August, 2012


Online Dating? Don’t Let Your First Email Be A Dud [EXPERT]

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Online Dating? Don't Let Your First Email Be A Dud [EXPERT]

Do your emails make a good first impression?
A few simple guidelines to help you make a great first impression.

You only get one chance to make a first impression; this is as true in Internet dating as it is in life. But now that there are millions of people dating online, the competition is fiercer than ever. If you want to get someone’s attention, you need your initial email to really standout.

I will get to some sample emails, but before I do, let’s look at a few, simple guidelines to help you write that irresistible introductory email to the potential future love of your life:

1. Be brief. Don’t write more than a short paragraph.  All you’re trying to do in this first email is arouse someone’s curiosity and get him or her to respond.

2. Be funny. Everyone loves humor. Don’t just say, “I’m funny,” say something funny like, “Boy, are you cute! Email me; I don’t bite!” This one gets ’em every time!

3. Be sexy. Let’s be honest: the search for true love eventually leads to sex. So what’s the harm in a little harmless sexual innuendo? Read more




It doesn’t interest me if there is one God

or many gods.

I want to know if you belong or feel


If you know despair or can see it in others.
 I want to know

if you are prepared to live in the world

with its harsh need

to change you. If you can look back

with firm eyes

saying this is where I stand. I want to know

if you know 
how to melt into that fierce heat of living

falling toward

the center of your longing. I want to know

if you are willing

to live, day by day, with the consequence of love

and the bitter

unwanted passion of your sure defeat.


I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even

the gods speak of God.


— David Whyte

from Fire in the Earth

©1992 Many Rivers Press



There are essentially 3 kinds of relationships: Traditional, Conscious, and Transcendent.  Each serves it’s own purpose.  Take a look at the descriptions below and ask yourself what kind of relationship you’re in and what kind of relationship you would like to be in.  Remember, some people can’t or don’t want to do the necessary work too get to the next level.  Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams?

LEVEL 1:  


This is the most familiar dynamic found in traditional marriages and relationships.  The focus is on shared interests and values rather than personal growth.  In Traditional Relationships neither person has done the necessary psychological or spiritual work to bond either with themselves or another.  This means that the couple connects at the personality rather than the emotional and spiritual levels.  When two people relate from the personality or “I” level, the individual’s focus remains on him or herself rather than on the other.  Each person is primarily focused on getting his or her own needs met which prevents the “we” of the relationship from forming.  As a result these relationships often become stagnant and power struggles occur frequently.  To remain together, partners in Traditional Relationships avoid looking at key issues, pretending they don’t exist.  Many couples feel safe and secure in a Traditional Relationship.  It is all they ever want or need and they can remain at this level forever.  These couples will not naturally progress to the next two levels of relationship.  Traditional Relationships end when one partner embarks on his or her psychospiritual journey and it becomes impossible to continue growing while remaining in the relationship.



When soul mates come together they join in Conscious Relationship.   Soul mates are those who relate from the soul level.  Though many seek a soul mate, the requirement for this kind of relationship is that both people must have done some psychological and spiritual work prior to meeting in order to relate soul to soul.  In Conscious Relationships the focus is on emotional and spiritual growth both as individuals and as a couple.  Those in Conscious Relationships are engaged in learning lessons.  Their goal is to transcend the physical and emotional levels to the spiritual plane.   As they actively work through issues together, Conscious Couples are increasingly able to lean in and trust one another to create the “we” of the relationship.  One of the great challenges of Conscious Relationships is that they are transitioning from an I-based to a we-based relationship as they learn not only to work on their own individual issues but also as they learn to apply what they learn to the relationship as a whole.  As this happens, power struggles occur.  Though profound, Conscious Relationships but do not necessarily last forever.  They might end when both partners are no longer able to grow together or when one person does not meet the other person’s Essential Needs.  Just because people are Conscious Partners does not mean that they can automatically fulfill the other person’s requirements.  Reaching the level of Conscious Partnership is a significant accomplishment and can lead to nourishing and lasting relationship. 



Not everyone wants to do the work to reach this third.  Transcendent Partners love one another unconditionally.  They are “guardians of each others souls.”  Because Transcendent Partners have mastered the art of taking personal responsibility, they generate their identity, happiness and emotional stability from within and there is no fear of losing themselves in the relationship.  With such a strong sense of their individual selves, Transcendent Partners can fully surrender to the “we” of the relationship, forming a union where the individual is not lost and the whole is profoundly greater than the sum of its parts.  Skilled in unconditional acceptance, power struggles rarely occur. Transcendent Partners fully support each other in going for their dreams.  They live in truth and can share anything without fear of shame or blame.  Transcendent Partners relate at the spiritual level and k lhave evolved beyond the need to work at the relationship.  Both partners are guided not by outer but by inner forces and by each other.  Knowing that what they have together is enough, Transcendent Partners are content and can commit to one another for life.  Transcendent Partnership is focused in gratitude and on giving back to society.  There are few models in our society for this type of partnership.  Conscious Partners can and do evolve into Transcendent Partnership when both people do their individual work.  You have not failed if you achieve a Traditional or Conscious Relationship.   Transcendent Partnership is not and should not be for everyone. 


PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

















A big issue with online dating is that people often stop communicating abruptly and for no apparent reason.  Most of my clients just figure that the other person lost interest or that they must of done something to turn the other person off, and they give up.  As hard as it is not to take this stuff personally, you can’t let it get to you.  People stop writing for all kinds of reasons, none of them having to do with you.  Maybe they lost a job, are dealing with family issues, or just got bored .  Let’s be real.  Most of us don’t finish everything we start, especially when it comes to online dating.  When pressed, the same clients who complain about how other people dropped the ball on them admit that they have emails in their inbox that they haven’t answered.

So, let’s say that you started communicating with you were really excited about, and he or she stopped writing.  What can you do.  You can blow them off and just move on which is what a lot of people do, or you can say something.  If you felt like there was potential why wouldn’t you give it a try?  I wouldn’t suggest sending a second email, but one is worth a try.  The thing is that I want  you to stop playing it so safe and take some risks.  The fun in dating is being able to play and not be perfect all the time.  What better place to practice than in emails.  You have nothing to lost on a dating site with someone you’ve never met.  So get online, go through your inbox, and start emailing all those hot men and women who fell by the wayside.

Here are two examples of email threads from clients.  Hope they give you some inspiration.  They worked because they are provocative and playful.  That kind of energy is irresistable!


Since I haven’t heard from you, I thought you might have gotten kidnapped by pygmies and might need some help planning your escape.


Hey!  I was just thinking about you last week, while bound and gagged!  How are you?  Can I give you a call on Monday?


LOL!  Just the way I like my men!  😉 You can reach me after 9pm.  I want to hear the whole story!

Hi, in case you hit your head and have temporary amnesia, I thought I would remind you of the cute, funny girl you were messaging…that would be ME!
OMG, I did have amnesia.  Thanks for reminding me.  Can you ever forgive me?
If you take me to a nice dinner or buy me gifts, I am sure I can forgive anything.  But you have to hurry up and ask me out.  This email has an expiration date and will self-destruct within one week.  :-)

PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:








So, what do wild parrots and dating have to do with one another?  I am going to tell you.  But first, in case you’re not from around here, it is useful to know that all over California there are flocks of wild parrots. They’re not native to the area, so dozens or even hundreds of birds must have either escaped or were released into the wild. When you live here, every once in awhile, you will stop and say, “Look!  There go the wild parrots!”

This morning, as I do every morning, I was walking my dogs, Milo (a.k.a. Milto, Monkey Punkin, and Myron) and his big bro, Cosmo (a.k.a. Cosmito, Cos Montaz, and Schlomo). My girl, Marianne Williamson, was yammering away on the earbuds that were connected to my iPhone.  I was listening to a lecture entitled, “The Journey Without,” which I’d downloaded from her website, Marianne was going to town as she usually does, telling me that I am just on the earth to love people.  I was all in my zone, spreading the love around, as she was saying that I have only one thing to do here and that’s love everybody.  Apparently, when my heart is closed, I miss the signals, and I’m not there to experience the love that’s right in front of me.

Just as Marianne said that bit about not experiencing what’s right in front of me, Milo lurched forward, nearly yanking my shoulder out of it’s socket.  Then, whoosh!  I saw a bright flash of green, yellow, and red as a wild parrot bolted from the bushes and took to the air.  It was so beautiful that I gasped and then laughed out loud.  Life had just played a little trick on me.  Expect the unexpected.  In 50 years I had never seen a parrot in the bushes, only in cages at the pet store or way up the sky.

This got me to thinking about surprises and how much I love them.  I mean, there you are, just moseying along in life, and out of nowhere, a wild parrot bolts from the bushes, or you sit down on an Internet date across from a stranger and two years later you’re married to the guy.  All those years of dating, one person after another, wondering if it would ever end and then, one day, he just shows up and sits down in front of me.  I think about all the agonizing I did along the way and then he just waltzes in and buys me dinner.  Just like that.  He flies into my world out of nowhere, just like that crazy little bird did.

So what’s the moral of this story?  Listen to more Marianne Williamson?  Possibly.  Get a parrot?  Couldn’t hurt.  Keep dating, opening your heart, and loving everyone around you?  Absolutely.  And remember, a husband in hand is worth two in the bush.


PLEASE post your comments below! And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

What Couples Can Learn From Olympic Athletes

I am not much of a sportsperson but I still find myself enjoying this year’s summer Olympics. What has impressed me most is how all the teams work together.

I especially loved watching the women’s swim and gymnastic teams work in unison with each woman fighting for the whole to win a gold medal for her team. They did not get to think about themselves, but rather they thought about each other and worked toward the greater good. If one person had felt tired, carried a grudge or did not feel like competing, she would have jeopardized the entire team. Want A Relationship? Why You Shouldn’t Have Casual Sex [EXPERT]  read more here



All fights are the same whether they involve a couple arguing over money or two nations fighting over land. When a couple is fighting, it is essentially engaged in a miniature war.  The dynamic is the same: one person is trying to push his or her agenda over on the other person.  Like wars, battles between couples can turn violent or even deadly.  Communication breaks down and one person becomes so blinded by rage and frustration that he or she might resort to physical or extreme emotional attacks against a partner.

Why do couples fight? There are many reasons: the need to be right, the need for power or control, the need to feel superior, the need to feel like a victim, or the need for excitement.  Often people fight because they just don’t know any other way to communicate. 

You can read about endless strategies for how to stop fighting and start negotiating fairly.  They probably all work to some degree.  Unfortunately, when you are in fighting mode, it isn’t easy to stop the insanity and argue rationally.  Even if you take a time out and come back together when things have cooled off, many partners feel ridiculous sitting down and walking through some sort of “negotiations process” together. 

So, how do you stop arguing and fighting with your partner? Before I answer this question, I need to say that I do not believe that all couples argue or that arguing is healthy.  Lots of people will disagree with me, and that’s okay.  I think it’s fun to have playful banter with your partner, but don’t think that there’s any reason to fight with someone you love, even for the sport of it. Yes,  most of us do it, but it doesn’t have to be this way.  It is entirely possible for two people to have a romantic relationship that is peaceful, harmonious, and exciting without fighting and arguing.  I know because this is the relationship I have finally created.  Sure, my husband and I have minor conflicts, but we hardly notice them because they are resolved with love and lightening speed.

How did I get here? One day, as I was contemplating what had gone wrong in my past relationships, I realized that I could have changed every one of them if I had just been able to stop pushing, arguing, and fighting with my partners.  This would have changed everything

I decided right then and there that I would stop arguing and fighting with people.  It was that simple.  I just made the choice to stop.  With time, I learned how to respect other peoples right to their own opinions.  And, I came to understand what had been driving me to fight in the first place.  I realized that being in a romantic relationship is scary because we don’t always get to have it our way.  Sometimes we have to give up control to our partner.  I wasn’t comfortable doing that.  I desperately wanted to feel important and be the one in charge.     

Now that I’d sworn off fighting, I didn’t know what else to do. So, for a while I did nothing.  I just sat and listened to what other people were saying and tried not to argue or debate with them.  Since I wasn’t in my head trying to formulate comebacks, I became curious about them and their ideas, and I stopped feeling threatened when they didn’t agree with mine.  After a while, I realized that my peace-of-mind and sense of self were no longer dependent on other people and I the need to be right or in control all the time subsided.

I could have spent years on my therapist’s couch trying to make sense of how my parent’s relationship had impacted me, or I could just decide to stop fighting.  The bottom liner in me chose the latter.  I just decided to go right to the heart of the matter and stop the behavior that was getting in the way.  This forced me to find other better ways to listen and communicate.  It didn’t happen overnight, but over time the decision to stop fighting allowed me to respect others and accept them the way they are.  I don’t want to change anyone and I don’t want anyone to try and change me.  Like everyone out there, I want to be loved and accepted exactly the way I am, and this is exactly how my husband loves me.  If I hadn’t decided to quit fighting and arguing, I would have never been able to engage this magical relationship. 


PLEASE post your comments below!  And if you would like to set up a free sample session click this button to be directed to my online calendar:

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