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To All the Strong Women (and Men)

Strong womenI had many TURNING POINTS in my dating. One of the most significant was when I started to look at my STRENGTH.

Like many women today, I PRIDED myself on being a “STRONG AND INDEPENDENT,” too strong for many if not MOST men.

When I was 8 years old, I saw my father CRUSH my mother’s spirit when he left her for another woman.

Five years later, when my mother was DYING of breast cancer, she tried to share as much of her WISDOM with me as possible. The one thing I remember most was when she WARNED ME: “Never let a man do to you what your father did to me.” I was only 13 at the time and I STRUGGLED to put her advice in perspective.

For many years after that, I SWORE I wouldn’t wind up like my mother—left to fend for herself with two small children.

To me, it seemed like MOST women were WEAK and insipid, and I refused to DUMB myself down or PANDER to a man. I told myself anything a man could do I could do.

Since the BIRTH CONTROL PILL had been approved the year before I was born and ABORTION was legalized by the Supreme Court in 1973, I was among the first generation of women who had FULL CONTROL over their own bodies. I felt like I was free to do whatever I wanted without apology or SHAME, including act like a man.

When I set out to date again at 39, I admitted TO MYSELF that something wasn’t working with men and me. They still didn’t find me attractive, even though I had reduced myself from a size 14 to a shapely size 8. I also had done a GREAT DEAL of inner personal work. I liked myself. I had developed a POSITIVE MINDSET. I had wonderful friends and an AWESOME Dog. I thought I was PRETTY COOL… but men weren’t buying it.

At the time, I was part of an amazing SPIRITUAL GROUP spearheaded by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of ‘The Four Agreements.’ One day, Miguel brought me in front of the group and said, “This is a WOMAN OF POWER.” He didn’t say, “This is a powerful woman.” He said, “This is a woman of power.”

Miguel’s words rang in my ear for a long time. He’s a shaman, and he sees people’s TRUE NATURE. At the time, I didn’t know what to make of what he said, but I knew it was IMPORTANT.

On another occasion, he told me privately, “You are a woman of power and you FRIGHTEN MEN.” I was stunned. I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “Thanks, Miguel. What I am supposed to do with THAT?”

I could have used his words to feed my ego, but I didn’t because the last thing I wanted to do was frighten men. I wanted them to feel SAFE and be ATTRACTED to me.

Miguel’s words led me to question many of my beliefs about who I was. I realized that being powerful meant nothing if I was allowing that power to WORK AGAINST me and PUSH men away.

I’ve come to realize that we all have SUPERPOWERS. One of mine IS strength. I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried. It’s who I am at my CORE.

But just like all those kids in the Marvel movies, the ones they send to that school run by Patrick Stewart if I didn’t learn how to harness that power and use it wisely and judiciously, I was going to keep BLOWING things up and PUSHING men away.

I knew the time had come for me to ACCEPT the fact that I am, in fact, woman. This was a HUGE SHIFT in my consciousness, it opened up a whole new world of DISCOVERY and POSSIBILITY. I was finally able to see that I wasn’t attracting the kind of man I wanted because THAT MAN would have been attracted to a WOMAN, not a man in a woman’s body.

Ironically, the more I embraced this ESSENTIAL part of myself, the more attractive I became and the more GENUINELY EMPOWERED I felt with men.

I realized that I had never wanted to be HARD on or GUARDED with them. When I was honest with myself, I admitted that all my life I had longed for a man to PROTECT and take care of me. I guess I just hadn’t been ready to let down my guard so a man could do that for me.  I was finally learning to be emotionally naked, and I can show YOU how I started this process in my free online workshop.

Of course, I can do those things for myself, but I can feel that I am most BEAUTIFUL when my GUARD is completely down and I can be that sweet, innocent little girl who never felt SAFE enough to come out and play… until now.

For so much of my life, I’d used my STRENGTH and independence as a way of staying SAFE because I really didn’t understand what it meant to be a woman OR a man.

I now know that EVERY woman and EVERY man has to find his or her NATURAL frequency. If you’re heterosexual, bisexual, transgendered or gay, you have to be willing to EMBRACE who you truly are. You can’t go against your TRUE NATURE.

I AM a woman of power, but it doesn’t serve me to use that power to frighten men.

I still don’t suffer fools lightly. I never have and I never will. Players and misogynists INSTINCTIVELY know to leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if I wear some kind of an invisible sign that reads, “Don’t even bother…”

But now, I can honestly say that I am VERY PROUD to be a woman and I know how to use my STRENGTH in a feminine way to make a man feel SAFE and like he’s my KING. Just ask my husband if you don’t believe me.

XO,

LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Asking for What You Want in a Relationship

Asking for What You Want FINAL

If You’re Too Afraid to Ask for What You Want… how will you ever get it?

Have you ever opened your heart to someone who HURT or DISAPPOINTED you but were too afraid to say something? Did you worry you might seem NEEDY or ANGRY and push the other person away? I get it. It gets easier and easier to say nothing and hope the other person senses something is WRONG and brings it up so you don’t have to.

My client, Melanie, found herself in a situation like this. She’d finally gotten the GUTS to end a 5-year relationship where she’d been JERKED AROUND by a man who was INCAPABLE of committing.

She was visiting family in New York and decided to give Bumble a whirl. Before she knew it, she’d booked TWO DATES for the same day!

Dude #1 was so hot she didn’t think there was any way Dude #2 could compare. Boy was she WRONG! As Jack strode across the restaurant in his faded jeans, cowboy boots, and beat-up leather jacket, Melanie COULDN’T BELIEVE her eyes.

She and Jack had the kind of magical, instantaneous connection everyone DREAMS OF. It wasn’t long before he was holding her hand, staring into her eyes and they felt like they were the only TWO PEOPLE in the room. Their second date was even more magical.

Mel flew home, expecting things to fizzle… but they DIDN’T. Jack texted her every day throughout the day. He told her he had spoken about her to several of his friends. They planned a 4-day ISLAND GETAWAY while she was home in January after the holidays. Really. Things could not be going better…

Or could they? Some friends remarked they thought it odd that Jack texts but NEVER CALLS. It doesn’t bother Mel, but still she ‘hinted’ a couple of times that she would love to hear his voice. He hasn’t called, and she’s TICKED OFF because she feels he isn’t listening to her. She said it doesn’t matter, but it MATTERED enough that she brought it up in our session!

This is where her resentment towards Jack began.

The next disappointment wasn’t long after. He forgot her birthday. All day long they texted back and forth, but he NEVER MENTIONED it once. When she posted something about it on Instagram, he texted her immediately. She was hurt. Badly. He had to have known. After all, they’d joked about what a coincidence it was that his mother’s birthday was the day after hers. Mel thanked him for the BIRTHDAY WISHES via text, but said she was exhausted and would reach out the next day. She knew he’d notice that her behavior was uncharacteristic.

Mel never told Jack she felt hurt because he’d forgotten her birthday, and her RESENTMENT DEEPENED.

Then, came the THIRD BLOW, the one that landed her in my office. Mel went on Bumble and saw that Jack was still active on the site. To say that she was devastated is an understatement. But, because they’d never talked about BEING EXCLUSIVE, she didn’t feel she had a right to say something.

I suggested she tell Jack she was on the site and, when she saw that he was ACTIVE, she realized that she felt uncomfortable knowing he was still seeing other people. After all, they were growing closer and she was feeling INCREASINGLY VULNERABLE.

Mel agreed that she needed to say something, but she WASN’T READY to talk about it. She said she preferred to say something when she went home in January, but that wasn’t for another month. I urged her to discuss it now before ANY DAMAGE was done, but she hemmed and hawed at my suggestion.

“Mel, here’s what’s going to happen if you don’t talk about it,” I said. “If you don’t FEEL SAFE, you’ll start to SHUT DOWN and emotionally distance yourself. He won’t know why, but he’ll sense that SOMETHING’S WRONG. Maybe he’ll bring it up, maybe he won’t. But, if you start to get passive-aggressive, you could wind up pushing him away. I’ve seen this happen too many times.”

“You’re right,” she said. “That’s already happening. Intellectually I understand that he’s done NOTHING WRONG, but I still feel hurt and angry and I’m PULLING AWAY.”

When Mel left, she said that she would book an appointment for the following week so I could help her write a text to Jack. I haven’t heard from her since, so I don’t know what happened. I hope she says something to him. At some point, if she is going to have the kind of OPEN, HONEST, loving relationship she’s looking for, she is going to have to learn how to ask for what SHE WANTS.

She just has to learn how to ask in the RIGHT WAY. She can’t LASH OUT in anger or blame. She needs to speak from love and with the intention of bringing them CLOSER TOGETHER, and she needs to make it a request, not an ultimatum. Instead of saying, “You need to STOP SEEING other women.” She needs to say, “Would you be OPEN TO not seeing other women?” It needs to open up a dialogue, instead of being a monologue.

Melanie is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and MY GUESS is that Jack will agree to her request. But if he doesn’t, he’s probably not the RIGHT GUY. And you know what? She already invested 5 YEARS in the last one. So, it would be better to find that out sooner THAN LATER.
XO,
LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

The Worst Dating Advice Ever

My friend, Justin Stenstrom, over at Elite Man Magazine is today’s guest blogger.  He wrote a fascinating piece about bad dating advice. While I don’t agree with everything Justin says–like I do think two people who are seriously seeking a lasting relationship should wait to have sex– I always find it intriguing to hear the perspective of my fellow coaches. Hope you enjoy!

The Worst Dating Advice Ever: 15 Things To Avoid

The Worst Dating Advice Ever

We’ve all gotten advice at some point or another in our lives. People love giving their two cents to others when it concerns something they presume themselves to be an expert in. They want nothing more than to help. But a lot of the time they don’t!

Not only do these self-described “experts” oftentimes have no real clue about what works and what doesn’t, the advice they dish out can frequently make things worse.

Take dating advice for example. People spew out dating advice to friends like Mt. Vesuvius spews out hot lava to Pompeians. Horrible advice after more horrible advice is lent onto unsuspecting and vulnerable men and women each and every day. The collateral damage of these poor recommendations can only be hypothesized. But rest assured, it’s not pretty!

Here are 15 examples of the absolute worst dating advice out there.

To read the rest of the article, click this link: http://elitemanmagazine.com/the-worst-dating-advice-ever-15-things-to-avoid/

 

Jessica’s Story

JESSICA

Words of Wisdom and Encouragement From the Dating Trenches & Beyond

 

When I first met Jessica, I really didn’t think we would be a good fit for coaching. I liked her, but she had this businesslike air about her that I am not familiar or especially comfortable with. I mean, I sign off on all my professional correspondence with words like “hugs” or “warmest regards.” We laugh about it now, but when I hugged her at the end of our first session—I’m a big hugger—she embraced me stiffly and patted me a couple of times on the back as if she was trying to console me.

You can make an appointment with Lisa Shield by clicking here

Flash forward two years and I am happy to say that Jessica continued coaching with me, and the results have been amazing. The experience of working together has been as rewarding for me as it has been for her. She holds a huge place in my heart and I have tremendous respect for her. Jessica took everything we talking about in our sessions and pushed herself as much as any client I’ve ever worked with. I am so impressed at how far she’s come and how deep her transformation has been. As you read this interview, pay particular attention to what Jessica says about how she used the dating process to let go of control and learn how to become more vulnerable. She is the true embodiment of what I call Naked Dating®.

 

So, I know you met someone you really like! I’m thrilled for you. How’s it going so far?

Well, I recently went home to Hawaii and Mike joined me for four of the ten days I was there. Lisa, it was his idea to come! While we were there, we had an intense talk about where we want to be in two years. I told him, “I would like for us to be married with kids.” We’ve only been dating four months, but we needed to have this conversation because it’s what I want and I don’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t on the same page as me. It was really hard for me to be this honest with him. When we first met, we talked about wanting kids and a family in a couple of years, but we’d never talked about doing it together.

 

The next day was very uncomfortable. After having a conversation this intense, I think two people need time to think things over. But because we were in Hawaii together, we didn’t have the space to breathe and digest what we’d talked about.

 

The good news is that the trip to Hawaii definitely brought us closer. Despite how dysfunctional my family is, I realized they’re pretty great. Mike was able to meet my parents and see where I came from.

 

I truly don’t know what the future holds, but I’ve surrendered control over my life and my desire to be a mother. If that is what’s meant to be, then it will be. I struggle sometimes with not knowing how this relationship will play out, but I know that all I can do is enjoy it and let it unfold.

 

Wow, that’s quite a transition from where you were when you first came to see me for coaching. Do you remember what your first session was like?

Oh my god! I was so closed off, tensed up and defensive, but I knew I needed help. I remember that I wasn’t receptive to what you had to say, but I also knew that I needed to stay open to hearing it. I made myself come back and listen to you. It was hard, but it’s always hard to take a good look at oneself.

 

What was the biggest change you feel you made through coaching?

I learned that I didn’t have to push people away to spare myself any pain. You showed me how to take down my walls and become softer and more vulnerable. I didn’t know how to speak to men in a way that was inviting and would draw them to me. You taught me a whole new language. I was always afraid to get emotionally naked because I was afraid that other people would think I was weak, but when you showed me how to get emotionally naked, it changed everything. Everyone found me more attractive, not just men—people at work, my friends and my family.

 

I remember you telling me that your boss noticed a change in you and gave you a raise.

My boss is older than I am and very walled off. When I stopped taking things personally and stopped competing with her, she noticed a change and became warm and tender towards me. Then one day, out of the blue, she called me into her office and gave me a big raise. It was like the universe telling me that I was doing something right.

 

Wow!  So, Naked Dating® works on bosses, too!  But it isn’t just that you’re able to show vulnerability, I notice that your voice is actually softer.

It’s funny you should say that. When I was home, I noticed how shrill my mom’s voice is. I told her that she needed to pay attention to her tone of voice because it puts people on edge around her. You once told me that my voice sounded anxious and that I needed to slow down because the anxiety in my voice would set men on edge. Right after our session, I went on a date. It felt deliberate, but I focused on slowing down. It worked, but more than anything, what really made my voice slower and kinder is that my ego has diminished. I’m not as controlling as I used to be. Coaching with you helped me change from the inside.

 

I know that we had one very difficult session where we talked about losing some weight. Can you talk a little bit about that?

You put it in a very nice way, but it was still very hard to hear. I had been going on dates, working on myself, and meeting a lot of nice men, but none of the ones I liked were asking me out on a second date. You said, “Jessica, if you knew that your weight was the one thing that was still preventing you from attracting the kind of partner you want, would you do everything in your power to change it?” As much as I didn’t like hearing this, you were right. It was getting in my way, and I had to face it. My mom is petite and, when I was growing up, she gave me a very hard time about my weight. I guess I just wanted to believe that if a man really loved me he would accept me the way I am. The sad thing is that if I lived anywhere but LA I would have been considered thin, but in this town 20 pounds makes a huge difference.

 

Ironically, when I had that fling with the young guy, it made me so anxious that I wound up losing 10 pounds. But the biggest change was when I decided to deal with my drinking. Learning how to get emotionally naked with others also meant getting naked with myself, and I began to see that I had a drinking problem. I went see an addiction counselor, stopped drinking, and I lost another 10 pounds. After I lost the weight, guys stated reaching out to me on Facebook, and some of the guys at work started calling me “Skinny.” Who wouldn’t love all that validation? Mike is very physically attracted to me!  He even tells me that he fantasizes about when I’m not around J

 

One of the incredible things about coaching with you is that you were willing to do whatever it took to find love. Not everyone is that courageous. I know that it’s a big deal to transition from being single to being in a relationship. What was that journey like for you?  

In 2013 there are a lot of modern women who celebrate being single. I was one of them. It was hard for me to stop putting so much importance on my career and let go of my independence. I was very self-absorbed and, even though I said I wanted a relationship, I really didn’t know how to create space in my life for a man.

 

One thing you helped me see is that even though I looked and dressed like a girl, I was emasculating men. I wanted them to feel empowered around me, but without even knowing it, I was doing everything I could to upstage and outdo them. You said that men don’t want to compete with women, especially when it comes to their careers. No wonder they weren’t lining up to marry me! What I loved about working with you is that you showed me I could be strong and independent and still be soft and feminine. I used to think that I needed a man who was stronger than me but now I know how to make a man feel strong around me.

 

One of the hardest things for women is giving up control. I know that you made a great deal of progress in this area. Can you share your experience?

I was afraid to put myself out there.  I mean what if I really tried and I didn’t meet anyone? I was anxious and overthinking everything. You gave me a different way to think about dating. Instead of focusing on meeting “The One” you explained how I could use the dating process to learn about men and what they want and need from a woman. Once I understood how I could use my experiences to grow, I was able to enjoy the process. All that control created so much anxiety for me. The minute I truly and honestly let go—it was on May 1st—I knew I was in a great place! I truly felt that I loved myself. I stopped trying to control my dating life and I started trusting that it would happen.  You won’t believe this but my first date with Mike was on May 14th, just two weeks later!

 

Wow!  That really is amazing!

I know!  You kept telling me that finding love is all about letting go of control and believing in your heart that it will happen. I got it intellectually, but doing it is another thing entirely. It’s hard to say just how I got there, but one day I got it and I just decided to stop trying to control everything… and I mean EVERYTHING.

 

I know I can’t control Mike. It’s his choice to love and care for me, or not. I want this to work more than anything, but I’m can’t control him. I know when he needs space and distance, and I give it to him. In one of our sessions, you explained me him that men need their space and independence, and I am fine giving him that. I was hanging onto everything for dear life, but when people’s needs are met, their reaction towards you is amazing. He gets what he wants and I get what I want. It’s all so simple, once you get it!

You can make an appointment with Lisa Shield by clicking here

You really did a 180. It’s like talking to a different person.

I am a different person. I used to think that traditional male/female roles were demeaning to women, but now I see how empowering it is to be a woman and to be vulnerable. I so appreciate how you were able to walk me through that process. I was telling my friend Jen that, as I became more vulnerable, I opened up to what I really want in a partner, not the superficial crap I thought I wanted before like a fancy car and a big house. Mike has the money for all those things, but he doesn’t care about them. He’s not flashy and he doesn’t care how other people see him. He’s sincere and nerdy, which is ultimately what I wanted. In the end, when I got naked, I attracted someone with the qualities I wanted.  I’d like to think that those are the qualities I exuded, as well… like attracting like. That’s made me happiest.

 

What would you tell people who are considering hiring a dating coach?

Just be open to one session. You have nothing to lose. My first step was being open to seeing Lisa. I knew deep inside that there were things I needed to change, and I was willing to do anything. Sometimes it sucked. It’s never easy to take an honest look at yourself, but it’s worth it in the end.

 

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that I’m in a really wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. We’ll see how things go. We are both contenders for marriage. I really want it, but I know I have no control over my destiny.

 

I just wish everyone the best. I know that there are times when this journey will feel like a terrible struggle and you will feel like you’re in a desolate place. That’s when you need to keep your heart open and trust the universe. As long as you keep working on yourself, it will happen. Hope is great, but it won’t happen without the self work. You have to be willing to change yourself. You have to be willing to admit fault. No one wants to think that they might have to change themselves, because you have to admit that you’re wrong. It’s too scary for a lot of people to go there, but you have to if you truly want it.

You can make an appointment with Lisa Shield by clicking here

More Tools for Your Naked Dating® Toolkit

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In my last blog, I talked about how, despite the fact that Internet dating is fraught with challenges, you have a choice in what you get from the experience. You can go out on one boring date after another and become increasingly hopeless about ever finding The One, or you can see every email, phone conversation and date as an chance to learn more about yourself and the opposite sex. Many of the skills that will make you a successful dater—being kind, compassionate, open-minded, open-hearted, non-reactive, interested in what others have to share and open to sharing about yourself—will also make you a better life partner.

When most clients first come to me for coaching, they think that they’re ready for a relationship, but they’re not. They might be ready to start dating and learning how to open their hearts to let another person in, but they are not ready to be in the kind of passionate, playful, unconditionally loving relationships they say they want. Remember, having a successful life partnership means that you no longer get to have it your way all the time. When you are a couple, you must make room in your life and in your heart for another person. This usually isn’t an easy transition for most singles to make.

I love online dating because it’s where you’ll get the most dates and have the most opportunities to stretch and grow. While you’re out there, you want to practice developing the skills that will make you a better dater and partner. In my last blog, I talked about becoming a positive spin-doctor so you can stay optimistic in the face of all those Internet dating challenges. Let’s look at some other skills you can hone while navigating the wacky world of cyber dating.

  1. Becoming a “quality” person. Choose a quality in yourself that you would like to develop such as: playfulness, compassion, kindness, trust, sensuality, generosity, vulnerability, etc. Now, set an intention to use it in everything you do. If you chose playfulness, write emails that are short and silly. Add some funny, offbeat lines to your profile. When someone you like stops emailing, send a quirky message asking if he or she was kidnapped by wild pygmies and offer an escape plan. When I was dating, I wanted to become more playful, so I wrote a nonsensical profile that began: “My niece thinks I’m funny, my nephew things I’m pretty, and Milo the puppy doesn’t have an opinion because he’s too young and he can’t talk yet.” I don’t know what it meant, but it caught the attention of the right guy who wrote in his profile that he was looking for a woman with a “twisted sense of humor.”

  1. Becoming true to your goal. One of the most difficult things to do in dating—and in life—is to learn how to stop pushing for what you want. There is a saying that rejection is protection. If someone rejects you it’s because he or she isn’t right for you. If the other person isn’t responding in the way you want, you need to let go and move on. Learn to let go with love and respect. You want to learn how to do this without anger or blame. No one owes you anything. It is up to you to keep dating and moving towards your goals and dreams. Learn to trust the universe and keep reminding yourself that there is someone out there for you. It took me two years and nearly 100 first dates before I met my husband! In the end, you need to find someone who is ready for a relationship here and now, not next week or a year from now. Right now.

  1. Becoming the real deal. A lot of people misrepresent themselves online. They lie about their age, height or body type. It’s a shame that we feel we aren’t good enough. Every time you distort the truth to get what you want, you actually push it away. Try to be as real as you can be and see what happens. You will get more responses from people who are actually viable candidates for you. Have the guts to stand in your own truth and see what happens. I now it’s hard when other people are lying about these things, but I urge you to have the guts to stand in your truth and see what happens.

If you are serious about finding a partner, online dating is one of the best ways to prepare yourself for being in a relationship. Be open, be honest, and move on gracefully when you need to.  Don’t let yourself get dragged down. You are in control of your experience- make it fun! It’s great practice for when the real deal comes along.

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Lisa Shield today

How to Approach Online Dating Like a “Naked” Dater

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It’s no secret: online dating can be a drag.  Some people start communicating and stop without explanation, some ask for your phone number and then never call, some even suggest a date and don’t follow through. There are myths that all the men online are commitmentphobes looking for sex and all the women are foreigners looking for husbands. And have you heard of the “New Math?”  Add three inches and deduct 5 years, because everyone knows that many online daters lie about their weight, height, and age, amongst other things.

It’s hard not to get discouraged when so many things can and sometimes do go wrong, but don’t let yourself get dragged down! I encourage you to look at Internet dating in a whole new way.  “How would I do that?” you might ask.  Well, I developed a strategy called Naked Dating®Naked Daters figure that as long as they have to go out on all these dates, they might as well use them to their advantage and work on their relationship goals while they’re out there!

Of course, Naked Daters didn’t always think this way.  When most of my clients first came to me for coaching, they weren’t all that happy when I suggested that, just because they wanted to be in a relationship, it didn’t mean that they were ready for one.  At least not the deeply committed, wildly passionate, emotionally naked relationships they were describing to me.

Going from single to a relationship is an adjustment.  When you’re single, you don’t have to ask anyone if you can buy that new TV, or move to a new city for that great job opportunity.  You can do as you please!  But things change radically when you’re in a relationship.  Having a successful partnership, requires you to make your partner’s needs, wants, and desires as important to you as your own.  This isn’t an easy shift to make after being single.

Here is where Internet dating proves useful. As a Naked Dater, I encourage you to see every email exchange, every phone call, and every date as an opportunity to practice getting emotionally naked and opening up your heart.  This way when the right person does appear, you will be ready to step into the relationship of your dreams.

There are many different skills you can hone while dating online.  In my next blog post I will talk about a variety of different ways you can use the online dating process to challenge yourself, but for now I don’t want to bore you to tears. So, today we will focus on one very important skill: How to become a positive spin-doctor.

If you are going to stay online long enough to find the right partner, it helps to learn how to put a positive spin on your experiences. To do this, you need to stop listening to your inner “Frenemy”—the voice of judgment and fear—and start listening to your Naked Dater—the voice of compassion and love.  You could also say that the Frenemy is your inner critic and the Naked Dater your Higher Self. Let me show you the difference between listening to The Frenemy and listening to the Naked Dater.

Let’s say it’s a Friday night and you are waiting for your hot date to show up—but he never comes. The Frenemy might say, “You are not good enough. There isn’t anyone out there for you. Who are you kidding? This will never work.”  The Naked Dater would think, “This person’s behavior shows that he isn’t ready for a relationship. His profile says he is looking for a life partner, but his behavior is saying something else. You showed up and did the best you could. It’s best to move on.”

The wonderful thing about mastering the art of being a positive spin-doctor is that this skill will come in very handy once you’re in a relationship. My husband is often so tired at the end of a day that he will close his eyes right in the middle of a conversation with me. I will be talking and he will close his eyes, even if I am saying something deeply important! If I wasn’t well versed in being a positive spin-doctor, if I hadn’t learned this lesson from Internet dating, I might become upset and feel that he was being rude. But I know better.

They way I feel in every moment depends on the stories I make up about what’s happening to me and around me. I can tell myself that what I was saying was stupid (and feel sorry for myself), or I can put a positive spin on it by telling myself my husband works hard and that he’s just tired (and feel better about what happened). You get to spin your dating stories any way you want to, so why not practice making them positive? Mastering this skill while you date is guaranteed to radically improve your online dating experience, but most of all, it will help you sustain the romance you are working so hard to find. When you are able to see the positive in every moment, you will stop being so reactive to every silly thing your partner says and does. Ultimately, isn’t this what we’re looking for?

For more helpful skills to practice while Online Dating, stay tuned….

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Lisa Shield today

Molly’s Story

naked dating lisa shieldMolly, a petit blonde in her early thirties, likes to talk in fake accents, is easily amused, and gives everyone in her life nicknames. She’s also one of the most endearing clients I’ve ever coached. We’ve been working together for over two years. In that time, we’ve developed a deep bond. I feel so fortunate to be coaching with her and to have witnessed her remarkable transformation. 

When Molly first started seeing me, she had shortage of dates, but she wasn’t able to turn any of those connections into the kind of relationship she really wanted. Whenever she started dating someone, she would freak out the minute she sensed the slightest change in their connection. Maybe he would stop texting as frequently or fail to make plans in advance for the weekend. The smallest shift in the relationship would kick up her defenses and cause her to become passive-aggressive and play games. It didn’t help that all of her friends egged her on, telling her to “not answer his texts” and to “let him come to her.”

Through a process I developed called Naked Dating®, I showed Molly a different way to date, one where she could stop playing mind games and be honest and real instead.  With my help, she learned to use the dating process to practice getting emotionally naked and speaking up for herself without coming across as needy, desperate, angry, or insecure. Molly admits that it was hard to stop running away and face her fear of rejection, but her willingness to do whatever it took to break this pattern has totally changed her dating and her life.


Here’s what Molly had to say about her experience…

What prompted you to call me?

I had been in a relationship for 7 years, so when I found myself back in the dating world again it was different and scary. I noticed that I was making mistakes, but I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and no one was able to tell me. You’re the only one who said, “Molly, you’re not being vulnerable.” No one had ever said that to me before. You told me that I had this whole wall built up. I never knew that. I just knew that, at first, the guys were so into me. They really liked me, but then it always ended the same way. They would pull away and then I would pull away, too. They never even knew I liked them or needed anything from them. I always played it cool so they wouldn’t see that I was hurt. I would just walk away and never talk to them again. I would be falling apart on the inside, but I would never let them know. I did this for years. I wanted to stop it, but until I met you, I didn’t know how.

What is like to coach with me?

It feels like I have someone on my side, someone who knows me and doesn’t just agree with me to make me feel better. You tell it like it is and you make me think outside of my own ways. You come from a place of love and compassion and not many people do. The advice I get from everyone else is harsh and black-and-white and self-serving. My girlfriends tell me that, if someone doesn’t call, to just screw it and move on.  It’s always, “Play the game, don’t be available, and get your game face on.”

How’s that working for them?

Well, they’re very single. I have this one friend. She is the most defensive person I know. She always tells me that I overthink things and worry too much, but now I see that she is the one who’s playing it cool, just like I used to do. She’s so guarded and I can see that she doesn’t let people in. She always tries to make me feel like a fool and like I being overly emotional about things.

If were going to tell this friend about coaching what would you say to her? 

I would say that Lisa’s an angel.  She’s honest, insightful, and very compassionate so I feel very comfortable being open and honest with her and I don’t have to hide my truth from her like I do with other people.  I can honestly say that she knows me better than people who’ve known me for ten years.  It’s been life changing for me. It’s helped me tap into a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. Coaching with Lisa is like working muscles I didn’t know I had. It’s helped me become more self-aware, more peaceful, and more spiritual. I feel like I have a safe place to go where I don’t feel as lost. When I can’t relate to anyone else and I feel like I can always relate to her. She never embarrasses me or makes me feel judged.

How has coaching with me affected your life in general?

I have made so many changes over the last year: I’ve moved cities and I have a brand new career. I also have a better view of myself and I am more careful about who I let into my life. Another thing you’ve helped me discover is my spiritual side and you’ve shown me how important it is to keep improving myself. I am now able express myself more honestly and I have a better handle on my emotions. The coaching has helped me have better relationships with everyone in my life.

How has the coaching directly affected your dating?

I used to attract men who were very egotistical and self-serving. They really weren’t interested in getting to know me. They liked the idea of who I was better than who I actually am. Instead of looking for someone who was loving and gentle and showed up for me, I also got caught up in appearances. One thing you told me that always sticks out in my mind is to look for someone kind. So, now I always ask myself, would this man be good and kind to me.

You’ve also encouraged me to put myself far outside my comfort zone in other ways. You’ve encouraged me to say things I never thought humanly possible to say. You’ve made me ask the hard questions. It’s been challenging, but I needed somebody to get me out of my own way and not just tell me what I wanted hear.

You’ve continued coaching with me even now that you’re in a new relationship. Why?

The coaching has been indispensible.  You’ve been there for me every step of the way. I know that I can call you anytime I get scared and want to run away. You encourage me to do the complete opposite of what I normally do and it works every time. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and I am not pushing him away. Lately we’ve been hitting a few hurdles and it’s been really hard because this is the point where I usually shut down. This time, instead of running, I thought of you and I just texted him and let him know how I was feeling. When you told me that it was a perfect text, I felt so proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I couldn’t have done this without you.

How does this relationship compare to others you’ve been in?

It’s a lot deeper. He’s said things to me and I’ve said things to him that I’ve never said to anyone in a relationship. I am still very scared and I am still not sure. I wish I could say that everything has fallen in to place, but I am learning to deal with real life issues by being loving and undemanding and seeing someone else’s perspective. You keep reminding me to be compassionate and act like a grown woman and not a little girl. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do this without your help. Before this, I didn’t have a clue how to relate to a man at a deeper level.

I know you had a lot of resistance to online dating but you met your current boyfriend online. Can you share a little bit about what that process was like for you?

Going online was way out of my comfort zone. I never had any trouble getting dates, so I didn’t see the point, but you kept insisting that I do it so I finally agreed. It was a very humbling experience. People I know saw my profile. I got messages from my cousin and from friends of my uncle and sister. What made me stick in there was that I didn’t want to look back ten years from now and think that maybe I missed out on a lifetime of happiness because I was too concerned with what other people thought of me.

Internet dating has allowed me to meet people I would never have crossed paths with before. It also saved me from having to go prospecting at bars and restaurants. Really young guys would hit me on and, after awhile, going out just felt like a complete waste of time. Being online is a lot more efficient because you can see what the guys are like and it cuts out a lot of the BS. I also feel like being online put me ahead of my friends who are still looking for men in clubs and bars.

What would you say to people who are hesitant about working with a coach? 

I would say that Lisa can help guide you and show you a different way when you’re caught up in your own perspective. When you’re struggling, it’s invaluable to have someone who can offer you the answer. I’ve found that Lisa has gone out of her way to answer my emails and calls.  I feel that, in addition to being my coach, she’s become my friend and she’s personally vested in my success. I love her. She’s the best.  She has such a good heart and she’s such a loving person. I respect her and value her opinion.  She’s added so much to my life. I don’t know if I would be where I am today if Lisa wasn’t a part of it.

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule a valuable session by clicking here

Jennifer’s Story

My client, Jennifer, and I have been coaching together for the past five months. Jennifer is a very attractive, high-powered professional in her early forties. Like many of my clients, she woke up one day and realized that she had attained almost everything she wanted in life except a partner to share it with. Somehow, this important piece had eluded her. Why was this beautiful, successful, sexy woman still single? Jennifer decided to hire a dating coach to help her find out. As luck would have it, that dating coach was me.

Jennifer has been a joy to work with—she’s a dream client. I love her sense of humor and I have so much respect for the way she’s stretched herself and grown throughout the coaching process. I thought she’d be the perfect person to interview for this newsletter so that she could share her experience of what it’s like to work with a dating coach. So, without further adieu, here’s Jennifer!

Lisa: So, what prompted you to contact a dating coach?

Jennifer: Well, absolutely nothing was happening on the dating front, and it started to become clear to me that I needed help figuring out what I was doing wrong. Something happened that got me to start looking for a coach. Did I ever tell you that story?

L: No, but I would love to hear about it.

J: This is really embarrassing, but I was watching The Biggest Loser and there was this guy. I think he was about 24. He’d been overweight all his life and he’d ever been on a date, so he felt pretty lousy about himself. The show thought it might help him stay on his diet if they hired a dating coach for him. He was set up on dates and then the coach gave him feedback on how he did. It got me thinking: “If this guy can get someone to help him date, why can’t I?” So, right then and there, I went and Googled dating coaches… and whose name should pop up? I was able to book a session right away through your online calendar so I just went for it… and the rest is history.

L: I love it! What were you hoping to get from working with a dating coach?

J: My friends were willing to give me dating advice, but they knew me too well to tell me what my barriers were, and I certainly wasn’t able to see them on my own. So, I figured it would be helpful to get a fresh perspective. I knew that some of the behaviors that came so naturally to me must not be attractive to men. I didn’t know if maybe I seemed standoffish or if I just wasn’t being warm and open, but I felt that a dating expert could help me see what I was doing wrong.

L: What have you learned from the coaching? 

J: OMG! I’ve learned a ton from you… so much that it’s hard to put into words. You’ve completely changed my mindset and outlook on dating. You encouraged me to embrace the softer side of myself. You told me that guys are not looking for a business associate; they want a playmate, a lover, and a best friend—someone they can love and feel safe opening up to.

Schedule a session with Lisa by clicking on this link

Another thing you pointed out is that I rush around a lot.  I’m a very type A personality. You encouraged me to slow down and be more present.  You said that women who are present and in their bodies are more sensual and more attractive to men.

You also radically changed the way I think about the kind of men I should be looking for.  You encouraged me not to be in such a hurry to meet someone. You said that I should enjoy the process of getting to know men and letting them get to know me.  I had a lot of barriers up.  I was always giving men the stiff arm and I certainly wasn’t practicing getting Naked. I was dating, but I wasn’t letting anyone get close to me: “You stay over there and I will tell you as much as I want to tell you when I want tell it to you.”  That’s not good behavior if you want to form a relationship.

There is so much that I’ve learned.  I think about what you tell me all the time, and I hope I’m putting it into practice.  Just being able to describe all of this is monumental for me.  These concepts are really simple, but if someone doesn’t know them, they could be sitting on the sidelines forever.

L: Would you mention three things you appreciate about having me as your coach?

J: The first thing is that your comments and observations are down-to-earth and real. I love how you discourage playing games of any kind. You’ve shown me how to go out on dates and practice getting emotionally naked so that a man can get to know and fall in love with the real me. The guidance you’ve given me is practical and it really works.

Another thing I appreciate about you is that I don’t feel like I’m just another client. I feel like I am your project, but in a good way. You truly care. You even touch base with me outside of the sessions.  You are continually nudging me to be active and pursue dating.  I genuinely feel that you want me to find a life partner as much as I do… and that’s unusual.  I feel like you put your heart and soul into helping your clients.

The third thing I love about you is that you tell it like it is. I will never forget the time you called me to the carpet and said that I sucked as a client. You said that you were frustrated because I had everything going for me and you couldn’t help me if I wasn’t going to help myself. That was really impressive because I am paying you to coach me, but that didn’t matter to you. You were more committed to telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. You were trying to figure out a way to shake me up and get me moving in the right direction.  I loved that.  It was the greatest experience.

L: If people are on the fence about hiring a dating coach, what would you tell them? 

J: Don’t be embarrassed about it. It’s okay to admit that you need help with this part of your life. Your prince won’t arrive if you’re stuck in your everyday life. You need to have someone to help you get out of your own way so that you can connect with your prince and let him in.  We’re so willing to ask for help in other ways, whether it using a financial adviser or getting a personal trainer. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that you need a little help in the dating world.  I had to see that I couldn’t do it myself.  I had to see that I needed an outside opinion. I had to get out of my own way. Don’t be embarrassed to embrace learning about the dating process. Working with you is one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule a valuable session by clicking here

Web Show LIFE CHANGERS – Lisa Shield “Naked” Dating & Relationship Expert

“Join me, Caroline Buhler, in this episode where you’ll hear Lisa Shield “Naked” Dating & Relationship Expert, tell stories about dating, relationships, and how to find true love in this world. Let’s get inspired together, comment below the video. Share your stories :)”

Links for you:

Lisa’s website
http://www.lisashield.com

Lisa’s blog
http://www.lisashield.com/blog

Schedule a session with Lisa Shield
http://www.genbook.com/bookings/slot/reservation/30105083?bookingSourceId=1000

What Dating Coaching Can do for You

iStock_000007389180XSmallInterestingly enough, most of the people who come to me for dating coaching don’t come just to learn how to date. There is so much information out there on the “ins and outs” of dating that it’s easy to find anywhere on the web. They don’t need me for that. You probably don’t need to read another article on The 10 Best Places to Meet Quality Men or The 5 Thing to Never Say on a First Date, either. I will tell you this: You will not find another system out there that is as well thought out or can take your dating experience to a deeper level than Naked Dating®.  I don’t just show you superficial things about dating.  Naked Dating digs in and gets you to see dating as a transformational process that helps you become a more loving, openhearted person so that you can attract true love.  There are certain things that I can help you accomplish in the dating arena that are not as easily achieved through reading a book, going to therapy, or even by working with other dating coaches.

Here are the top three reasons people come to me for Naked Dating® coaching:

  1. To Identify and Break Repeated Relationship Patterns
  2. To Hold them Accountable for Dating
  3. To Understand What Real Love Looks Like and Develop the Faith That It Exists

Identifying and breaking repeated relationship patterns…

 

Last Friday, I saw a new client for just this issue.  As Kristi described her most recent dating disaster, tears streamed from her aquamarine eyes.  “He told me he wanted to be exclusive from the first date.  Another dating coach I saw said that this was a great sign.  On her advice, I asked him for a promise ring and he gave it to me.  He said he would take care of me forever, but then it got weird.  He wouldn’t slow down.  It was like he was obsessed with me.  I asked him to slow down, but he got so defensive and mean that I had to break it off.  Why do I keep attracting these really passive-aggressive guys?  I meet these guys and it’s hot and heavy for a few weeks and then everything falls apart.  I can’t keep doing this.”  The stream of tears now flowed like a river.  “I can’t…keep…doing this,” she moaned.  

Many of you might already have seen that you can go out on one date after another, but if you’re repeating the same patterns, attracting different versions of the same person over and over again, nothing is going to change.  You will never find a truly loving relationship this way.  One of the hardest things to do is to identify and break relationship patterns.  Why?  Because we are so convinced that the flood of emotions we feel when we meet someone who triggers our pattern is love.  “But I can’t help it.  This is what I am attracted to.”  I hear this all the time from clients.  As long as you keep telling yourself this, then it’s true.  You will keep thinking that the crazy over-the-top feeling you get when you meet someone who is wrong for you is love.  “But it feels so good and it feels so real, and I want to have chemistry with someone.”  As long as you believe this, it will be your reality.  The truth is that your beliefs are what cause you to feel a certain way, not the other way around.  You do not feel aroused and then think, “God, he’s hot.”  You think, “God, he’s hot!” and then you start feeling aroused.  As your coach, I will help you first identify your relationship patterns and then we will begin to change the thinking that is causing you to repeat these patterns.  Just being aware of the pattern doesn’t help you stop repeating it.  To break a pattern you need to change the belief system that’s causing you to feel a certain way.  Then, you need to apply this to the choices you make in dating.  You need to go out on dates and break the pattern by making different choices in the moment.  As your Naked Dating® coach, I will show you how this is done.

 

Holding you accountable for dating…

One of my all-time favorite clients emailed me this past Friday for an emergency powwow (session).  Here’s what she said:

 

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I’m looking forward to seeing you too and having you help me not be a dating dodo!  Heading into week two of online dating, pretty hilarious (as I’m sure you know), even had a guy send me a picture of him holding two big coconuts in front of his two little coconuts… hahaha people… please!

But here are my questions and concerns about me! I’m afraid that I may turn away a good match because:

 

a) I’m not impressed with their profession

b) I’m not super attracted to them psychically

 

I’ve just begun communicating with a guy that’s handsome and seems sweet but he works in construction/building. And I feel like an ass because I’m being very “judgey” (in my head) about it.  Then there have been a couple other nice guys but I’m really not that attracted to them.

I definitely think I’m going to need your help so I don’t pass up a guy for a BS reason OR don’t say yes because I feel guilty. Ha! It’s good to be me.

 

Thanks!

Jenny

 

My clients know how important it is to have an expert watch over and encouraging them through the dating process.  As your Naked Dating® coach, I will be with you every step of the way, reminding you of how special you are, that true love exists, and that it is yours for the taking.  I will help you spot the good guys and let the not-so-good-guys go.   When you go out on one dead-end date after another, it can be tough to stay optimistic and keep the momentum.  Who better than me to keep you going through that process?  Before I met my husband, I went on nearly 100 first dates in two years.  You heard me right: I went on nearly 100 first dates in two years.  Only two of those dates were second dates.  If anyone knows how challenging this process can be, it’s me.  But I found true love and you can too!   Let me help you!

Helping you understand what true love is and helping you keep the faith that you can find it…

This is my personal favorite reason for coaching and it’s why I became a coach.  I grew up in a very unloving and critical family.  From a very early age, I knew that something was seriously wrong with the way my parents treated each other.  They divorced when I was ten, and I became trapped in the middle of their failed marriage.  I had no way to guard against the vicious things they said to me about one another.  I was too young to understand how poisonous it is to gossip, but I knew intuitively that something was terribly wrong with what they were doing.  As a kid, all I wanted to do was love my parents.  Like I lot of people, when I grew up, I married a man who was like my father and repeated many of my parents’ mistakes.  When that ended, I vowed to figure out what real love looked like and how to find it.  I couldn’t keep repeating the same mistakes and recreating loveless relationships.

This is how Naked Dating® was born.  When I left my first husband, I spent six years doing some serious interpersonal work on myself, doing everything from traditional therapy to working with a well-known Mexican shaman, Don Miguel Ruiz.  At some point, everything I was learning about love and relationships started to make sense.  I realized that true and unconditional love started with me: that the way to attract true love was by becoming a truly loving person.  I didn’t just go out on dates and look for The One.  I focused on becoming The One.  I knew that change comes from within and that I would only attract the partner I wanted by becoming the kind of partner I wanted to attract.  This is the heart and soul of Naked Dating® and it is something I can show you how to do.

Ten years ago, I met the love of my life.   The other day my husband looked at me and said, “You know, I think we have the relationship most people are looking for.”  One thing I know for sure is that I don’t think two people could love, respect, or cherish each other more than we do.  As your coach, I can offer you the perspective of someone who has been on both sides of the equation.  I took my theories and ideas about what it takes to find love, put them to the test in my own life, and found the closet thing I can imagine to true and unconditional love.  Because I was so grateful for the love I found, I created Naked Dating® so I could help others find the love they want and deserve.  For the past ten years, I have guided others along this same path.  Perhaps you’ll be next?  I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that figuring out how to love and have a loving relationship has made the most profound difference in my life.  Waking up every day knowing that I am loved and knowing that there is someone there by my side to walk through life with me is the closet thing to peace on earth we can achieve.  Love is yours for the taking.  All you have to do is find first it inside yourself and then find another person to share it with.  Naked Dating® can show you how it’s done.

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