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8 Things to Avoid on a First Date

8 Things to Avoid on a First Date

8 Things to Avoid on a First Date

You finally went on a date with someone you feel excited about. The conversation seemed effortless, the chemistry was undeniable, and you went to bed that night with the innate sense that you would see this person again. But the days have ticked by, and you haven’t heard a word. You’re starting to wonder whether you might have done something to turn your date off… but what?

If you find yourself having trouble getting to a second date—even when you thought things went well—there’s a good chance you’re sabotaging your chances without even realizing it. Here are eight things to avoid doing on a first date… so you can have better odds of making it to the second!

  1. Making it all about you

Let’s face it: there are few things worse than being stuck on dates with people who only talk about themselves. I know because this was my biggest mistake when I was dating. I was so busy trying to entertain my dates and make them like me that I wasn’t even paying attention to whether or not they were enjoying the show. If I could go back and ask all the guys I went out with what I’d done wrong, many of them would say that they thought I was self-absorbed. What I’ve since learned is learned is to pause every now and then when I am talking to check in with the person sitting across from me. I might ask their opinion about something I’ve said or ask if they’ve had a similar experience. Here’s a tip: if you’ve been talking and notice you’ve barely touched your cocktail—but your date looks ready to order a second—you need to hit the pause button and give him/her a chance to join in.

  1. Turning your date into an interrogation

Most of us go into a date knowing there are certain things we simply must have in a partner (for example, you absolutely want children and are looking for a partner who feels the same or you require a certain degree of financial stability) and you don’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t on the same page. Before you know it, you’re firing off a dozen questions and your date feels like he/she is on the witness stand. Talk about a buzzkill. No matter how hard you try, you’re not going to learn everything you need to know on a first date. So save yourself—and your date—the aggravation and don’t try. The object of the first date is to have a good time and to see if there’s enough intrigue and attraction to warrant a second. The more pressure you put on yourself to figure out whether this person is “the one,” the more pressure you’re going to put on the date… and the more pressure you put on the date, the less likely your date is going to want to see you again. Try asking questions that are more subtle or indirect, that don’t sound probing. Instead of asking, “Are you looking for a committed relationship?” ask, “What inspired you to sign up for Bumble?” Also, really listen to what your date is saying. People reveal themselves through the stories they tell and the little comments they make like, “I can be a real bitch sometimes.” I had a client who was dating a man who mentioned he’d been accused of being narcissistic. Guess what? He was!

  1. Drinking Too Much

Sure, it might help you relax, lower your inhibitions, give you confidence and a sharp wit, but hit your limit and disaster can strike. Charm and wit can quickly make way for inappropriate questions, boasting, and first date sex. If you know you’re going to be drinking, eat something before the date and know your limits. I repeat: Know. Your. Limits. If you have a tendency to overindulge, stick to club soda. Also, remember, the rule of thumb is to have one glass of water for every drink.

  1. Trash talking

This one might sound obvious, but talking badly about people you know (you lose even more points for talking badly about an ex—don’t bring them up at all), past dates, the waiter, or the girl’s cheesy outfit at the table across from you is a no-no. The same thing goes for talking badly about yourself—self-deprecation isn’t sexy. There are so many things to talk about on a first date… trash talk is cheap and boring. You know the old adage: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Make it your mantra!

  1. Showing up late

When it comes to first dates, there’s no such thing as being fashionably late. It won’t make you seem sexy or mysterious—it will just make you look like a jerk. If you’re running late, have the decency to give your date a call or send a text and let him/her know you’re on your way. Then, offer another apology when you arrive. Or, better yet, show up a few minutes early.

  1. Airing your dirty laundry

Life is tough… maybe you think you’re going to lose your job, your roommate is a total psycho, or your meds stopped working. These are things you can talk about during happy hour with your friends or on the phone with your mom, but not on a first date. Your friends and family know you on a deeper level, they’ve invested in the relationship, and they have a reason to care. Your date does not. I don’t care how intense your connection is, there’s nothing sexy about TMI. Trust me. If you wind up dating, it will come back to haunt you!

  1. Appearing overeager

You’ve been on more bad dates than you can count, and finally, you’re sitting across from someone who’s attractive, intelligent, and fun. Within ten minutes you know you want to see this person again. That’s great… but you don’t have to announce it. It’s one thing to compliment your date and let him or her know you’re having a good time, but avoid appearing desperate or overeager. Don’t shower your date with compliments and don’t start planning the second date out loud. Everything in moderation… including enthusiasm.

  1. Bad Manners

Whether it’s talking with your mouth full, texting, picking at your teeth, or cursing like a sailor, there’s nothing like bad manners to kill the chemistry… and your chances of a second date. Learn how to use a knife and fork, save the swear words for the basketball court, and keep your iPhone in your purse (or pocket). In other words, behave like someone your date would take home to his/her parents, and you just might find yourself at Sunday dinner.

 

Are you having trouble getting second dates and not sure why? Book a consultation and see how I can help!

The Hateful 8: Eight Things to Avoid on a First Date

 

Naked Truth #2: It Doesn’t Always Pay to Pull Out all the Stops on a First Date

Naked Truth #2: It Doesn’t Always Pay to Pull Out all the Stops on a First Date

Naked Truth #2: It Doesn’t Always Pay to Pull Out all the Stops on a First Date

Lots of guys think they have to go all out on the first date to impress a woman and get her interested, but the date itself is really only a small part of the equation. When you read my assistant’s story below about her two Tinder dates (and find out which guy she ended up with!) you might consider getting to know someone a little better before you go for broke. -Lisa

Two years ago, fresh out of grad school and single as I’d ever been, I downloaded Tinder. I was tired of hanging around the same guys in the tight-knit L.A. circle I had floated in and out of since college, and I figured I’d give it a shot. In the three months I was on the app, I only ended up going out with two of the guys I matched with… but the dates couldn’t have been more different.

I met the first guy, Robby, for drinks at a dive bar of his choosing in Santa Monica. I didn’t feel some over-the-top attraction at first, but I had a good time. He was handsome and intelligent. We spent about 45 minutes together, enjoyed some interesting conversation about music and art, and parted ways. I didn’t know if I would see him again, but there was a quiet confidence about him that intrigued me, and so I checked the box for “maybe” in my head.

My second Tinder date was, coincidentally, scheduled for the following night. (I wasn’t one to waste any time!) Let’s just say this one was a step up from drinks at a dive bar. Brendan had an “extra” ticket for the sold-out Paul McCartney concert at Dodger Stadium. He lived within walking distance of the show, so I met him at his place before the gig. When I arrived, I saw that he had arranged an elaborate wine and cheese spread on his back patio and had cued the new Sharon Van Etten record we’d been chatting about over text on his sound system. It was pretty adorable. When we got to the venue, I was pleasantly surprised to find our seats were top notch— on the floor, just behind third base. “If this is all for the first date,” I thought to myself, as Sir Paul transitioned into ‘Blackbird,’ “what would he possibly do for our second?”

Well…. we never made it there. Brendan was a total sweetheart, and we had a good time together, but as we were walking back from the concert that night, my mind turned—rather unexpectedly—to Robby. Here I was, on this incredible date with this sweet guy who had clearly put a lot of effort (and $$$) into showing me a good time, and I was thinking about the guy who picked the less-than-impressive dive bar for our first meeting? Let’s just say I was as surprised by my reaction as you probably are, dear reader. But, as Emily Dickinson once wrote, “the heart wants what the heart wants – or else it does not care.”

The next morning, I woke up to a text from Robby asking how the concert was. (I had mentioned I was going, but had conveniently left out the fact that it was with another guy I had met on Tinder.) We texted back and forth for a bit, and he asked me if I’d like to have dinner with him later that week. This time, he stepped up his game and suggested a nice restaurant in Venice Beach.

I have to admit, the date felt a little awkward in the beginning. While it wasn’t our first meeting, we still hadn’t had the time to develop any real rapport. We were both too nervous to eat a big meal, so we ordered a dozen oysters and a bottle of wine. The oysters were delicious and I was flattered that he’d taken me to such a nice place, but it wasn’t until we sunk into a comfy booth at another dive bar afterward that we really warmed up to each other. There was just something about a no-frills, no-nonsense spot that took the pressure off and made it easier for us both to relax and open up. (Come to think of it, that bottle of wine probably didn’t hurt, either!)

It’s been almost two years since that date, and eight months ago, Robby and I moved in together. The moral of the story? Sure, it’s always nice to put some thought into a date and make an effort to show someone a good time, but at the end of the day, a date only lasts an evening, but a real connection can last a lifetime.

While I don’t necessarily advocate taking a woman to a dive for a first meeting (I still give Robby sh*t for that… a nice wine bar is more my speed!), the next time you feel totally stressed about planning that perfect date for a woman you hardly know, remember—the heart wants what the heart wants. If you have a real connection with someone, it’s not going to matter whether you take her out for a cocktail or to a Paul McCartney concert on the first meeting. Grab a drink! Go for a walk! Make a picnic! Take her to your favorite taco stand! If there’s real chemistry—and your date’s not some totally shallow you-know-what—she’s going to have a good time, and you’re going to get a second date.

Are you having trouble meeting someone out in the dating world? Book a consultation with Lisa and see how she can help you turn your dating around!

Naked Truth #2: It doesn’t always pay to pull out all the stops on a first date

The guy I’m seeing told me he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, but I really like him. Should I back off or just quit seeing him altogether?


The guy I'm seeing told me he doesn't have strong feelings for me. Should I put some distance between us of just stop seeing him altogether?

The guy I’m seeing told me he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, but I really like him. Should I back off or just quit seeing him altogether?

Hey Lisa,

I need some advice. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and a half and things are going well. We’ve gone on three dinner dates, have been to trivia and dinner several times and even won trivia twice. He made me dinner and we spend time together watching shows we like. I even helped him find a new puppy. BUT…he is in the navy and will be gone for a few months in a few weeks and then when he gets back he is moving in November.  Also, he was married before and told me he knew he would marry his ex wife the week he met her and married her 4 months later. When I asked him how he feels about me he said he likes me, and thinks we are compatible but doesn’t have strong feelings like that for me. I really like him, but ever since he told me that my self worth has been ruined. What should I do? Quit seeing him? Back off? I don’t know what to do and need your help.

Tamara

Hi Tamara,

First, I want to commend you for having the courage to get emotionally naked and ask your navy man how he really feels about you. Many women would have gone along in the relationship without finding out the truth. I am sure it was really hard to hear that he doesn’t have strong feelings for you, but I think it was pretty thoughtless of him to compare his feelings for you to the way he felt about his ex-wife. You even wrote that your self-esteem has been ruined because of what he said. It might help you keep things in perspective to know that, for all of his enthusiasm and certainty about his former wife, she’s his ex. So much for knowing he was going to marry her after the first week. I’m wondering how long it took him to realize he’d made a mistake and that e was headed for a divorce!

Considering he’s leaving and he told you he doesn’t have strong feelings for you, I don’t think the relationship is going to turn into something long term. While you might not want to hear this, you need to know that many men stay in a relationship with a woman they have no intention of committing to because she is sweet and she’s meeting their sexual needs.

You asked if you should take a step back or end it altogether. My question for you is: do you want to wait until he leaves or finds someone new, or do you want to act from a place of power and be the one to break it off?  If you the initiative to end it, you  might just get some of your self-esteem back. And more importantly, you deserve to be with a man who adores you and feels lucky to be with you.

On another note: why did he get a puppy if he’s planning on leaving?

Much love,

Lisa

 

If you or anyone you know is having trouble dating or finding the right relationship, hiring a coach might be the answer you need. Click here to book a sample consult to find out how I can help:

The guy I'm dating told me he doesn't have strong feelings for me...

 

The Rules are for Fools


Mimi9
The Rules are for Fools

In my grandmother’s era, there were lots of “rules” about dating. Her brother, my Great Uncle Sid, loves to tell the story of the first time a certain gentleman called to ask her out. Uncle Sid said that this man was handsomer than Gregory Peck and equally as charming. All the young women at the Jewish Community Center in St. Louis, MO had their eye on him, but he only had eyes for my granny.

One Thursday evening, the gentleman in question gave my grandmother a call. They chatted easily and effortlessly for a few minutes, but when she hung up the hallway phone, she collapsed in the corner and burst into tears. The family came running to see what happened. “Helen, darling,” my great grandmother said, crouching down to wipe her daughter’s tear-stained face with the hem of her apron. “Tell us what’s wrong!”

“Al Gelfand asked me on a date… b-b-but,” she replied, choking on her words, “I told him No.” My poor grandmother. Prince Charming had just asked her out and she turned him down. But why!?

“What are you talking about, Helen?” my uncle Sid said, questioning his older sister. “All you’ve been doing is blabbering about Al Gelfand for months, and now he calls, asks you on a date, and you say no?” He cocked his head to one side and raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

“You dont understand,” my grandmother lectured. “It’s Thursday and he asked me out for tomorrow night. No self-respecting girl would ever accept such an invitation! He needs to give me some advance notice. Doesn’t he think I have a social life?”

“But this morning you told me you didn’t have any plans tomorrow,” my uncle retorted.

My grandma eyed her little brother curiously. “That’s not the point,” she said, feigning an air of superiority. “Albert Gelfand needs to know that I’m in high demand and that I’m not just sitting here waiting for the likes of him to call.” She managed to remain calm for a few seconds, and then erupted into another crying fit. “Oh no!” she sobbed despairingly. “What have I done? What if he never asks me out again?”

The good news is that Al Gelfand was no slouch. He didn’t give up easily. And being the smart cookie that she was, my grandmother probably gave him a little hint before turning him down, as well. I’m sure she said something like: “I’d love to go out with you, Al, but my weekends do fill up rather quickly.” The dapper Mr. Gelfand took my grandmother’s advice to heart. The next time he called to ask her out, my future grandfather gave my grandmother plenty of notice.

In my grandmother’s day, women really had only one path in life: to become wives and mothers. My grandmother’s entire agenda was to bag a great man and, to do that, she had to use her womanly charms to lure him in. But now it’s 2016! We’ve fought long and hard for equal rights, and we have so many more opportunities available to us than just getting married. Still, when it comes to dating, many women feel the need to follow the same antiquated rules my grandma Helen did all those years ago. From never making the first move to not accepting a date without three-days advance notice, I’m shocked to see how many of my female clients still date like it’s 1936. Many women are still convinced that they have no choice but to continue playing silly games to meet a guy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there. Some of my female clients feel they need to downplay their success or accomplishments for fear of overshadowing a man. How can we have come so far in so many ways, only to feel that we still have to hide who we are? Case in point: a few months ago, my client, Maggy, told me that she was afraid of what would happen when Marco, the guy she was dating, found out that she owns three investment properties. Marco wasn’t doing as well as she was in his career and she was scared he would be intimidated by her success. Maggy is turning something that should be a blessing and make her more viable as a partner into a curse. Ironically, if she keeps downplaying her success, she will continue to attract insecure men. The right man wouldn’t be threatened by her success, he would feel proud to be with her.

Women today are not like my grandmother. We have careers, mortgages, and bank accounts of our own, and most of us don’t need a man to take care of us. It’s time to stop playing games, embrace our accomplishments, and look for men who are our equals. If you’re out in the dating world and you want to attract a good man, don’t play by my grandmother’s rules—in fact, don’t play by anyone’s rules. The real way to win the heart of the right man isn’t by avoiding his calls or downplaying your success; it’s by showing up authentically and opening up your heart so he can see the real you. Your soul mate can’t find you if you’re hiding behind a mask or playing by rules that were created in a different day and time. If my grandma Helen was around today, she wouldn’t kowtow to any man. She would be running the show and she’d have all the men chasing after her!

Do you want to learn how to get “naked” and show up authentically on dates? Book a consultation with me and see how I can help!

The Rules are for Fools

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Are you Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Sylvia’s Story

Six months ago, I was in a coaching session with my client, Sylvia. A guy she had been emailing on Match and hadn’t heard from in a few weeks had popped up out of the blue. “Hey,” he wrote. “What happened to you?” 

“Did you email him back???” I asked. I was excited to see someone she’d been communicating with was trying to reconnect with her.  Sylvia had been having a hard time getting dates from guys she liked. 

“No. I’m not emailing him back,” Sylvia declared, looking at me like I was out of my mind. “I wrote him last and then he stopped communicating with me. He’s got a lot of nerve implying I was the one who dropped the ball.”

Really? I replied, “What’s the difference? He reached out. Can’t you just play along? You have a long email history with the guy. It seems like you were into him at some point.”

I went on to suggest that she write him something playful like:

“Actually, you never answered my last email and I was wondering what happened to you! So, where do we go from here? Ill give you a little hint: if you ask me for my number, I just might give it to you ☺”

Yeah, I dont think so, she insisted. Why should I make it easy for him? I want a guy whos excited about me and pursues me.

My female clients say this all the time; they want men to chase them, but what they really do is make them jump through too many hoops. If a guy makes one misstep—it can be something as simple as dropping the thread of communication for a couple of days or failing to ask them a question about themselves in an email exchange—these women will write the man off, claiming he didn’t seem like he was interested.

Sylvia was missing the point. This guy had reached out to her. Maybe he didn’t use the best approach, but he was trying to get the communication flowing again. When it comes to online dating and two people haven’t even met, it doesn’t matter who wrote the last email. People have busy lives and they get distracted. What’s more, most people are communicating with several different people at the same time and it’s easy to lose track of who you’re writing to. You need to take it all with a grain of salt.

The bottom line is that Sylvia is not dating naked. She’s taking things personally and putting up walls, walls that no man in his right mind is going to work that hard to get through, especially if he hasn’t even met her yet! As long as her Frenemy (read Inner Bitch) is calling the shots and she’s being defensive and closed off, no one will pursue her. I tried everything I could to convince her to write this guy back, even just for practice, but she wouldn’t budge.

Maya’s Story

Interestingly enough, the day after my session with Sylvia, I coached another client, Maya, on the same issue. Maya had also been emailing with a guy who’d stopped writing and then resurfaced a few weeks later. Even though they’d only exchanged a handful of emails, Maya was worried she might have said something to turn him off. By the time we met, Maya was feeling rejected and her Frenemy had put up a wall to protect her. Like Sylvia, she felt that if a man was excited and wanted to pursue her, he wouldn’t have let the communication drop.

Maya’s Frenemy had convinced her that she shouldn’t respond to the email, so she was shocked to hear what I had to say. Before she made any rash decisions, I encouraged her to write him a playful message asking where he’d disappeared to. After all, what did she have to lose?

Maya hesitated, but then she took my advice. “I really hear what you’re saying,” she told me. “You’re telling me to keep an open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt. I need to be more playful and ease up on men; I can be so hard on them. I guess I’m just afraid of getting hurt again, so I push them away before they can reject me. Even if this isn’t the perfect guy for me, I really do need to practice opening up and asking for what I want.”

That evening I got an email from Maya saying that she had not only written to the man we’d talked about, but she’d also sent a playful email to another man who she had stopped writing. Both guys wrote her back immediately, and an hour later she had not one but two dates lined up for the weekend. It’s been a few weeks now and she’s already been out with the first guy five times. Imagine what Maya would have missed out on if she had followed her initial knee jerk reaction and written him off for not making a move?

Fear of being exposed

So, back to Sylvia. Want to know what happened with her? When she had first started coaching with me, she told me about all the self-help books she’d read and how hard she’d worked to get to a place where she liked herself. After our session, she wrote me a long, defensive email reminding me about all the work she’d already done on herself and saying that she didn’t feel she needed to change. Then she went on to reiterate why she was right in not emailing back the guy. To me it was clear that she was guarded. She didn’t really want to put herself out there. Dating can be risky: what if she got rejected and found out that she was going to have to do more work on herself before she would be ready to get into a relationship?

At this point, there was nothing left for me to say. She had come to me for coaching because some part of her knew she was getting in her own way. Unfortunately, she was still terrified of rejection, and rather than risk getting hurt, her Frenemy was putting up an even bigger wall. So, in the end, I could see that her sense of self wasn’t nearly as solid as she wanted to believe. 

In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called beginner’s mind; it’s the idea that you approach every situation from a place of openness and curiosity, and with a willingness to learn something new. A quote relating to that concept kept running through my head as I read Sylvia’s email: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” Sylvias inner Frenemy was the consummate expert and it wasnt going to budge at least not on my watch.

Are you a Sylvia or a Maya?

When you find yourself getting reactive and your Frenemy is telling you to cut off communication with someone you’ve been talking to online, see if you can let go a little, stop jumping to conclusions, and look at the situation with a beginner’s mind. There’s nothing to be lost by giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If you want things to change, you are going to have to stop listening to your Frenemy, take some risks, and be willing to give more people a chance. Ask yourself: do you want to date like Sylvia or like Maya? I promise you, Maya is getting a lot more dates, she’s having a lot more fun, and she’s going to meet someone… or, maybe she already has!

Are you having trouble opening up and giving people a chance? Book a free consultation with me and see how I can help you take down your walls and start dating with a beginner’s mind!

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Slow and Stead Wins the Race

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

The other day, my client Tracy came in for a session. We had been working together for a few months. She was getting a great response online, going on lots of dates, but she hadn’t met anyone that she was excited about… until Charlie.

“Lisa, we had the most amazing date,” she exclaimed, her eyes practically rolling back in her head as she sunk into the chair. “He isn’t like other men I’ve met. He’s so sweet… and handsome… and successful… and the chemistry is OFF. THE. CHARTS.”

“Oh boy,” I thought to myself, “here we go again.”

There was no denying it: Tracy was drunk on lust, and she certainly wasn’t the first client of mine who’d taken that drink. It killed me to have to be the one to put a damper on her enthusiasm and remind her to slow down, but that’s what she was paying me for: to be the ultimate buzz kill. But seriously, I like to think of myself as the voice of reason.

So, let’s be reasonable. When you go on a first date with someone who makes your body tingle from head to toe and your brain run in endless little circles of excitement, you need to remind yourself to s l o w down, breathe, and proceed with caution. Think about this: It’s a big leap from, “Oh my God, we have so much in common and the chemistry is so intense!” to “Let’s get married, make babies, and spend the rest of our lives together.”

When I was younger, I would completely spin out when I met someone I liked. He would be all I could think about. Fourteen years ago, when I posted my profile and pictures on an online dating site for the first time, I had a little talk with myself. “Lisa,” I said, “you are done rushing into relationships. It doesn’t work. No matter how much chemistry and connection you feel with someone, you cannot truly know a man on a first date or a second date or, even, a third.” At the end of every date with someone I found attractive, I would remind myself, “Lisa’s, he’s a nice guy AND you don’t know him.”

When I met my future husband, I spent two hours staring into the kindest eyes I had ever seen. I could tell that he was someone very special and he seemed to be enamored with me, as well. Still, as I drove the few blocks from the restaurant back home to my apartment, I reminded myself, “That was one of the kindest men you’ve ever met AND you don’t know him.” I had been on dates with men who seemed wonderful in the moment, only to never hear from them again and I’d learned not to get ahead of myself.

It takes time for two people to really get to know each other, to know each other’s hopes, dreams, and fears. Most importantly, it takes time to discover the places where you both clash and draw your lines. Some people say that you don’t really start to know someone until you’ve had your first argument. I agree that the first fight is usually the turning point where most relationships start to get real. I am not a big believer in fireworks and love at first sight. In my 12 years as a dating coach I have seen almost all of these magic encounters burn out as quickly as they started.

Most people want to feel wowed when they meet their soul mate, but there are no shortcuts to creating a real love that will last. Slow and steady wins the race. I know this sounds boring, but take it from a woman who will be celebrating her twelfth wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. Think about it: if you’re really going to spend the rest of your life with someone, what’s the hurry?

 

Are you having trouble taking your time during the dating process and need some advice? Book a free consultation and see how I can help!

Adventure, Mission, & Romance

Adventure. Mission, & Romance

Adventure, Mission, & Romance

How to Fall in Love & Stay in Love

 

I am excited to let you know that I have been invited to speak on a panel for a free online event called Adventure, Mission & Romance: How to Fall in Love & Stay in Love. I will be joined by other leading experts in the field of dating and relationships—PhD’s, Coaches, Authors, Award-winning Travel Bloggers & Agents, Motivational Speakers, Adventurers, Spiritual Thought Leaders, Entertainment Professionals and even Grammy Award Winners.

What makes this online summit so unique is that it brings together many diverse and interesting voices, many that you don’t often hear speaking about love and relationships. Together we all share a wealth of knowledge with you about how to create loving, lasting, lifelong relationships.

Here are some of the topics we discuss: 

  • Finding true love at any age so that you can have the life you always wanted
  • Moving past betrayals and setbacks so that you can open your heart to a new relationship
  • Resolving conflicts with your partner so you stop arguing about the same things over and over again
  • Keeping your relationship passionate and lively so you can’t wait to see you partner walk through the door… even after you’ve been married 20+ years
  • Finding and achieving romantic relationship of your dreams so that you never have to go on another bad date

In my segment, interviewer and summit organizer, Julie Landi, and I talk about my own dating journey and the philosophy behind my upcoming book, Naked Dating®. I talk about the challenges I had to overcome and the 100 first dates I endured before finding the love of my life. Julie did an excellent job interviewing me! You won’t want to miss it!

If you’re interested in joining me, click here to access your free spot: http://theperformancegroup.us/LisaShield

Warmest Wishes for this Holiday Season,

Lisa Shield

 

 

Don’t Fall Victim to These 6 Dating Traps

Don't Fall Victim to these 6 Dating Traps

Don’t Fall Victim to these 6 Dating Traps

A lot of current dating advice seems to encourage women to play games and dumb themselves down in order to attract a man—don’t be too available, don’t initiate, don’t return his calls, don’t be anxious, don’t be too independent… If I had been reading some of this stuff when I dated fifteen years ago, I don’t know if I ever would have gone out on a single date!

When I dated fifteen years ago, I was getting my master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology and I was involved in some other spiritually based programs. So, I saw the dating process as an extension of the spiritual journey I was on. Instead of pondering the differences between men and women, I viewed every date as a chance to become more open and vulnerable with men–even if I never saw the guy again. I practiced being grateful, kind, playful, positive, warm, and diplomatic–all qualities a man would find attractive.

At first glance, some of what I’ve written below might not sound all that different from what you’ve read elsewhere, but read it carefully. Most of what I am saying isn’t about what to do or not do on a date; it has to do with the mindset you have while dating. We create what we focus on. So, it is important to set the right intentions for yourself as you date. If what you’re focusing on is getting a big ring, that’s what you’ll attract. If you focus on finding a passionate, unconditionally loving relationship, that’s what you will attract. I am not saying you can’t have both, but you need to be clear about your intentions. You need to be honest with yourself about what you’re seeking and why you’re seeking it or you just might wind up with a chunk of ice on your finger and a hole in your heart. My suggestion is this: focus on attracting unconditional love and everything else will fall into place!

#1: If you just go out on enough dates, you will eventually meet the right person

If you’ve got issues and baggage that you haven’t dealt with, it’s not going to bring you any closer to the kind of relationship you’re truly looking for. The real goal with dating is to keep evolving; it’s not about repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but coming back from each date and being honest with yourself. I encourage my clients to ask themselves questions after each date, such as “What did I learn about myself?” “What did I learn about dating?” “How can I start opening up with my dates and become more emotionally naked and vulnerable?” Use the dating process as an opportunity to grow and evolve, so that when you do meet the right person you’ll be ready.

#2: A man will lose respect for a woman if she sleeps with him right away

Many men say that, if they’re really into a woman, they don’t care how soon they have sex. The real reason not to sleep together early on is because sex gets in the way of building emotional intimacy, and this is the most important part of any relationship. Most people don’t know how to open up and be vulnerable with someone they are attracted to. They are afraid that, if someone they’re dating sees something he or she doesn’t like, the person will leave. So, they have sex instead. I encourage both men and women to wait to have sex so that they can learn how to get emotionally naked first. Vulnerability is what will lead to deeper intimacy and ultimately keep two people together in the long run. It will also lead to better and more connected sex.

#3: Let the man be the man

Men aren’t from Mars and women aren’t from Venus. We’re both from planet Earth. We actually want the same things; we just go about getting our needs met differently. We both want safety, trust, good communication, compassion (and passion), and empathy. When I was dating, I was never burdened by concerns about whether I was being “feminine enough” or “letting the man be the man.” The question I always asked myself was, “Is my behavior attractive?” Was I being anxious, overbearing, controlling, self absorbed…? These behaviors are unattractive, and they have nothing to do with being a man or a woman. It is important to note that the answers men and women get when they ask the question, “Is this attractive behavior?” will be different. What a man will feel is attractive (or unattractive) behavior for him and what a woman thinks is attractive behavior for her are not the same. As they keep exploring this question, their natural feminine or masculine tendencies will start to emerge.

#4: To attract an alpha male you have to be a passive female

There is an endless stream of information telling women that the way to make men feel feel empowered is to stop being strong and assertive and start being passive and submissive. The problem is that women are no longer stuck in the house raising babies. They are taking over universities and, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, about 40 percent of working wives currently out-earn their husbands. Even if a woman wants to take a more passive role, it’s getting harder and harder to do so. When a woman is in charge of an entire team of people at work, its ludicrous to think that she should have to sit around and wait for a man to make the first move. That’s exactly what Whitney Wolfe thought when she invented Bumble, the first dating APP where single women initiate contact with single men. There is a difference between being a strong and independent woman and being controlling or domineering. A truly confidant man will find a strong, capable woman attractive. He won’t try to clip her wings or hold her back so that he can feel like the dominant one in the relationship. He also won’t mind when the check comes for dinner and she says, “This one’s on me!”

#5: There are rules for dating

There are no rules for dating and there is no one size fits all strategy. Some people are not assertive and they have to learn how to be more so, some people are very aggressive and they need to learn to tone it down. As you embark on this quest to find unconditional love it’s all about finding out what works for you and focusing on the change you need to make to be a better person—and, eventually, a better partner. My advice for one client might be very different than my advice to another. What I’m trying to do is get people in touch with their own personal truths and help them start living authentically from that place so they can attract the kind of partner who is right for them. The truth is that you can’t live by someone else’s rules in life or in dating. You have to learn to trust and follow your own heart.

#6: Dating is about getting someone to commit

The focus of dating should not be on getting a ring or getting someone to commit. Yes, eventually you want to get into a committed relationship, but first you need to get to know someone and see if you’re a good match. People today have instant gratification syndrome. They want everything, NOW! But it doesn’t work that way. There is no fast track when it comes to relationships. Slow is fast. I truly believe dating is an exercise in learning how to let go and not take things so personally. It’s about learning to accept other people, letting go of your judgments, blocks, and barriers, and becoming a more open, loving person. Take it from me—I went on almost 100 first dates before I met the love of my life. Patience truly is a virtue! As you become a more open, loving person, you will attract the love you want. In the meantime, stop focusing on the outcome and start using the dating process as an opportunity to grow.

 

 

Are you struggling with dating and need advice? Book a consultation and see how I can help!

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28 Things Every Woman Wishes Her Man Knew

28 things every woman wishes her man knew

28 Things Every Woman Wishes Her Man Knew

Let’s face it: women are way more confusing than men. We expect you to know the answers to questions we aren’t even sure of. Sometimes, figuring us out can seem as impossible as trying to solve a Rubix Cube blindfolded. This week, we thought we would throw you dirty dogs a bone and give you the Cliffs Notes to understanding women. Here are 28 things every woman wishes her man knew about her. If you think these are tough, you should see the 5,098 other tips we left on the cutting room floor!

  1. We never get to the point. Is there a point?
  1. We’re emotional. Deal with it.
  1. Silence is torture for most of us. The majority of women are talkers.
  1. We never get tired of hearing how good we look.
  1. Beyoncé was channeling the divine truth when she sang the words, “If you want it you better put a ring on it.”
  1. If you want to be guaranteed to get some at the end of the night, you gotta ratchet up the romance.
  1. We drop hints about the things we want you to do for us all the time… and we love a guy who picks up on them.
  1. Sending flowers can only make up for so much… then you need to send those little blue boxes, the kind that say “Tiffany & Co.” on them.
  1. Flowers on anniversaries and birthdays are to be expected, but smart guys send anytime with notes that say, “Just because I love you.” You score extra points if you send them to our office where all our coworkers can see them.
  1. Texting is fine, but if we’re into you, we would love you to pick up the phone so we can hear your voice.
  1. It’s easy to find younger women attractive, but what we really want to hear is how you think women get more beautiful as they get older.
  1. If you lock your phone or put it face down in front of us, it’s just going to make us curious.
  1. Men who can cook are sexy.
  1. We don’t respect a man who will let us walk all over him, and we can sense it from a mile away.
  1. A lot of us still think you should make the first move… and pay for dinner, especially while you’re courting us.
  1. Most of the time, we aren’t looking for answers. We just want you to listen and tell us everything will be okay.
  1. We will never think your burp and fart jokes are funny.
  1. We want to feel protected. We expect you to call us after a fight, even if we started it.
  1. If we’re in a relationship and we try to push you away, we really don’t want you to go. We you want you to fight for us.
  1. We tell you how strong and independent we are, but we really don’t want to be that that way that with you.
  1. I know we make it look easy, but looking this good takes time. Don’t rush us when we have a mascara wand in our hand.
  1. No matter how many clothes are in the closet, we’ll never have anything to wear.
  1. We will never own enough pretty, sparkly things.
  1. If you don’t want us to act like your mother, start acting like a man.
  1. PMS is a real thing, but some of us have been known to use it our advantage.
  1. The “Hallmark” of a great guy is one that knows his way around a greeting card.
  1. Don’t take it personally if you can’t get us off. It’s not as easy for us as it is for you.
  1. Also try not to take it so personally when we turn you down. We might be PMS-ing or we might be feeling fat. Sometimes we just can’t face the one-eyed monster.

 

I’m sure you could tell us a thing or two about what men would like us to know about them… if we would just let you get a word in edgewise! 😉

 

Are you having trouble connecting with the opposite sex? Book a free consultation with me today.

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How to Spot a Cheater

 

How to Spot a Cheater

How to Spot a Cheater

When I was in my thirties, I had a relationship with a ridiculously handsome guy from Oaxaca named Juan Carlos. I was crazy about him— his boyish smile, his tan skin, his big, chestnut eyes. And don’t even get me started on his accent… I never knew my name could sound so exotic… until I heard it leave his lips. Needless to say, I was totally hooked. My gut told me it was all a little too good to be true, but when I listened to the way he rolled his Rs… all reason went out the window. If I had only know then how to spot a cheater!

Of all places, Juan Carlos and I met in a cemetery in Oaxaca on the Day of the Dead. I was there buying folk art for my Mexican import company. When he smiled at me from among the candle lit graves, I was hit by one of those thunderbolts you only read about in romance novels. Six months later, he moved to New Mexico to live and work with me.

Now, he was planning a trip back to Mexico to visit family—or so I thought. As he packed, a greeting card fell out of his knapsack and landed on the floor in front of me. I couldn’t help but see it and ask who it was from. He snatched the card up, told me it was nothing, and then shoved it back in his bag. I asked him again who had written it and he shouted, “¡Dejalo!” Leave it alone. His tone was cold and I knew something was wrong. That night I waited until he was asleep and found the card in his bag.

The card was from Margarita, a female friend he’d been hanging out with from his English class. Clearly, she was in love with him. In her note, she went on and one about how wonderful he was, how he’d changed her life, and how she’d miss him while he was away. This shocked me, but not half as much as what came next. Margarita wrote that she was sorry she hadn’t met Juan Carlos before he’d met his girlfriend—Carmen. Carmen?! Wasn’t she Juan Carlos’ ex back in Mexico? I thought I was his girlfriend!

Alarm bells sounded in my head. It seemed that Carmen and Juan Carlos weren’t such ancient history, after all. Then, the floor fell out from under me. He wasn’t going back to Mexico to see his family, he was going back to see her. When I got my phone bill the next month, I saw that I had been paying for his long distance affair all along.

Not only did I feel totally destroyed inside, I felt completely taken advantage of. Looking back, there were warning signs all along—I just didn’t want to face up to them. Remember, this was 1990 BC (before cell phones). That letter from Margarita was the prehistoric version of a scandalous text. When friends warned me that they had a rotten feeling about JC, I had chalked it up to jealousy. After all, he was hot. When JC wanted to stay home at night (so he could whisper sweet nothings to Carmen!) I thought it was weird, but I reasoned it away. I told myself he was tired and that he just needed a little break. I made all the excuses in the world for him. Why? Well… he was gorgeous and he was every bit the Latin lover! But in all seriousness, I just couldn’t believe that I was the kind of girl who would get cheated on. If I had read the signs—and listened to my intuition—I would have saved myself a whole lot of hurt… and a whole lot of dough. What can I say? When you love someone and put all your trust and faith in the relationship, you don’t want to believe that the other person could turn around and betray you. After all, he was living in my house, working in my company, sleeping in my bed, using my phone… which might have been part of the problem.

Do you suspect your partner is cheating? You might not find written proof like I did with Juan Carlos, but you can take advantage of one of the most powerful tools of all… your gut instinct.

Research shows that when it comes to matters of love, your intuition just might be the best judge of all. In a study conducted at Brigham Young University, psychologists observed 35 women and 16 men who were involved in romantic relationships. The psychologists videotaped interactions between the participants and their significant others and showed the tapes to third party observers. The observers were able to detect who among the participants were cheating with stunning accuracy.

The moral of the story? If a perfect stranger can glean cheaters just by watching the way they interact with their partners on film, I’d wager to guess your intuition might be worth more than you’re giving it credit for. If you sense something is wrong in your relationship, you need to pay attention. I knew in my gut that Juan Carlos was spending way too much time with Margarita and he wasn’t inviting me to join them. That alone should have told me something. I had even asked him a couple of times to introduce me to her and he had refused. Now I know why. He had told her we were just friends and that he worked for me. Looking back, I had an uneasy feeling about JC all along… and it wasn’t just all the Mexican food he was cooking for dinner.

IF YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING AND NEED SOME ADVICE, SET UP A FREE CONSULTATION TODAY:

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