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April, 2013

Singles Stats That May Shock You

Match.com’s annual Singles in America study reveals some pretty juicy (and surprising) facts about America’s current dating population, and some of them might shock you. These stats not only disqualify some common dating myths; they also provide some really interesting insights into what men and women look at first when they “size up” potential partners.

 

Guess what: Grammar matters.

Believe it or not, the study says that for both men and women, grammar is the SECOND biggest thing that potential partners get judged on. Think your way with words doesn’t matter as much on Facebook? Think again. Grammar comes in second only after teeth. Apparently, both sexes are suckers for a great smile. What’s the third thing that men and women judge each other on most after teeth and grammar? Hair. No matter what do you’re sporting, members of both sexes want to see you rock those locks (or lack thereof) with confidence.

 

What do men and women get judged least on?

Now here’s where it gets really interesting. The study’s stats seem to go against a lot of common perceptions that get tossed around in current dating culture. Women actually judge men least on their electronics, their accents, and the cars they drive. In fact, electronics are the last thing women seem to be looking at. So boys… those expensive toys might not impress the ladies as much as you think they will. They’ll be checking out your smile and your semantics first. And women, men judge you the least on your electronics, your cars, and wait… brace yourselves… your shoes. That’s right, only 18% of men say they judge women on their shoes. (I can only imagine what Carrie Bradshaw would have to say about that!)

 

Do height, financial stability, and virginity actually matter? Well, according to the study, 71% of women aren’t likely to date someone shorter than them; 42% of singles wouldn’t date a virgin (women seem to care more about this at a 51% majority); and 54% of singles wouldn’t date someone with credit card debt that’s greater than $5k. While these stats do seem to hold some sway among certain singles, the study shows that they aren’t real deal breakers.

 

There’s good news for long-term love

97% of singles want to please you in bed more than they want to please themselves, and older singles care just as much about sex as do singles in the younger age bracket. And ladies, listen up: Nearly half of men want to meet your parents before they commit.

 

But wait, that’s not all. Despite what might seem to be popular belief, American singles are pretty optimistic when it comes to long-term partnerships like marriage. About 65% of men (20s-30s) want to get married, and nearly 80% of men in that age group reported wanting to have kids. Guess what else: In the “want kids” category, men and women match evenly. Moreover, the study shows that men actually fall in love faster than women do. They also believe in love at first sight more frequently than women do, and they’re likelier to approve of PDA. They’re also more likely to want to introduce their partners to their friends and family sooner. See ladies, men aren’t “all insensitive jerks.” The science behind the study proves it.

 

When it’s all said and done, this study shows us that men and women alike want partners who express themselves well and who aren’t too hung up on gadgets. These stats show us that many of the things we think might be deal breakers… really aren’t. In the end, it’s all about putting your best foot forward and being the best you that you can be. And don’t forget to smile. J

“As fate would have it”

lisa shield

I am so excited to share the following email. It is one of the most extraordinary pieces of correspondence I’ve received in 10 years of coaching! I am reprinting it here with the permission of my client, Osa Notting. Click here to schedule a session. 

As fate would have it, Osa’s email arrived at a most opportune time, right when I was struggling with an unusual number of coaching clients whose dating lives were suffering because of their rigid beliefs ideas about the kinds of partners they wanted. As a dating coach, I know that the more inflexible people are about what they’re looking for, the harder it becomes to find someone. The more my clients are willing to go out with all different kinds of people—even those who don’t fit their preconceived notions of their ideal partner—the easier it is for them to find someone who is a truly good fit. This is especially true when it comes to things like age and other physical characteristics. So many people shoot themselves in the foot and limit their choices by being rigid about certain physical qualities that, in the grander scheme of things, DON’T MATTER.  When I met my husband, he was 30 pounds heavier and 2 1/2 inches taller than me. With time, he is now an inch shorter and 30 pounds lighter. I, on the other hand, have gained 25 pounds since we met. Such is life :)

Here are a few examples of what I am talking about: One 58-year-old client will only date younger men with full heads of hair. Another female client who is 5’2” will only date men 5’10” and taller. The men are even pickier. One portly man who is in his early sixties will only look at slender women who are no older than 45. A very handsome Asian client insists that he will only date blond-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian women—the majority of whom never write him back. When I try to get them to open up and consider other options, they all tell me: “I can’t help it. This is what I’m attracted to.” You know, I think Patrick Wilson is the handsomest man alive and my husband is enamored with Penelope Cruz, but here we are.

Osa’s email is a testament to what I am saying and serves as an inspiration to us all. You cannot know what kind of package your soul mate will come in. The best thing you can do is this: Open up your heart and mind to the magical journey of dating and allow yourself to be mystified and surprised, like Osa. I hope you enjoy her email as much as I did! FYI, I tried to edit it down length-wise as much as I could, but there is such pure joy here that I didn’t want to lose the beauty of what she’s saying.

Hi Lisa,

 

There have been some major awesome changes for me already, thanks to you and my Tony Robbins coach, Jessie. The last time we spoke I told you about a man named Jay whom I met during the fall. He was my contractor on a build out. When I spoke with him on the phone from Sweden last summer about the job coming up, I felt this super duper connection with him, and it stayed with me for months.  I also dreamt of him on several occasions and those dreams were amazing.  We started playing tennis together in December, and I was always joking and flirting with him, but he seemed shy and not interested.  To tell you the truth, I had also been feeling VERY ambivalent about my feelings for him, questioning HOW it could be possible for me to feel a connection with this man?  He is short, Caucasian, (I always go for dark-skinned men), he has a beard, and one eye?!  Short was by far the biggest problem for me.  I kept telling my friend Jen about him, over and over again.  I told her that he seemed kind, loving, and super sweet in every way. We had this fabulous connection, but he IS short, so I felt he “couldn’t be THE man, cause in my mind my future man is tall.”

 

Then, I had my talk with you, got that book you recommended, and worked on speaking my naked truth (which I realized I had never really done before because, strangely enough, I thought I had).  I really worked on embodying what you said.  I allowed myself to be more feminine and more vulnerable, and I saw that you were right: Men and women are equal, but they have different roles. I LOVE THAT! It really hit the mark!

 

Finally in March Jay told me, “I’m obsessing over you, and I can’t get you out of my mind!”  That was the first time he opened up to me. Before that, I was worried that he may be emotionally unavailable, like every other man in my past. During this conversation, I had to work on staying in my naked truth and being vulnerable.  This made me realize some of the ways I had been behaving with men! I was floored!! I kept moving my eyes away, I didn’t listen to the kind things he told me—I brushed them off, cut him off, feeling I wasn’t worthy of his attention. After that conversation it became very clear that I had been self-sabotaging in some really awkward ways, attracting emotionally unavailable men and then trying so hard to change them.  Most of all, I realized that I hadn’t felt like I was worthy of having a loving man in my life!

 

On March 9th he called me and asked if I was available for dinner that night. SURE I was! He picked me up and we went to a nearby restaurant and had the MOST amazing time. He was totally emotionally available, and more interestingly, I WAS ALSO! For the first time in 41 years, I was able to receive this gift of speaking the naked truth with a man and receiving the same. I’m amazed and grateful. Everything since March 9th has happened so very fast.

 

So, Jay and I are in love, we love each other, totally respect each other, and we’re 100% emotionally open with each other.  I tried fighting it a bit because he is short, but after writing down 100+ things I want in my man and seeing that he has every quality on my list except for the fact that he’s short, I realized that I was just being stupid. He is loving, gentle, smart, ambitious, cute, positive, loyal, honest, single, emotionally available, has a great sense of humor—we laugh at the same stuff, he is EXTREMELY GENEROUS with his love and attention, he’s a gentleman, he’s supportive, and so on. As an example, I had told him how special March 21 was for me—that’s the day my dad passed away and my life changed forever—so he honored that memory in such a beautiful way by sending a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to my work. 

 

Lisa, this man is EVERYTHING I have ever dreamt of; in fact, it’s hard not to feel that I’m dreaming!  I love him, Lisa. I feel he makes me a better person. I WANT to be ALL of the great things he is to me. We are so open and honest with each other. We feel like old souls. I am the luckiest woman on this earth! Truly. This is an experience that I cherish for the rest of my life and the best part of it is that DEEP IN MY SOUL I FEEL I AM WORTHY OF IT, OF HAVING THIS AMAZING LOVING MAN IN MY LIFE. I AM SOOOOOO WORTHY OF IT. And he knows and he agrees. And we are just happy to be in each other’s lives.  I feel I’m in this ginormous puzzle and now, at last, the pieces are falling into place. I am blessed, truly. I feel that to have Jay now in my life was worth the loooong wait, and all the sorrows and pain I endured along that wait. With confidence I can say that this man loves me, not “I think he loves me, or I think he is into me.” No, Jay loves me. He adores me. He has my best interest at heart. Not because of what he says, but because of what he does. And I feel it. I’m very, very grateful.

 

I feel I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him. I ask myself if I’m crazy for even thinking that, but I trust my feelings and the connection Jay and I have, and that’s my honest truth. He is THE ONE :)))))

 

So where do you and I go from here? Thank you for reading this long email. An hour or something ago I thought it would have been a short text, lol. From my iPhone and all. 

 

Thank you so very much for your support.

Hugs from NYC :)

 

Osa Notting

Make the first step to finding your love, click here to schedule a coaching session.

Uncle Sid

Today, I thought I would write about a different kind of love than I usually write about.  Typically, I write about my husband or my dogs or how to find love by dating.  Today, I thought I’d share about one of the other great loves of my life, my Uncle IMG_3733Sid.

Uncle Sid died this morning of pancreatic cancer.  Somehow, I thought it would be easier to lose someone who was 90-years-old, but it’s not, not when we’re talking about a man who was still as vital and alive as Uncle Sid.  Until he was diagnosed with cancer 4 ½ weeks ago, he was still working as a corporate lawyer, driving himself to the office everyday.  He was engaged in the world, keeping abreast of politics and the news, reading 3 newspapers everyday.  Even at age 90, there was no one smarter than Sid when it came to investing in the stock market and buying and selling properties.  And he was still socializing with family and friends.  Whenever we went to dinner with him and my Aunt, Ruth, he would run into at least one tableful of people he knew.

Next to my husband, Uncle Sid was the most important man in my life.  He was like a father to me.  When I was 15, my mother died of breast cancer.  My brother and I went to live with our grandmother, Mimi, until she died six years later.  On her deathbed, Mimi asked her younger brother, Sid, to please take care of my brother and me.

IMG_7658.JPGSid was a busy and important man with a family of his own, but he loved his sister with all his heart, and there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her.  In the time that he was our trustee, he invested the money my grandmother and mother left us, managing our trust as if we were his own children and watching so that we did not overspend.  Like most people, he also had a darker side.  When Sid got mad, he lit up like the sky on the Fourth of July.  Forgiving these outbursts wasn’t easy, but he was always right and we knew that, even when his approach didn’t feel loving, everything he did came from love.  When he finally resigned his position as trustee, Uncle Sid had more than quadrupled the money that was left to us.  He never asked for so much a thank you.

Like most people, I have suffered my share of disappointments in life.  Through death and other circumstances, my parents weren’t able to be there for me in many of the ways I wanted or needed them to be.  This lack of connection with my biological mother and father has been a great source of sadness throughout my life and is probably why my work as a coach is now centered on helping people open their hearts and connect at the deepest level.

Don’t worry.  I don’t feel sorry for myself.  My life has worked out beautifully, thanks to my guardian angel, my Uncle Sid.  For thirty years he watched over me, as if I was one of his own.  I don’t remember the first time I said, “I love you,” to Uncle Sid,IMG_7656.JPG but I remember that he said it back without hesitation, and from then on that was how we ended our phone conversations.  It always made me so happy to hear him say, “I love you.”  Last week we said, “I love you” for the last time.  My husband and I had just returned from seeing him in St. Louis.  They were still giving him chemotherapy when we left, but the pain had gotten too bad and he knew the end was near.  So, he called to tell us goodbye—that he loved us so much, that we were part of his family, and he was thankful for everything we’d done for Aunt Ruth.  I never knew I’d get a phone call like that where I had to say goodbye to someone for the last time.  You’d think I would have had a million things to say, but I was speechless.  How do you ever say goodbye to the man who profoundly and selflessly helped shape your life?  All I could say was, “Uncle Sid, I love you so much” and “Thank you for everything you did for me.”

Sid comes from a very different and more selfless generation.  He was truly a man of his word.  He had a deep sense of family, honor, and duty.  When I asked him why he never became a judge, he said that, as a lawyer, what was most important to him was to be able to protect the people he loved—his own family and friends.  I have only ever known one other man like him, my husband.  So, I am fortunate to say that I have had two truly great men in my life, my two guardian angels—and now one has flown away.  I love you so much Uncle Sid.  Thank you with all my heart for everything you did for me.  So much of who I have become and how my life has turned out is because of you.  I love you so much.

 

Digital Deal Breakers: Avoiding Date Drama w/ Tech-Savvy Singles

It’s a fact: We live in a digital world.

digital dealbreakers

While many of us have at least some sort of social networking presence—whether on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or a personal blog—most of us stay connected through our cell phones. While the miracles of technology are many (for one, it allows us to stay in touch with our friends and families long-distance), our phones and Facebook profiles can cause some serious dating drama. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a “Why was she writing that flirty comment on your wall?” or a “Who is that guy who keeps liking all of your pictures?” interrogation, you know this to be true. Our ability to stay constantly connected can be a double-edged sword, and a sharp one at that. We have to ask ourselves: How much of a good thing is too much? When can constant connectivity get you in trouble, and what do singles look for when they scope out potential partners?

For starters, lose the passcode.
According to Match.com’s third annual study on the single population, 77% of women and 53% of men wouldn’t date someone who is secretive about their texts. In fact, women get pretty serious when it comes to digital transparency. 74% of women say they read more

Make the first step to finding the one, schedule an appointment with Dating & Relationship Expert, Lisa Shield.  pricing & scheduling

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC
Transformational Dating and Relationship Coach
(323) 939-1770
www.LisaShield.com

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