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BAD DATING ADVICE: Won’t get you the man you want

Following Bad Dating Advice Won’t Attract the Man You Really Want

 

confused young woman posing on a white background

 

Recently, I’ve been receiving calls from several highly intelligent, attractive, and independent women who had been following some bad dating advice they’d been reading online and in some popular dating books. They told me they were afraid to initiate contact online, return texts or calls from men, or ask a guy if he wants a relationship. They’d read that such behaviors would be perceived as aggressive and chase men away. These women had been advised to “let the man be the man” and trust that he would pursue them if he was interested. (As a funny aside: I was once putting away the many bags of groceries we had gotten from Whole Foods, my husband call out from the other room: “Babe, I’d help you put the groceries away, but I’m letting you be the woman!”)

Following bad dating advice will make you feel worse!

I could see that this bad dating advice was causing these women to suppress their true emotions and making them feel more anxious and insecure. In fact, they seemed so inhibited and confused that it would be very difficult for them to relax on a date. I can’t imagine the kind of emotionally available men they want to attract being emotionally attracted to them in the state they’re in. What I find troubling is that these women had really bought into this bad dating advice and it wasn’t easy for me to convince them that it wasn’t true.

Are women being encouraged to go backwards?

So, here’s the deal: not only is much of this information antiquated, it is also wrong. The last thing women need is to be told that we should revert to acting helpless to get a man’s attention. It is ludicrous to wait for a man to call or ask us out online. If you want to contact a man, contact him. You have every right to reach out once or twice to let someone know you’re interested. If he doesn’t respond, you need to let it go and move on. No one likes to feel rejected, but men have to deal with it all the time.

Another piece of really bad dating advice is the idea that, if a woman asks a man what he’s looking for in a relationship, he will think she’s being pushy and it will scare him off. Sure, if he’s the wrong guy, he’s only after sex, or the timing is bad, it might scare him away. But if he is a mature man and he’s genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will be open to having a conversation about your relationship so he can get closer to you.

You need to let a man know you’re interested

I never applied any of this bad dating advice when I met my husband. It never even occurred to me that it would chase him away if I showed interest. In fact, after our first date, he went home and took his online dating profile down. He’s told me that that, if I had been following this kind of bad dating advice, he would have be turned off. The truth is that, if a man wants to get to know you, he will be grateful if you meet him halfway. A man wants a woman who is receptive, responsive, and appreciative of what he has to offer. This is the kind of woman a man will marry.

If you listen to bad dating advice and you play hard to get, it will make you seem like you’re unavailable and you’ll actually attract the wrong kind of men; men who are attracted to unavailable women are also unavailable—players, relationship avoidants, commitmentphobes—call them what you will… they will chase you, but they won’t want you when they get you because they really don’t want a relationship. The minute you show interest in having a relationship, they will run for the hills. Been there?

A real man knows what he wants. If he is attracted to you and wants to date you, he will want you to be available and he won’t get scared if you ask to spend more time with him. If you turn him on, he will be excited to spend more time with you. But if you play hard to get and you sit around and wait for a guy to call, he might think you aren’t interested and he will give up.

The Bad Dating Epidemic: A Cautionary Tale

I once met a happily married couple that told me that, because of some bad dating advice, their relationship almost didn’t get off the ground. She had been told not to return a man’s calls. So, when her husband originally left a message asking her out, she never phoned back. Believe it or not, this happens all the time. Months later, they ran into each other at a party. She joked with him about not getting together, and he told her that he thought she wasn’t interested because she never returned his call.

She suddenly became serious, and said, “But I didn’t want you to think I was too aggressive.”

“Huh?” he asked, looking at her like she was speaking a strange foreign language. “You thought I would think you were too aggressive because you returned my call?”

“Well, yeah. I mean men like a chase, right?” she said.

“But you would have been returning my call,” he replied, looking even more confused.

At that moment, this woman realized she had been suffering from a serious case of bad dating advice. Luckily, she got a another chance to set the record straight. Not everyone does. So watch out, bad dating advice is becoming something of an epidemic, and it could kill your chances at a relationship if you’re not careful.

If you want to attract a man who is honest and upfront, you need to be honest and upfront. If you want to date the kind of men you’re attracted to, you need to start initiating contact. If you want to find a man who communicates and isn’t afraid of emotional intimacy, you need to start having emotionally intimate conversations with men.

I am sure many of you cringed when you read that last paragraph, but I will say it again: If you want to find your guy, you need to stop following all this bad dating advice and start going for what you want. A man is either interested in getting to know you or he isn’t. Playing games will only chase the right men away!

Naked Dating and learn how to attract the love of your life!

Book a consultation with me, Lisa Shield, by clicking here:

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WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE STOPS EMAILING

A big issue with online dating is that people often stop communicating abruptly and for no apparent reason.  Most of my clients just figure that the other person lost interest or that they must of done something to turn the other person off, and they give up.  As hard as it is not to take this stuff personally, you can’t let it get to you.  People stop writing for all kinds of reasons, none of them having to do with you.  Maybe they lost a job, are dealing with family issues, or just got bored .  Let’s be real.  Most of us don’t finish everything we start, especially when it comes to online dating.  When pressed, the same clients who complain about how other people dropped the ball on them admit that they have emails in their inbox that they haven’t answered.

So, let’s say that you started communicating with you were really excited about, and he or she stopped writing.  What can you do.  You can blow them off and just move on which is what a lot of people do, or you can say something.  If you felt like there was potential why wouldn’t you give it a try?  I wouldn’t suggest sending a second email, but one is worth a try.  The thing is that I want  you to stop playing it so safe and take some risks.  The fun in dating is being able to play and not be perfect all the time.  What better place to practice than in emails.  You have nothing to lost on a dating site with someone you’ve never met.  So get online, go through your inbox, and start emailing all those hot men and women who fell by the wayside.

Here are two examples of email threads from clients.  Hope they give you some inspiration.  They worked because they are provocative and playful.  That kind of energy is irresistable!

WonderWoman:

Since I haven’t heard from you, I thought you might have gotten kidnapped by pygmies and might need some help planning your escape.

SuperDude:

Hey!  I was just thinking about you last week, while bound and gagged!  How are you?  Can I give you a call on Monday?

WonderWoman:

LOL!  Just the way I like my men!  😉 You can reach me after 9pm.  I want to hear the whole story!

BeachGirl97
Hi, in case you hit your head and have temporary amnesia, I thought I would remind you of the cute, funny girl you were messaging…that would be ME!
rockclimberla
OMG, I did have amnesia.  Thanks for reminding me.  Can you ever forgive me?
BeachGirl97
If you take me to a nice dinner or buy me gifts, I am sure I can forgive anything.  But you have to hurry up and ask me out.  This email has an expiration date and will self-destruct within one week.  :-)

PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

 

 

 

MY BOYFRIEND DIDN’T GIVE ME A VALENTINE

My Boyfriend Didn’t Give Me a Valentine

Dear Lisa,
My boyfriend and I met online about 6 months ago.  He’s a great guy.  In fact, everything has been going really well.   He even mentioned that we should move in together when the time is right, so I know he wants to build a relationship with me.  But then, on Valentine’s Day, I felt like we slammed into a wall going 350 miles an hour.  Lisa, he didn’t get me anything—no flowers, no gift, not even a card!  To make matters worse, a couple of the girls at work made comments like, “Aren’t you dating someone?”  And, “Where are your flowers?”  I felt so humiliated.  The thing is that we had gone to Tahoe the weekend before to “celebrate Valentine’s Day,” but we split everything, so it didn’t feel like much of a celebration to me.   Besides, I had told I had gotten him a gift and that I was excited to give it to him, so he must have known I was expecting him to get me something.  I don’t know if I can get over this.   What do I do?
Amelia

Hi Amelia,

I get why you are so disappointed.  Most women want to feel like a princess on Valentine’s Day.  Still, you cannot let one event define an entire relationship.  You have had six wonderful months with this man and you need to take that into account.   You also need to remember that everyone makes mistakes.  One day you are going to make a mistake.  You can count on it.  How you handle this situation will set a precedent for your entire relationship.  You can choose to approach things like an adult.  This would mean telling him how you felt, letting him know what you would like from him going forward, and then letting it go.  Or, you can hold a grudge and let it eat away at you.  The choice is yours.

With love,

Lisa

IS THE GOLDEN AGE OF INTERNET DATING OVER?

Is the golden age of Internet dating over?           Well…yes and no.

Here’s why I feel that Internet dating may have peaked.  When I was dating eleven years ago, online dating felt very different than it does today.  People were just getting accustomed to the idea of looking for a partner online, so there were far fewer people on the sites and they seemed much more serious and well-mannered.  We might not have gotten as many hits back then, but if someone sent you an email he usually followed through with a phone call or a date.  What’s more, people didn’t have those elaborate menageries of 20 to 30 photographs (Am I crazy or does this seem a bit excessive?) and their photos weren’t as overtly sexual.  Sometimes, when I am looking through profiles with clients today, I wonder if many of these people are aware that all they’re really promoting–and, therefore, all they will keep attracting–is sex.  When all is said and done, it seems to me that people were more considerate, discreet, and serious in the early days of online dating.

Today, the number of people online is exponentially higher so most online daters either feel overwhelmed or like kids candy store.  Some genuinely find it challenging to keep up with all the emails they receive.  Others drop one person like a hot tamale the minute someone better comes along.  It is also not uncommon for people to ask for phone numbers and never call or mention going out on a date and then never arrange one.   Another major issue is that many online daters are just looky-loos (love that word).  They go online for those free weekends, contact a bunch of people, and then drop off the site before my clients have even read their emails.   Finally, some online dating websites have been accused of leaving up profiles of people who are no longer active or producing fake profiles in order to lure customers.  All of these issues can weigh heavy on people who are genuinely trying to find a partner online.

So, does this all mean that online dating is over and done?  Not hardly!  Statistics show that people continue to meet online and in record numbers.  Match.com says that 1 in 5 relationships and 1 in 6 marriages start online today.    Also, people who meet online marry after 18 months.  Those who meet offline tend to marry after 42.5 months.  There is no question that Internet dating works or that it is here to stay. 

Even if you do not meet the love of your life online, anyone who is a serious dater needs to be on two dating sites for at least six months.  Especially if you are re-entering the dating world after many years, going online is the easiest way to get out there and start brushing up on your dating skills.  Think of Internet dating like a huge virtual singles party, one you can attend in the safety and comfort of your own home.  You can wink at people across the virtual universe and practice flirting via instant message or emails.  There are millions of people online, so if you aren’t getting the kind of responses you want, you can keep fine-tuning your approach.  You can rewrite your profile, take new pictures, and practice being lighter and funnier in your correspondence.  Once you gain some confidence online, your energy will start to shift.  You will become more open and communicative, and you will naturally start attracting more people in your day-to-day life.  Best of all, you might actually meet someone online, fall in love, and spend the rest of your lives together.  Hey, it happens all the time!

 

 

When Your Son Asks You Why He Has to Study…

I found this on facebook and it made me laugh.

Does Online Dating Work?

Does Online Dating Work?

According to an article that ran In Discovery News, it definitely does!

“In fact, the Internet has become one of the most popular places for people to meet, according to the 2010 large-scale survey How Couples Meet and Stay Together.  (Online dating) definitely works,” said Reuben J. Thomas, an assistant professor of sociology at the City University of New York, who collaborated on the survey. “We estimate that 23 percent of the couples in the U.S. who met in the two years from 2007 to 2009 met online. More people meet online now than meet through school, work, church, bars, parties, et cetera.”

“Online dating sites are all about bringing people together, and sometimes it forms this illusion that with a few clicks of the mouse you can find your soul mate,” Rutgers communications assistant professor Jennifer Gibbs said. “But really, that’s just the first step, and to get to know the person there’s a process of developing a relationship.”

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

Online dating isn’t the answer to all our dating problems.  It only gets the ball rolling by helping you connect with a wider range of other available singles.  You get to email, IM, and flirt with people all from the comfort  of your own home.  No more need to scour single’s parties, gyms, or bars to meet people.

Internet dating can seem dry and impersonal to some of you, but it is here to stay.  I wouldn’t knock it.  Almost every client I’ve had has complained about Internet dating, only to eventually meet someone online.  It takes time and energy like anything else you do in life.  Don’t expect miracles.  Don’t expect  to put your profile up and get slammed with emails, especially if you are over 45.  Unless you post overtly sexual photos, you might won’t get many emails.  This happens with a lot of my clients.  But these are the clients who eventually meet someone.

Don’t give up.  Slow and steady wins the race.  But while you are out there, don’t keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  Keep trying new things.  If you aren’t getting hits, hire a professional photographer.  If you are struggling to write your profile, hire a professional writer or have a friend come over and help you write it.  Also, practice making your emails funny and playful.  Humor is very attractive.  You don’t have to be haha funny; try being witty or silly.  What you put out is what you will attract.  If you want a someone to play and laugh with, you need to use the right bait.

As the article says, getting a date is just the beginning.  Once you meet someone, you have to know how to turn that initial connection into a relationship.  This is where the real work begins.  Many people are getting dates online but they don’t know how to create a connection on a date.  If you are struggling to get to the next level, hire a professional coach to help you.  When many of my clients come to me, they can’t get past a first date.  I show my clients all kinds of ways to connect in an emotionally intimate way with their dates and create a connection that can, and often does, turn into a lasting relationship.  I teach my clients Naked Dating.  They learn how to open their hearts and share in a vulnerable and emotionally intimate way.  Almost every single client who works with me comes back and says that the coaching isn’t just helping them with dating, it helps them improve every relationship in their lives.

If you are single and struggling to meet someone, call me today for a sample session and see what Naked Dating can do for you!  And look for my upcoming book:  Naked Dating: Finding True Love with Nothing to Hide

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

THE VALUE OF NICHE INTERNET DATING SITES

In a great article that ran today in The Christian Post, author Elton Jones talks about the value of niche Internet dating sites.  He quotes me quite a bit, so please check it out!

Here’s the link:  Christian Dating Sites Growing in Popularity

Girl with laptopInternet dating is the best thing that has ever happened to dating, and niche sites make it even easier to zero in on someone who is right for you.  If you’re looking for a life partner, is is important to look for someone who shares the same foundational principals and ideals as you do.  Even if you feel that you do not relate to your religious or cultural upbringing today, things like religion and culture have an important and inescapable impact on shaping your worldview.  I can assure you that it will be much easier to navigate the unpredictable landscape of a lifelong romantic relationship with a partner who shares a similar upbringing and value system to yours.  iStock_000016861706Small

I was raised Jewish, but when I was younger, I refused to date Jewish men.  I felt that they weren’t a fit for me.  When I went online 10 years ago, I decided to date “closer to home” and see what would happen.  I joined Jdate.com and was surprised by how familiar and comfortable dating a Jewish man felt.  They were like family which was exactly what I had been looking for all my life.  I realized that by refusing to date Jewish men, I had been rejecting an important part of who I am at my core.  Even if I don’t got to temple and practice my religion in any way, it played a key role in shaping the way I see the world.

There were still certain qualities I didn’t want in a partner that I associated with being Jewish.  I wasn’t looking for someone terribly religious or who kept kosher, for example.  But I figured there had to be someone out there who was Jewish like me.  There iStock_000016114096Mediumwas!  Neither my husband nor I have set foot in a temple since we met.  We weren’t even married in one.  Still, we’re Jewish at our core.  We share a similar perspective on life that goes back generations upon generations.  We connect with our hearts and, even more importantly, we share a soul connection that cannot be put into words.

I understand that some religious and cultural backgrounds are oppressive and that there are very real reasons why some people choose to marry outside those bounds.  You have to choose what feels right for yourself but, very often, there are people within your own culture or religious background who feel the same way you do.  Try to seek them out.

I once had a client who was an Armenian punk rocker.  He didn’t think that there could possibly be someone out there who would get him.  The very first woman he went out with online, a woman he described to me as “the most beautiful woman he had ever seen,” turned out to be Armenian and she loved punk rock.  The last time I spoke to him, they were engaged to be married.

There are niche sites for everyone.  Here are just a few: ChristianMingle.com, JDate.com, WeWaited.com, DateMyPet.com, AdultFriendFinder.com, 420Dating.com, SeniorPeopleMeet.com, BabyBoomerPeopleMeet.com, VeggieConnection.com, GreenSingles.com, DemocraticSingles.com, SugarDaddie.com, IvyDate.com…  The list goes on and on and on…

A Los Angeles Dating Coach on Her High Horse

Hi!  Writing a book is hard. Really hard.  Really, really, really hard.  Okay.  You get the picture.

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Woman on a High Horse (Not Me)

That’s my excuse for not writing anything for my blog lately.  Right now, my entire creative juices are being zapped by the book.  I just flashed on some image of a super giant evil book attacking me like something from The Walking Dead and sucking out all my creative juices.  No!!!!!!! Stop!!!!!!!!!!  Not a good image at 6:29 am.

So onto the real reason why I am writing today, the reason I am on my high horse. (Actually, I didn’t even realize I had a high horse until just this morning, and now I am on it.)

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Ewwwwwwwww! Girls!

Getting to the point, can someone please explain to me when we started referring to grown women as girls?  I would love to understand who is responsible for this awful trend.  I thought we went through the Women’s Liberation Movement to get past this.  And now, suddenly, we have been set back something like 40 years.  I cringe when I am in a session and I a hear grown man in his thirties and forties saying, “I went out with the cutest girl last night.” Or, they say, “I’m communicating with a couple of really cute girls.”  Guys.  What are you, fifteen years old?  How would you like it if we started calling you boys?  (Actually, much to my chagrin, this is starting to happen, as well.)   No wonder we are having such a hard time finding mature partners and making our relationships last.  We’ve all reverted to high school.

Folks, there is nothing hot boys and girls, unless you’re thinking Lolita, and then you’re looking at anything from a year to life imprisonment, depending on the state.  (California seems to be the most lenient state with a one-year penalty.)

I have been reading “Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Set, Delay Love and Lose at Both” by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Laura Sessions Stepp.   This riviting (and frightening) expose, explores how high school and college “girls” are hooking up for casual sex as a way to have power over and stay emotionally detached from men.

In the introduction, Stepp says, “The reader will notice that I use the words ‘girl’ and ‘girls’ in this book, along with ‘young woman’ and ‘young women.’  This is because female college students, and even some women in their twenties and thirties, call themselves girls.  This practice puzzles those of us who came of age during the women’s movement and demanded that we be called women as soon as we reached eighteen, just as boys became men at that age.  But it reflects, I think, the way young women, particularly those is middle- and upper-income families, have been protected, even coddled, to the point where they think of themselves not yet as adults. “

The words we choose are a reflection of our state-of-mind.   As a dating and relationship coach, I am deeply concerned that, if men and women are calling themselves and each other boys and girls, then they are seeing themselves as children, not even teenagers.  Girls and boys are just beginning to learn responsiblity.  They don’t know how to pay bills, balance bank accounts, or manage time let alone think about things like marriage or children.  You might think it’s all semantics, but it’s not.  All you have to do is look at the divorce rates and the number of single parent families to see how well we are dealing with commitment.

Some of my clients try to justify this trend by saying that it is cute or sweet to think of ourselves as boys and girls.  It’s not.  I dated boys for most of my life and even married one.  It took me 40 years grow up and find a grown man who is not afraid of commitment and responsibility.  If I ever referred to him as a boy, even jokingly, it would be the end of our relationship.  No joke.  Does he have a “boyish” side?  Absolutely.  But he takes pride in being a man.  Wen I am with him I love that I feel like a woman.  I feel safe and secure.  And when I know that my man is committed to being there for me and protecting me, then my little girl can safely come out to play.

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