Archives

February, 2016

The Rules are for Fools


Mimi9
The Rules are for Fools

In my grandmother’s era, there were lots of “rules” about dating. Her brother, my Great Uncle Sid, loves to tell the story of the first time a certain gentleman called to ask her out. Uncle Sid said that this man was handsomer than Gregory Peck and equally as charming. All the young women at the Jewish Community Center in St. Louis, MO had their eye on him, but he only had eyes for my granny.

One Thursday evening, the gentleman in question gave my grandmother a call. They chatted easily and effortlessly for a few minutes, but when she hung up the hallway phone, she collapsed in the corner and burst into tears. The family came running to see what happened. “Helen, darling,” my great grandmother said, crouching down to wipe her daughter’s tear-stained face with the hem of her apron. “Tell us what’s wrong!”

“Al Gelfand asked me on a date… b-b-but,” she replied, choking on her words, “I told him No.” My poor grandmother. Prince Charming had just asked her out and she turned him down. But why!?

“What are you talking about, Helen?” my uncle Sid said, questioning his older sister. “All you’ve been doing is blabbering about Al Gelfand for months, and now he calls, asks you on a date, and you say no?” He cocked his head to one side and raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

“You dont understand,” my grandmother lectured. “It’s Thursday and he asked me out for tomorrow night. No self-respecting girl would ever accept such an invitation! He needs to give me some advance notice. Doesn’t he think I have a social life?”

“But this morning you told me you didn’t have any plans tomorrow,” my uncle retorted.

My grandma eyed her little brother curiously. “That’s not the point,” she said, feigning an air of superiority. “Albert Gelfand needs to know that I’m in high demand and that I’m not just sitting here waiting for the likes of him to call.” She managed to remain calm for a few seconds, and then erupted into another crying fit. “Oh no!” she sobbed despairingly. “What have I done? What if he never asks me out again?”

The good news is that Al Gelfand was no slouch. He didn’t give up easily. And being the smart cookie that she was, my grandmother probably gave him a little hint before turning him down, as well. I’m sure she said something like: “I’d love to go out with you, Al, but my weekends do fill up rather quickly.” The dapper Mr. Gelfand took my grandmother’s advice to heart. The next time he called to ask her out, my future grandfather gave my grandmother plenty of notice.

In my grandmother’s day, women really had only one path in life: to become wives and mothers. My grandmother’s entire agenda was to bag a great man and, to do that, she had to use her womanly charms to lure him in. But now it’s 2016! We’ve fought long and hard for equal rights, and we have so many more opportunities available to us than just getting married. Still, when it comes to dating, many women feel the need to follow the same antiquated rules my grandma Helen did all those years ago. From never making the first move to not accepting a date without three-days advance notice, I’m shocked to see how many of my female clients still date like it’s 1936. Many women are still convinced that they have no choice but to continue playing silly games to meet a guy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there. Some of my female clients feel they need to downplay their success or accomplishments for fear of overshadowing a man. How can we have come so far in so many ways, only to feel that we still have to hide who we are? Case in point: a few months ago, my client, Maggy, told me that she was afraid of what would happen when Marco, the guy she was dating, found out that she owns three investment properties. Marco wasn’t doing as well as she was in his career and she was scared he would be intimidated by her success. Maggy is turning something that should be a blessing and make her more viable as a partner into a curse. Ironically, if she keeps downplaying her success, she will continue to attract insecure men. The right man wouldn’t be threatened by her success, he would feel proud to be with her.

Women today are not like my grandmother. We have careers, mortgages, and bank accounts of our own, and most of us don’t need a man to take care of us. It’s time to stop playing games, embrace our accomplishments, and look for men who are our equals. If you’re out in the dating world and you want to attract a good man, don’t play by my grandmother’s rules—in fact, don’t play by anyone’s rules. The real way to win the heart of the right man isn’t by avoiding his calls or downplaying your success; it’s by showing up authentically and opening up your heart so he can see the real you. Your soul mate can’t find you if you’re hiding behind a mask or playing by rules that were created in a different day and time. If my grandma Helen was around today, she wouldn’t kowtow to any man. She would be running the show and she’d have all the men chasing after her!

Do you want to learn how to get “naked” and show up authentically on dates? Book a consultation with me and see how I can help!

The Rules are for Fools

2016 Sexy Life summit

2016 Sexy Life Summit

2016 Sexy Life Summit

We all have to deal with stress and tragedies in our lives. But when the hard times hit, what’s the first thing that takes a backseat? If you guessed intimacy and sex, you’re right! But what if you could find a way to take all those life challenges and use them to create more passion and more intimacy in your life? How cool would that be?

Tune into the 2016 Sexy Life Summit to hear me and 20+ other relationship and self-help experts tell our stories of how we triumphed over trauma and were able to lead sexier and more emotionally intimate lives.

If you’ve coached with me or read my blog, you might already be familiar with my concept of getting “Naked.” Whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship, getting Naked is about stripping away the protective walls that are keeping you safe and having the guts to expose the real YOU—both in love and in life. And, it’s the subject of my forthcoming book, Naked Dating®. 

In my 2016 Sexy Life Summit interview, I share how my life was turned upside down a year ago when my precious husband nearly died from a fleabite! Talk about a horrifying turn of events. Let’s just say that I’ve never felt more naked and vulnerable than when I was facing the real possibility of losing the love of my life.

This 21+ day, free online event is like a “master class” in creating a thriving and sexually connecting life. Here are some of the topics that will be discussed:

  • Dealing with stress and reigniting your desire for intimacy 
  • Learning how to enjoy sex again after Menopause or child birth
  • Discovering how to heal from trauma and deal with triggering emotions
  • And much, much more!

If you want start getting Naked and break through the walls that are blocking you from true love and intimacy, you don’t want to miss this.

Claim your “seat” by clicking on the link below:

SexyLifeSummit.com/LisaShield

XOXO,

Lisa

 

2016 Sexy Life Summit

2016 Sexy Life Summit

2016 Sexy Life Summit

We all have stress in our lives. But when the hard times hit, what’s the first thing that takes a backseat? If you guessed intimacy and sex, you’re right! When we’re stressed out, the best parts of our lives suffer. But what if you could find a way to take the challenges life throws at you and use them to create more passion and more intimacy in your life? How cool would that be?

Tune into the 2016 Sexy Life Summit to hear me and 20 other relationship and self-help experts tell our stories of how we triumphed over trauma and were able to lead sexier and more emotionally intimate lives.

As you know, I love connecting with other cutting edge thinkers in the world of intimacy and sexuality. If you’ve coached with me or read my blog, you might already be familiar with my concept of getting “Naked.” Whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship, getting Naked is about stripping away the protective walls that are keeping you safe and having the guts to expose the real YOU—both in love and in life. And, it’s the subject of my forthcoming book, Naked Dating®.

In my 2016 Sexy Life Summit interview, I share how my life was turned upside down a year ago when my precious husband nearly died from a fleabite! Talk about a horrifying turn of events. Let’s just say that I’ve never felt more naked and vulnerable than when I was facing the real possibility of losing the love of my life.

This 21+ day, free online event is like a “master class” in creating a thriving and sexually connecting life. Here are some of the topics that will be discussed:

  • Dealing with stress and reigniting your desire for intimacy
  • Learning how to enjoy sex again after Menopause or child birth
  • Discovering how to heal from trauma and deal with triggering emotions
  • And much, much more!

If you want start getting Naked and break through the walls that are blocking you from true love and intimacy, you don’t want to miss this.

 

Claim your “seat” by clicking on the link below:

SexyLifeSummit.com/LisaShield

 

XOXO,

 

Lisa

 

A Valentine’s Story

A Valentine's Story

A Valentine’s Story

In light of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would tell you a story about a client who almost blew a chance at having real love.

Jenny Meets Sam

Jenny was a curvy, 37-year-old  blonde, never married, who longed to have children of her own. Her search for the man of her dreams was not going well. The four years she’d spent dating online had felt like an eternity and she’d netted only a couple of short relationships during that time. In our coaching sessions, Jenny regularly complained about hard it is to date in L.A., how there are no good men left, and how Internet dating was an exercise in futility. If you’re dating and seriously searching for a life partner, you can probably relate to how discouraged she felt.

Meeting Sam, an ambitious, outgoing architect, caught Jenny by surprise. At first, she thought he was a great catch. Even though he lived 45 miles away and the commute could take him an hour and a half each way, he insisted on making the drive to see her for their first three dates. She was happy that he never used the distance as an excuse to get her to let him stay over, and despite not knowing the area, she was impressed by the ingenuity he showed in planning their dates.

He Doesn’t Get It!

On the day before Valentine’s Day, Jenny called me for an emergency session. Her voice tightened as she told me how Sam hadn’t asked her out for the 14th.

“Any man should know how important Valentine’s Day is to a woman,” Jenny said, as if she were reciting a universal truth.

“I hear that you’re upset,” I replied, trying to calm her down, “but you have only been on three dates. Do you think you could be expecting a little much too soon?”

Jenny was so hurt she couldn’t hear what I said. “If you’re dating someone and it’s Valentine’s Day, you should ask her out. I want to date the kind of guy who wouldn’t leave me sitting at home alone on a holiday. I’m ending it.”

Two weeks ago, Jenny was sobbing in my chair, telling me there “are no good guys,” and now she was threatening to give a really good guy the ax over what I felt was an unfair expectation on her part. It was hard to watch her sabotage herself like this, but I knew there was nothing I could do. Jenny was convinced she was right. As she left my office, she paused at the door to tell me she was going straight home and breaking it off with Sam. She’d completely forgotten that she’d been single for six long years and that this was the first man she’d  felt really excited about in all that time.

February 14th

The following morning was Valentine’s Day. Jenny had felt exhausted from our session the previous day and never wound up contacting Sam. Now, she sat alone in her office, watching as flowers were delivered to the offices of several of her coworkers. As each colorful bouquet passed her door, Jenny felt her heart sink lower and lower. She couldn’t believe that she had to suffer through another Valentine’s Day alone. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that it was just another stupid, commercial holiday, Jenny still felt depressed. Finally, she opened her email and started furiously typing her goodbye to Sam.

“Hey, ready for lunch?” her coworker, Rosa, shouted, poking her head into Jenny’s office.

Was it that time already? Snapping her laptop shut, Jenny reached for her sweater and sulked out the door. At lunch, she updated Rosa on how things were going with Sam. Hearing how hurt Jenny was, Rosa urged her to write the email right away and get it off her mind.

As Jenny headed back to her office after lunch, the receptionist called out, “Something came for you. It’s on your desk.” She wasn’t expecting any packages. What could it be? Jenny opened the door to her office and gasped. At that same moment, Jenny’s boss, Emily, rounded the corner and blurted out, “Whoa! Who’s the big spender?” Jenny shrugged as she stared at two-dozen red and white roses.

Emily joked, “I hope they’re not from your ex!” while Jenny searched for the card.

“Don’t even joke about that!” Jenny winced, remembering how she’d nearly had to take out a restraining order on him. When she found the tiny, gold envelope tucked inside the bouquet, she pealed back the flap and read the note silently with Emily by her side.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Beautiful!

Can’t wait to see you again.

-Sam

Jenny’s mind began to race. She couldn’t believe how close she had come to sending that email and ending things. How could she have been so dumb? She’d almost ruined everything!

Happily Ever After

Two years later, Jenny and Sam got married and they now have two precious daughters. I still get a holiday card from them every year. A few months ago, Jenny and I traded emails and I teased her about how stubborn she had been and how different things might have turned out if that email had been sent. Jenny wrote back saying that she could now see that her expectations had been unreasonable and that she’d almost sabotaged the relationship. She also added that, ironically, a friend of hers had been in an almost identical situation. Jenny wrote that she’d thought of me as she was begging her friend not to be hasty and write the guy off.

And the Moral of the Story Is…

You might want a relationship more than anything, but if you’ve been single for a long time, it might also be hard to trust a loving person when you find him. Like Jenny, your fear of becoming even more disappointed could cause you to run at the first sign of disappointment. It’s important not to expect a man to follow too many rules or jump through too many hoops. You ned to stop running away and learn how get emotionally naked and express your feelings instead. It’s okay to tell a man you’re feeling hurt or disappointed. It’s all in the way you say it. If Jenny had written to Sam, the best thing she could have said would have been something like, “I know we haven’t been dating long, but I really like you and it would have so nice to have spent Valentine’s Day with you. Maybe next year?” Asking for what you want is always the best solution. If you want to find out if someone is willing to give you what you want, you need get emotionally naked and ask for it. That’s Naked Dating in a nutshell!

Click here to book a sample session and see how I can help you stop sabotaging your chances at love and find a Valentine of your own!

A Valentine's Story

Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you find the love you’re looking for.

XO,

Lisa

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Are you Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Sylvia’s Story

Six months ago, I was in a coaching session with my client, Sylvia. A guy she had been emailing on Match and hadn’t heard from in a few weeks had popped up out of the blue. “Hey,” he wrote. “What happened to you?” 

“Did you email him back???” I asked. I was excited to see someone she’d been communicating with was trying to reconnect with her.  Sylvia had been having a hard time getting dates from guys she liked. 

“No. I’m not emailing him back,” Sylvia declared, looking at me like I was out of my mind. “I wrote him last and then he stopped communicating with me. He’s got a lot of nerve implying I was the one who dropped the ball.”

Really? I replied, “What’s the difference? He reached out. Can’t you just play along? You have a long email history with the guy. It seems like you were into him at some point.”

I went on to suggest that she write him something playful like:

“Actually, you never answered my last email and I was wondering what happened to you! So, where do we go from here? Ill give you a little hint: if you ask me for my number, I just might give it to you ☺”

Yeah, I dont think so, she insisted. Why should I make it easy for him? I want a guy whos excited about me and pursues me.

My female clients say this all the time; they want men to chase them, but what they really do is make them jump through too many hoops. If a guy makes one misstep—it can be something as simple as dropping the thread of communication for a couple of days or failing to ask them a question about themselves in an email exchange—these women will write the man off, claiming he didn’t seem like he was interested.

Sylvia was missing the point. This guy had reached out to her. Maybe he didn’t use the best approach, but he was trying to get the communication flowing again. When it comes to online dating and two people haven’t even met, it doesn’t matter who wrote the last email. People have busy lives and they get distracted. What’s more, most people are communicating with several different people at the same time and it’s easy to lose track of who you’re writing to. You need to take it all with a grain of salt.

The bottom line is that Sylvia is not dating naked. She’s taking things personally and putting up walls, walls that no man in his right mind is going to work that hard to get through, especially if he hasn’t even met her yet! As long as her Frenemy (read Inner Bitch) is calling the shots and she’s being defensive and closed off, no one will pursue her. I tried everything I could to convince her to write this guy back, even just for practice, but she wouldn’t budge.

Maya’s Story

Interestingly enough, the day after my session with Sylvia, I coached another client, Maya, on the same issue. Maya had also been emailing with a guy who’d stopped writing and then resurfaced a few weeks later. Even though they’d only exchanged a handful of emails, Maya was worried she might have said something to turn him off. By the time we met, Maya was feeling rejected and her Frenemy had put up a wall to protect her. Like Sylvia, she felt that if a man was excited and wanted to pursue her, he wouldn’t have let the communication drop.

Maya’s Frenemy had convinced her that she shouldn’t respond to the email, so she was shocked to hear what I had to say. Before she made any rash decisions, I encouraged her to write him a playful message asking where he’d disappeared to. After all, what did she have to lose?

Maya hesitated, but then she took my advice. “I really hear what you’re saying,” she told me. “You’re telling me to keep an open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt. I need to be more playful and ease up on men; I can be so hard on them. I guess I’m just afraid of getting hurt again, so I push them away before they can reject me. Even if this isn’t the perfect guy for me, I really do need to practice opening up and asking for what I want.”

That evening I got an email from Maya saying that she had not only written to the man we’d talked about, but she’d also sent a playful email to another man who she had stopped writing. Both guys wrote her back immediately, and an hour later she had not one but two dates lined up for the weekend. It’s been a few weeks now and she’s already been out with the first guy five times. Imagine what Maya would have missed out on if she had followed her initial knee jerk reaction and written him off for not making a move?

Fear of being exposed

So, back to Sylvia. Want to know what happened with her? When she had first started coaching with me, she told me about all the self-help books she’d read and how hard she’d worked to get to a place where she liked herself. After our session, she wrote me a long, defensive email reminding me about all the work she’d already done on herself and saying that she didn’t feel she needed to change. Then she went on to reiterate why she was right in not emailing back the guy. To me it was clear that she was guarded. She didn’t really want to put herself out there. Dating can be risky: what if she got rejected and found out that she was going to have to do more work on herself before she would be ready to get into a relationship?

At this point, there was nothing left for me to say. She had come to me for coaching because some part of her knew she was getting in her own way. Unfortunately, she was still terrified of rejection, and rather than risk getting hurt, her Frenemy was putting up an even bigger wall. So, in the end, I could see that her sense of self wasn’t nearly as solid as she wanted to believe. 

In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called beginner’s mind; it’s the idea that you approach every situation from a place of openness and curiosity, and with a willingness to learn something new. A quote relating to that concept kept running through my head as I read Sylvia’s email: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.” Sylvias inner Frenemy was the consummate expert and it wasnt going to budge at least not on my watch.

Are you a Sylvia or a Maya?

When you find yourself getting reactive and your Frenemy is telling you to cut off communication with someone you’ve been talking to online, see if you can let go a little, stop jumping to conclusions, and look at the situation with a beginner’s mind. There’s nothing to be lost by giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If you want things to change, you are going to have to stop listening to your Frenemy, take some risks, and be willing to give more people a chance. Ask yourself: do you want to date like Sylvia or like Maya? I promise you, Maya is getting a lot more dates, she’s having a lot more fun, and she’s going to meet someone… or, maybe she already has!

Are you having trouble opening up and giving people a chance? Book a free consultation with me and see how I can help you take down your walls and start dating with a beginner’s mind!

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy

Blogarama - The Blog Directory