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Do YOU Sabotage Dates Because You’re NOT Ready for Love?

Sabotage Love?

I have no doubt that my husband, Benjamin, would NOT have been attracted to me when I first started dating 17 years ago. But the dating process helped me open my heart and get a handle on my emotions. Dating SHAPED me into the woman he fell in love with in that magic moment when we met two years and 100 first dates later.

When I started dating again, I approached it as a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. I decided to see each interaction as an OPPORTUNITY to learn to open my heart wider and become a more loving person.

When I looked at others in the dating world, I watched as their hearts and minds became less open with each disappointing date, and the road ahead of them grew NARROWER.

As I dated, I wanted the road ahead to get WIDER. I wanted to become MORE openhearted, MORE open-minded, and MORE compassionate with each date.

If a man was unkind or disappointed me in some way, rather than get angry or blame him for what happened, I told myself that he didn’t owe me anything. He was doing me a favor by making space for the RIGHT MAN to come into my life.

After a while, I stopped caring why certain men behaved the way they did. It really didn’t matter. I knew how I wanted a man to treat me, I knew he was out there, and I was willing to keep dating until I found him.

None of this was any easier for me than it is for you. I wanted a partner more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. Facing one rejection after another was terribly painful, but the more I was willing to learn from my mistakes and focus on keeping my heart and mind open, the easier it got. I can show you how to do this. Check out my online workshop to learn more.

Today, I’m ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that everything I went through when I dated prepared me for the relationship of my dreams. By using my dating experience to work through my DRAMA, I wound up attracting an AMAZING man and together we have been able to create a relationship that is EVEN BETTER than anything I could have imagined!

I watch so many singles FLOUNDER in the dating world and become increasingly angry, disappointed, and discouraged when things don’t go the way they EXPECT them to.

What this tells me is that they still have WORK to do to prepare for The One. They need to learn how to HUMBLE themselves, SURRENDER to the process, and let each date TEACH them how to open their hearts to love and be loved. Maybe this speaks to you?

There is a BIG difference between thinking you are emotionally available and ready for the relationship of your dreams and truly being ready to meet The One. When you’re REALLY ready, you WILL know.

So, here’s my question for you:

Do you truly believe YOU are emotionally ready for the kind of relationship you want?

If that person walked into your life RIGHT NOW, do you have an OPEN HEART and are your fears of trusting someone or being rejected or abandoned UNDER CONTROL?

Or, would you SABOTAGE IT by reacting and pushing the person away the moment they let you down?

Warm Regards,


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P.S.  Don’t forget to check out my Free Online Workshop!

To All the Strong Women (and Men)

Strong womenI had many TURNING POINTS in my dating. One of the most significant was when I started to look at my STRENGTH.

Like many women today, I PRIDED myself on being a “STRONG AND INDEPENDENT,” too strong for many if not MOST men.

When I was 8 years old, I saw my father CRUSH my mother’s spirit when he left her for another woman.

Five years later, when my mother was DYING of breast cancer, she tried to share as much of her WISDOM with me as possible. The one thing I remember most was when she WARNED ME: “Never let a man do to you what your father did to me.” I was only 13 at the time and I STRUGGLED to put her advice in perspective.

For many years after that, I SWORE I wouldn’t wind up like my mother—left to fend for herself with two small children.

To me, it seemed like MOST women were WEAK and insipid, and I refused to DUMB myself down or PANDER to a man. I told myself anything a man could do I could do.

Since the BIRTH CONTROL PILL had been approved the year before I was born and ABORTION was legalized by the Supreme Court in 1973, I was among the first generation of women who had FULL CONTROL over their own bodies. I felt like I was free to do whatever I wanted without apology or SHAME, including act like a man.

When I set out to date again at 39, I admitted TO MYSELF that something wasn’t working with men and me. They still didn’t find me attractive, even though I had reduced myself from a size 14 to a shapely size 8. I also had done a GREAT DEAL of inner personal work. I liked myself. I had developed a POSITIVE MINDSET. I had wonderful friends and an AWESOME Dog. I thought I was PRETTY COOL… but men weren’t buying it.

At the time, I was part of an amazing SPIRITUAL GROUP spearheaded by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of ‘The Four Agreements.’ One day, Miguel brought me in front of the group and said, “This is a WOMAN OF POWER.” He didn’t say, “This is a powerful woman.” He said, “This is a woman of power.”

Miguel’s words rang in my ear for a long time. He’s a shaman, and he sees people’s TRUE NATURE. At the time, I didn’t know what to make of what he said, but I knew it was IMPORTANT.

On another occasion, he told me privately, “You are a woman of power and you FRIGHTEN MEN.” I was stunned. I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “Thanks, Miguel. What I am supposed to do with THAT?”

I could have used his words to feed my ego, but I didn’t because the last thing I wanted to do was frighten men. I wanted them to feel SAFE and be ATTRACTED to me.

Miguel’s words led me to question many of my beliefs about who I was. I realized that being powerful meant nothing if I was allowing that power to WORK AGAINST me and PUSH men away.

I’ve come to realize that we all have SUPERPOWERS. One of mine IS strength. I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried. It’s who I am at my CORE.

But just like all those kids in the Marvel movies, the ones they send to that school run by Patrick Stewart if I didn’t learn how to harness that power and use it wisely and judiciously, I was going to keep BLOWING things up and PUSHING men away.

I knew the time had come for me to ACCEPT the fact that I am, in fact, woman. This was a HUGE SHIFT in my consciousness, it opened up a whole new world of DISCOVERY and POSSIBILITY. I was finally able to see that I wasn’t attracting the kind of man I wanted because THAT MAN would have been attracted to a WOMAN, not a man in a woman’s body.

Ironically, the more I embraced this ESSENTIAL part of myself, the more attractive I became and the more GENUINELY EMPOWERED I felt with men.

I realized that I had never wanted to be HARD on or GUARDED with them. When I was honest with myself, I admitted that all my life I had longed for a man to PROTECT and take care of me. I guess I just hadn’t been ready to let down my guard so a man could do that for me.  I was finally learning to be emotionally naked, and I can show YOU how I started this process in my free online workshop.

Of course, I can do those things for myself, but I can feel that I am most BEAUTIFUL when my GUARD is completely down and I can be that sweet, innocent little girl who never felt SAFE enough to come out and play… until now.

For so much of my life, I’d used my STRENGTH and independence as a way of staying SAFE because I really didn’t understand what it meant to be a woman OR a man.

I now know that EVERY woman and EVERY man has to find his or her NATURAL frequency. If you’re heterosexual, bisexual, transgendered or gay, you have to be willing to EMBRACE who you truly are. You can’t go against your TRUE NATURE.

I AM a woman of power, but it doesn’t serve me to use that power to frighten men.

I still don’t suffer fools lightly. I never have and I never will. Players and misogynists INSTINCTIVELY know to leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if I wear some kind of an invisible sign that reads, “Don’t even bother…”

But now, I can honestly say that I am VERY PROUD to be a woman and I know how to use my STRENGTH in a feminine way to make a man feel SAFE and like he’s my KING. Just ask my husband if you don’t believe me.

XO,

LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Asking for What You Want in a Relationship

Asking for What You Want FINAL

If You’re Too Afraid to Ask for What You Want… how will you ever get it?

Have you ever opened your heart to someone who HURT or DISAPPOINTED you but were too afraid to say something? Did you worry you might seem NEEDY or ANGRY and push the other person away? I get it. It gets easier and easier to say nothing and hope the other person senses something is WRONG and brings it up so you don’t have to.

My client, Melanie, found herself in a situation like this. She’d finally gotten the GUTS to end a 5-year relationship where she’d been JERKED AROUND by a man who was INCAPABLE of committing.

She was visiting family in New York and decided to give Bumble a whirl. Before she knew it, she’d booked TWO DATES for the same day!

Dude #1 was so hot she didn’t think there was any way Dude #2 could compare. Boy was she WRONG! As Jack strode across the restaurant in his faded jeans, cowboy boots, and beat-up leather jacket, Melanie COULDN’T BELIEVE her eyes.

She and Jack had the kind of magical, instantaneous connection everyone DREAMS OF. It wasn’t long before he was holding her hand, staring into her eyes and they felt like they were the only TWO PEOPLE in the room. Their second date was even more magical.

Mel flew home, expecting things to fizzle… but they DIDN’T. Jack texted her every day throughout the day. He told her he had spoken about her to several of his friends. They planned a 4-day ISLAND GETAWAY while she was home in January after the holidays. Really. Things could not be going better…

Or could they? Some friends remarked they thought it odd that Jack texts but NEVER CALLS. It doesn’t bother Mel, but still she ‘hinted’ a couple of times that she would love to hear his voice. He hasn’t called, and she’s TICKED OFF because she feels he isn’t listening to her. She said it doesn’t matter, but it MATTERED enough that she brought it up in our session!

This is where her resentment towards Jack began.

The next disappointment wasn’t long after. He forgot her birthday. All day long they texted back and forth, but he NEVER MENTIONED it once. When she posted something about it on Instagram, he texted her immediately. She was hurt. Badly. He had to have known. After all, they’d joked about what a coincidence it was that his mother’s birthday was the day after hers. Mel thanked him for the BIRTHDAY WISHES via text, but said she was exhausted and would reach out the next day. She knew he’d notice that her behavior was uncharacteristic.

Mel never told Jack she felt hurt because he’d forgotten her birthday, and her RESENTMENT DEEPENED.

Then, came the THIRD BLOW, the one that landed her in my office. Mel went on Bumble and saw that Jack was still active on the site. To say that she was devastated is an understatement. But, because they’d never talked about BEING EXCLUSIVE, she didn’t feel she had a right to say something.

I suggested she tell Jack she was on the site and, when she saw that he was ACTIVE, she realized that she felt uncomfortable knowing he was still seeing other people. After all, they were growing closer and she was feeling INCREASINGLY VULNERABLE.

Mel agreed that she needed to say something, but she WASN’T READY to talk about it. She said she preferred to say something when she went home in January, but that wasn’t for another month. I urged her to discuss it now before ANY DAMAGE was done, but she hemmed and hawed at my suggestion.

“Mel, here’s what’s going to happen if you don’t talk about it,” I said. “If you don’t FEEL SAFE, you’ll start to SHUT DOWN and emotionally distance yourself. He won’t know why, but he’ll sense that SOMETHING’S WRONG. Maybe he’ll bring it up, maybe he won’t. But, if you start to get passive-aggressive, you could wind up pushing him away. I’ve seen this happen too many times.”

“You’re right,” she said. “That’s already happening. Intellectually I understand that he’s done NOTHING WRONG, but I still feel hurt and angry and I’m PULLING AWAY.”

When Mel left, she said that she would book an appointment for the following week so I could help her write a text to Jack. I haven’t heard from her since, so I don’t know what happened. I hope she says something to him. At some point, if she is going to have the kind of OPEN, HONEST, loving relationship she’s looking for, she is going to have to learn how to ask for what SHE WANTS.

She just has to learn how to ask in the RIGHT WAY. She can’t LASH OUT in anger or blame. She needs to speak from love and with the intention of bringing them CLOSER TOGETHER, and she needs to make it a request, not an ultimatum. Instead of saying, “You need to STOP SEEING other women.” She needs to say, “Would you be OPEN TO not seeing other women?” It needs to open up a dialogue, instead of being a monologue.

Melanie is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and MY GUESS is that Jack will agree to her request. But if he doesn’t, he’s probably not the RIGHT GUY. And you know what? She already invested 5 YEARS in the last one. So, it would be better to find that out sooner THAN LATER.
XO,
LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Attract the Relationship of your Dreams!

I have a little secret. So, lean in close if you want to hear it.

Every single one of you can attract the relationship of your dreams. You heard me right.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU CAN ATTRACT THE RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR DREAMS!

For that to happen, there are just three things you must do.

You must:

• Be CRYSTAL CLEAR about what you want in a partner.
• Have 100% CERTAINTY that he or she is out there.
• And, have the ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE to go for it.

FIRST: You have to know EXACTLY what kind of partner you want to attract.

You can’t hold COMPETING INTENTIONS or conflicting beliefs about the partner you’re looking for. If you do, your NEGATIVE BELIEFS will always cancel out the positive ones.

If you say you want a safe, kind, loving partner but you keep CHASING THE THRILL of bad boys or bitches, no matter how badly you say you want someone who treats you lovingly and kindly, you will keep attracting the WRONG ONES.

So, pay attention to your EVERY THOUGHT and make sure they are congruent with what you TRULY WANT, not what you don’t want.

SECOND: You must believe WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that your person is out there and that you WON’T COMPROMISE until you find him or her.

Even if you’ve never been in love before.
Even if you’ve never met someone who matches all your criteria.
Even if you have never seen a relationship like the one you want.

You have to BELIEVE with every cell in your being that your person EXISTS.

Ever heard of Mel Fisher? Mel is considered the most famous treasure hunters who ever lived. Mel searched for 16 years before discovering a $400 million treasure buried in a ship that sank in the 1600’s.

During that ENTIRE TIME, people thought he was insane, but Mel never gave up HOPE. He believed with all his heart that it was out there. Even when his son and daughter-in-law died while helping him search, Mel NEVER GAVE UP hope… and neither can YOU!

Just like Mel, you are searching for a HIDDEN TREASURE, for what is arguably the most COVETED of all PRIZES: true and lasting love!

THIRD: You must have the CONFIDENCE to go for it when the right person crosses your path.

If you ask most people out in the dating world, they will tell you that they’re ready to meet The One, but they’re not. If that person came into their life RIGHT NOW, their insecurities and lack of confidence would cause them to SABOTAGE it.

In fact, most of you are probably meeting GREAT PROSPECTS all the time, but you are not drawing these people in because you aren’t READY. Not for the kind of relationship you REALLY want.

When I first started dating, I know for A FACT that my current husband would NOT have been attracted to me. I knew that the kind of man I wanted would not want to date me back then. I still had a lot of GROWING UP to do.

So, I used my dating experience to help me LEARN about men, get a grip on my emotions, and become a kinder and more loving woman.

Dating was HARD, but it was hard because I had a lot to learn. I had to work through my own insecurities so I could stop taking things so personally and have the COURAGE to go for the relationship I really wanted.

Many people don’t understand that dating is a PROCESS where you are preparing yourself in every moment for The One. Dating isn’t hard. We make it hard because we get upset when things don’t go our way. Rejection isn’t easy, but when you can learn how to STOP rejecting yourself when things don’t go your way, you will be TRULY READY to open your heart and your world to another person.

I don’t know if others feel this way, but I have the sense that my husband DIDN’T EXIST until the moment I met him. As crazy as that might sound, this thought has occurred to me many times. My imagination, my unwavering faith, and my belief in myself were what created my perfect partner out of NOTHINGNESS. The truth is that, in my reality, he didn’t exist until the moment I met him.

So, DON’T hold back. BELIEVE with all your heart that this possible, that you can DREAM your partner into existence by having clarity, conviction, and confidence.

See every dating challenge as an opportunity to prepare yourself and become even KINDER, more LOVING and more EMOTIONALLY GROUNDED, so that when this person crosses your path you will be ready to step into the relationship of YOUR DREAMS.

XO,
LISA

P.S. Don’t forget to check out my Free Online Workshop!

BAD DATING ADVICE: Won’t get you the man you want

Following Bad Dating Advice Won’t Attract the Man You Really Want

 

confused young woman posing on a white background

 

Recently, I’ve been receiving calls from several highly intelligent, attractive, and independent women who had been following some bad dating advice they’d been reading online and in some popular dating books. They told me they were afraid to initiate contact online, return texts or calls from men, or ask a guy if he wants a relationship. They’d read that such behaviors would be perceived as aggressive and chase men away. These women had been advised to “let the man be the man” and trust that he would pursue them if he was interested. (As a funny aside: I was once putting away the many bags of groceries we had gotten from Whole Foods, my husband call out from the other room: “Babe, I’d help you put the groceries away, but I’m letting you be the woman!”)

Following bad dating advice will make you feel worse!

I could see that this bad dating advice was causing these women to suppress their true emotions and making them feel more anxious and insecure. In fact, they seemed so inhibited and confused that it would be very difficult for them to relax on a date. I can’t imagine the kind of emotionally available men they want to attract being emotionally attracted to them in the state they’re in. What I find troubling is that these women had really bought into this bad dating advice and it wasn’t easy for me to convince them that it wasn’t true.

Are women being encouraged to go backwards?

So, here’s the deal: not only is much of this information antiquated, it is also wrong. The last thing women need is to be told that we should revert to acting helpless to get a man’s attention. It is ludicrous to wait for a man to call or ask us out online. If you want to contact a man, contact him. You have every right to reach out once or twice to let someone know you’re interested. If he doesn’t respond, you need to let it go and move on. No one likes to feel rejected, but men have to deal with it all the time.

Another piece of really bad dating advice is the idea that, if a woman asks a man what he’s looking for in a relationship, he will think she’s being pushy and it will scare him off. Sure, if he’s the wrong guy, he’s only after sex, or the timing is bad, it might scare him away. But if he is a mature man and he’s genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will be open to having a conversation about your relationship so he can get closer to you.

You need to let a man know you’re interested

I never applied any of this bad dating advice when I met my husband. It never even occurred to me that it would chase him away if I showed interest. In fact, after our first date, he went home and took his online dating profile down. He’s told me that that, if I had been following this kind of bad dating advice, he would have be turned off. The truth is that, if a man wants to get to know you, he will be grateful if you meet him halfway. A man wants a woman who is receptive, responsive, and appreciative of what he has to offer. This is the kind of woman a man will marry.

If you listen to bad dating advice and you play hard to get, it will make you seem like you’re unavailable and you’ll actually attract the wrong kind of men; men who are attracted to unavailable women are also unavailable—players, relationship avoidants, commitmentphobes—call them what you will… they will chase you, but they won’t want you when they get you because they really don’t want a relationship. The minute you show interest in having a relationship, they will run for the hills. Been there?

A real man knows what he wants. If he is attracted to you and wants to date you, he will want you to be available and he won’t get scared if you ask to spend more time with him. If you turn him on, he will be excited to spend more time with you. But if you play hard to get and you sit around and wait for a guy to call, he might think you aren’t interested and he will give up.

The Bad Dating Epidemic: A Cautionary Tale

I once met a happily married couple that told me that, because of some bad dating advice, their relationship almost didn’t get off the ground. She had been told not to return a man’s calls. So, when her husband originally left a message asking her out, she never phoned back. Believe it or not, this happens all the time. Months later, they ran into each other at a party. She joked with him about not getting together, and he told her that he thought she wasn’t interested because she never returned his call.

She suddenly became serious, and said, “But I didn’t want you to think I was too aggressive.”

“Huh?” he asked, looking at her like she was speaking a strange foreign language. “You thought I would think you were too aggressive because you returned my call?”

“Well, yeah. I mean men like a chase, right?” she said.

“But you would have been returning my call,” he replied, looking even more confused.

At that moment, this woman realized she had been suffering from a serious case of bad dating advice. Luckily, she got a another chance to set the record straight. Not everyone does. So watch out, bad dating advice is becoming something of an epidemic, and it could kill your chances at a relationship if you’re not careful.

If you want to attract a man who is honest and upfront, you need to be honest and upfront. If you want to date the kind of men you’re attracted to, you need to start initiating contact. If you want to find a man who communicates and isn’t afraid of emotional intimacy, you need to start having emotionally intimate conversations with men.

I am sure many of you cringed when you read that last paragraph, but I will say it again: If you want to find your guy, you need to stop following all this bad dating advice and start going for what you want. A man is either interested in getting to know you or he isn’t. Playing games will only chase the right men away!

Naked Dating and learn how to attract the love of your life!

Book a consultation with me, Lisa Shield, by clicking here:

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WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

A big issue with online dating is that people often stop communicating abruptly and for no apparent reason.  Most of my clients just figure that the other person lost interest or that they must of done something to turn the other person off, and they give up.  As hard as it is not to take this stuff personally, you can’t let it get to you.  People stop writing for all kinds of reasons, none of them having to do with you.  Maybe they lost a job, are dealing with family issues, or just got bored .  Let’s be real.  Most of us don’t finish everything we start, especially when it comes to online dating.  When pressed, the same clients who complain about how other people dropped the ball on them admit that they have emails in their inbox that they haven’t answered.

So, let’s say that you started communicating with you were really excited about, and he or she stopped writing.  What can you do.  You can blow them off and just move on which is what a lot of people do, or you can say something.  If you felt like there was potential why wouldn’t you give it a try?  I wouldn’t suggest sending a second email, but one is worth a try.  The thing is that I want  you to stop playing it so safe and take some risks.  The fun in dating is being able to play and not be perfect all the time.  What better place to practice than in emails.  You have nothing to lost on a dating site with someone you’ve never met.  So get online, go through your inbox, and start emailing all those hot men and women who fell by the wayside.

Here are two examples of email threads from clients.  Hope they give you some inspiration.  They worked because they are provocative and playful.  That kind of energy is irresistable!

WonderWoman:

Since I haven’t heard from you, I thought you might have gotten kidnapped by pygmies and might need some help planning your escape.

SuperDude:

Hey!  I was just thinking about you last week, while bound and gagged!  How are you?  Can I give you a call on Monday?

WonderWoman:

LOL!  Just the way I like my men!  😉 You can reach me after 9pm.  I want to hear the whole story!

BeachGirl97
Hi, in case you hit your head and have temporary amnesia, I thought I would remind you of the cute, funny girl you were messaging…that would be ME!
rockclimberla
OMG, I did have amnesia.  Thanks for reminding me.  Can you ever forgive me?
BeachGirl97
If you take me to a nice dinner or buy me gifts, I am sure I can forgive anything.  But you have to hurry up and ask me out.  This email has an expiration date and will self-destruct within one week.  :-)

PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

 

 

 

MY BOYFRIEND DIDN’T GIVE ME A VALENTINE

My Boyfriend Didn’t Give Me a Valentine

Dear Lisa,
My boyfriend and I met online about 6 months ago.  He’s a great guy.  In fact, everything has been going really well.   He even mentioned that we should move in together when the time is right, so I know he wants to build a relationship with me.  But then, on Valentine’s Day, I felt like we slammed into a wall going 350 miles an hour.  Lisa, he didn’t get me anything—no flowers, no gift, not even a card!  To make matters worse, a couple of the girls at work made comments like, “Aren’t you dating someone?”  And, “Where are your flowers?”  I felt so humiliated.  The thing is that we had gone to Tahoe the weekend before to “celebrate Valentine’s Day,” but we split everything, so it didn’t feel like much of a celebration to me.   Besides, I had told I had gotten him a gift and that I was excited to give it to him, so he must have known I was expecting him to get me something.  I don’t know if I can get over this.   What do I do?
Amelia

Hi Amelia,

I get why you are so disappointed.  Most women want to feel like a princess on Valentine’s Day.  Still, you cannot let one event define an entire relationship.  You have had six wonderful months with this man and you need to take that into account.   You also need to remember that everyone makes mistakes.  One day you are going to make a mistake.  You can count on it.  How you handle this situation will set a precedent for your entire relationship.  You can choose to approach things like an adult.  This would mean telling him how you felt, letting him know what you would like from him going forward, and then letting it go.  Or, you can hold a grudge and let it eat away at you.  The choice is yours.

With love,

Lisa

IS THE GOLDEN AGE OF INTERNET DATING OVER?

Is the golden age of Internet dating over?           Well…yes and no.

Here’s why I feel that Internet dating may have peaked.  When I was dating eleven years ago, online dating felt very different than it does today.  People were just getting accustomed to the idea of looking for a partner online, so there were far fewer people on the sites and they seemed much more serious and well-mannered.  We might not have gotten as many hits back then, but if someone sent you an email he usually followed through with a phone call or a date.  What’s more, people didn’t have those elaborate menageries of 20 to 30 photographs (Am I crazy or does this seem a bit excessive?) and their photos weren’t as overtly sexual.  Sometimes, when I am looking through profiles with clients today, I wonder if many of these people are aware that all they’re really promoting–and, therefore, all they will keep attracting–is sex.  When all is said and done, it seems to me that people were more considerate, discreet, and serious in the early days of online dating.

Today, the number of people online is exponentially higher so most online daters either feel overwhelmed or like kids candy store.  Some genuinely find it challenging to keep up with all the emails they receive.  Others drop one person like a hot tamale the minute someone better comes along.  It is also not uncommon for people to ask for phone numbers and never call or mention going out on a date and then never arrange one.   Another major issue is that many online daters are just looky-loos (love that word).  They go online for those free weekends, contact a bunch of people, and then drop off the site before my clients have even read their emails.   Finally, some online dating websites have been accused of leaving up profiles of people who are no longer active or producing fake profiles in order to lure customers.  All of these issues can weigh heavy on people who are genuinely trying to find a partner online.

So, does this all mean that online dating is over and done?  Not hardly!  Statistics show that people continue to meet online and in record numbers.  Match.com says that 1 in 5 relationships and 1 in 6 marriages start online today.    Also, people who meet online marry after 18 months.  Those who meet offline tend to marry after 42.5 months.  There is no question that Internet dating works or that it is here to stay. 

Even if you do not meet the love of your life online, anyone who is a serious dater needs to be on two dating sites for at least six months.  Especially if you are re-entering the dating world after many years, going online is the easiest way to get out there and start brushing up on your dating skills.  Think of Internet dating like a huge virtual singles party, one you can attend in the safety and comfort of your own home.  You can wink at people across the virtual universe and practice flirting via instant message or emails.  There are millions of people online, so if you aren’t getting the kind of responses you want, you can keep fine-tuning your approach.  You can rewrite your profile, take new pictures, and practice being lighter and funnier in your correspondence.  Once you gain some confidence online, your energy will start to shift.  You will become more open and communicative, and you will naturally start attracting more people in your day-to-day life.  Best of all, you might actually meet someone online, fall in love, and spend the rest of your lives together.  Hey, it happens all the time!

 

 

When Your Son Asks You Why He Has to Study…

I found this on facebook and it made me laugh.

Does Online Dating Work?

Does Online Dating Work?

According to an article that ran In Discovery News, it definitely does!

“In fact, the Internet has become one of the most popular places for people to meet, according to the 2010 large-scale survey How Couples Meet and Stay Together.  (Online dating) definitely works,” said Reuben J. Thomas, an assistant professor of sociology at the City University of New York, who collaborated on the survey. “We estimate that 23 percent of the couples in the U.S. who met in the two years from 2007 to 2009 met online. More people meet online now than meet through school, work, church, bars, parties, et cetera.”

“Online dating sites are all about bringing people together, and sometimes it forms this illusion that with a few clicks of the mouse you can find your soul mate,” Rutgers communications assistant professor Jennifer Gibbs said. “But really, that’s just the first step, and to get to know the person there’s a process of developing a relationship.”

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

Online dating isn’t the answer to all our dating problems.  It only gets the ball rolling by helping you connect with a wider range of other available singles.  You get to email, IM, and flirt with people all from the comfort  of your own home.  No more need to scour single’s parties, gyms, or bars to meet people.

Internet dating can seem dry and impersonal to some of you, but it is here to stay.  I wouldn’t knock it.  Almost every client I’ve had has complained about Internet dating, only to eventually meet someone online.  It takes time and energy like anything else you do in life.  Don’t expect miracles.  Don’t expect  to put your profile up and get slammed with emails, especially if you are over 45.  Unless you post overtly sexual photos, you might won’t get many emails.  This happens with a lot of my clients.  But these are the clients who eventually meet someone.

Don’t give up.  Slow and steady wins the race.  But while you are out there, don’t keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  Keep trying new things.  If you aren’t getting hits, hire a professional photographer.  If you are struggling to write your profile, hire a professional writer or have a friend come over and help you write it.  Also, practice making your emails funny and playful.  Humor is very attractive.  You don’t have to be haha funny; try being witty or silly.  What you put out is what you will attract.  If you want a someone to play and laugh with, you need to use the right bait.

As the article says, getting a date is just the beginning.  Once you meet someone, you have to know how to turn that initial connection into a relationship.  This is where the real work begins.  Many people are getting dates online but they don’t know how to create a connection on a date.  If you are struggling to get to the next level, hire a professional coach to help you.  When many of my clients come to me, they can’t get past a first date.  I show my clients all kinds of ways to connect in an emotionally intimate way with their dates and create a connection that can, and often does, turn into a lasting relationship.  I teach my clients Naked Dating.  They learn how to open their hearts and share in a vulnerable and emotionally intimate way.  Almost every single client who works with me comes back and says that the coaching isn’t just helping them with dating, it helps them improve every relationship in their lives.

If you are single and struggling to meet someone, call me today for a sample session and see what Naked Dating can do for you!  And look for my upcoming book:  Naked Dating: Finding True Love with Nothing to Hide

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

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