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What I heard you saying is…

What I heard

In a previous post, I discussed that you want to be able to REALLY hear what your date is saying WITHOUT your inner Frenemy judging or putting its negative spin on what’s being said.

Frenemies like to do that. They like to jump in and ruin your dates by telling you all sorts of NASTY things. They do this to keep you SAFE. If you don’t like someone, then you won’t catch feelings and get HURT if they don’t like you back.

But you REALLY do want a partner, so you can’t keep finding fault with EVERYONE.

For that to happen, you need to STOP dismissing what your dates say just because you don’t agree with them. You need to stop jumping to conclusions, dig deeper and get CURIOUS about what’s being said.

Imagine that your date tells you he had to put his DOG up for adoption last year because he started traveling too much for work. If the thought of giving up your own dog is inconceivable to you, you might find yourself JUDGING your date. If, however, you were able to keep an open mind and set your judgment aside, you might ask some questions to get to a DEEPER truth.

What if he was doing this out of LOVE for his dog?

What if he wanted to find a new home where it would get CONSTANT attention and care, something he couldn’t provide at that time.

This EXACT scenario happened to a client of mine. She told me that she went on a date with a guy that she really fancied, but when he told her he put his dog up for adoption, that was the END. She had NO desire to see him again.

Because she said she liked him up to that point, I challenged her to ask him about why he put the dog up for adoption. He told her it was really HARD for HIM, but he knew it was the BEST thing for the DOG. He found the dog a really good home with kids and a yard.

So many potentially GREAT connections are lost at this point. We write someone off without getting to the truth. We make ASSUMPTIONS and then dismiss the other person out of hand without finding out their TRUTH.

A date can be a HIGHLY charged environment. It is easy for one person to say something and the other person to hear something VERY different. For this reason, you NEED to check in with your date from time to time to make sure you heard them correctly. You do this by paraphrasing what they said. “This is what I heard you say? Did I hear you correctly?”

In the STORY of the dog, you might say, “What I heard you say is that giving up your dog was really hard for you, but you thought it was best for the dog.” By checking your perception of what was said, your date will FEEL respected and might even feel inspired to share more.

You can ALSO say things like, “Let me see if I understood you correctly…” “What I gathered from what you said was…” or, “Are you saying that…”

Try these tips on your next date. When YOU check YOUR perception of what is being said, it shows that you are interested and your date will be BLOWN AWAY.

XO,

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Can casual SEX turn into LOVE?

26239298_10214246766099374_8123099800106665882_nIt doesn’t take a scientist to know that the overwhelming majority of women can’t have a hot, casual, sexual relationship with a man and NOT GET HOOKED.

Almost without fail, my female clients who say they are just going to have a casual, sexual relationship with a guy until the right one comes along, get ATTACHED and even BURNED in the end.

Women have a hormone called OXYTOCIN that causes them to bond when they have sex with a man. For that reason, sex is BOTH an emotional and a physical experience for most women. Even if they go into the hookup situation thinking they WON’T get attached, women run the risk of developing feelings for the guy they are hooking up with and hoping that he will also develop feelings for them.

I am not saying that men never connect the physical and the emotional when it comes to sex. Of course, they do. But because they are not under the influence of oxytocin, men can SEPARATE the emotional and physical more easily, allowing them to have recreational sex without getting easily attached.

To further complicate things, men and women don’t seem to UNDERSTAND each other. Women get angry with men for remaining emotionless and unattached.  Men get angry with women for developing feelings when they told their sexual partner from the START that the relationship was not going anywhere.

Many women make the mistake of thinking that, just because they can develop feelings for a man over time, a man will EVENTUALLY develop feelings for them. I am NOT saying hookups never turn into committed relationships, but most of the men I have coached in the past 15 years have told me that they know RIGHT AWAY if they have deeper feelings for a particular woman and want MORE than just sex with her.

My male clients rarely talk about falling SLOWLY in love with a woman. Men from my Facebook Group, Dating without Drama, echo this sentiment.

Many men have even told me that, if they really like a woman, they DON’T want to sleep with her right away. On my third date with my future husband, he said to me, “I really like you and I want to get to know you, and I don’t want to RUSH INTO ANYTHING, including sex.”

This was music to my ears.

Let’s be clear. There is nothing wrong with a woman having casual sex. But if you participate in it, you need to know that you run the very REAL risk of getting attached to someone you never intended to develop feelings for. Women need to tattoo this on their brains. If you engage in casual sex with men, DO NOT expect it to go anywhere. It can turn into something more, but this is the EXCEPTION rather than the rule.

Men and women are wired DIFFERENTLY. If a man tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship, you MUST believe him.  Even if he is spending every night cuddling with you, giving you gifts, and making wild, passionate love to you; if he told you he isn’t interested in a relationship, you probably won’t EVER be anything more than a hookup for him.

Do not spin it into some kind of PERSONAL CHALLENGE thinking that you will be the one to REFORM him. Do not tell yourself that his actions are showing you that he really cares about you. Do not think that this is anything more for him than what it really is: SEX FOR SEX SAKE.

If you do not want your love life to be one long string of hookups and one-night stands, HOLD OUT for someone who tells you he is looking for love and open to exploring a relationship with YOU.  Learn more about this in my Free Online Workshop!

If you have a tendency to jump into sex quickly, like before you have gone out on at least 8-10 actual dates with someone, make a vow to STOP doing that. If drinking lowers your resolve or makes you horny and leads you to do things you know you will regret, LIMIT YOURSELF to a single glass of wine when you start dating someone new or, better yet, refrain from drinking altogether.

You deserve to have it all—wild, passionate sex AND a lifelong commitment—but to have it, YOU have to be willing to raise YOUR bar and keep it there until you find a man who measures up.

XO,
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The Quick and Easy Way to Escape a Bad Date

How to politely end a bad date

Well, the holidays are over and maybe in an attempt to feel less lonely, you went on a few dates with the hope of finding someone for a LTR. But unfortunately the dates didn’t go well, and you couldn’t wait to get out of there.
 
So when you had your last bad date, how did you end it?
 
Did you get up and walk out? Or did you sit there and suffer silently, stealing GLANCES at your watch and thinking what a big waste of time it all is.
 
Unfortunately, BAD dates happen to everyone. If you’re out there dating, you’re bound to have a clunker once in awhile.
 
The NUMBER ONE complaint I hear in my Facebook groups is about how much time dating takes up. They also say that one of the BIGGEST wastes of time is feeling trapped on a date with someone they have absolutely no interest in seeing again. They don’t want to sit there leading the other person on, but they don’t know how to politely END the date.
 
Do you?
 
Your time is the most precious commodity you have. It is also the MOST precious commodity your date has. So, even though it might FEEL awkward, by ending the date sooner than later, you will be doing both of you a favor.
 
How long is an appropriate amount of time to spend on a date with someone you’re absolutely not attracted to? If you feel comfortable, end it right away, ESPECIALLY if your date has misrepresented his or her weight, height, or age in an online dating profile. Say something simple but polite, like, “Thanks for meeting me. You look VERY different from your pictures (or, from the way you described yourself in your profile) and I don’t want to waste your time or mine.”
 
If you don’t feel comfortable being this UPFRONT, then 20 or 30 minutes should be a sufficient amount of time to spend with someone before making your exit.
 
When ending the encounter, be considerate of your date’s feelings. Say something like, “It has been really nice to meet you. I don’t think we’re a MATCH and I just want to be respectful of your time. I wish you all the best and I really appreciate you coming out to meet me.”
 
Most people don’t want to seem rude, but WHEN phrased like this, your dates will admire–and even envy–your tact.
XO
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Fall in LOVE this New Year!

Heartbreak-Social-Banner----LisaShieldWhen you were a little girl, do you remember how free you felt and how you dreamed of falling in love and having a perfect relationship?

Then as you grew up, you went through a series of heartbreaking relationships that each left you feeling a little more hopeless and alone.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. We’ve all been there, and we’re in this TOGETHER!

I vividly remember going through some awful relationships in my life. But fast forward to today, and things are VERY different. However, it did take time and I had to discover the RIGHT tools to get me through.

Oh, what I would have given for a HELPING hand during those times!

That’s why, when my good friend and colleague, Rebecca Boatman, invited me to speak on her free web series, I gave a resounding “YES!!!”. I know how hard it can be to heal from bad relationships and I felt compelled to SHARE my experience, strength, and hope with YOU.

This is our hand reaching out to you because we know that YOU are worthy of YOUR dream relationship, and we want to help you find it.

I’ve kindly asked for Rebecca to save you a seat and she gave a resounding “YESSS!!!” right back at me.

Click here to grab your FREE seat!

Rebecca, the founder and CEO of The Brave Lady, has brought together an amazing team of experts (including yours truly) to discuss healing your broken heart so you can love AGAIN!

Come watch leading experts, authors, coaches, doctors, biologists, and more and find out how you can attract your dream partner!

Click here to grab your FREE seat!

This series is FILLED with golden nuggets to help you shift into a powerful life filled with love and joy. Let’s start 2018 with a BANG and make it the year you’ll never forget!

In this free series you’ll learn how to:

  • Break free from heartache so that you can love again!

  • Start dating again to attract the RIGHT guys!

  • Move through a breakup feeling empowered and confident.

  • Start attracting an abundance of men that are a match for you!

You’ll also receive 21 gifts valued at over $5,000 from all of the speakers (including myself)!

These interviews are designed specifically to be content-rich and easy-listening to make this easy, fun, and educational for YOU!

If your heart is calling you to experience the relationship of your dreams, then this event is perfect for you!

See you there!

XO,


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P.S. My talk is on January 5, 2018 and I’d love for you to be there, but be sure to watch as many of these INCREDIBLE interviews as you can (did I mention there are gifts?). You never know what’s the one nugget that will completely change your life!

Click here to grab your FREE seat!

 

How I met my husband & how YOU can too!

hsmhh-LisaShield

If you’ve been dating for any length of time, then you know the struggle is real.

It’s hard to find a great man who is emotionally available and looking for a long-term commitment that leads to marriage.

You may feel like giving up your happy ending is the only option. You may believe you’re destined to be alone for the rest of your life.

But if you want to find and marry Mr. Right, then it IS possible…I promise!

My friend Suzanne Oshima, Matchmaker & Dating Coach, is on a mission to prove that to you, and she’s inviting you to her complimentary online video series, How She Met Her Husband & How You Can Too!

It starts January 2nd, and brings together over 21 women, including myself, who are sharing our real-life love stories — including all the heartbreak and romantic challenges we overcame to get to the happy endings!

Grab your spot here:

How She Met Her Husband…
& How You Can Too!
=> Save Your Spot Here! 
Complimentary Summit

 

If you’re still looking for lasting love, then this isn’t the last chapter in your love story.

No matter where you are in your life — no matter your age, heartbreak, or how long you’ve been out there dating — you can write the next chapter, and you can make it wonderful!

When you join us for How She Met Her Husband & How You Can Too!, you’ll hear real-life love stories that prove you can find lasting love again, too!

You’ll hear:

    • Inspiring real love stories that include heartbreak, challenges, and of course, triumph, so you can see that finding love and marriage is possible, no matter where you are or what you’ve been through.

 

  • How to turn your love life around, by putting an end to negative repeating patterns that keep you in an endless loop of bad relationships.

 

    • What men really want in all stages of relationships, from dating to marriageso you can stop second guessing yourself and get into a lasting relationship with the right man.

 

  • How you can get married no matter your age… even if you’ve never been married before!
  • And much more!

Grab your spot here:

How She Met Her Husband…
& How You Can Too!
=> Save Your Spot Here! 
Complimentary Summit

In short, you’ll walk away inspired and motivated to take a new approach to dating and marriage, knowing real, lasting love IS possible — and YOU can have that happy ending, too!

Suzanne is the perfect person to host this summit, because as a Matchmaker & Dating Coach for both men and women, she’s seen firsthand the disconnect between what men want, and what women think men want.

She’s helped her own clients achieve happy ending success, and now she’s bringing together a great list of guests and experts to reveal the path to true, lasting love and marriage!

Again, you can attend this interview series at no cost! Just sign up here to attend How She Met Her Husband & How You Can Too! Starting on January 2nd:

How She Met Her Husband…
& How You Can Too!
=> Save Your Spot Here!
Complimentary Summit

 Write The Next Chapter Of Your Love Story!

To finding real love,

XO,

Why Are the People We’re Attracted to Not Attracted to Us?

Why are we attracted to people who aren't attracted to us

Why don’t the people we’re attracted to find us attractive while the people we don’t find attractive are attracted to us? This is one of the GREAT dating conundrums of all time. Luckily, there’s actually a very SIMPLE explanation.

Most often, when we feel attracted to someone, we become NERVOUS, self-conscious, or even NEEDY, and we stop being ourselves. In other words, when you want someone to like you, all of your insecurities come bubbling up to the surface and cause you to question why THEY would want to date someone like YOU.

  • “Am I PRETTY enough to date someone like him?”

  • “Am I SUCCESSFUL enough to get a woman like her?”

  • “A guy like that doesn’t need to date a woman with 2 YOUNG KIDS.”

  • “A woman that hot would want a guy with a 6-PACK.”

Try this. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a date with a friend that you like but don’t find particularly attractive. How do you feel? Indifferent? Turned off? In control?

Now imagine you’re on a date with someone who gives you butterflies in the pit of your stomach. How does THAT make you feel? Excited? At ease? Self-conscious?

Even the most confident person would find it IMPOSSIBLE to be authentic in the moment if they’re feeling self-conscious and insecure.

Do you remember the plot twist from Sex in the City, the one where Big met a woman who treated him the way he treated Carrie? It was a BRILLIANT piece of screenwriting. It was amazing to see this man who SEEMED to be the embodiment of self-confidence scrambling for the right things to say and do. He was so DESPERATE that he even called Carrie for advice!

Because it can be so SCARY to take off our masks, get Emotionally Naked, and let someone see who we truly are, many people default to using SEX as their main way of creating a connection. Over the past 15 years, I have coached many women and men who are well-versed in the art of SEDUCTION. They know how to put on an act and create a SEXUAL connection, but they don’t know how to create a deep, authentic EMOTIONAL connection on a date.

So, how do you start to become comfortable getting Emotionally Naked and connecting with the people you find attractive? My free online workshop is a great place to start.

If you’re looking for a few techniques you can use right away to feel more attractive, here are some additional tips:

1. Start to Recognize Your Fears: When you’re sitting on a date and you feel intimidated by someone, listen to what your FRENEMY (aka inner critic) is telling you. It will make comments like the ones I listed above. It doesn’t matter if your date thinks you’re overweight or not successful enough. You need to recognize that the REAL issue is that YOU believe these things about yourself.

Identifying your fears is the FIRST STEP to letting them go. Write them down. Then ask the universe for them to be RELEASED. You don’t have to know HOW this works. Sometimes declaring that you are ready to let your fears go and ASKING the universe for help is ALL you need to do. Really.

2. Tune into Your Naked Dater: If YOU listen to your Frenemy, it WILL sabotage your dating. But you have another voice inside. I call it your NAKED DATER. Your Naked Dater is the voice of your HIGHER SELF or Inner Wisdom. The more you tune into this loving, compassionate voice, the BETTER you will feel about yourself as you date.

I encourage all of my clients to give their Naked Dater a name. Mine is called Pantanjali. You can call yours Wilma, Fred, Merlin, Dumbledore, or Oprah. Whatever works for YOU. Just have FUN with it. Start listening to this loving, nurturing, positive part of yourself. You might actually like what it has to say!

Your Naked Dater will tell you:

  • “The RIGHT person will accept you EXACTLY the way you are. That’s who you want to be with.”

  • “Even if you aren’t at your optimal weight, YOU can be SEXY at any weight. It’s all about attitude.”

  • “You are a good person and I love you NO matter what.”

  • “Nobody’s perfect. When you love someone, you love the WHOLE person.”

3. Change Your Body Language: Before you meet your date, stand up STRAIGHT, pull your shoulders BACK and EXPAND the energy in your chest. This is a POWER stance. Anytime you get in your head and start to feel insecure during the date, remember a PEAK moment in your life, then sit up tall, open up the energy in your chest and SMILE.

If you want even MORE support, click here to join my private Facebook Group, Dating Without Drama,where other men and women just like you are supporting each other in their search for lasting love.

But even more importantly, if you’re TRULY ready to meet The One and you don’t want to WASTE another second spinning your wheels and trying to figure this out on your own, let’s set up a 1-hour consult and see if coaching is right for you!  There’s NO reason to spend another second agonizing over this. Dating is a journey. Let me be your guide.


XO,


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Do YOU Sabotage Dates Because You’re NOT Ready for Love?

Sabotage Love?

I have no doubt that my husband, Benjamin, would NOT have been attracted to me when I first started dating 17 years ago. But the dating process helped me open my heart and get a handle on my emotions. Dating SHAPED me into the woman he fell in love with in that magic moment when we met two years and 100 first dates later.

When I started dating again, I approached it as a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. I decided to see each interaction as an OPPORTUNITY to learn to open my heart wider and become a more loving person.

When I looked at others in the dating world, I watched as their hearts and minds became less open with each disappointing date, and the road ahead of them grew NARROWER.

As I dated, I wanted the road ahead to get WIDER. I wanted to become MORE openhearted, MORE open-minded, and MORE compassionate with each date.

If a man was unkind or disappointed me in some way, rather than get angry or blame him for what happened, I told myself that he didn’t owe me anything. He was doing me a favor by making space for the RIGHT MAN to come into my life.

After a while, I stopped caring why certain men behaved the way they did. It really didn’t matter. I knew how I wanted a man to treat me, I knew he was out there, and I was willing to keep dating until I found him.

None of this was any easier for me than it is for you. I wanted a partner more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. Facing one rejection after another was terribly painful, but the more I was willing to learn from my mistakes and focus on keeping my heart and mind open, the easier it got. I can show you how to do this. Check out my online workshop to learn more.

Today, I’m ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that everything I went through when I dated prepared me for the relationship of my dreams. By using my dating experience to work through my DRAMA, I wound up attracting an AMAZING man and together we have been able to create a relationship that is EVEN BETTER than anything I could have imagined!

I watch so many singles FLOUNDER in the dating world and become increasingly angry, disappointed, and discouraged when things don’t go the way they EXPECT them to.

What this tells me is that they still have WORK to do to prepare for The One. They need to learn how to HUMBLE themselves, SURRENDER to the process, and let each date TEACH them how to open their hearts to love and be loved. Maybe this speaks to you?

There is a BIG difference between thinking you are emotionally available and ready for the relationship of your dreams and truly being ready to meet The One. When you’re REALLY ready, you WILL know.

So, here’s my question for you:

Do you truly believe YOU are emotionally ready for the kind of relationship you want?

If that person walked into your life RIGHT NOW, do you have an OPEN HEART and are your fears of trusting someone or being rejected or abandoned UNDER CONTROL?

Or, would you SABOTAGE IT by reacting and pushing the person away the moment they let you down?

Warm Regards,


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P.S.  Don’t forget to check out my Free Online Workshop!

To All the Strong Women (and Men)

Strong womenI had many TURNING POINTS in my dating. One of the most significant was when I started to look at my STRENGTH.

Like many women today, I PRIDED myself on being a “STRONG AND INDEPENDENT,” too strong for many if not MOST men.

When I was 8 years old, I saw my father CRUSH my mother’s spirit when he left her for another woman.

Five years later, when my mother was DYING of breast cancer, she tried to share as much of her WISDOM with me as possible. The one thing I remember most was when she WARNED ME: “Never let a man do to you what your father did to me.” I was only 13 at the time and I STRUGGLED to put her advice in perspective.

For many years after that, I SWORE I wouldn’t wind up like my mother—left to fend for herself with two small children.

To me, it seemed like MOST women were WEAK and insipid, and I refused to DUMB myself down or PANDER to a man. I told myself anything a man could do I could do.

Since the BIRTH CONTROL PILL had been approved the year before I was born and ABORTION was legalized by the Supreme Court in 1973, I was among the first generation of women who had FULL CONTROL over their own bodies. I felt like I was free to do whatever I wanted without apology or SHAME, including act like a man.

When I set out to date again at 39, I admitted TO MYSELF that something wasn’t working with men and me. They still didn’t find me attractive, even though I had reduced myself from a size 14 to a shapely size 8. I also had done a GREAT DEAL of inner personal work. I liked myself. I had developed a POSITIVE MINDSET. I had wonderful friends and an AWESOME Dog. I thought I was PRETTY COOL… but men weren’t buying it.

At the time, I was part of an amazing SPIRITUAL GROUP spearheaded by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of ‘The Four Agreements.’ One day, Miguel brought me in front of the group and said, “This is a WOMAN OF POWER.” He didn’t say, “This is a powerful woman.” He said, “This is a woman of power.”

Miguel’s words rang in my ear for a long time. He’s a shaman, and he sees people’s TRUE NATURE. At the time, I didn’t know what to make of what he said, but I knew it was IMPORTANT.

On another occasion, he told me privately, “You are a woman of power and you FRIGHTEN MEN.” I was stunned. I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “Thanks, Miguel. What I am supposed to do with THAT?”

I could have used his words to feed my ego, but I didn’t because the last thing I wanted to do was frighten men. I wanted them to feel SAFE and be ATTRACTED to me.

Miguel’s words led me to question many of my beliefs about who I was. I realized that being powerful meant nothing if I was allowing that power to WORK AGAINST me and PUSH men away.

I’ve come to realize that we all have SUPERPOWERS. One of mine IS strength. I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried. It’s who I am at my CORE.

But just like all those kids in the Marvel movies, the ones they send to that school run by Patrick Stewart if I didn’t learn how to harness that power and use it wisely and judiciously, I was going to keep BLOWING things up and PUSHING men away.

I knew the time had come for me to ACCEPT the fact that I am, in fact, woman. This was a HUGE SHIFT in my consciousness, it opened up a whole new world of DISCOVERY and POSSIBILITY. I was finally able to see that I wasn’t attracting the kind of man I wanted because THAT MAN would have been attracted to a WOMAN, not a man in a woman’s body.

Ironically, the more I embraced this ESSENTIAL part of myself, the more attractive I became and the more GENUINELY EMPOWERED I felt with men.

I realized that I had never wanted to be HARD on or GUARDED with them. When I was honest with myself, I admitted that all my life I had longed for a man to PROTECT and take care of me. I guess I just hadn’t been ready to let down my guard so a man could do that for me.  I was finally learning to be emotionally naked, and I can show YOU how I started this process in my free online workshop.

Of course, I can do those things for myself, but I can feel that I am most BEAUTIFUL when my GUARD is completely down and I can be that sweet, innocent little girl who never felt SAFE enough to come out and play… until now.

For so much of my life, I’d used my STRENGTH and independence as a way of staying SAFE because I really didn’t understand what it meant to be a woman OR a man.

I now know that EVERY woman and EVERY man has to find his or her NATURAL frequency. If you’re heterosexual, bisexual, transgendered or gay, you have to be willing to EMBRACE who you truly are. You can’t go against your TRUE NATURE.

I AM a woman of power, but it doesn’t serve me to use that power to frighten men.

I still don’t suffer fools lightly. I never have and I never will. Players and misogynists INSTINCTIVELY know to leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if I wear some kind of an invisible sign that reads, “Don’t even bother…”

But now, I can honestly say that I am VERY PROUD to be a woman and I know how to use my STRENGTH in a feminine way to make a man feel SAFE and like he’s my KING. Just ask my husband if you don’t believe me.

XO,

LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Asking for What You Want in a Relationship

Asking for What You Want FINAL

If You’re Too Afraid to Ask for What You Want… how will you ever get it?

Have you ever opened your heart to someone who HURT or DISAPPOINTED you but were too afraid to say something? Did you worry you might seem NEEDY or ANGRY and push the other person away? I get it. It gets easier and easier to say nothing and hope the other person senses something is WRONG and brings it up so you don’t have to.

My client, Melanie, found herself in a situation like this. She’d finally gotten the GUTS to end a 5-year relationship where she’d been JERKED AROUND by a man who was INCAPABLE of committing.

She was visiting family in New York and decided to give Bumble a whirl. Before she knew it, she’d booked TWO DATES for the same day!

Dude #1 was so hot she didn’t think there was any way Dude #2 could compare. Boy was she WRONG! As Jack strode across the restaurant in his faded jeans, cowboy boots, and beat-up leather jacket, Melanie COULDN’T BELIEVE her eyes.

She and Jack had the kind of magical, instantaneous connection everyone DREAMS OF. It wasn’t long before he was holding her hand, staring into her eyes and they felt like they were the only TWO PEOPLE in the room. Their second date was even more magical.

Mel flew home, expecting things to fizzle… but they DIDN’T. Jack texted her every day throughout the day. He told her he had spoken about her to several of his friends. They planned a 4-day ISLAND GETAWAY while she was home in January after the holidays. Really. Things could not be going better…

Or could they? Some friends remarked they thought it odd that Jack texts but NEVER CALLS. It doesn’t bother Mel, but still she ‘hinted’ a couple of times that she would love to hear his voice. He hasn’t called, and she’s TICKED OFF because she feels he isn’t listening to her. She said it doesn’t matter, but it MATTERED enough that she brought it up in our session!

This is where her resentment towards Jack began.

The next disappointment wasn’t long after. He forgot her birthday. All day long they texted back and forth, but he NEVER MENTIONED it once. When she posted something about it on Instagram, he texted her immediately. She was hurt. Badly. He had to have known. After all, they’d joked about what a coincidence it was that his mother’s birthday was the day after hers. Mel thanked him for the BIRTHDAY WISHES via text, but said she was exhausted and would reach out the next day. She knew he’d notice that her behavior was uncharacteristic.

Mel never told Jack she felt hurt because he’d forgotten her birthday, and her RESENTMENT DEEPENED.

Then, came the THIRD BLOW, the one that landed her in my office. Mel went on Bumble and saw that Jack was still active on the site. To say that she was devastated is an understatement. But, because they’d never talked about BEING EXCLUSIVE, she didn’t feel she had a right to say something.

I suggested she tell Jack she was on the site and, when she saw that he was ACTIVE, she realized that she felt uncomfortable knowing he was still seeing other people. After all, they were growing closer and she was feeling INCREASINGLY VULNERABLE.

Mel agreed that she needed to say something, but she WASN’T READY to talk about it. She said she preferred to say something when she went home in January, but that wasn’t for another month. I urged her to discuss it now before ANY DAMAGE was done, but she hemmed and hawed at my suggestion.

“Mel, here’s what’s going to happen if you don’t talk about it,” I said. “If you don’t FEEL SAFE, you’ll start to SHUT DOWN and emotionally distance yourself. He won’t know why, but he’ll sense that SOMETHING’S WRONG. Maybe he’ll bring it up, maybe he won’t. But, if you start to get passive-aggressive, you could wind up pushing him away. I’ve seen this happen too many times.”

“You’re right,” she said. “That’s already happening. Intellectually I understand that he’s done NOTHING WRONG, but I still feel hurt and angry and I’m PULLING AWAY.”

When Mel left, she said that she would book an appointment for the following week so I could help her write a text to Jack. I haven’t heard from her since, so I don’t know what happened. I hope she says something to him. At some point, if she is going to have the kind of OPEN, HONEST, loving relationship she’s looking for, she is going to have to learn how to ask for what SHE WANTS.

She just has to learn how to ask in the RIGHT WAY. She can’t LASH OUT in anger or blame. She needs to speak from love and with the intention of bringing them CLOSER TOGETHER, and she needs to make it a request, not an ultimatum. Instead of saying, “You need to STOP SEEING other women.” She needs to say, “Would you be OPEN TO not seeing other women?” It needs to open up a dialogue, instead of being a monologue.

Melanie is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and MY GUESS is that Jack will agree to her request. But if he doesn’t, he’s probably not the RIGHT GUY. And you know what? She already invested 5 YEARS in the last one. So, it would be better to find that out sooner THAN LATER.
XO,
LISA

P.S. For more dating insights, check out my Free Online Workshop!

Attract the Relationship of your Dreams!

I have a little secret. So, lean in close if you want to hear it.

Every single one of you can attract the relationship of your dreams. You heard me right.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU CAN ATTRACT THE RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR DREAMS!

For that to happen, there are just three things you must do.

You must:

• Be CRYSTAL CLEAR about what you want in a partner.
• Have 100% CERTAINTY that he or she is out there.
• And, have the ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE to go for it.

FIRST: You have to know EXACTLY what kind of partner you want to attract.

You can’t hold COMPETING INTENTIONS or conflicting beliefs about the partner you’re looking for. If you do, your NEGATIVE BELIEFS will always cancel out the positive ones.

If you say you want a safe, kind, loving partner but you keep CHASING THE THRILL of bad boys or bitches, no matter how badly you say you want someone who treats you lovingly and kindly, you will keep attracting the WRONG ONES.

So, pay attention to your EVERY THOUGHT and make sure they are congruent with what you TRULY WANT, not what you don’t want.

SECOND: You must believe WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that your person is out there and that you WON’T COMPROMISE until you find him or her.

Even if you’ve never been in love before.
Even if you’ve never met someone who matches all your criteria.
Even if you have never seen a relationship like the one you want.

You have to BELIEVE with every cell in your being that your person EXISTS.

Ever heard of Mel Fisher? Mel is considered the most famous treasure hunters who ever lived. Mel searched for 16 years before discovering a $400 million treasure buried in a ship that sank in the 1600’s.

During that ENTIRE TIME, people thought he was insane, but Mel never gave up HOPE. He believed with all his heart that it was out there. Even when his son and daughter-in-law died while helping him search, Mel NEVER GAVE UP hope… and neither can YOU!

Just like Mel, you are searching for a HIDDEN TREASURE, for what is arguably the most COVETED of all PRIZES: true and lasting love!

THIRD: You must have the CONFIDENCE to go for it when the right person crosses your path.

If you ask most people out in the dating world, they will tell you that they’re ready to meet The One, but they’re not. If that person came into their life RIGHT NOW, their insecurities and lack of confidence would cause them to SABOTAGE it.

In fact, most of you are probably meeting GREAT PROSPECTS all the time, but you are not drawing these people in because you aren’t READY. Not for the kind of relationship you REALLY want.

When I first started dating, I know for A FACT that my current husband would NOT have been attracted to me. I knew that the kind of man I wanted would not want to date me back then. I still had a lot of GROWING UP to do.

So, I used my dating experience to help me LEARN about men, get a grip on my emotions, and become a kinder and more loving woman.

Dating was HARD, but it was hard because I had a lot to learn. I had to work through my own insecurities so I could stop taking things so personally and have the COURAGE to go for the relationship I really wanted.

Many people don’t understand that dating is a PROCESS where you are preparing yourself in every moment for The One. Dating isn’t hard. We make it hard because we get upset when things don’t go our way. Rejection isn’t easy, but when you can learn how to STOP rejecting yourself when things don’t go your way, you will be TRULY READY to open your heart and your world to another person.

I don’t know if others feel this way, but I have the sense that my husband DIDN’T EXIST until the moment I met him. As crazy as that might sound, this thought has occurred to me many times. My imagination, my unwavering faith, and my belief in myself were what created my perfect partner out of NOTHINGNESS. The truth is that, in my reality, he didn’t exist until the moment I met him.

So, DON’T hold back. BELIEVE with all your heart that this possible, that you can DREAM your partner into existence by having clarity, conviction, and confidence.

See every dating challenge as an opportunity to prepare yourself and become even KINDER, more LOVING and more EMOTIONALLY GROUNDED, so that when this person crosses your path you will be ready to step into the relationship of YOUR DREAMS.

XO,
LISA

P.S. Don’t forget to check out my Free Online Workshop!

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