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June, 2012

How to Hook ‘Em With That First Email

HOW TO HOOK ‘EM WITH THAT FIRST EMAIL

Internet dating: isn’t it fun?  It can be if know how to have fun with it.  Don’t just  sit back and wait for people to contact you.  If you are male or female (especially if you’re female) reach out and contact the people you find attractive.  It’s a whole different world of dating today. What I tell my clients is to think of Internet dating like a huge single’s party.  Let’s say you were looking around the room and someone caught your eye.  You could never be sure who noticed whom first.  Maybe the other person had been checking you out seconds earlier.  The thing is to hook that other person’s attention and create a spark so they he or she will want to talk to you.  It’s the same with the Internet.  All you want to do is get the other person’s attention and make them want to know more.

Let’s take a look at a couple of examples of introductory emails that my best friend and I sent to some promising candidates that got immediate responses.

Hello Aussie Guy,

How’d you wind up in good old LA? You are absolutely adorable.  I see that you like “all things about being a man.”  I love all things about you being a man, too. And I can be quite a woman under the right circumstances. I also like what you said about helping each reach greater potential together. Although I have already reached my greatest potential at the ripe old age of 34, I can always help you get there ;-). No really, life is great at this end and would be even better shared with the right someone.

Would love to hear from you if you think we’re a match!

Chloe*

*(Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent)

 

Hi Guy Without Headline,

You are so cute, but not too cute!  (That’s a compliment.)  I am not a fashionista, so if that’s what you’re looking for, keep going!  But I have all the other things on your list.  I understand that you love art and architecture.  I grew up around the stuff but don’t know who’s who.  I would love for you to teach me more.  I am always open to learning and love an intelligent man who expand my world.  Is that you?

Chloe

Why were her emails so effective?  Because she knows how to “hook” a man’s attention.  Let’s see how:

Hook #1:  Create Sparks:  Chloe creates a kind of playful tension right from the very start.  “Hey Aussie Guy!”  Her first line is bold and provocative.  She says things a lot of people would think but not say, like the line about having already reached her potential at the age of 34.  There is something intriguing about a person who would do that.  People love people who challenge them.

Hook #2:  Flatter them:  She shows that she read their profiles.  She relates to what they said but not in an “Oh Look We Both Like to Hike” kind of way.  Again, she makes it funny, confident, and provocative.   “I’m not a fashionista, so if that’s what you’re looking for, keep going!”

Hook #3:  Give ’em What They Want:  She purposely tells men what they want to hear.  “I love a guy who can teach me more.  Is that you?”  She really means it, but she also knows that this is a hook.

Hook #4:  Sexual Overtone:  She says things like “I like all things about you being a man, too.  And I can be quite a woman under the right circumstances.”  If this guy is a healthy, hot-blooded male, he’s thinking she means sex.

If all your emails say is, “I liked your profile and think we have some things in common,” and you’re not getting responses, try to plant some hooks like the ones above.  Remember, you are looking for romance, not friendship.  Practice creating that playful, seductive spark.  If you are the kind of person who “is only playful after you get to know someone,” get over yourself.  The Internet is the best place in the world to practice getting out of your shell.  If you really can’t loosen up, have a glass of wine or get a fun friend to sit with you and write emails.  Keep throwing mud at the wall to see what sticks.

When I was a kid vacationing in Mexico with my family, my older brother once said, “Lisa, you are so intense.  I don’t know how any man is going to deal with you.”  Today my husband tells me that I am the most playful person he knows.  I didn’t just happen to meet the right guy.  I became a playful person and then I attracted the right guy to me.  It’s time to take risks, have some fun, and get naked!

 

She creates a lot of the sparks.  She is sparky.  She’s not waiting for someone else to light things up.

One of the Funniest and Most Forthright Profiles Ever!

One of the Funniest and Most Forthright Dating Profiles Ever!

My best friend and I wrote the following profile for her a couple of weeks ago.  I am reprinting it here with her permission.  She is getting some of the best responses I have ever seen from an online dating profile.  Men seem to LOVE her honesty, playfulness and humor.  This is Naked Dating at its finest!

Headline

 

The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

 

About Me

     I was born nude, helpless, and unable to provide for myself. Not much has changed. Not really, but I thought it would be fun to say that. I’m smart, loyal, and dyslexic, not necessarily in that order. I am also a bad spellr. I’m mischievous. I like to get into trouble, but not the kind you can’t get out of. I’ve never gone to jail. I sound like a real catch so far, huh? Let’s keep going. I really don’t like to take things seriously, unless the situation calls for it. Otherwise, I love to joke, make fun of people, or be made fun of. I prefer to look at the humurous side of things, otherwise life is sooooooo boring. I love to find out about people and get to know who they are at their core. I have an appreciation for everyone’s uniqueness and like to bring that out. I am not very judgmental, so people feel comfortable revealing themselves to me. I like to make other people feel special, even if they’re not. If I keep going like this, I’m never going to get a date. But, on the other hand, if you don’t find this funny, we’re probably not a match. Which leads me to how gorgeous and humble I am–two of my finer qualities for sure. I am not your stereotypical “model” type or what you’ll find in most of the clubs here in LA. I’m not hard on the eyes, but I am more Marilyn Monroe than Audrey Hepburn. If you meet me and think I would be pretty if I lost 10 pounds, keep walking. I have two cats, so if you don’t like animals, that won’t work either. 

     Being in nature, especially the mountains, calms me. I like being in nature, but I do not like sleeping in nature. I love to hike and would like to find someone who will motivate me to hike more. I also would love to find someone who likes to lounge around. I love music but don’t like going to concerts. I never know who sang what song. I will always lose at that game, but I love to be around someone who knows these things. Food: need I say more? I own a small business and love what I do, but if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d find better ways to use my time. I am very accepting. I would like to be with someone who accepts me the way I am and who I can accept the way he is. It would be nice to meet a guy who actually took the time to read my profile, not that I’m going to read yours. 😉 I am not very materialistic. I much prefer thoughtfulness and experiences. If you gave me a credit card today, I would not go shopping. I would just buy my family some stuff, and probably get you some stuff, too. I like to think that what I bring to a relationship is that I am a deeply caring and generous person and I will do anything for the people I love.

      For me, the key thing in a relationship is trust, honesty, and open communication. I will want what’s best for you, and I would love it if you want what’s best for me. I believe that, if we have safety and trust in a relationship, then the world is our playground. Two people can have the freedom to do just about anything if they know that they’re there for each other. 

First Date

     You pick up me in your private jet and wisk me off to Santorini. We frolic on the beach and kiss in the moonlight. We feed each souvlaki and baklava with our fingers (which I don’t particularly like, but everything with you tastes better). Or, we can just meet at the corner Coffee Bean and take it from there.

MUSINGS IN THE SHOWER 1

Musings in the Shower 1

I don’t know about you, but I do some of my best thinking in the shower.  Today was especially interesting.

Sundays are the day I spend with my hubby, and you know what happens on the days you spend with your mate.  Needless to say, sex was in the forefront of my mind.

As my thoughts wandered, I began to think about how we simply aren’t meant to be monogamous.  I understand why monogamy is a good idea, but it’s not what Mother Nature ever had in store for us.  You don’t have to be a sociologist to understand why the only thing Mamma Nature cares about is procreation.  Think about it.  Way back when, there was no birth control, and there probably wasn’t any self-control, either.  Do you remember what it was like to go through puberty?  I am certain that the first humans did not try to suppress their natural urges and find out first if their partner was interested in a long term, committed relationship.  They didn’t check each other’s pedigrees or get their parent’s permission.  They were in hormonal overdrive, and they went for it.  A man saw a woman he wanted and he probably took her, dragged her into the bushes, and had her right then and there.

I can only assume that, once she gave birth, a woman was fair game and became impregnated again almost immediately.  It just makes sense.  There is safety in numbers and, larger tribes could defend themselves better against attacks.  Which leads me to rape and pillage, but I don’t need to get into that. 

It’s humbling to think about all of this.   I don’t even have children.  I never wanted them.  Luckily, I had choice in the matter.  I don’t want to ever take that for granted.  For me, it was a great blessing to be able choose whether or not I wanted to be a mother.  All things considered, I find this remarkable.

WHERE TO MEET MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

Where to meet members of the opposite sex:

I have a personal prejudice towards online dating because I rarely see clients get as many dates offline as they do online.  Still, it’s good to get out and do other things to shake your dating up a bit.  

While you’re out and about, you can practice opening your heart, being more playful, and getting emotionally naked and honest.  And, you might get some dates in the process.  Even if you don’t find anyone you would like to date, you want to be stretching yourself and trying out new skills so that, when you meet the right person, you are ready.  Here are a few suggestions of things you can do to challenge yourself while you are out at one of the places I have listed below:

  1. Commit to staying at least 45 minutes and talking to at least 3-5 members of the opposite sex.
  2. Choose a quality you want to develop in yourself like being more playful, compassionate, or kind and make a commitment to practice that quality with everyone you speak to.
  3. If you go with friends, be sure to separate for a good part of the time.  People are more approachable when they are alone, not in groups.

LIST  

Trendy Bars

Coffee Houses

Neighborhood Bars

Improv Classes

Pubs

Online

Sports Bars

Happy Hour

Singles Parties

Nightclubs

Dinner Parties

Speed Dating

Singles-related Travel

Meetup.com Groups  

Through Friends & Family  

Becoming a Member of an Association, Board, or Committee

The Gym

Bookstores

Sushi Bars

Dining at the Counter

Sporting Events

Dog Parks

Open-Mic Nights at Coffee Houses and Clubs

Organizing Your Own Meet-up Group

Hosting Your Own Singles Parties

Organizing Events at Work

Lectures

  Art Openings

Museums

Dance Classes

School

Work

Friends & Family

Churches and Temples

Spiritual Gatherings

Taking Classes at Community Colleges & Universities

Drum Circles

Workshops

Seminars

Live Music Events

Comedy Clubs

Business Networking

Yoga Classes

Hiking

Camping

Home Depot

Sporting Events

Sierra Club Singles

Yacht Club Singles

Singles Cruises

Parks

Join a Sports Team

Acting Classes

Pool Halls

Book Clubs

Volunteering

Rock Climbing

Bowling Teams

Wine Tasting

Running Clubs

Exercise Boot Camp

Cooking Classes

Laundry Mats

Jury Duty

Ski Resorts

Tech Stores

Museums

Golf Courses

Outdoor Concert Events

Tennis Courts

Casinos

Beaches

Cigar Bars

Steak Houses

Supermarkets

Weddings

Airports

Move to Alaska**

**There are still more men than women there!

 

 

LOVING COSMO

LOVING COSMO

It’s hard to believe that there was ever a time when I didn’t love Cosmo, but it’s true.  When he was a puppy, he was annoying because he kept trying to push his way in between Bobo, my 80-lb. Sharpei, and me.  Next to my husband, Benjamin, Bobo was the love of my life, and nothing was going to come between us, not even the world’s goofiest, floppiest, most adorable 8-wk-old Bernese Mountain Dog puppy.

I felt guilty, of course.  It wasn’t fair to the little guy for me to reject him.  I knew that.  I’m not a bad person.  But he was just too cute and perfect for my taste.  I would never have gotten a Bernese Mountain Dog.  I tend to like strange beauty; the stranger the better.  I am still trying to convince my husband to get me a hairless cat of my own who I will name Harry…but I digress…

That guilt I was talking about, well, it started to grow.  I knew I needed to bond with Cosmo but why did he have to eat the fingers off the beautiful, giant, antique Quan Yen sitting in the living room or when he chew the edges of the silk carpet my mother-in-law had bought us for our anniversary.  Still, he was part of the family now, and he deserved to be cherished by me as much as Bobo and Benjamin did.  So, I set an intention to fall in love with him.  I told myself, “You will find a place in your heart for this dog.”  

Maybe a dog isn’t the same as a person.  I don’t believe that, but some of you might.  I’ve loved some dogs better than many people.  Anyway, it’s easy to discount people or dogs or anything that doesn’t fit our preconceived idea of what’s attractive.  I did it with Cosmo and see my clients doing it all the time when I look through online profiles with them.  I find that very few clients, women or men, are willing to read the profile of someone they don’t immediately find physically attractive.  What each person finds physically attractive varies from client to client, but most of them won’t even look at the profile of someone they don’t find attractive.  There are several problems with this.

  1. Pictures can be deceiving.  Some people look way better in their profile photos than they do in person.  Others don’t look as good.  If you like someone’s profile, meet them for coffee.  It only take half an hour and it can change your life.

  2. People often become more attractive once we get to know them.  Once you see that devilish glint in someone’s eye, hear the music in someone’s laughter, or see the kindness someone’s heart, the illusion can shift and that person can become more physically attractive to you.

  3. You might not be seeing clearly.  It is easy to be blinded by physical attraction.  Most clients automatically project positive qualities on people they find attractive and negative qualities on people they don’t find attractive.  They also cut physically attractive people way more slack in general on things like their height, job, age, proximity, the depth and length of the profile, etc.  For example, they might write to someone they find attractive, even if he or she lives far away, but not to someone with a great profile who is not attractive.  In the end, what matters is who someone is on the inside.

  4. You will keep repeating the same patterns.  Without question, dating is the best way to break repeated relationship patterns.  If you keep going for the same “type,” that won’t happen.  You need to open yourself up to different types of situations and people to get a different result.  I had a client who liked blond, Barbie dolls.  He was physically attracted to them, but none of them could engage with him in deeper conversations.   I am not saying that all beautiful blonds are unintelligent.  It was just that he was just picking the same woman over and over again.  When he started to broaden his range, he met a wonderful woman with depth AND beauty who he has been seeing for the past year.

So, I am sure you are wondering if I was able to get over my prejudices and open my heart to Cosmo.  I did!  In fact, it’s hard to imagine a time when I didn’t think he was the sweetest and handsomest dog alive.  I don’t know what I would have done without Cosmo when Bobo died six years ago.  Recently, he’s taken to hanging out in my office with me all day long, while I write and see clients.  All day everyday, he lies by my feet and waits patiently for me (and sometimes not so patiently) for me to lean over and scratch his belly.  (He’s lying here right now, as I write this!)  Last year when he had a herniated disk in back, I was the one who took him to the vet and cried while I waited to find out if he’d ever walk again.  (Thanks to Dr. Farber at the VCA on Sepulveda and several rounds of acupuncture and vitamin B shots, Cosmo is better than ever!)  I love this dog with all my heart and I couldn’t imagine life without him. 

So, the next time someone writes you a great email but doesn’t look like your type, see if you can set an intention to get past the physical illusion and meet for coffee with an open mind and heart.  Life is full of surprises if open to receiving them.

 

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