I am so excited to share the following email. It is one of the most extraordinary pieces of correspondence I’ve received in 10 years of coaching! I am reprinting it here with the permission of my client, Osa Notting. Click here to schedule a session.
As fate would have it, Osa’s email arrived at a most opportune time, right when I was struggling with an unusual number of coaching clients whose dating lives were suffering because of their rigid beliefs ideas about the kinds of partners they wanted. As a dating coach, I know that the more inflexible people are about what they’re looking for, the harder it becomes to find someone. The more my clients are willing to go out with all different kinds of people—even those who don’t fit their preconceived notions of their ideal partner—the easier it is for them to find someone who is a truly good fit. This is especially true when it comes to things like age and other physical characteristics. So many people shoot themselves in the foot and limit their choices by being rigid about certain physical qualities that, in the grander scheme of things, DON’T MATTER. When I met my husband, he was 30 pounds heavier and 2 1/2 inches taller than me. With time, he is now an inch shorter and 30 pounds lighter. I, on the other hand, have gained 25 pounds since we met. Such is life
Here are a few examples of what I am talking about: One 58-year-old client will only date younger men with full heads of hair. Another female client who is 5’2” will only date men 5’10” and taller. The men are even pickier. One portly man who is in his early sixties will only look at slender women who are no older than 45. A very handsome Asian client insists that he will only date blond-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian women—the majority of whom never write him back. When I try to get them to open up and consider other options, they all tell me: “I can’t help it. This is what I’m attracted to.” You know, I think Patrick Wilson is the handsomest man alive and my husband is enamored with Penelope Cruz, but here we are.
Osa’s email is a testament to what I am saying and serves as an inspiration to us all. You cannot know what kind of package your soul mate will come in. The best thing you can do is this: Open up your heart and mind to the magical journey of dating and allow yourself to be mystified and surprised, like Osa. I hope you enjoy her email as much as I did! FYI, I tried to edit it down length-wise as much as I could, but there is such pure joy here that I didn’t want to lose the beauty of what she’s saying.
There have been some major awesome changes for me already, thanks to you and my Tony Robbins coach, Jessie. The last time we spoke I told you about a man named Jay whom I met during the fall. He was my contractor on a build out. When I spoke with him on the phone from Sweden last summer about the job coming up, I felt this super duper connection with him, and it stayed with me for months. I also dreamt of him on several occasions and those dreams were amazing. We started playing tennis together in December, and I was always joking and flirting with him, but he seemed shy and not interested. To tell you the truth, I had also been feeling VERY ambivalent about my feelings for him, questioning HOW it could be possible for me to feel a connection with this man? He is short, Caucasian, (I always go for dark-skinned men), he has a beard, and one eye?! Short was by far the biggest problem for me. I kept telling my friend Jen about him, over and over again. I told her that he seemed kind, loving, and super sweet in every way. We had this fabulous connection, but he IS short, so I felt he “couldn’t be THE man, ‘cause in my mind my future man is tall.”
Then, I had my talk with you, got that book you recommended, and worked on speaking my naked truth (which I realized I had never really done before because, strangely enough, I thought I had). I really worked on embodying what you said. I allowed myself to be more feminine and more vulnerable, and I saw that you were right: Men and women are equal, but they have different roles. I LOVE THAT! It really hit the mark!
Finally in March Jay told me, “I’m obsessing over you, and I can’t get you out of my mind!” That was the first time he opened up to me. Before that, I was worried that he may be emotionally unavailable, like every other man in my past. During this conversation, I had to work on staying in my naked truth and being vulnerable. This made me realize some of the ways I had been behaving with men! I was floored!! I kept moving my eyes away, I didn’t listen to the kind things he told me—I brushed them off, cut him off, feeling I wasn’t worthy of his attention. After that conversation it became very clear that I had been self-sabotaging in some really awkward ways, attracting emotionally unavailable men and then trying so hard to change them. Most of all, I realized that I hadn’t felt like I was worthy of having a loving man in my life!
On March 9th he called me and asked if I was available for dinner that night. SURE I was! He picked me up and we went to a nearby restaurant and had the MOST amazing time. He was totally emotionally available, and more interestingly, I WAS ALSO! For the first time in 41 years, I was able to receive this gift of speaking the naked truth with a man and receiving the same. I’m amazed and grateful. Everything since March 9th has happened so very fast.
So, Jay and I are in love, we love each other, totally respect each other, and we’re 100% emotionally open with each other. I tried fighting it a bit because he is short, but after writing down 100+ things I want in my man and seeing that he has every quality on my list except for the fact that he’s short, I realized that I was just being stupid. He is loving, gentle, smart, ambitious, cute, positive, loyal, honest, single, emotionally available, has a great sense of humor—we laugh at the same stuff, he is EXTREMELY GENEROUS with his love and attention, he’s a gentleman, he’s supportive, and so on. As an example, I had told him how special March 21 was for me—that’s the day my dad passed away and my life changed forever—so he honored that memory in such a beautiful way by sending a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to my work.
Lisa, this man is EVERYTHING I have ever dreamt of; in fact, it’s hard not to feel that I’m dreaming! I love him, Lisa. I feel he makes me a better person. I WANT to be ALL of the great things he is to me. We are so open and honest with each other. We feel like old souls. I am the luckiest woman on this earth! Truly. This is an experience that I cherish for the rest of my life and the best part of it is that DEEP IN MY SOUL I FEEL I AM WORTHY OF IT, OF HAVING THIS AMAZING LOVING MAN IN MY LIFE. I AM SOOOOOO WORTHY OF IT. And he knows and he agrees. And we are just happy to be in each other’s lives. I feel I’m in this ginormous puzzle and now, at last, the pieces are falling into place. I am blessed, truly. I feel that to have Jay now in my life was worth the loooong wait, and all the sorrows and pain I endured along that wait. With confidence I can say that this man loves me, not “I think he loves me, or I think he is into me.” No, Jay loves me. He adores me. He has my best interest at heart. Not because of what he says, but because of what he does. And I feel it. I’m very, very grateful.
I feel I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him. I ask myself if I’m crazy for even thinking that, but I trust my feelings and the connection Jay and I have, and that’s my honest truth. He is THE ONE :)))))
So where do you and I go from here? Thank you for reading this long email. An hour or something ago I thought it would have been a short text, lol. From my iPhone and all.
Thank you so very much for your support.
Hugs from NYC
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