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Do YOU Sabotage Dates Because You’re NOT Ready for Love?

Sabotage Love?

I have no doubt that my husband, Benjamin, would NOT have been attracted to me when I first started dating 17 years ago. But the dating process helped me open my heart and get a handle on my emotions. Dating SHAPED me into the woman he fell in love with in that magic moment when we met two years and 100 first dates later.

When I started dating again, I approached it as a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. I decided to see each interaction as an OPPORTUNITY to learn to open my heart wider and become a more loving person.

When I looked at others in the dating world, I watched as their hearts and minds became less open with each disappointing date, and the road ahead of them grew NARROWER.

As I dated, I wanted the road ahead to get WIDER. I wanted to become MORE openhearted, MORE open-minded, and MORE compassionate with each date.

If a man was unkind or disappointed me in some way, rather than get angry or blame him for what happened, I told myself that he didn’t owe me anything. He was doing me a favor by making space for the RIGHT MAN to come into my life.

After a while, I stopped caring why certain men behaved the way they did. It really didn’t matter. I knew how I wanted a man to treat me, I knew he was out there, and I was willing to keep dating until I found him.

None of this was any easier for me than it is for you. I wanted a partner more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. Facing one rejection after another was terribly painful, but the more I was willing to learn from my mistakes and focus on keeping my heart and mind open, the easier it got. I can show you how to do this. Check out my online workshop to learn more.

Today, I’m ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that everything I went through when I dated prepared me for the relationship of my dreams. By using my dating experience to work through my DRAMA, I wound up attracting an AMAZING man and together we have been able to create a relationship that is EVEN BETTER than anything I could have imagined!

I watch so many singles FLOUNDER in the dating world and become increasingly angry, disappointed, and discouraged when things don’t go the way they EXPECT them to.

What this tells me is that they still have WORK to do to prepare for The One. They need to learn how to HUMBLE themselves, SURRENDER to the process, and let each date TEACH them how to open their hearts to love and be loved. Maybe this speaks to you?

There is a BIG difference between thinking you are emotionally available and ready for the relationship of your dreams and truly being ready to meet The One. When you’re REALLY ready, you WILL know.

So, here’s my question for you:

Do you truly believe YOU are emotionally ready for the kind of relationship you want?

If that person walked into your life RIGHT NOW, do you have an OPEN HEART and are your fears of trusting someone or being rejected or abandoned UNDER CONTROL?

Or, would you SABOTAGE IT by reacting and pushing the person away the moment they let you down?

Warm Regards,


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P.S.  Don’t forget to check out my Free Online Workshop!

To All the Strong Women (and Men)

Strong womenI had many TURNING POINTS in my dating. One of the most significant was when I started to look at my STRENGTH.

Like many women today, I PRIDED myself on being a “STRONG AND INDEPENDENT,” too strong for many if not MOST men.

When I was 8 years old, I saw my father CRUSH my mother’s spirit when he left her for another woman.

Five years later, when my mother was DYING of breast cancer, she tried to share as much of her WISDOM with me as possible. The one thing I remember most was when she WARNED ME: “Never let a man do to you what your father did to me.” I was only 13 at the time and I STRUGGLED to put her advice in perspective.

For many years after that, I SWORE I wouldn’t wind up like my mother—left to fend for herself with two small children.

To me, it seemed like MOST women were WEAK and insipid, and I refused to DUMB myself down or PANDER to a man. I told myself anything a man could do I could do.

Since the BIRTH CONTROL PILL had been approved the year before I was born and ABORTION was legalized by the Supreme Court in 1973, I was among the first generation of women who had FULL CONTROL over their own bodies. I felt like I was free to do whatever I wanted without apology or SHAME, including act like a man.

When I set out to date again at 39, I admitted TO MYSELF that something wasn’t working with men and me. They still didn’t find me attractive, even though I had reduced myself from a size 14 to a shapely size 8. I also had done a GREAT DEAL of inner personal work. I liked myself. I had developed a POSITIVE MINDSET. I had wonderful friends and an AWESOME Dog. I thought I was PRETTY COOL… but men weren’t buying it.

At the time, I was part of an amazing SPIRITUAL GROUP spearheaded by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of ‘The Four Agreements.’ One day, Miguel brought me in front of the group and said, “This is a WOMAN OF POWER.” He didn’t say, “This is a powerful woman.” He said, “This is a woman of power.”

Miguel’s words rang in my ear for a long time. He’s a shaman, and he sees people’s TRUE NATURE. At the time, I didn’t know what to make of what he said, but I knew it was IMPORTANT.

On another occasion, he told me privately, “You are a woman of power and you FRIGHTEN MEN.” I was stunned. I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “Thanks, Miguel. What I am supposed to do with THAT?”

I could have used his words to feed my ego, but I didn’t because the last thing I wanted to do was frighten men. I wanted them to feel SAFE and be ATTRACTED to me.

Miguel’s words led me to question many of my beliefs about who I was. I realized that being powerful meant nothing if I was allowing that power to WORK AGAINST me and PUSH men away.

I’ve come to realize that we all have SUPERPOWERS. One of mine IS strength. I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried. It’s who I am at my CORE.

But just like all those kids in the Marvel movies, the ones they send to that school run by Patrick Stewart if I didn’t learn how to harness that power and use it wisely and judiciously, I was going to keep BLOWING things up and PUSHING men away.

I knew the time had come for me to ACCEPT the fact that I am, in fact, woman. This was a HUGE SHIFT in my consciousness, it opened up a whole new world of DISCOVERY and POSSIBILITY. I was finally able to see that I wasn’t attracting the kind of man I wanted because THAT MAN would have been attracted to a WOMAN, not a man in a woman’s body.

Ironically, the more I embraced this ESSENTIAL part of myself, the more attractive I became and the more GENUINELY EMPOWERED I felt with men.

I realized that I had never wanted to be HARD on or GUARDED with them. When I was honest with myself, I admitted that all my life I had longed for a man to PROTECT and take care of me. I guess I just hadn’t been ready to let down my guard so a man could do that for me.  I was finally learning to be emotionally naked, and I can show YOU how I started this process in my free online workshop.

Of course, I can do those things for myself, but I can feel that I am most BEAUTIFUL when my GUARD is completely down and I can be that sweet, innocent little girl who never felt SAFE enough to come out and play… until now.

For so much of my life, I’d used my STRENGTH and independence as a way of staying SAFE because I really didn’t understand what it meant to be a woman OR a man.

I now know that EVERY woman and EVERY man has to find his or her NATURAL frequency. If you’re heterosexual, bisexual, transgendered or gay, you have to be willing to EMBRACE who you truly are. You can’t go against your TRUE NATURE.

I AM a woman of power, but it doesn’t serve me to use that power to frighten men.

I still don’t suffer fools lightly. I never have and I never will. Players and misogynists INSTINCTIVELY know to leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if I wear some kind of an invisible sign that reads, “Don’t even bother…”

But now, I can honestly say that I am VERY PROUD to be a woman and I know how to use my STRENGTH in a feminine way to make a man feel SAFE and like he’s my KING. Just ask my husband if you don’t believe me.

XO,

LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Asking for What You Want in a Relationship

Asking for What You Want FINAL

If You’re Too Afraid to Ask for What You Want… how will you ever get it?

Have you ever opened your heart to someone who HURT or DISAPPOINTED you but were too afraid to say something? Did you worry you might seem NEEDY or ANGRY and push the other person away? I get it. It gets easier and easier to say nothing and hope the other person senses something is WRONG and brings it up so you don’t have to.

My client, Melanie, found herself in a situation like this. She’d finally gotten the GUTS to end a 5-year relationship where she’d been JERKED AROUND by a man who was INCAPABLE of committing.

She was visiting family in New York and decided to give Bumble a whirl. Before she knew it, she’d booked TWO DATES for the same day!

Dude #1 was so hot she didn’t think there was any way Dude #2 could compare. Boy was she WRONG! As Jack strode across the restaurant in his faded jeans, cowboy boots, and beat-up leather jacket, Melanie COULDN’T BELIEVE her eyes.

She and Jack had the kind of magical, instantaneous connection everyone DREAMS OF. It wasn’t long before he was holding her hand, staring into her eyes and they felt like they were the only TWO PEOPLE in the room. Their second date was even more magical.

Mel flew home, expecting things to fizzle… but they DIDN’T. Jack texted her every day throughout the day. He told her he had spoken about her to several of his friends. They planned a 4-day ISLAND GETAWAY while she was home in January after the holidays. Really. Things could not be going better…

Or could they? Some friends remarked they thought it odd that Jack texts but NEVER CALLS. It doesn’t bother Mel, but still she ‘hinted’ a couple of times that she would love to hear his voice. He hasn’t called, and she’s TICKED OFF because she feels he isn’t listening to her. She said it doesn’t matter, but it MATTERED enough that she brought it up in our session!

This is where her resentment towards Jack began.

The next disappointment wasn’t long after. He forgot her birthday. All day long they texted back and forth, but he NEVER MENTIONED it once. When she posted something about it on Instagram, he texted her immediately. She was hurt. Badly. He had to have known. After all, they’d joked about what a coincidence it was that his mother’s birthday was the day after hers. Mel thanked him for the BIRTHDAY WISHES via text, but said she was exhausted and would reach out the next day. She knew he’d notice that her behavior was uncharacteristic.

Mel never told Jack she felt hurt because he’d forgotten her birthday, and her RESENTMENT DEEPENED.

Then, came the THIRD BLOW, the one that landed her in my office. Mel went on Bumble and saw that Jack was still active on the site. To say that she was devastated is an understatement. But, because they’d never talked about BEING EXCLUSIVE, she didn’t feel she had a right to say something.

I suggested she tell Jack she was on the site and, when she saw that he was ACTIVE, she realized that she felt uncomfortable knowing he was still seeing other people. After all, they were growing closer and she was feeling INCREASINGLY VULNERABLE.

Mel agreed that she needed to say something, but she WASN’T READY to talk about it. She said she preferred to say something when she went home in January, but that wasn’t for another month. I urged her to discuss it now before ANY DAMAGE was done, but she hemmed and hawed at my suggestion.

“Mel, here’s what’s going to happen if you don’t talk about it,” I said. “If you don’t FEEL SAFE, you’ll start to SHUT DOWN and emotionally distance yourself. He won’t know why, but he’ll sense that SOMETHING’S WRONG. Maybe he’ll bring it up, maybe he won’t. But, if you start to get passive-aggressive, you could wind up pushing him away. I’ve seen this happen too many times.”

“You’re right,” she said. “That’s already happening. Intellectually I understand that he’s done NOTHING WRONG, but I still feel hurt and angry and I’m PULLING AWAY.”

When Mel left, she said that she would book an appointment for the following week so I could help her write a text to Jack. I haven’t heard from her since, so I don’t know what happened. I hope she says something to him. At some point, if she is going to have the kind of OPEN, HONEST, loving relationship she’s looking for, she is going to have to learn how to ask for what SHE WANTS.

She just has to learn how to ask in the RIGHT WAY. She can’t LASH OUT in anger or blame. She needs to speak from love and with the intention of bringing them CLOSER TOGETHER, and she needs to make it a request, not an ultimatum. Instead of saying, “You need to STOP SEEING other women.” She needs to say, “Would you be OPEN TO not seeing other women?” It needs to open up a dialogue, instead of being a monologue.

Melanie is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and MY GUESS is that Jack will agree to her request. But if he doesn’t, he’s probably not the RIGHT GUY. And you know what? She already invested 5 YEARS in the last one. So, it would be better to find that out sooner THAN LATER.
XO,
LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Attract the Relationship of your Dreams!

I have a little secret. So, lean in close if you want to hear it.

Every single one of you can attract the relationship of your dreams. You heard me right.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU CAN ATTRACT THE RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR DREAMS!

For that to happen, there are just three things you must do.

You must:

• Be CRYSTAL CLEAR about what you want in a partner.
• Have 100% CERTAINTY that he or she is out there.
• And, have the ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE to go for it.

FIRST: You have to know EXACTLY what kind of partner you want to attract.

You can’t hold COMPETING INTENTIONS or conflicting beliefs about the partner you’re looking for. If you do, your NEGATIVE BELIEFS will always cancel out the positive ones.

If you say you want a safe, kind, loving partner but you keep CHASING THE THRILL of bad boys or bitches, no matter how badly you say you want someone who treats you lovingly and kindly, you will keep attracting the WRONG ONES.

So, pay attention to your EVERY THOUGHT and make sure they are congruent with what you TRULY WANT, not what you don’t want.

SECOND: You must believe WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that your person is out there and that you WON’T COMPROMISE until you find him or her.

Even if you’ve never been in love before.
Even if you’ve never met someone who matches all your criteria.
Even if you have never seen a relationship like the one you want.

You have to BELIEVE with every cell in your being that your person EXISTS.

Ever heard of Mel Fisher? Mel is considered the most famous treasure hunters who ever lived. Mel searched for 16 years before discovering a $400 million treasure buried in a ship that sank in the 1600’s.

During that ENTIRE TIME, people thought he was insane, but Mel never gave up HOPE. He believed with all his heart that it was out there. Even when his son and daughter-in-law died while helping him search, Mel NEVER GAVE UP hope… and neither can YOU!

Just like Mel, you are searching for a HIDDEN TREASURE, for what is arguably the most COVETED of all PRIZES: true and lasting love!

THIRD: You must have the CONFIDENCE to go for it when the right person crosses your path.

If you ask most people out in the dating world, they will tell you that they’re ready to meet The One, but they’re not. If that person came into their life RIGHT NOW, their insecurities and lack of confidence would cause them to SABOTAGE it.

In fact, most of you are probably meeting GREAT PROSPECTS all the time, but you are not drawing these people in because you aren’t READY. Not for the kind of relationship you REALLY want.

When I first started dating, I know for A FACT that my current husband would NOT have been attracted to me. I knew that the kind of man I wanted would not want to date me back then. I still had a lot of GROWING UP to do.

So, I used my dating experience to help me LEARN about men, get a grip on my emotions, and become a kinder and more loving woman.

Dating was HARD, but it was hard because I had a lot to learn. I had to work through my own insecurities so I could stop taking things so personally and have the COURAGE to go for the relationship I really wanted.

Many people don’t understand that dating is a PROCESS where you are preparing yourself in every moment for The One. Dating isn’t hard. We make it hard because we get upset when things don’t go our way. Rejection isn’t easy, but when you can learn how to STOP rejecting yourself when things don’t go your way, you will be TRULY READY to open your heart and your world to another person.

I don’t know if others feel this way, but I have the sense that my husband DIDN’T EXIST until the moment I met him. As crazy as that might sound, this thought has occurred to me many times. My imagination, my unwavering faith, and my belief in myself were what created my perfect partner out of NOTHINGNESS. The truth is that, in my reality, he didn’t exist until the moment I met him.

So, DON’T hold back. BELIEVE with all your heart that this possible, that you can DREAM your partner into existence by having clarity, conviction, and confidence.

See every dating challenge as an opportunity to prepare yourself and become even KINDER, more LOVING and more EMOTIONALLY GROUNDED, so that when this person crosses your path you will be ready to step into the relationship of YOUR DREAMS.

XO,
LISA

P.S. Don’t forget to check out my Free Online Workshop!

Those Who Know How to Think Need no Teachers

Those Who Know How to Think Need no Teachers

Naked Truth #1 – Meeting your soul mate could feel very different than you think

Naked Truth #1 – Meeting your soul mate could feel very different than you think

Naked Truth #1 – Meeting your soul mate could feel very different than you think

When I met my husband for the first time, he was a complete surprise—not an unexpected surprise, but a quiet one. I had arrived at the restaurant early. In fact, he had gotten lost and was at least 20 minutes late for our date. I was seated at the bar, and he walked over to me, took my hand in his, and said, “It is so nice to meet you.” The moment I lifted my gaze to meet his, I knew the meaning of the phrase, “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” I was staring into the eyes of the kindest person I had ever met. In that naked moment, he revealed himself to me and I to him. As someone who usually felt anxious on first dates, I was totally at ease.

The feeling I had that night, staring into the eyes of my future husband, took me by surprise. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. There were no fireworks or fanfare. I didn’t feel butterflies in my stomach or light as air. Truth be told, I’d felt those things before… with my ex- husband, and 12 years later, I was asking for a divorce. This was different. It was like I’d come home and I was finally where I belonged.

So many people are stuck on the idea that when they meet the person they’re meant to spend the rest of their lives with, they’ll experience this overwhelming rush of adrenaline and excitement—that weak-in-the-knees feeling they talk about in movies. And when they don’t have that experience on the first couple of dates, they’re ready to write that person off convinced that he or she isn’t “the one.” But if you talk to people who are in loving, committed relationships, they’ll often say meeting their mate didn’t feel overwhelming or like some out-of-body experience—it just felt right. They will also say they didn’t fall for their partner overnight; their feelings came on slowly, and it wasn’t until weeks or months into dating that they realized they’d met someone they could spend the rest of their lives with.

So, if there are no butterflies or fireworks on a first date, how can you possibly know whether a person has the potential to be “the one?” Here are a few suggestions:

First, you need to see if you can find a handful of qualities you really admire about your date. When I first met my husband, I could see that he was kind, accomplished, present, self-aware, and generous, among other things. He was clearly a very special person, but he was also completely different from other men I’d dated. I honestly didn’t have a clue how we would fit together as a couple. I felt like I was in unknown territory. But just because it didn’t feel familiar didn’t mean it wasn’t right… which leads me to my second suggestion:

If someone you’re dating has some admirable qualities and is not like the people you usually date, you need to give him or her a real chance. If you’re like most people, you haven’t chosen the best partners in the past, which is why you’re still dating. To find the right person, you need to get out of your own way and date people who break the mold.

Third, with each date you should feel like you are learning more about each other and growing closer. This can take some time, so pay attention and tune in to subtle shifts in your feelings. Maybe you find that you can’t stop thinking about the cute gap between her teeth or how calls his grandmother every Sunday. It can takes time to develop a real friendship with someone new… and if you really think about it, a partner is actually a best friend that you have sex with.

If you met someone new and he or she hasn’t blown you away just yet, keep in mind that dating is a journey of the heart, but a racing heart isn’t always the best indication of a good match. If you’re out in the dating world, I encourage you to let go of your wild fantasies and expectations, get out of your own way, and give people more of a chance. Who knows? Your soul mate could be hiding in plain sight, and it’s only a matter of time before that person comes into focus.

Are you struggling with dating? Book a coaching consultation and see how I can help!

Naked Truth #1 – Meeting your soul mate could feel very different than you think

A Valentine’s Story

A Valentine's Story

A Valentine’s Story

In light of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would tell you a story about a client who almost blew a chance at having real love.

Jenny Meets Sam

Jenny was a curvy, 37-year-old  blonde, never married, who longed to have children of her own. Her search for the man of her dreams was not going well. The four years she’d spent dating online had felt like an eternity and she’d netted only a couple of short relationships during that time. In our coaching sessions, Jenny regularly complained about hard it is to date in L.A., how there are no good men left, and how Internet dating was an exercise in futility. If you’re dating and seriously searching for a life partner, you can probably relate to how discouraged she felt.

Meeting Sam, an ambitious, outgoing architect, caught Jenny by surprise. At first, she thought he was a great catch. Even though he lived 45 miles away and the commute could take him an hour and a half each way, he insisted on making the drive to see her for their first three dates. She was happy that he never used the distance as an excuse to get her to let him stay over, and despite not knowing the area, she was impressed by the ingenuity he showed in planning their dates.

He Doesn’t Get It!

On the day before Valentine’s Day, Jenny called me for an emergency session. Her voice tightened as she told me how Sam hadn’t asked her out for the 14th.

“Any man should know how important Valentine’s Day is to a woman,” Jenny said, as if she were reciting a universal truth.

“I hear that you’re upset,” I replied, trying to calm her down, “but you have only been on three dates. Do you think you could be expecting a little much too soon?”

Jenny was so hurt she couldn’t hear what I said. “If you’re dating someone and it’s Valentine’s Day, you should ask her out. I want to date the kind of guy who wouldn’t leave me sitting at home alone on a holiday. I’m ending it.”

Two weeks ago, Jenny was sobbing in my chair, telling me there “are no good guys,” and now she was threatening to give a really good guy the ax over what I felt was an unfair expectation on her part. It was hard to watch her sabotage herself like this, but I knew there was nothing I could do. Jenny was convinced she was right. As she left my office, she paused at the door to tell me she was going straight home and breaking it off with Sam. She’d completely forgotten that she’d been single for six long years and that this was the first man she’d  felt really excited about in all that time.

February 14th

The following morning was Valentine’s Day. Jenny had felt exhausted from our session the previous day and never wound up contacting Sam. Now, she sat alone in her office, watching as flowers were delivered to the offices of several of her coworkers. As each colorful bouquet passed her door, Jenny felt her heart sink lower and lower. She couldn’t believe that she had to suffer through another Valentine’s Day alone. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that it was just another stupid, commercial holiday, Jenny still felt depressed. Finally, she opened her email and started furiously typing her goodbye to Sam.

“Hey, ready for lunch?” her coworker, Rosa, shouted, poking her head into Jenny’s office.

Was it that time already? Snapping her laptop shut, Jenny reached for her sweater and sulked out the door. At lunch, she updated Rosa on how things were going with Sam. Hearing how hurt Jenny was, Rosa urged her to write the email right away and get it off her mind.

As Jenny headed back to her office after lunch, the receptionist called out, “Something came for you. It’s on your desk.” She wasn’t expecting any packages. What could it be? Jenny opened the door to her office and gasped. At that same moment, Jenny’s boss, Emily, rounded the corner and blurted out, “Whoa! Who’s the big spender?” Jenny shrugged as she stared at two-dozen red and white roses.

Emily joked, “I hope they’re not from your ex!” while Jenny searched for the card.

“Don’t even joke about that!” Jenny winced, remembering how she’d nearly had to take out a restraining order on him. When she found the tiny, gold envelope tucked inside the bouquet, she pealed back the flap and read the note silently with Emily by her side.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Beautiful!

Can’t wait to see you again.

-Sam

Jenny’s mind began to race. She couldn’t believe how close she had come to sending that email and ending things. How could she have been so dumb? She’d almost ruined everything!

Happily Ever After

Two years later, Jenny and Sam got married and they now have two precious daughters. I still get a holiday card from them every year. A few months ago, Jenny and I traded emails and I teased her about how stubborn she had been and how different things might have turned out if that email had been sent. Jenny wrote back saying that she could now see that her expectations had been unreasonable and that she’d almost sabotaged the relationship. She also added that, ironically, a friend of hers had been in an almost identical situation. Jenny wrote that she’d thought of me as she was begging her friend not to be hasty and write the guy off.

And the Moral of the Story Is…

You might want a relationship more than anything, but if you’ve been single for a long time, it might also be hard to trust a loving person when you find him. Like Jenny, your fear of becoming even more disappointed could cause you to run at the first sign of disappointment. It’s important not to expect a man to follow too many rules or jump through too many hoops. You ned to stop running away and learn how get emotionally naked and express your feelings instead. It’s okay to tell a man you’re feeling hurt or disappointed. It’s all in the way you say it. If Jenny had written to Sam, the best thing she could have said would have been something like, “I know we haven’t been dating long, but I really like you and it would have so nice to have spent Valentine’s Day with you. Maybe next year?” Asking for what you want is always the best solution. If you want to find out if someone is willing to give you what you want, you need get emotionally naked and ask for it. That’s Naked Dating in a nutshell!

Click here to book a sample session and see how I can help you stop sabotaging your chances at love and find a Valentine of your own!

A Valentine's Story

Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you find the love you’re looking for.

XO,

Lisa

There’s a Big Difference Between Being too Picky and Having High Standards

There's a big difference between being too picky and having high standards

There’s a Big Difference Between Being too Picky and Having High Standards

 

He Lost Me at Marie Calendar’s

I once had a guy take me to Marie Calendar’s on a first date. It could have been a Sizzler or Chili’s or The Olive Garden. For some people this wouldn’t be a big deal, but they’re just not the kind of places I hang. It wasn’t about money; it was about originality. A cute ramen noodle shop or a hip hamburger joint would have been fine by me. Some people would think I was being shallow for rejecting a man on this one criterion alone, but there’s a big difference between being too picky and having high standards. I knew for certain that Mr. Marie Calendar’s wasn’t my guy. I’m not a chicken potpie kind of girl and I never will be!

When I told this story to a client yesterday who is dating and struggling to figure out if her own standards are too high, she was shocked. “You didn’t want to see him again just because he took you to Marie Calendar’s?” she inquired.

“Yep,” I replied, confidently.

“But don’t you think you were being too picky?” she asked. “What if he had all the other qualities you were looking for? Wasn’t it superficial to write him off just because of his choice of restaurants? I mean shouldn’t you have given him another chance?”

“No. He was a sweet guy, but it was obvious to me that our taste was very different and I knew it wouldn’t work. I feel that, on a first date, someone is trying to make a good impression and his choice of restaurants says a lot about his preferences. It shows his taste and style. The evening was pleasant and I was appreciative that he treated me to dinner, but I knew we weren’t a match.”

When you’re dating, it’s important to trust your gut, draw your lines, and stick to them. It would have been the same situation if my date had told me his idea of a great vacation was going on a Princess Cruise. I went on one once and it’s not something I ever want to do again. There are plenty of people out there who enjoy Princess Cruises: just not me.

Narrowing the field

You need to look for a partner whose values align with yours. For that to happen, you need to know what’s important to you and take a stand for it. Asking for what you want doesn’t mean you’re being too demanding, but keep in mine that each time you add another criteria to your list, it will narrow your dating field a little (or—in some cases—a lot) more.

Recently, while attending an eHarmony luncheon, Grant Langston, Vice President and head of Brand Marketing, addressed this issue. He gave the example that, if you want to date someone who doesn’t drink alcohol, it will cut your dating pool by 75%. This might seem like a lot, but if you don’t drink alcohol and you don’t want to be around it, then you need to draw that line. If you aren’t attracted to men who are bald or stocky or actors or high school grads, you don’t have to date them. Just know that each non-negotiable on your list will cut away another chunk of the pie, and you might only be left with a sliver.

It’s important to set your standards as high as you feel necessary, but if you find fault with everyone you date, then your friends are rightyou’re being “too picky.” When I was dating, I didn’t find fault with everyone. There were plenty of people I liked very much and that I was willing to date. Those relationships didn’t work out for a variety of reasons, but not because my standards were too high.

When no one is good enough

If your standards are impossibly high and no one can reach them, it might be because you’re afraid of the very thing you claim to be looking for: a serious relationship.

You might actually be looking for shortcomings and flaws in your dates as a means of protecting yourself from disappointment or rejection. If no one meets your standards, then you’ll never have to enter into a serious relationship. If you never enter into a serious relationship, you’ll never get hurt. It’s self-sabotage at its best.

There is a difference between having high standards and being too picky, and only you can answer that question for yourself. You have to gauge if you’re being discerning or if you’re being fearful. At the end of the day, you get to set the bar wherever you see fit. Just remember that you need to be true to yourself and your values and know that it might take time and patience to find the love of your life. If you have the courage to stand for what you want and keep dating, you might not just find someone who meets your expectations, but who exceeds them. I did.

Are you afraid you’ll never meet someone who meets your standards? Book a consultation and see how I can help you work through your blocks and find love.

He Lost Me at Marie Calendar's

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Slow and Stead Wins the Race

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

The other day, my client Tracy came in for a session. We had been working together for a few months. She was getting a great response online, going on lots of dates, but she hadn’t met anyone that she was excited about… until Charlie.

“Lisa, we had the most amazing date,” she exclaimed, her eyes practically rolling back in her head as she sunk into the chair. “He isn’t like other men I’ve met. He’s so sweet… and handsome… and successful… and the chemistry is OFF. THE. CHARTS.”

“Oh boy,” I thought to myself, “here we go again.”

There was no denying it: Tracy was drunk on lust, and she certainly wasn’t the first client of mine who’d taken that drink. It killed me to have to be the one to put a damper on her enthusiasm and remind her to slow down, but that’s what she was paying me for: to be the ultimate buzz kill. But seriously, I like to think of myself as the voice of reason.

So, let’s be reasonable. When you go on a first date with someone who makes your body tingle from head to toe and your brain run in endless little circles of excitement, you need to remind yourself to s l o w down, breathe, and proceed with caution. Think about this: It’s a big leap from, “Oh my God, we have so much in common and the chemistry is so intense!” to “Let’s get married, make babies, and spend the rest of our lives together.”

When I was younger, I would completely spin out when I met someone I liked. He would be all I could think about. Fourteen years ago, when I posted my profile and pictures on an online dating site for the first time, I had a little talk with myself. “Lisa,” I said, “you are done rushing into relationships. It doesn’t work. No matter how much chemistry and connection you feel with someone, you cannot truly know a man on a first date or a second date or, even, a third.” At the end of every date with someone I found attractive, I would remind myself, “Lisa’s, he’s a nice guy AND you don’t know him.”

When I met my future husband, I spent two hours staring into the kindest eyes I had ever seen. I could tell that he was someone very special and he seemed to be enamored with me, as well. Still, as I drove the few blocks from the restaurant back home to my apartment, I reminded myself, “That was one of the kindest men you’ve ever met AND you don’t know him.” I had been on dates with men who seemed wonderful in the moment, only to never hear from them again and I’d learned not to get ahead of myself.

It takes time for two people to really get to know each other, to know each other’s hopes, dreams, and fears. Most importantly, it takes time to discover the places where you both clash and draw your lines. Some people say that you don’t really start to know someone until you’ve had your first argument. I agree that the first fight is usually the turning point where most relationships start to get real. I am not a big believer in fireworks and love at first sight. In my 12 years as a dating coach I have seen almost all of these magic encounters burn out as quickly as they started.

Most people want to feel wowed when they meet their soul mate, but there are no shortcuts to creating a real love that will last. Slow and steady wins the race. I know this sounds boring, but take it from a woman who will be celebrating her twelfth wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. Think about it: if you’re really going to spend the rest of your life with someone, what’s the hurry?

 

Are you having trouble taking your time during the dating process and need some advice? Book a free consultation and see how I can help!

8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons They Ghosted You

 8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons They Ghosted You

The following article, “8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons they Ghosted You,” is from Cosmopolitan Magazine. All day long I hear from dating clients who are hurt and confused because people they were dating dropped off the face of the earth never to be seen or heard form again. No matter how you justify it, being ghosted feels awful and it is becoming increasingly common.

My approach, Naked Dating®, stresses being honest and upfront with the people you’re dating, even if it’s for a single date. The only way we can learn and grow from our dating experiences is if we are honest with each other.

Had the men in this article been able to share the truth with these women about why they didn’t want to continue seeing them, these men could have helped the women let go and move on sooner or see the things they were doing to turn these men off.

With all the different methods of electronic communication today, the men didn’t even need to talk to the women face-to face. For example, the guy who got four texts in one night from a woman he’s just met could have texted her and said: “Hey, we just met and I woke up to 4 messages from you. That’s is a little too intense and it doesn’t work for me.” You may think that not responding sends a similar message, but my guess is that this woman is really hurt and she doesn’t really know why this guy never responded to her texts. At some point we have to learn to speak up, create boundaries, and ask for what we want in a relationship. When I was dating, I was lucky to meet several men who were upfront with me about some of the things I was doing that turned them off. I am grateful to them and feel that their feedback helped me become the woman I am today.

8 Guys Reveal the Real Reasons They Ghosted You

“I know most people would say I should have just told her that I didn’t see a future, but those people aren’t thinking about how insanely confrontational that could get.”

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