here waiting for the likes of him to call.” She managed to remain calm for a few seconds, and then erupted into another crying fit. “Oh no!” she sobbed despairingly. “What have I done? What if he never asks me out again?”

The good news is that Al Gelfand was no slouch. He didn’t give up easily. And being the smart cookie that she was, my grandmother probably gave him a little hint before turning him down, as well. I’m sure she said something like: “I’d love to go out with you, Al, but my weekends do fill up rather quickly.” The dapper Mr. Gelfand took my grandmother’s advice to heart. The next time he called to ask her out, my future grandfather gave my grandmother plenty of notice.

In my grandmother’s day, women really had only one path in life: to become wives and mothers. My grandmother’s entire agenda was to bag a great man and, to do that, she had to use her womanly charms to lure him in. But now it’s 2016! We’ve fought long and hard for equal rights, and we have so many more opportunities available to us than just getting married. Still, when it comes to dating, many women feel the need to follow the same antiquated rules my grandma Helen did all those years ago. From never making the first move to not accepting a date without three-days advance notice, I’m shocked to see how many of my female clients still date like it’s 1936. Many women are still convinced that they have no choice but to continue playing silly games to meet a guy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there. Some of my female clients feel they need to downplay their success or accomplishments for fear of overshadowing a man. How can we have come so far in so many ways, only to feel that we still have to hide who we are? Case in point: a few months ago, my client, Maggy, told me that she was afraid of what would happen when Marco, the guy she was dating, found out that she owns three investment properties. Marco wasn’t doing as well as she was in his career and she was scared he would be intimidated by her success. Maggy is turning something that should be a blessing and make her more viable as a partner into a curse. Ironically, if she keeps downplaying her success, she will continue to attract insecure men. The right man wouldn’t be threatened by her success, he would feel proud to be with her.

Women today are not like my grandmother. We have careers, mortgages, and bank accounts of our own, and most of us don’t need a man to take care of us. It’s time to stop playing games, embrace our accomplishments, and look for men who are our equals. If you’re out in the dating world and you want to attract a good man, don’t play by my grandmother’s rules—in fact, don’t play by anyone’s rules. The real way to win the heart of the right man isn’t by avoiding his calls or downplaying your success; it’s by showing up authentically and opening up your heart so he can see the real you. Your soul mate can’t find you if you’re hiding behind a mask or playing by rules that were created in a different day and time. If my grandma Helen was around today, she wouldn’t kowtow to any man. She would be running the show and she’d have all the men chasing after her!

Do you want to learn how to get “naked” and show up authentically on dates? Book a consultation with me and see how I can help!

The Rules are for Fools

8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons They Ghosted You

 8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons They Ghosted You

The following article, “8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons they Ghosted You,” is from Cosmopolitan Magazine. All day long I hear from dating clients who are hurt and confused because people they were dating dropped off the face of the earth never to be seen or heard form again. No matter how you justify it, being ghosted feels awful and it is becoming increasingly common.

My approach, Naked Dating®, stresses being honest and upfront with the people you’re dating, even if it’s for a single date. The only way we can learn and grow from our dating experiences is if we are honest with each other.

Had the men in this article been able to share the truth with these women about why they didn’t want to continue seeing them, these men could have helped the women let go and move on sooner or see the things they were doing to turn these men off.

With all the different methods of electronic communication today, the men didn’t even need to talk to the women face-to face. For example, the guy who got four texts in one night from a woman he’s just met could have texted her and said: “Hey, we just met and I woke up to 4 messages from you. That’s is a little too intense and it doesn’t work for me.” You may think that not responding sends a similar message, but my guess is that this woman is really hurt and she doesn’t really know why this guy never responded to her texts. At some point we have to learn to speak up, create boundaries, and ask for what we want in a relationship. When I was dating, I was lucky to meet several men who were upfront with me about some of the things I was doing that turned them off. I am grateful to them and feel that their feedback helped me become the woman I am today.

8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons They Ghosted You

“I know most people would say I should have just told her that I didn’t see a future, but those people aren’t thinking about how insanely confrontational that could get.”

Why Rushing Into Relationships Rarely Works

 

Why Rushing Into Relationships Rarely Works

Why Rushing Into Relationships Rarely Works

So, you finally connected with someone you actually like online and you can barely contain your enthusiasm. Even if you wanted to stop yourself from getting sucked into a vortex, you can’t. All you can do is obsess over him and wonder if he’s The One. He’s totally your type—tall and dark with those slanty, puppy dog eyes you love so much. Besides, you’re already LOL-ing at his every text. At this point, you wouldn’t even consider dating anyone else. You have to see where it goes. And anyway, you’re not the type who can date more than one person at a time. So what if a week ago you didn’t even know each other? For the past six days you’ve been leaping out of bed in the morning, grabbing for your phone like some junkie desperate for a fix, then breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of his texts: “Hey Babe! Off to work. Just checkin in. Wassup tonight? Wanna catch a movie?” Knowing that you were the first person he was thinking of each morning makes you tingle from head to toe. He’s your new best friend and the two of you haven’t even met yet. This happens all the time in the dating world.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how the rest of this story ends… but I will. More often than not our heroine—that would be you—crashes and burns. Either she goes out and sleeps with him right away, and he disappears or she tells him she’s not that kind of girl and that she is looking for a committed relationship, and he disappears. Next comes the fatal morning when she wakes up, checks her phone, and just like that there’s no cute text waiting from him. No matter how much she tells herself that she shouldn’t take it personally, she can’t help but think she must have done something wrong.

I was that woman once. I didn’t have the first clue about how to look for a life partner. Like a lot of the women I coach, I got sucked into the instant relationship vortex all the time. I just figured that, if a guy was paying attention to me, it must mean that he thought I was special. I wanted a relationship so badly that I never stopped to think this might not be the case. It took me a long time to figure out that I was making a lot of assumptions about the way men think that were just plain wrong.

I am not telling you that these things never work out. All I am saying is that you might save yourself a lot of time and heartache by slowing down and entering into your next relationship in a more conscious way.

So, let’s break this scenario down and look at some of the mistakes you might be making:

  1. Mistake #1: Assuming that when a man pursues you it means he wants to have a relationship with you.

We hear it all the time: men love “the chase.” Supposedly, it’s how they’re wired. It has something to do with stalking and hunting behaviors from bygone days. In truth, most women love being pursued by men, too, because it triggers our need to feel desired. But just because a man shows interest, you can’t assume that he wants to have a relationship with you. By and large, women are seeking committed relationships while most men are actively looking for sexual conquests. If a man happens to meet someone special and he is ready for a commitment, he might go for it, but this isn’t his main agenda. You have to be aware that even good guys will sleep with you if they think you’re hot and you’re willing to put out. So, if you’re serious about finding a life partner, you need to slow down and find out if the guy you’re falling for is really interested in getting to know you or if he’s just interested in sleeping with you. If he’s only interested in sex, it isn’t going to go anywhere, no matter how excited he seems in the beginning. You can be sure that, when the conquest is over, your love story will abruptly and tragically come to an end.

  1. Mistake #2: Assuming that just because a man is texting you all day everyday, he’s interested in getting to know you.

Texting might be one the very best things that ever happened to men. They can seduce women and ask them out on dates without ever having to actually speak to them. In fact, just by texting a woman at frequent intervals, a man can hook her into thinking he’s interested in her. Be careful. Don’t make these texts mean more than they do. You can’t assume that just because a man is texting you, it means he’s interested in really getting to know you. How do you know that some guy you just met isn’t sending the same morning text to five other women? I’m not telling you this to make you more suspicious of men. I am telling you this because you need to take care of yourself and start to enter into relationships with both eyes and ears open and both feet on the ground.

  1. Mistake #3: Assuming that just because a guy is crazy about you he’s right for you.

Even if he is pushing hard, moving fast, and showing you a lot of interest, you cannot assume that he’s your soul mate. In fact, many men intentionally try to sweep us off our feet. The faster they move, the less time we have to think about whether or not they’re really a good fit for us. Many men will come at you hard and fast and try to sweep you off your feet because it reduces the risk of rejection for them. Given enough time, you would probably decide that a cute starving artist isn’t really worth the time and trouble. Especially after you go to dinner a couple of times and he starts forgetting his wallet.

  1. Assuming that just because you’re ready for an instant relationship he is, too.

Just because someone shows interest in you, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re the only person he’s interested in dating. There’s a huge leap between finding a person attractive and wanting to be in a relationship with that person. Even if someone does want to explore a relationship with you right away, you need to slow it down. Two people shouldn’t be exclusive right out of the starting gate. They should pace themselves and space out their dates to one or two a week for the first few weeks. It boggles my mind to see how people are so quick to create what I refer to as instant relationships, to go from not knowing someone at all to texting each other morning, noon, and night—all within in a matter of days. I know you want to get off the dating scene and start building a future with someone, but you need to be careful about who you let into your life. Take the time to get to know someone and rush into a relationship with anyone.

Staying grounded when some totally hot guy is showing a lot of interest in you can be hard, but recovering from the disappointment of your failed expectations can be even harder. Many guys out there know how to play into our romantic fantasies and sweep us off our feet. Hey, who doesn’t love a hot romance, but finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with probably won’t result from some instant relationship. It’s up to you to keep your wits about you and resist the urge to fall into that vortex. Slow down and find a great man who is on the same page as you are. This way you’ll have someone who wants to write a storybook romance with you!

If you get anxious and rush into relationships too fast, book a consultation with me to learn how to manage your anxiety so you can find a relationship that will last!

Why Rushing Into Relationships Rarely Works

 

Don’t Fall Victim to These 6 Dating Traps

Don't Fall Victim to these 6 Dating Traps

Don’t Fall Victim to these 6 Dating Traps

A lot of current dating advice seems to encourage women to play games and dumb themselves down in order to attract a man—don’t be too available, don’t initiate, don’t return his calls, don’t be anxious, don’t be too independent… If I had been reading some of this stuff when I dated fifteen years ago, I don’t know if I ever would have gone out on a single date!

When I dated fifteen years ago, I was getting my master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology and I was involved in some other spiritually based programs. So, I saw the dating process as an extension of the spiritual journey I was on. Instead of pondering the differences between men and women, I viewed every date as a chance to become more open and vulnerable with men–even if I never saw the guy again. I practiced being grateful, kind, playful, positive, warm, and diplomatic–all qualities a man would find attractive.

At first glance, some of what I’ve written below might not sound all that different from what you’ve read elsewhere, but read it carefully. Most of what I am saying isn’t about what to do or not do on a date; it has to do with the mindset you have while dating. We create what we focus on. So, it is important to set the right intentions for yourself as you date. If what you’re focusing on is getting a big ring, that’s what you’ll attract. If you focus on finding a passionate, unconditionally loving relationship, that’s what you will attract. I am not saying you can’t have both, but you need to be clear about your intentions. You need to be honest with yourself about what you’re seeking and why you’re seeking it or you just might wind up with a chunk of ice on your finger and a hole in your heart. My suggestion is this: focus on attracting unconditional love and everything else will fall into place!

#1: If you just go out on enough dates, you will eventually meet the right person

If you’ve got issues and baggage that you haven’t dealt with, it’s not going to bring you any closer to the kind of relationship you’re truly looking for. The real goal with dating is to keep evolving; it’s not about repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but coming back from each date and being honest with yourself. I encourage my clients to ask themselves questions after each date, such as “What did I learn about myself?” “What did I learn about dating?” “How can I start opening up with my dates and become more emotionally naked and vulnerable?” Use the dating process as an opportunity to grow and evolve, so that when you do meet the right person you’ll be ready.

#2: A man will lose respect for a woman if she sleeps with him right away

Many men say that, if they’re really into a woman, they don’t care how soon they have sex. The real reason not to sleep together early on is because sex gets in the way of building emotional intimacy, and this is the most important part of any relationship. Most people don’t know how to open up and be vulnerable with someone they are attracted to. They are afraid that, if someone they’re dating sees something he or she doesn’t like, the person will leave. So, they have sex instead. I encourage both men and women to wait to have sex so that they can learn how to get emotionally naked first. Vulnerability is what will lead to deeper intimacy and ultimately keep two people together in the long run. It will also lead to better and more connected sex.

#3: Let the man be the man

Men aren’t from Mars and women aren’t from Venus. We’re both from planet Earth. We actually want the same things; we just go about getting our needs met differently. We both want safety, trust, good communication, compassion (and passion), and empathy. When I was dating, I was never burdened by concerns about whether I was being “feminine enough” or “letting the man be the man.” The question I always asked myself was, “Is my behavior attractive?” Was I being anxious, overbearing, controlling, self absorbed…? These behaviors are unattractive, and they have nothing to do with being a man or a woman. It is important to note that the answers men and women get when they ask the question, “Is this attractive behavior?” will be different. What a man will feel is attractive (or unattractive) behavior for him and what a woman thinks is attractive behavior for her are not the same. As they keep exploring this question, their natural feminine or masculine tendencies will start to emerge.

#4: To attract an alpha male you have to be a passive female

There is an endless stream of information telling women that the way to make men feel feel empowered is to stop being strong and assertive and start being passive and submissive. The problem is that women are no longer stuck in the house raising babies. They are taking over universities and, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, about 40 percent of working wives currently out-earn their husbands. Even if a woman wants to take a more passive role, it’s getting harder and harder to do so. When a woman is in charge of an entire team of people at work, its ludicrous to think that she should have to sit around and wait for a man to make the first move. That’s exactly what Whitney Wolfe thought when she invented Bumble, the first dating APP where single women initiate contact with single men. There is a difference between being a strong and independent woman and being controlling or domineering. A truly confidant man will find a strong, capable woman attractive. He won’t try to clip her wings or hold her back so that he can feel like the dominant one in the relationship. He also won’t mind when the check comes for dinner and she says, “This one’s on me!”

#5: There are rules for dating

There are no rules for dating and there is no one size fits all strategy. Some people are not assertive and they have to learn how to be more so, some people are very aggressive and they need to learn to tone it down. As you embark on this quest to find unconditional love it’s all about finding out what works for you and focusing on the change you need to make to be a better person—and, eventually, a better partner. My advice for one client might be very different than my advice to another. What I’m trying to do is get people in touch with their own personal truths and help them start living authentically from that place so they can attract the kind of partner who is right for them. The truth is that you can’t live by someone else’s rules in life or in dating. You have to learn to trust and follow your own heart.

#6: Dating is about getting someone to commit

The focus of dating should not be on getting a ring or getting someone to commit. Yes, eventually you want to get into a committed relationship, but first you need to get to know someone and see if you’re a good match. People today have instant gratification syndrome. They want everything, NOW! But it doesn’t work that way. There is no fast track when it comes to relationships. Slow is fast. I truly believe dating is an exercise in learning how to let go and not take things so personally. It’s about learning to accept other people, letting go of your judgments, blocks, and barriers, and becoming a more open, loving person. Take it from me—I went on almost 100 first dates before I met the love of my life. Patience truly is a virtue! As you become a more open, loving person, you will attract the love you want. In the meantime, stop focusing on the outcome and start using the dating process as an opportunity to grow.

 

 

Are you struggling with dating and need advice? Book a consultation and see how I can help!

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BAD DATING ADVICE: Won’t get you the man you want

Following Bad Dating Advice Won’t Attract the Man You Really Want

 

confused young woman posing on a white background

 

Recently, I’ve been receiving calls from several highly intelligent, attractive, and independent women who had been following some bad dating advice they’d been reading online and in some popular dating books. They told me they were afraid to initiate contact online, return texts or calls from men, or ask a guy if he wants a relationship. They’d read that such behaviors would be perceived as aggressive and chase men away. These women had been advised to “let the man be the man” and trust that he would pursue them if he was interested. (As a funny aside: I was once putting away the many bags of groceries we had gotten from Whole Foods, my husband call out from the other room: “Babe, I’d help you put the groceries away, but I’m letting you be the woman!”)

Following bad dating advice will make you feel worse!

I could see that this bad dating advice was causing these women to suppress their true emotions and making them feel more anxious and insecure. In fact, they seemed so inhibited and confused that it would be very difficult for them to relax on a date. I can’t imagine the kind of emotionally available men they want to attract being emotionally attracted to them in the state they’re in. What I find troubling is that these women had really bought into this bad dating advice and it wasn’t easy for me to convince them that it wasn’t true.

Are women being encouraged to go backwards?

So, here’s the deal: not only is much of this information antiquated, it is also wrong. The last thing women need is to be told that we should revert to acting helpless to get a man’s attention. It is ludicrous to wait for a man to call or ask us out online. If you want to contact a man, contact him. You have every right to reach out once or twice to let someone know you’re interested. If he doesn’t respond, you need to let it go and move on. No one likes to feel rejected, but men have to deal with it all the time.

Another piece of really bad dating advice is the idea that, if a woman asks a man what he’s looking for in a relationship, he will think she’s being pushy and it will scare him off. Sure, if he’s the wrong guy, he’s only after sex, or the timing is bad, it might scare him away. But if he is a mature man and he’s genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will be open to having a conversation about your relationship so he can get closer to you.

You need to let a man know you’re interested

I never applied any of this bad dating advice when I met my husband. It never even occurred to me that it would chase him away if I showed interest. In fact, after our first date, he went home and took his online dating profile down. He’s told me that that, if I had been following this kind of bad dating advice, he would have be turned off. The truth is that, if a man wants to get to know you, he will be grateful if you meet him halfway. A man wants a woman who is receptive, responsive, and appreciative of what he has to offer. This is the kind of woman a man will marry.

If you listen to bad dating advice and you play hard to get, it will make you seem like you’re unavailable and you’ll actually attract the wrong kind of men; men who are attracted to unavailable women are also unavailable—players, relationship avoidants, commitmentphobes—call them what you will… they will chase you, but they won’t want you when they get you because they really don’t want a relationship. The minute you show interest in having a relationship, they will run for the hills. Been there?

A real man knows what he wants. If he is attracted to you and wants to date you, he will want you to be available and he won’t get scared if you ask to spend more time with him. If you turn him on, he will be excited to spend more time with you. But if you play hard to get and you sit around and wait for a guy to call, he might think you aren’t interested and he will give up.

The Bad Dating Epidemic: A Cautionary Tale

I once met a happily married couple that told me that, because of some bad dating advice, their relationship almost didn’t get off the ground. She had been told not to return a man’s calls. So, when her husband originally left a message asking her out, she never phoned back. Believe it or not, this happens all the time. Months later, they ran into each other at a party. She joked with him about not getting together, and he told her that he thought she wasn’t interested because she never returned his call.

She suddenly became serious, and said, “But I didn’t want you to think I was too aggressive.”

“Huh?” he asked, looking at her like she was speaking a strange foreign language. “You thought I would think you were too aggressive because you returned my call?”

“Well, yeah. I mean men like a chase, right?” she said.

“But you would have been returning my call,” he replied, looking even more confused.

At that moment, this woman realized she had been suffering from a serious case of bad dating advice. Luckily, she got a another chance to set the record straight. Not everyone does. So watch out, bad dating advice is becoming something of an epidemic, and it could kill your chances at a relationship if you’re not careful.

If you want to attract a man who is honest and upfront, you need to be honest and upfront. If you want to date the kind of men you’re attracted to, you need to start initiating contact. If you want to find a man who communicates and isn’t afraid of emotional intimacy, you need to start having emotionally intimate conversations with men.

I am sure many of you cringed when you read that last paragraph, but I will say it again: If you want to find your guy, you need to stop following all this bad dating advice and start going for what you want. A man is either interested in getting to know you or he isn’t. Playing games will only chase the right men away!

Naked Dating and learn how to attract the love of your life!

Book a consultation with me, Lisa Shield, by clicking here:

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Online Dating: Getting Back in the Groove

Online Dating: Getting Back Into the Groove

Are you in a slump and need some help getting back into the online dating groove? Here’s the first thing you need to know: after a few months of online dating, it is inevitable to go through a slump and for feelings of futility and frustration to set in. This can feel especially discouraging if you’re doing everything can at your end to meet someone. It’s hard not to feel disheartened when the initial rush of emails you got when you first signed up dies down, your searches for a partner net fewer and fewer prospects, and you start to see the same boring profiles over and over again. But almost everyone goes through this! Even though the novelty of online dating has worn off and you’re no longer the ‘new kid on the block,’ you can’t let it get you down.

Here’s what one client said when her online dating began to slow down: “I really did not know that ‘a slump was inevitable,’ so this is important information. Now that I know this, I can feel more at ease with the process.” She went on to say that, after 25 years away from men, all the attention she got through online dating was intoxicating, and “it was almost a feeling of withdrawal when it all came to a halt!”

The truth is, you might be doing everything right and it’s just be a matter of time—and timing—before you meet someone. It’s entirely possible that, at this very moment, the future love of your life is getting out of a relationship and is planning on posting an online dating profile in the days or weeks to come. You never know. What you need to remember is that, for a romantic connection to happen, two people’s lives have to align. So even if you’re ready to meet your life partner, your future life partner might not be ready to meet you.

It’s also important to remember that, just because it seems like there’s little movement on the online dating front, it doesn’t mean there’s nothing happening. Even if you’re not getting as many emails responses or dates as you’d like, you are always evolving and getting clearer about what you want in a partner and in a relationship.

I have many clients who went on very few dates and still found someone special through online dating. Remember, it only takes one date to change your life forever. If you feel like you should be doing more, I would encourage you to read relationship-related books, work with a coach, or spend time meditating and envisioning the kind of relationship you want. You can also write love letters to your future mate. This isn’t as far-fetched as it sounds. The more real you can make this person seem, the more connected you will stay to your online dating journey.

Something I often suggest to my clients is that they practice becoming more comfortable with all members of the opposite sex, even if they aren’t people you would ever date. As crazy as this sounds, spend time connecting at a deeper level with members of the opposite sex in your immediate world. If you’re a guy, spend time with your mother, sister, or aunt. If you’re a woman, spend time with your father, brother, or uncle. It’s also nice to make a few friends of the opposite sex. Learning to flatter them, have playful banter, and understand what lights them up will bring these relationships alive in a whole new way. It will also help you feel more at ease when it comes to online dating.

Something else to consider is that, no matter how open and ready you are to meeting your partner, you may be resisting the process in ways you haven’t considered. It helps to keep reminding yourself to let go and surrender to the online dating process. Pay attention to any resistance you have to what’s happening and listen for any judgments that you might have about yourself, other people, and online dating in general. Here are some things you might be telling yourself that are causing your resistance:

  • I should be getting more dates.
  • Online dating works for other people but not for me.
  • There’s no one I’m interested in dating online.
  • I’m too old to meet someone.
  • I should have started this process much sooner.
  • This is never going to happen.
  • I’m wasting my time.
  • All the good ones are taken.
  • I can’t write flirty emails.
  • The people I’m interested in aren’t contacting me.
  • I’m not attracted to any of the people who contact me.
  • I’m too boring for anyone to date me.
  • I don’t know how to date.
  • _____________________________________________________
  • _____________________________________________________
  • _____________________________________________________

 

The number one way that people hinder the online dating process is by not being open to enough matches. Online dating makes it way too easy to eliminate people for superficial reasons. Many people today say they want a partner, but they aren’t willing to compromise on anything. I have even had female clients who are 5’4” who insist on only dating men who are 6’ or taller and male clients who are of average good looks who would only email the prettiest women. Odds are your ideal match is not going to come in the exact package you would like. When my husband and I met, he was about 3 inches taller than me. The other day, when he walked over to kiss me, I was towering over him. We both burst out laughing. I kicked off my shoes, but I was still quite a bit taller. So, even if you do get what you want in the beginning, you have no idea what’s in store for you. Please, please, PLEASE, give more people a chance. I promise you, people will surprise you if you let them.

The bottom line is that it takes patience and perseverance to find the right partner online. Two people’s lives have to line up for that to happen, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Sometimes you will get a surge of new interest from potential matches, other times it will feel as slow as molasses. The key is to stick in there and do your best to go with the flow. The more you can get out of your own way and not take it personally, the easier—and faster—your online dating journey will seem!

 To book a consultation with Lisa Shield and find out if coaching is for you, click here:

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Being Too Strong Won’t Attract The Right Man

being too strong

Right before my 40th birthday it hit me: being too strong wasn’t attracting the right man. It had been eight years since I divorced my first husband. I’d spent most of this time working on myself. Now it was time to put myself back on the dating circuit. As I started going out on dates, I began to question some of my long held beliefs about men, women, and relationships. Because I was a strong and independent woman, I had always thought that my ideal man would have to be stronger than me so that he would “challenge me” and “take the lead.” Now I began to wonder if there was a flaw in my thinking. Was the fact that I was being too strong and independent inadvertently attracting the wrong men and pushing the right ones away?

It occurred to me that, if I wanted a man to take the lead, I needed to stop being too strong and independent. If I wanted a man to be stronger than me, I needed to stop competing with him. And if I wanted a man to be the man, I needed to start thinking and behaving more like the woman.

But what did it mean to “be the woman?” I honestly didn’t know. When I was nine, my father jilted my mother, leaving her heartbroken and humiliated. One wintery afternoon when I was fifteen, my mother and I were walking around a Midwestern shopping mall when she told me never to rely on men. “Don’t ever let a man do to you what your father did to me,” she said, trying to protect me from men like my father. Then, lifting a line from a seedy Sidney Sheldon novel, she said something I will never forget. “Remember: when they’re hard they’re soft and when they’re soft they’re hard.” Thanks Mom! Words to live by!

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You have to laugh. I mean, who quotes Sidney Sheldon to her 15-year-old daughter? But I was young and impressionable, and I took my mother’s advice to heart. I decided right then and there that I would never need a man for anything, and for many years, I didn’t.

As I got older, I pushed men away to test them and see if they were “man enough” for me. Or, if I felt an immediate attraction, I would pursue them and sleep with them right away. It never occurred to me to question my behavior. I just assumed that one day the right man would come along—one who would “get me” and know how to “handle” me.

It wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I realized there is a word for men who know how to “handle” women: They’re called players! Because I couldn’t push these men around or push them away, I made the mistake of thinking that they were “real men” and that they were interested in getting to know me. Men who were “too available” bored me to tears, but the players I met were tenacious. They knew what they wanted and they went for it. I loved the feeling of being pursued by a man who seemed to know what he wanted—especially when what he wanted was me.

I didn’t understand at the time that players are really only after the thrill of the chase. They aren’t interested in getting to know us at all. They just want sex. To them, it’s all a game. The harder we make them work, the more fun it is for them. Ultimately, if it doesn’t work out with one woman, they’ll just try again with someone else. That’s a comforting thought.

This all makes perfect sense to me now. Think about it: when a man is attracted to a woman and she rejects him, he feels hurt and he figures she isn’t interested. It’s ridiculous to think that he should keep coming back for more rejection. If a man rejected me, I wouldn’t keep pursuing him—would you? There are many unflattering words in the English language for people who keep coming back and don’t get the hint: needy, anxious, clueless, masochistic…

Once I realized how flawed my thinking had been, it changed my entire approach to dating. I began to have more respect for men. I stopped being too strong and independent and I started looking for ways to empower men so that they felt that they could take the lead. I also stopped looking for some immediate chemical rush and started looking for a connection that felt grounded and real. I stopped thinking that relationships should be complicated and challenging and started believing that they could be open, honest, and easy. I stopped finding unavailable men attractive and started opening up to the men who were attracted to me. But most of all, I admitted to myself that I wanted a man in my life, and in order to have that, I had to start trusting them. When I accepted this, I softened and became more open and vulnerable. It wasn’t long before I attracted a real man—one who knows how to take care of a woman and who loves taking care of me.

If you want to discover Naked Dating and learn how to attract the love of your life, feel free to book a free consultation with me, Lisa Shield, by clicking here:

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Molly’s Story

naked dating lisa shieldMolly, a petit blonde in her early thirties, likes to talk in fake accents, is easily amused, and gives everyone in her life nicknames. She’s also one of the most endearing clients I’ve ever coached. We’ve been working together for over two years. In that time, we’ve developed a deep bond. I feel so fortunate to be coaching with her and to have witnessed her remarkable transformation. 

When Molly first started seeing me, she had shortage of dates, but she wasn’t able to turn any of those connections into the kind of relationship she really wanted. Whenever she started dating someone, she would freak out the minute she sensed the slightest change in their connection. Maybe he would stop texting as frequently or fail to make plans in advance for the weekend. The smallest shift in the relationship would kick up her defenses and cause her to become passive-aggressive and play games. It didn’t help that all of her friends egged her on, telling her to “not answer his texts” and to “let him come to her.”

Through a process I developed called Naked Dating®, I showed Molly a different way to date, one where she could stop playing mind games and be honest and real instead.  With my help, she learned to use the dating process to practice getting emotionally naked and speaking up for herself without coming across as needy, desperate, angry, or insecure. Molly admits that it was hard to stop running away and face her fear of rejection, but her willingness to do whatever it took to break this pattern has totally changed her dating and her life.


Here’s what Molly had to say about her experience…

What prompted you to call me?

I had been in a relationship for 7 years, so when I found myself back in the dating world again it was different and scary. I noticed that I was making mistakes, but I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and no one was able to tell me. You’re the only one who said, “Molly, you’re not being vulnerable.” No one had ever said that to me before. You told me that I had this whole wall built up. I never knew that. I just knew that, at first, the guys were so into me. They really liked me, but then it always ended the same way. They would pull away and then I would pull away, too. They never even knew I liked them or needed anything from them. I always played it cool so they wouldn’t see that I was hurt. I would just walk away and never talk to them again. I would be falling apart on the inside, but I would never let them know. I did this for years. I wanted to stop it, but until I met you, I didn’t know how.

What is like to coach with me?

It feels like I have someone on my side, someone who knows me and doesn’t just agree with me to make me feel better. You tell it like it is and you make me think outside of my own ways. You come from a place of love and compassion and not many people do. The advice I get from everyone else is harsh and black-and-white and self-serving. My girlfriends tell me that, if someone doesn’t call, to just screw it and move on.  It’s always, “Play the game, don’t be available, and get your game face on.”

How’s that working for them?

Well, they’re very single. I have this one friend. She is the most defensive person I know. She always tells me that I overthink things and worry too much, but now I see that she is the one who’s playing it cool, just like I used to do. She’s so guarded and I can see that she doesn’t let people in. She always tries to make me feel like a fool and like I being overly emotional about things.

If were going to tell this friend about coaching what would you say to her? 

I would say that Lisa’s an angel.  She’s honest, insightful, and very compassionate so I feel very comfortable being open and honest with her and I don’t have to hide my truth from her like I do with other people.  I can honestly say that she knows me better than people who’ve known me for ten years.  It’s been life changing for me. It’s helped me tap into a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. Coaching with Lisa is like working muscles I didn’t know I had. It’s helped me become more self-aware, more peaceful, and more spiritual. I feel like I have a safe place to go where I don’t feel as lost. When I can’t relate to anyone else and I feel like I can always relate to her. She never embarrasses me or makes me feel judged.

How has coaching with me affected your life in general?

I have made so many changes over the last year: I’ve moved cities and I have a brand new career. I also have a better view of myself and I am more careful about who I let into my life. Another thing you’ve helped me discover is my spiritual side and you’ve shown me how important it is to keep improving myself. I am now able express myself more honestly and I have a better handle on my emotions. The coaching has helped me have better relationships with everyone in my life.

How has the coaching directly affected your dating?

I used to attract men who were very egotistical and self-serving. They really weren’t interested in getting to know me. They liked the idea of who I was better than who I actually am. Instead of looking for someone who was loving and gentle and showed up for me, I also got caught up in appearances. One thing you told me that always sticks out in my mind is to look for someone kind. So, now I always ask myself, would this man be good and kind to me.

You’ve also encouraged me to put myself far outside my comfort zone in other ways. You’ve encouraged me to say things I never thought humanly possible to say. You’ve made me ask the hard questions. It’s been challenging, but I needed somebody to get me out of my own way and not just tell me what I wanted hear.

You’ve continued coaching with me even now that you’re in a new relationship. Why?

The coaching has been indispensible.  You’ve been there for me every step of the way. I know that I can call you anytime I get scared and want to run away. You encourage me to do the complete opposite of what I normally do and it works every time. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and I am not pushing him away. Lately we’ve been hitting a few hurdles and it’s been really hard because this is the point where I usually shut down. This time, instead of running, I thought of you and I just texted him and let him know how I was feeling. When you told me that it was a perfect text, I felt so proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I couldn’t have done this without you.

How does this relationship compare to others you’ve been in?

It’s a lot deeper. He’s said things to me and I’ve said things to him that I’ve never said to anyone in a relationship. I am still very scared and I am still not sure. I wish I could say that everything has fallen in to place, but I am learning to deal with real life issues by being loving and undemanding and seeing someone else’s perspective. You keep reminding me to be compassionate and act like a grown woman and not a little girl. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do this without your help. Before this, I didn’t have a clue how to relate to a man at a deeper level.

I know you had a lot of resistance to online dating but you met your current boyfriend online. Can you share a little bit about what that process was like for you?

Going online was way out of my comfort zone. I never had any trouble getting dates, so I didn’t see the point, but you kept insisting that I do it so I finally agreed. It was a very humbling experience. People I know saw my profile. I got messages from my cousin and from friends of my uncle and sister. What made me stick in there was that I didn’t want to look back ten years from now and think that maybe I missed out on a lifetime of happiness because I was too concerned with what other people thought of me.

Internet dating has allowed me to meet people I would never have crossed paths with before. It also saved me from having to go prospecting at bars and restaurants. Really young guys would hit me on and, after awhile, going out just felt like a complete waste of time. Being online is a lot more efficient because you can see what the guys are like and it cuts out a lot of the BS. I also feel like being online put me ahead of my friends who are still looking for men in clubs and bars.

What would you say to people who are hesitant about working with a coach? 

I would say that Lisa can help guide you and show you a different way when you’re caught up in your own perspective. When you’re struggling, it’s invaluable to have someone who can offer you the answer. I’ve found that Lisa has gone out of her way to answer my emails and calls.  I feel that, in addition to being my coach, she’s become my friend and she’s personally vested in my success. I love her. She’s the best.  She has such a good heart and she’s such a loving person. I respect her and value her opinion.  She’s added so much to my life. I don’t know if I would be where I am today if Lisa wasn’t a part of it.

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule a valuable session by clicking here

Jennifer’s Story

My client, Jennifer, and I have been coaching together for the past five months. Jennifer is a very attractive, high-powered professional in her early forties. Like many of my clients, she woke up one day and realized that she had attained almost everything she wanted in life except a partner to share it with. Somehow, this important piece had eluded her. Why was this beautiful, successful, sexy woman still single? Jennifer decided to hire a dating coach to help her find out. As luck would have it, that dating coach was me.

Jennifer has been a joy to work with—she’s a dream client. I love her sense of humor and I have so much respect for the way she’s stretched herself and grown throughout the coaching process. I thought she’d be the perfect person to interview for this newsletter so that she could share her experience of what it’s like to work with a dating coach. So, without further adieu, here’s Jennifer!

Lisa: So, what prompted you to contact a dating coach?

Jennifer: Well, absolutely nothing was happening on the dating front, and it started to become clear to me that I needed help figuring out what I was doing wrong. Something happened that got me to start looking for a coach. Did I ever tell you that story?

L: No, but I would love to hear about it.

J: This is really embarrassing, but I was watching The Biggest Loser and there was this guy. I think he was about 24. He’d been overweight all his life and he’d ever been on a date, so he felt pretty lousy about himself. The show thought it might help him stay on his diet if they hired a dating coach for him. He was set up on dates and then the coach gave him feedback on how he did. It got me thinking: “If this guy can get someone to help him date, why can’t I?” So, right then and there, I went and Googled dating coaches… and whose name should pop up? I was able to book a session right away through your online calendar so I just went for it… and the rest is history.

L: I love it! What were you hoping to get from working with a dating coach?

J: My friends were willing to give me dating advice, but they knew me too well to tell me what my barriers were, and I certainly wasn’t able to see them on my own. So, I figured it would be helpful to get a fresh perspective. I knew that some of the behaviors that came so naturally to me must not be attractive to men. I didn’t know if maybe I seemed standoffish or if I just wasn’t being warm and open, but I felt that a dating expert could help me see what I was doing wrong.

L: What have you learned from the coaching? 

J: OMG! I’ve learned a ton from you… so much that it’s hard to put into words. You’ve completely changed my mindset and outlook on dating. You encouraged me to embrace the softer side of myself. You told me that guys are not looking for a business associate; they want a playmate, a lover, and a best friend—someone they can love and feel safe opening up to.

Schedule a session with Lisa by clicking on this link

Another thing you pointed out is that I rush around a lot.  I’m a very type A personality. You encouraged me to slow down and be more present.  You said that women who are present and in their bodies are more sensual and more attractive to men.

You also radically changed the way I think about the kind of men I should be looking for.  You encouraged me not to be in such a hurry to meet someone. You said that I should enjoy the process of getting to know men and letting them get to know me.  I had a lot of barriers up.  I was always giving men the stiff arm and I certainly wasn’t practicing getting Naked. I was dating, but I wasn’t letting anyone get close to me: “You stay over there and I will tell you as much as I want to tell you when I want tell it to you.”  That’s not good behavior if you want to form a relationship.

There is so much that I’ve learned.  I think about what you tell me all the time, and I hope I’m putting it into practice.  Just being able to describe all of this is monumental for me.  These concepts are really simple, but if someone doesn’t know them, they could be sitting on the sidelines forever.

L: Would you mention three things you appreciate about having me as your coach?

J: The first thing is that your comments and observations are down-to-earth and real. I love how you discourage playing games of any kind. You’ve shown me how to go out on dates and practice getting emotionally naked so that a man can get to know and fall in love with the real me. The guidance you’ve given me is practical and it really works.

Another thing I appreciate about you is that I don’t feel like I’m just another client. I feel like I am your project, but in a good way. You truly care. You even touch base with me outside of the sessions.  You are continually nudging me to be active and pursue dating.  I genuinely feel that you want me to find a life partner as much as I do… and that’s unusual.  I feel like you put your heart and soul into helping your clients.

The third thing I love about you is that you tell it like it is. I will never forget the time you called me to the carpet and said that I sucked as a client. You said that you were frustrated because I had everything going for me and you couldn’t help me if I wasn’t going to help myself. That was really impressive because I am paying you to coach me, but that didn’t matter to you. You were more committed to telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. You were trying to figure out a way to shake me up and get me moving in the right direction.  I loved that.  It was the greatest experience.

L: If people are on the fence about hiring a dating coach, what would you tell them? 

J: Don’t be embarrassed about it. It’s okay to admit that you need help with this part of your life. Your prince won’t arrive if you’re stuck in your everyday life. You need to have someone to help you get out of your own way so that you can connect with your prince and let him in.  We’re so willing to ask for help in other ways, whether it using a financial adviser or getting a personal trainer. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that you need a little help in the dating world.  I had to see that I couldn’t do it myself.  I had to see that I needed an outside opinion. I had to get out of my own way. Don’t be embarrassed to embrace learning about the dating process. Working with you is one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule a valuable session by clicking here

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