Dear Lisa,

My boyfriend and I met online about 6 months ago.  He’s a great guy.  In fact, everything has been going really well.   He even mentioned that we should move in together when the time is right, so I know he wants to build a relationship with me.  But then, on Valentine’s Day, I felt like we slammed into a wall going 350 miles an hour.  Lisa, he didn’t get me anything—no flowers, no gift, not even a card!  To make matters worse, a couple of the girls at work made comments like, “Aren’t you dating someone?”  And, “Where are your flowers?”  I felt so humiliated.  The thing is that we had gone to Tahoe the weekend before to “celebrate Valentine’s Day,” but we split everything, so it didn’t feel like much of a celebration to me.   Besides, I had told I had gotten him a gift and that I was excited to give it to him, so he must have known I was expecting him to get me something.  I don’t know if I can get over this.   What do I do?

Amelia

Hi Amelia,

I get why you are so disappointed.  Most women want to feel like a princess on Valentine’s Day.  Still, you cannot let one event define an entire relationship.  You have had six wonderful months with this man and you need to take that into account.   You also need to remember that everyone makes mistakes.  One day you are going to make a mistake.  You can count on it.  How you handle this situation will set a precedent for your entire relationship.  You can choose to approach things like an adult.  This would mean telling him how you felt, letting him know what you would like from him going forward, and then letting it go.  Or, you can hold a grudge and let it eat away at you.  The choice is yours.

With love,

Lisa

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Here’s why I feel that Internet dating may have peaked.  When I was dating eleven years ago, online dating felt very different than it does today.  People were just getting accustomed to the idea of looking for a partner online, so there were far fewer people on the sites and they seemed much more serious and well-mannered.  We might not have gotten as many hits back then, but if someone sent you an email he usually followed through with a phone call or a date.  What’s more, people didn’t have those elaborate menageries of 20 to 30 photographs (Am I crazy or does this seem a bit excessive?) and their photos weren’t as overtly sexual.  Sometimes, when I am looking through profiles with clients today, I wonder if many of these people are aware that all they’re really promoting–and, therefore, all they will keep attracting–is sex.  When all is said and done, it seems to me that people were more considerate, discreet, and serious in the early days of online dating.

Today, the number of people online is exponentially higher so most online daters either feel overwhelmed or like kids candy store.  Some genuinely find it challenging to keep up with all the emails they receive.  Others drop one person like a hot tamale the minute someone better comes along.  It is also not uncommon for people to ask for phone numbers and never call or mention going out on a date and then never arrange one.   Another major issue is that many online daters are just looky-loos (love that word).  They go online for those free weekends, contact a bunch of people, and then drop off the site before my clients have even read their emails.   Finally, some online dating websites have been accused of leaving up profiles of people who are no longer active or producing fake profiles in order to lure customers.  All of these issues can weigh heavy on people who are genuinely trying to find a partner online.

So, does this all mean that online dating is over and done?  Not hardly!  Statistics show that people continue to meet online and in record numbers.  Match.com says that 1 in 5 relationships and 1 in 6 marriages start online today.    Also, people who meet online marry after 18 months.  Those who meet offline tend to marry after 42.5 months.  There is no question that Internet dating works or that it is here to stay. 

Even if you do not meet the love of your life online, anyone who is a serious dater needs to be on two dating sites for at least six months.  Especially if you are re-entering the dating world after many years, going online is the easiest way to get out there and start brushing up on your dating skills.  Think of Internet dating like a huge virtual singles party, one you can attend in the safety and comfort of your own home.  You can wink at people across the virtual universe and practice flirting via instant message or emails.  There are millions of people online, so if you aren’t getting the kind of responses you want, you can keep fine-tuning your approach.  You can rewrite your profile, take new pictures, and practice being lighter and funnier in your correspondence.  Once you gain some confidence online, your energy will start to shift.  You will become more open and communicative, and you will naturally start attracting more people in your day-to-day life.  Best of all, you might actually meet someone online, fall in love, and spend the rest of your lives together.  Hey, it happens all the time!

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I am always looking for role models, but they’re not always so easy to find.  Without a doubt, my greatest role model and teacher is my husband.  To me, he is endlessly inspiring and entertaining.  I also look up to my great aunt, Ruth.  I admire her unique combination of honesty –she’s a real straight shooter—and genuine vulnerability.  She’s one those women who knows how to make men fall in love with her at any age.  (FYI, Aunt Ruth is 83-years young!)  There are others, but this is not the time or place to list them.  Right now, I just want to talk about my latest and greatest hero, Lillian Rubin.

Lillian and I have never met.  I discovered her a couple months ago while doing research for my book, Naked Dating.  Her book, “Intimate Strangers,” blew me away.  It is the best book I’ve ever read on men and women and the struggle for intimacy.  As a dating and relationship coach, I’ve read many books on the subject, but never one that was as insightful and easy to understand.  I highly recommend it.

Remarkably, Rubin started her career as a psychologist and sociologist when she was fifty.  Over the past 35-years, she has written 12 books.  Rubin’s most recent book, “60 on up: The Truth About Aging in America,” looks at the issue of aging in the US of A.  Below is a fabulous interview with Rubin.  If this is what 84 looks and sounds like…sign me up!  Lillian, you are a true inspiration!

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According to an article that ran In Discovery News, it definitely does!

“In fact, the Internet has become one of the most popular places for people to meet, according to the 2010 large-scale survey How Couples Meet and Stay Together.  (Online dating) definitely works,” said Reuben J. Thomas, an assistant professor of sociology at the City University of New York, who collaborated on the survey. “We estimate that 23 percent of the couples in the U.S. who met in the two years from 2007 to 2009 met online. More people meet online now than meet through school, work, church, bars, parties, et cetera.”

“Online dating sites are all about bringing people together, and sometimes it forms this illusion that with a few clicks of the mouse you can find your soul mate,” Rutgers communications assistant professor Jennifer Gibbs said. “But really, that’s just the first step, and to get to know the person there’s a process of developing a relationship.”

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

Online dating isn’t the answer to all our dating problems.  It only gets the ball rolling by helping you connect with a wider range of other available singles.  You get to email, IM, and flirt with people all from the comfort  of your own home.  No more need to scour single’s parties, gyms, or bars to meet people.

Internet dating can seem dry and impersonal to some of you, but it is here to stay.  I wouldn’t knock it.  Almost every client I’ve had has complained about Internet dating, only to eventually meet someone online.  It takes time and energy like anything else you do in life.  Don’t expect miracles.  Don’t expect  to put your profile up and get slammed with emails, especially if you are over 45.  Unless you post overtly sexual photos, you might won’t get many emails.  This happens with a lot of my clients.  But these are the clients who eventually meet someone.

Don’t give up.  Slow and steady wins the race.  But while you are out there, don’t keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  Keep trying new things.  If you aren’t getting hits, hire a professional photographer.  If you are struggling to write your profile, hire a professional writer or have a friend come over and help you write it.  Also, practice making your emails funny and playful.  Humor is very attractive.  You don’t have to be haha funny; try being witty or silly.  What you put out is what you will attract.  If you want a someone to play and laugh with, you need to use the right bait.

As the article says, getting a date is just the beginning.  Once you meet someone, you have to know how to turn that initial connection into a relationship.  This is where the real work begins.  Many people are getting dates online but they don’t know how to create a connection on a date.  If you are struggling to get to the next level, hire a professional coach to help you.  When many of my clients come to me, they can’t get past a first date.  I show my clients all kinds of ways to connect in an emotionally intimate way with their dates and create a connection that can, and often does, turn into a lasting relationship.  I teach my clients Naked Dating.  They learn how to open their hearts and share in a vulnerable and emotionally intimate way.  Almost every single client who works with me comes back and says that the coaching isn’t just helping them with dating, it helps them improve every relationship in their lives.

If you are single and struggling to meet someone, call me today for a sample session and see what Naked Dating can do for you!  And look for my upcoming book:  Naked Dating: Finding True Love with Nothing to Hide

Click here to read the entire article:  Does Online Dating Work

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Why they’re important and

how to keep ‘em short

While more and more people are resorting to emails, instant messages, and texts to set up dates, it is a big mistake not to talk to someone on the phone once before you meet.  You might think this is obvious, but it’s not.  You would be shocked at the number of people who simply don’t talk on the phone these days.  Why is a phone call so important?  For one thing, we can’t edit our thoughts as easily on the when we are speaking as we can in an email or text.  You can also learn to tell a lot about a person’s state of mind just from the tone and speed of their voice.  It’s not as easy as we think to hide our fear, negativity, or anxiety when we speak.  In the longrun, you will save yourself time and energy by screening people on the phone prior to meeting for a date, and you won’t burn out on dating as easily.

That said, you want to keep the conversation short.  In fact, you don’t need to sit on the phone chatting for long periods with someone you haven’t met.  A 5-15 minute conversation is sufficient to introduce yourself, exchange a few pleasantries, and set a date.  My husband and I had one short email exchange and a 5-minute phone call before we met.  Use an egg timer if you have a tendency to talk too long.  When the time is up, don’t just cut the other person off and say, “I have to go.”  This can seem abrupt.  Remember, in dating-related situations, people can feel way more sensitive than usual.  Here are a few guidelines for good phone etiquette:

1.  If you need to interrupt someone who is going on and on say:

“May I pause you for a moment?”

2.  Then say:

“Thank you for your time.  Unfortunately, I have to run.”

3.  Whether you are male or female, if you enjoyed the interaction, you can say:

“I really enjoyed talking to you and would love to continue our conversation.  Perhaps we

could do this over coffee or a drink.”  If the other person agrees, set a date on the spot.  Say:  ”Would you like to set a date now?”

4.  If you decide you don’t want to go on a date with this person, you can do one of two things:

Option 1:  If you are feeling like a very bold Naked Dater, you could say: “Thanks for your

time.  Unfortunately, I don’t think we’re a match.  I wish you the best in your search.”

Option 2:  If that feels uncomfortable, you can take a gentler route and say: “We might be

able to pick this up at another time.”  (Note the use of the word “might.”)  Then, when you

get off the phone you can send an email and say:  ”I enjoyed talking to you but I don’t think we’re a match.  Good luck in your search.”

Thanks for reading!  Go forth and date naked!

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1. To find a life partner.
2. To learn how to be vulnerable.
3. To expand your capacity to give and receive love.
4. To have fun.
5. To meet new people.
6. To get out and explore your city.
7. To practice being more forgiving.
8. To find the best possible partner.
9. To learn how to speak up for yourself.
10. To practice setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
11. To stop listening Imaginary Frenemy and all the other critical voices.
12. To face your fears.
13. To practice speaking your truth without making the other person wrong.
14. To practice being playful and at ease with people you find attractive.
15. To decide what you do and do not want in a partner.
16. To get to know yourself better.
17. To learn to take responsibility for your actions and choices.
18. To become more attractive.
19. To practice being in the moment.
20. To better trust others and yourself.
21. To practice letting go of control.
22. To practice letting go of judgments.
23. To practice being kind and loving, no matter how others behave.
24. To practice trusting your own instincts.
25. To learn how to reject others and be rejected.
26. To learn how and when to walk away.
27. To learn how to be disappointed and still keep going toward your dream.
28. To practice being more spontaneous and open to change.
29. To practice listening to understand rather than to be understood.
30. To heal old wounds and let go of habitual patterns.
31. To learn to love and be loved.

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In her last coaching session with me, my client, Alexis, asked me if I knew which of the exercises I had given her to do over the years had made the biggest difference in her life.  I could think of many assignments I had given her, but none stood out.  “It was when you told me to start writing gratitude lists,” she said.  “I realized that I had a horrible habit of complaining and saying that nothing was ever good enough for me.  When I started writing those lists, it helped me see how many little and big things I take for granted in life.  I realized how fortunate I am and started to become more positive and grateful.  My fiancé actually told me the other day that two of the qualities he finds most attractive about me are that I have such a positive outlook on life and am always appreciative of the things he does for me.”

One of the simplest ways to begin to appreciate who you are and what you have to offer a partner is to start making gratitude lists.  Each day for the next 30 days write a list of 30 different things you’re grateful for.  You cannot repeat anything on the lists.  You can say, “My friend, Tiffany” on one day and “Going shopping with Tiffany” another.  You can include something as deep as “I have loving parents” or as simple as “I love the new color of my toenail polish.”  If you cannot come up with 30 things each day, write as many as you can.

My Gratitude List for Today

I am grateful for/that…

1. My husband, Benjamin, who is the finest man I have ever known
2. My two adorable dogs, Cosmo and Milo
3. My dear friend, Peggy, who agreed on a sort of a whim, to help me finish my book, Naked Dating, and opened up her heart and her life to me
4. Ted, Peggy’s husband, who has been so wonderful in allowing me and Naked Dating to invade his life
5. The acupuncture is working and Cosmo can walk again
6. I work in a career I love
7. The little cabin I have rented in Guerneville and the time I have spent there writing my book, Naked Dating
8. All my clients
9. My beautiful home
10. My wedding ring and the diamond “love” pendant my husband gave to me
11. The 13 in. MacBook Air that fits in my purse
12. Second chances
13. My friends
14. Having found true love
15. Turning my life around
16. Colors
17. All the trips I took with my grandmother to Mexico as a kid
18. My Aunt Ruth and Uncle Sid who are the mother and father I never had
19. Mechanical pencils
20. All the teachers I’ve had along the way
21. The Shins
22.  Sitting in the hot tub in Guerneville staring up at the towering redwood trees
23. My beautiful office in my home where I spend most of my time
24. Fall
25. Who I am today
26. Anthropologie
27. Online shopping
28. The Internet and my website
29. Creating my dream
30. Popcorn with real butter

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