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Finally, the Answer to All Your Bad Dates!

Finally, the Answer to all Your Bad Dates!

Finally, the Answer to All Your Bad Dates!

This is everyone’s dating nightmare: You’re sitting across the table from someone and the conversation is as stale as a week old Trader Joe’s baguette. He’s been ranting about his bitchy ex-girlfriend for nearly an hour, and every time you try to change the subject, he somehow manages to bring it back to her. You have visions of “accidentally” spilling your martini in his lap, but you can’t because your drink is the only thing that’s keeping you from completely losing your mind.

We’ve all been there. Bad dates, especially a string of bad ones, can be agonizing. After enough disappointments, it’s easy to feel like throwing in the towel and giving up on love completely.

But before you delete your online dating profile and resign yourself to being single forever, consider this: what if all of those dates—even the disastrous ones—are actually opportunities for you to practice becoming the person you need to be when the love of your life arrives?

Take it from someone who went out on almost 100 first dates in two years before I found my soul mate: If you want to find an incredible partner, you have to first know how to be an incredible partner—and that’s something most people don’t know how to do. Most of us don’t know how create a successful relationship with ourselves, let alone with another person.

Let me back up a minute. When I first started dating, I was a mess. I knew I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I really wanted, but I knew that I could use the dating process to help me get there. By going out on lots of dates with many different men, I was able to work through much of the anxiety I had about getting close to a man. I practiced speaking up for myself, I learned how to talk to men and ask for what I needed, and I learned how to face rejection and hear the word “no” without overreacting or taking it personally. I also became more honest, open, vulnerable, and playful. I exercised restraint and stopped having sex without a commitment. In the end, I realized that as long as I was challenging myself to grow and learn, there was no such thing as a bad date. Two years later, when I met my future husband, I was a very different woman than when I first started dating.

We all have some growing to do. So, the next time you’re on a less-than-exciting date, don’t just sit there feeling like you’re wasting your time. Ask yourself: how can I use this experience to become a more loving, openhearted person? How can I be a better listener? Is there more of myself that I need to share? What can I do to be more playful, inquisitive, and engaged?

It might seem like you’re just being faced with one disappointment after another, but the truth is you might not even be ready for the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Dating can offer lessons and challenges that you won’t get anywhere else. Going back to the example of the date with that guy who won’t stop talking about his ex, the challenge there would be to find a diplomatic way to tell him what you’re really thinking. You might say something like, “It doesn’t seem like you’re ready to date. It feels like you’re still working through your last relationship.” If you say something, you’ll walk away feeling good about speaking up, and your date will have gained a little insight into what he’s doing wrong.

In the end, dating is what you make of it. You don’t know how many dates stand between you and the love of your life, so why not use the ones in between to become the best version of yourself you can be? Take it from someone who’s been there: no matter how long the wait—and how rough the dating waters—it will all be worth it in the end.

 

Dating doesn’t have to be a drag. Click here to schedule a free consult and find out how Naked Dating® is a path that can lead to real love.

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Jennifer’s Story

My client, Jennifer, and I have been coaching together for the past five months. Jennifer is a very attractive, high-powered professional in her early forties. Like many of my clients, she woke up one day and realized that she had attained almost everything she wanted in life except a partner to share it with. Somehow, this important piece had eluded her. Why was this beautiful, successful, sexy woman still single? Jennifer decided to hire a dating coach to help her find out. As luck would have it, that dating coach was me.

Jennifer has been a joy to work with—she’s a dream client. I love her sense of humor and I have so much respect for the way she’s stretched herself and grown throughout the coaching process. I thought she’d be the perfect person to interview for this newsletter so that she could share her experience of what it’s like to work with a dating coach. So, without further adieu, here’s Jennifer!

Lisa: So, what prompted you to contact a dating coach?

Jennifer: Well, absolutely nothing was happening on the dating front, and it started to become clear to me that I needed help figuring out what I was doing wrong. Something happened that got me to start looking for a coach. Did I ever tell you that story?

L: No, but I would love to hear about it.

J: This is really embarrassing, but I was watching The Biggest Loser and there was this guy. I think he was about 24. He’d been overweight all his life and he’d ever been on a date, so he felt pretty lousy about himself. The show thought it might help him stay on his diet if they hired a dating coach for him. He was set up on dates and then the coach gave him feedback on how he did. It got me thinking: “If this guy can get someone to help him date, why can’t I?” So, right then and there, I went and Googled dating coaches… and whose name should pop up? I was able to book a session right away through your online calendar so I just went for it… and the rest is history.

L: I love it! What were you hoping to get from working with a dating coach?

J: My friends were willing to give me dating advice, but they knew me too well to tell me what my barriers were, and I certainly wasn’t able to see them on my own. So, I figured it would be helpful to get a fresh perspective. I knew that some of the behaviors that came so naturally to me must not be attractive to men. I didn’t know if maybe I seemed standoffish or if I just wasn’t being warm and open, but I felt that a dating expert could help me see what I was doing wrong.

L: What have you learned from the coaching? 

J: OMG! I’ve learned a ton from you… so much that it’s hard to put into words. You’ve completely changed my mindset and outlook on dating. You encouraged me to embrace the softer side of myself. You told me that guys are not looking for a business associate; they want a playmate, a lover, and a best friend—someone they can love and feel safe opening up to.

Schedule a session with Lisa by clicking on this link

Another thing you pointed out is that I rush around a lot.  I’m a very type A personality. You encouraged me to slow down and be more present.  You said that women who are present and in their bodies are more sensual and more attractive to men.

You also radically changed the way I think about the kind of men I should be looking for.  You encouraged me not to be in such a hurry to meet someone. You said that I should enjoy the process of getting to know men and letting them get to know me.  I had a lot of barriers up.  I was always giving men the stiff arm and I certainly wasn’t practicing getting Naked. I was dating, but I wasn’t letting anyone get close to me: “You stay over there and I will tell you as much as I want to tell you when I want tell it to you.”  That’s not good behavior if you want to form a relationship.

There is so much that I’ve learned.  I think about what you tell me all the time, and I hope I’m putting it into practice.  Just being able to describe all of this is monumental for me.  These concepts are really simple, but if someone doesn’t know them, they could be sitting on the sidelines forever.

L: Would you mention three things you appreciate about having me as your coach?

J: The first thing is that your comments and observations are down-to-earth and real. I love how you discourage playing games of any kind. You’ve shown me how to go out on dates and practice getting emotionally naked so that a man can get to know and fall in love with the real me. The guidance you’ve given me is practical and it really works.

Another thing I appreciate about you is that I don’t feel like I’m just another client. I feel like I am your project, but in a good way. You truly care. You even touch base with me outside of the sessions.  You are continually nudging me to be active and pursue dating.  I genuinely feel that you want me to find a life partner as much as I do… and that’s unusual.  I feel like you put your heart and soul into helping your clients.

The third thing I love about you is that you tell it like it is. I will never forget the time you called me to the carpet and said that I sucked as a client. You said that you were frustrated because I had everything going for me and you couldn’t help me if I wasn’t going to help myself. That was really impressive because I am paying you to coach me, but that didn’t matter to you. You were more committed to telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. You were trying to figure out a way to shake me up and get me moving in the right direction.  I loved that.  It was the greatest experience.

L: If people are on the fence about hiring a dating coach, what would you tell them? 

J: Don’t be embarrassed about it. It’s okay to admit that you need help with this part of your life. Your prince won’t arrive if you’re stuck in your everyday life. You need to have someone to help you get out of your own way so that you can connect with your prince and let him in.  We’re so willing to ask for help in other ways, whether it using a financial adviser or getting a personal trainer. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that you need a little help in the dating world.  I had to see that I couldn’t do it myself.  I had to see that I needed an outside opinion. I had to get out of my own way. Don’t be embarrassed to embrace learning about the dating process. Working with you is one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule a valuable session by clicking here

What Dating Coaching Can do for You

iStock_000007389180XSmallInterestingly enough, most of the people who come to me for dating coaching don’t come just to learn how to date. There is so much information out there on the “ins and outs” of dating that it’s easy to find anywhere on the web. They don’t need me for that. You probably don’t need to read another article on The 10 Best Places to Meet Quality Men or The 5 Thing to Never Say on a First Date, either. I will tell you this: You will not find another system out there that is as well thought out or can take your dating experience to a deeper level than Naked Dating®.  I don’t just show you superficial things about dating.  Naked Dating digs in and gets you to see dating as a transformational process that helps you become a more loving, openhearted person so that you can attract true love.  There are certain things that I can help you accomplish in the dating arena that are not as easily achieved through reading a book, going to therapy, or even by working with other dating coaches.

Here are the top three reasons people come to me for Naked Dating® coaching:

  1. To Identify and Break Repeated Relationship Patterns
  2. To Hold them Accountable for Dating
  3. To Understand What Real Love Looks Like and Develop the Faith That It Exists

Identifying and breaking repeated relationship patterns…

 

Last Friday, I saw a new client for just this issue.  As Kristi described her most recent dating disaster, tears streamed from her aquamarine eyes.  “He told me he wanted to be exclusive from the first date.  Another dating coach I saw said that this was a great sign.  On her advice, I asked him for a promise ring and he gave it to me.  He said he would take care of me forever, but then it got weird.  He wouldn’t slow down.  It was like he was obsessed with me.  I asked him to slow down, but he got so defensive and mean that I had to break it off.  Why do I keep attracting these really passive-aggressive guys?  I meet these guys and it’s hot and heavy for a few weeks and then everything falls apart.  I can’t keep doing this.”  The stream of tears now flowed like a river.  “I can’t…keep…doing this,” she moaned.  

Many of you might already have seen that you can go out on one date after another, but if you’re repeating the same patterns, attracting different versions of the same person over and over again, nothing is going to change.  You will never find a truly loving relationship this way.  One of the hardest things to do is to identify and break relationship patterns.  Why?  Because we are so convinced that the flood of emotions we feel when we meet someone who triggers our pattern is love.  “But I can’t help it.  This is what I am attracted to.”  I hear this all the time from clients.  As long as you keep telling yourself this, then it’s true.  You will keep thinking that the crazy over-the-top feeling you get when you meet someone who is wrong for you is love.  “But it feels so good and it feels so real, and I want to have chemistry with someone.”  As long as you believe this, it will be your reality.  The truth is that your beliefs are what cause you to feel a certain way, not the other way around.  You do not feel aroused and then think, “God, he’s hot.”  You think, “God, he’s hot!” and then you start feeling aroused.  As your coach, I will help you first identify your relationship patterns and then we will begin to change the thinking that is causing you to repeat these patterns.  Just being aware of the pattern doesn’t help you stop repeating it.  To break a pattern you need to change the belief system that’s causing you to feel a certain way.  Then, you need to apply this to the choices you make in dating.  You need to go out on dates and break the pattern by making different choices in the moment.  As your Naked Dating® coach, I will show you how this is done.

 

Holding you accountable for dating…

One of my all-time favorite clients emailed me this past Friday for an emergency powwow (session).  Here’s what she said:

 

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I’m looking forward to seeing you too and having you help me not be a dating dodo!  Heading into week two of online dating, pretty hilarious (as I’m sure you know), even had a guy send me a picture of him holding two big coconuts in front of his two little coconuts… hahaha people… please!

But here are my questions and concerns about me! I’m afraid that I may turn away a good match because:

 

a) I’m not impressed with their profession

b) I’m not super attracted to them psychically

 

I’ve just begun communicating with a guy that’s handsome and seems sweet but he works in construction/building. And I feel like an ass because I’m being very “judgey” (in my head) about it.  Then there have been a couple other nice guys but I’m really not that attracted to them.

I definitely think I’m going to need your help so I don’t pass up a guy for a BS reason OR don’t say yes because I feel guilty. Ha! It’s good to be me.

 

Thanks!

Jenny

 

My clients know how important it is to have an expert watch over and encouraging them through the dating process.  As your Naked Dating® coach, I will be with you every step of the way, reminding you of how special you are, that true love exists, and that it is yours for the taking.  I will help you spot the good guys and let the not-so-good-guys go.   When you go out on one dead-end date after another, it can be tough to stay optimistic and keep the momentum.  Who better than me to keep you going through that process?  Before I met my husband, I went on nearly 100 first dates in two years.  You heard me right: I went on nearly 100 first dates in two years.  Only two of those dates were second dates.  If anyone knows how challenging this process can be, it’s me.  But I found true love and you can too!   Let me help you!

Helping you understand what true love is and helping you keep the faith that you can find it…

This is my personal favorite reason for coaching and it’s why I became a coach.  I grew up in a very unloving and critical family.  From a very early age, I knew that something was seriously wrong with the way my parents treated each other.  They divorced when I was ten, and I became trapped in the middle of their failed marriage.  I had no way to guard against the vicious things they said to me about one another.  I was too young to understand how poisonous it is to gossip, but I knew intuitively that something was terribly wrong with what they were doing.  As a kid, all I wanted to do was love my parents.  Like I lot of people, when I grew up, I married a man who was like my father and repeated many of my parents’ mistakes.  When that ended, I vowed to figure out what real love looked like and how to find it.  I couldn’t keep repeating the same mistakes and recreating loveless relationships.

This is how Naked Dating® was born.  When I left my first husband, I spent six years doing some serious interpersonal work on myself, doing everything from traditional therapy to working with a well-known Mexican shaman, Don Miguel Ruiz.  At some point, everything I was learning about love and relationships started to make sense.  I realized that true and unconditional love started with me: that the way to attract true love was by becoming a truly loving person.  I didn’t just go out on dates and look for The One.  I focused on becoming The One.  I knew that change comes from within and that I would only attract the partner I wanted by becoming the kind of partner I wanted to attract.  This is the heart and soul of Naked Dating® and it is something I can show you how to do.

Ten years ago, I met the love of my life.   The other day my husband looked at me and said, “You know, I think we have the relationship most people are looking for.”  One thing I know for sure is that I don’t think two people could love, respect, or cherish each other more than we do.  As your coach, I can offer you the perspective of someone who has been on both sides of the equation.  I took my theories and ideas about what it takes to find love, put them to the test in my own life, and found the closet thing I can imagine to true and unconditional love.  Because I was so grateful for the love I found, I created Naked Dating® so I could help others find the love they want and deserve.  For the past ten years, I have guided others along this same path.  Perhaps you’ll be next?  I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that figuring out how to love and have a loving relationship has made the most profound difference in my life.  Waking up every day knowing that I am loved and knowing that there is someone there by my side to walk through life with me is the closet thing to peace on earth we can achieve.  Love is yours for the taking.  All you have to do is find first it inside yourself and then find another person to share it with.  Naked Dating® can show you how it’s done.

Singles Stats That May Shock You

Match.com’s annual Singles in America study reveals some pretty juicy (and surprising) facts about America’s current dating population, and some of them might shock you. These stats not only disqualify some common dating myths; they also provide some really interesting insights into what men and women look at first when they “size up” potential partners.

 

Guess what: Grammar matters.

Believe it or not, the study says that for both men and women, grammar is the SECOND biggest thing that potential partners get judged on. Think your way with words doesn’t matter as much on Facebook? Think again. Grammar comes in second only after teeth. Apparently, both sexes are suckers for a great smile. What’s the third thing that men and women judge each other on most after teeth and grammar? Hair. No matter what do you’re sporting, members of both sexes want to see you rock those locks (or lack thereof) with confidence.

 

What do men and women get judged least on?

Now here’s where it gets really interesting. The study’s stats seem to go against a lot of common perceptions that get tossed around in current dating culture. Women actually judge men least on their electronics, their accents, and the cars they drive. In fact, electronics are the last thing women seem to be looking at. So boys… those expensive toys might not impress the ladies as much as you think they will. They’ll be checking out your smile and your semantics first. And women, men judge you the least on your electronics, your cars, and wait… brace yourselves… your shoes. That’s right, only 18% of men say they judge women on their shoes. (I can only imagine what Carrie Bradshaw would have to say about that!)

 

Do height, financial stability, and virginity actually matter? Well, according to the study, 71% of women aren’t likely to date someone shorter than them; 42% of singles wouldn’t date a virgin (women seem to care more about this at a 51% majority); and 54% of singles wouldn’t date someone with credit card debt that’s greater than $5k. While these stats do seem to hold some sway among certain singles, the study shows that they aren’t real deal breakers.

 

There’s good news for long-term love

97% of singles want to please you in bed more than they want to please themselves, and older singles care just as much about sex as do singles in the younger age bracket. And ladies, listen up: Nearly half of men want to meet your parents before they commit.

 

But wait, that’s not all. Despite what might seem to be popular belief, American singles are pretty optimistic when it comes to long-term partnerships like marriage. About 65% of men (20s-30s) want to get married, and nearly 80% of men in that age group reported wanting to have kids. Guess what else: In the “want kids” category, men and women match evenly. Moreover, the study shows that men actually fall in love faster than women do. They also believe in love at first sight more frequently than women do, and they’re likelier to approve of PDA. They’re also more likely to want to introduce their partners to their friends and family sooner. See ladies, men aren’t “all insensitive jerks.” The science behind the study proves it.

 

When it’s all said and done, this study shows us that men and women alike want partners who express themselves well and who aren’t too hung up on gadgets. These stats show us that many of the things we think might be deal breakers… really aren’t. In the end, it’s all about putting your best foot forward and being the best you that you can be. And don’t forget to smile. J

Listen In This Tuesday

I will be a guest on The Healing Place Radio Show on Tuesday the 19th at 7:30 pm. You can listen online by clicking Here or call in at 347-324-3102. By pressing “1” you can speak to the host and me. The topic of discussion will be:  Loving the Skin I’m In: Am I ready for a relationship?

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Dating & Relationship Expert, Lisa Shield.  pricing & scheduling

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

The Top 5 Contradicting Dating Rules (& How to Deal With Them)

Friday, September 28, 2012

By Sarah Casimong

With dating experts giving us advice for our love lives left and right, it’s easy to find ourselves torn between competing dating rules. Should you make the first move or play hard to get? Should you reveal your true self on the first date or hold back the baggage? And are matters of the heart as black and white as some rules make them out to be? We spoke to three different dating experts for the final answers to our most confusing dating rules!

“Never settle” VS. “Don’t be too picky”

We’re always told that we should have high standards and never settle for less. We’re also told that our standards are sky-high and our definition of “the best” doesn’t exist. So which piece of advice do we follow?

“If you don’t find anyone attractive, you’re being too picky,” says Lisa Shield, a Los Angeles-based relationship coach. “There are tons of great people out there but you have to open up and let people in. One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that if they make an elaborate list of what they want in a partner, it will help them will get what they want. Usually, this can weed out too many prospects because no one can fit the entire bill.” Still, it’s important to keep your standards, especially if they concern your core values, read more

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