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Naked Truth #2: It Doesn’t Always Pay to Pull Out all the Stops on a First Date

Naked Truth #2: It Doesn’t Always Pay to Pull Out all the Stops on a First Date

Naked Truth #2: It Doesn’t Always Pay to Pull Out all the Stops on a First Date

Lots of guys think they have to go all out on the first date to impress a woman and get her interested, but the date itself is really only a small part of the equation. When you read my assistant’s story below about her two Tinder dates (and find out which guy she ended up with!) you might consider getting to know someone a little better before you go for broke. -Lisa

Two years ago, fresh out of grad school and single as I’d ever been, I downloaded Tinder. I was tired of hanging around the same guys in the tight-knit L.A. circle I had floated in and out of since college, and I figured I’d give it a shot. In the three months I was on the app, I only ended up going out with two of the guys I matched with… but the dates couldn’t have been more different.

I met the first guy, Robby, for drinks at a dive bar of his choosing in Santa Monica. I didn’t feel some over-the-top attraction at first, but I had a good time. He was handsome and intelligent. We spent about 45 minutes together, enjoyed some interesting conversation about music and art, and parted ways. I didn’t know if I would see him again, but there was a quiet confidence about him that intrigued me, and so I checked the box for “maybe” in my head.

My second Tinder date was, coincidentally, scheduled for the following night. (I wasn’t one to waste any time!) Let’s just say this one was a step up from drinks at a dive bar. Brendan had an “extra” ticket for the sold-out Paul McCartney concert at Dodger Stadium. He lived within walking distance of the show, so I met him at his place before the gig. When I arrived, I saw that he had arranged an elaborate wine and cheese spread on his back patio and had cued the new Sharon Van Etten record we’d been chatting about over text on his sound system. It was pretty adorable. When we got to the venue, I was pleasantly surprised to find our seats were top notch— on the floor, just behind third base. “If this is all for the first date,” I thought to myself, as Sir Paul transitioned into ‘Blackbird,’ “what would he possibly do for our second?”

Well…. we never made it there. Brendan was a total sweetheart, and we had a good time together, but as we were walking back from the concert that night, my mind turned—rather unexpectedly—to Robby. Here I was, on this incredible date with this sweet guy who had clearly put a lot of effort (and $$$) into showing me a good time, and I was thinking about the guy who picked the less-than-impressive dive bar for our first meeting? Let’s just say I was as surprised by my reaction as you probably are, dear reader. But, as Emily Dickinson once wrote, “the heart wants what the heart wants – or else it does not care.”

The next morning, I woke up to a text from Robby asking how the concert was. (I had mentioned I was going, but had conveniently left out the fact that it was with another guy I had met on Tinder.) We texted back and forth for a bit, and he asked me if I’d like to have dinner with him later that week. This time, he stepped up his game and suggested a nice restaurant in Venice Beach.

I have to admit, the date felt a little awkward in the beginning. While it wasn’t our first meeting, we still hadn’t had the time to develop any real rapport. We were both too nervous to eat a big meal, so we ordered a dozen oysters and a bottle of wine. The oysters were delicious and I was flattered that he’d taken me to such a nice place, but it wasn’t until we sunk into a comfy booth at another dive bar afterward that we really warmed up to each other. There was just something about a no-frills, no-nonsense spot that took the pressure off and made it easier for us both to relax and open up. (Come to think of it, that bottle of wine probably didn’t hurt, either!)

It’s been almost two years since that date, and eight months ago, Robby and I moved in together. The moral of the story? Sure, it’s always nice to put some thought into a date and make an effort to show someone a good time, but at the end of the day, a date only lasts an evening, but a real connection can last a lifetime.

While I don’t necessarily advocate taking a woman to a dive for a first meeting (I still give Robby sh*t for that… a nice wine bar is more my speed!), the next time you feel totally stressed about planning that perfect date for a woman you hardly know, remember—the heart wants what the heart wants. If you have a real connection with someone, it’s not going to matter whether you take her out for a cocktail or to a Paul McCartney concert on the first meeting. Grab a drink! Go for a walk! Make a picnic! Take her to your favorite taco stand! If there’s real chemistry—and your date’s not some totally shallow you-know-what—she’s going to have a good time, and you’re going to get a second date.

Are you having trouble meeting someone out in the dating world? Book a consultation with Lisa and see how she can help you turn your dating around!

Naked Truth #2: It doesn’t always pay to pull out all the stops on a first date

“Naked” Dating Tip #3: The best way to get a guy to ask for your number online

"Naked" Dating Tip #3: The best way to get a guy to ask for your number online

“Naked” Dating Tip #3

This guy and I have been messaging back and forth for several days. Why hasnt he asked for my number and how do I get him to!?!

With the growing popularity of online dating websites and apps like Tinder and Bumble, I’m hearing this question more and more often from my female clients. They complain that too many of the men they’re communicating with online never get around to asking for their phone number or asking them out on a date. This can be extremely frustrating because we want a man to be strong and assertive, and we don’t feel like we should have to take the lead.

So, what do we do?

We can start by having a little compassion for the dudes. With online dating it’s really hard for men to gauge if a woman is ready to pass along her digits. That being said, your initial messages aren’t supposed to be used as a way of getting to know everything about each other. You can do that once you meet and you see if there’s an attraction. There are so many people using apps and online dating sites today that you need to separate yourself from the crowd by creating enough interest and excitement to get someone to want to meet you in person.

The way to do that is by being playful and a little mysterious. Sending your number and asking a guy to call you isn’t very original or challenging. Instead, try writing something like, “I bet if you asked for my number, I’d give it to you!” If you want to be even more playful, you could say, “If you think I’m this fun over email, imagine how much fun I would be on the phone :)” And if you’re feeling really bold, you could say, “The suspense is killing me! Ask for my number already :)” Trust me: as long as you phrase it as a challenge and you make your message sound provocative and inviting, any guy in his right mind will take the bait!

If you’re struggling with how to be playful on or offline and you need some guidance, book a consult with me to see how I can help you find the exciting, fun-loving man of your dreams!

The Rules are for Fools

“How To Get Married”

Laughing All the Way to the Alter

When people come to me for dating advice, what they really want to know is how to get married.  A couple weeks ago, I attended the wedding of one of my funniest, feistiest, and most opinionated clients.   I remember that we butted heads many times during in our six months of coaching.  I don’t know if she ever fully embraced the concept of Naked Dating, but I hope something sank in.

Naked Dating is my approach to attracting true love.  It shows how to use dating as the catalyst to bring up any blocks or behaviors that are in the way of finding a partner and then gives you the tools to work through them.  The theory is that if you keep going on dates but you don’t make changes, nothing is going to change.  I am not so certain this client ever agreed with much of what I said, but she stayed in touch long after she quit coaching, so I can only assume that I did something right.

When I received an email from her saying that she’d met someone and that they were engaged, I was stunned.  It appeared that she’d finally met the man of her dreams READ MORE

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Dating & Relationship Expert, Lisa Shield.  pricing & scheduling

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

Should you keep your clothes on or off?

When I turned 40, I was no longer willing to settle for just anyone.  I had tried this many times before and knew it didn’t work.  I wanted to find the love of my life, the last man I would ever date, the one who would be with me for the rest of my days.

For this to happen, I had to make some changes.  First and foremost, no jumping into bed with anyone I was dating—and this meant ANYONE.  In the past, I had my share of casual sex.  I don’t regret that I was sometimes naughty.  It was a lot of fun, but it never got me what I ultimately wanted.  It never got the right guy to pledge his undying love and make me his bride.

Well, that’s not exactly true.  I did have some relationships along the way, but they were with all the wrong people.  And, someone had made me his bride, just not the right someone.  As it turned out, my first husband had a little lying problem.  Actually, he had a BIG lying problem, but that was many years and several therapists ago…

I never thought of myself as promiscuous or loose. read more

Schedule an appointment with me today.

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

3 Common Misconceptions About Dating and What to Do About Them

If something feels inauthentic or gamey, it probably is.

1.    I shouldn’t have to date.   Many people believe that falling in love should happen organically.  I agree.  But for that to happen, you need to increase your exposure to other single people, especially as you get older.  That’s why you need to date.  Otherwise, how are you going to meet this person?  But there is another, even more important reason to date.  Let’s face it.  Men and women are really different.

Successful relationships occur when two people can come together and embrace those differences.  Dating gives you firsthand exposure to many members of the opposite sex so that you can begin to understand and appreciate how they think and operate.  In the end, falling in love will happen organically, but there is a greater chance of that happening if you help the process along.

2.  I can’t contact someone right after a date.  There’s lots of crazy advice out there about dating.  Who knows?  I might even be disseminating some of it myself.  What you have to keep in mind as you go through this process is that, if something feels inauthentic or gamey, it probably is. read more

Schedule an appointment with me today.

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

HOW TO MAKE A LASTING IMPRESSION ON A FIRST DATE

When we go out on a first date, we’re all hoping to experience that instant spark.

When we go out on a first date, we’re all hoping to experience that instant spark, the kind that makes our hearts pound, takes our breath away, and causes us to feel as giddy as teenagers.  Everyone knows that this is the way all great romances start, right?  Wrong.   While physical attraction is an essential part of a romantic relationship, we tend to place way too much importance on it, overlooking another equally or even more important ingredient: emotional attraction.

More from YourTango: Online Dating? Don’t Let Your First Email Be A Dud [EXPERT]
In my upcoming book, “Naked Dating,” I explore the importance of making an emotional connection from the very first date.  An emotional connection is the glue that holds a relationship together.  Without it, physical attraction fades and most relationships eventually fall apart.
So, what exactly is an emotional connection?  Let’s break it down.  Emotions are feelings like anger, sorrow, jealousy, insecurity, joy, or love.  A connection is a bond or a link, in this case between two people.  An emotional connection is when two people share their innermost feelings to create a bond with one another.  When the emotional connection is positive, we feel safe opening our hearts and sharing vulnerable parts ourselves with our date.  This is what I call getting emotionally naked.  Knowing how to open up at this level is what makes a date unforgettable.  As Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
The biggest mistake we make in dating is that we fail to be real and emotionally honest from the start.  I know it sounds risky to open up and share at this level with another person, especially a stranger and especially on a first date, but this is exactly what I am suggesting that you do. Over the past ten years, I have listened to clients complain that the people they are meeting are not emotionally available.  After coaching with me, these same clients see that they are also emotionally unavailable.  They realize that, as they’ve gotten older and experienced more failures and disappointments in their relationships, their hearts have become more closed and it has become harder and harder for them to connect.
It is extremely important that you don’t just show up on your dates and wing it, hoping for an emotional connection to just happen.  Opening your heart and getting real doesn’t come naturally or easily to most people.  Besides, how can your soul mate recognize you if you’re hiding behind masks and facades, afraid to show your true self?  In order to feel comfortable letting down your walls, you are going to need to practice.  This means going out on dates and learning, little by little, how to take off your emotional clothes with a stranger.  If you do this, you will already know how to get emotionally naked and leave an impression that will make your soul mate stick around for a lifetime.
Stay tuned!  In my next blog post, I will give you some simple ways to start stripping away your emotional armor so you can begin to make a lasting impact on your dates.

More from YourTango: What Couples Can Learn From Olympic Athletes [EXPERT]

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Dating & Relationship Expert, Lisa Shield.  pricing & scheduling

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

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